2007 part 1 (with intro)

Okay, I managed to review every horror film I saw in 2007, working backwards, in 2008. It’s taken me a few months and been an overall tedious process, but here they are in all their hazy glory. A lot of these are first impressions, so we’ll see what changes over time.

365. Gothic (1986) **: Fucking bizarre tale of Mary and Percy Shelley’s “year without a summer” trip to Lord Byron’s place in Switzerland which spawned Frankenstein. It’s not so much bizarre in content (though there is an overload of stylized techniques that’s more jarring than anything else), but the fact that you’re watching key literary characters running amok in some low budget Vestron home video. Unique idea, I guess, but the end result is more style than substance.

364. Night of the Living Dead (30th anniversary edition) zilch: “Hey, let’s fuck up this stone cold masterpiece with a bullshit midi soundtrack and some nonsensical side story that fucks up the flow of the movie?” The new sequences add nothing new and just frustrate anyone who’s see the orig. Who gave the go ahead for this?

364. The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968) ****: An absolute revelation, start to finish. A horror anthology like only Marins can do. The first story is fairly typical faire about a doll maker, his 4 daughters and some bandits. That Marins can take a fairly standard story like this and make it sizzle with sex and his very unique film style is a true testament to the man’s craft. The next bit has no dialogue, but it’s important to note that Marins’ films have some of the best scores you can hope to hear; very raw and primitive atmospheric soundscapes. I’m sure the bulk of the score is recycled stock sound effects, but in a way that’s the essence of Marins’ work: making a low budget effect as effective as possible. As for the story, it’s about a deformed balloon carrying hunchback (similar to This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse’s Bruno) who pines after a beautiful woman. The woman dies, and the hunchback eventually has his way with her. It’s a grizzly subject, but at the same time because of the technique there’s a certain beauty to it all, very emotionally evocative indeed. The next short is the real meat of the film, where “Professor Oaxiac” (Caixão backwards, duh) expounds upon Ze do Caixão’s world philosophy on a talk show later more prominently featured in Awakening of the Beast, which is essentially that “instinct” (primal instinct, the id, if you will) is the ruling force of man, and that love, hate, spirituality, etc., are just masks man uses to hide his true nature. Ze—er—“Professor Oaxiac” eventually lures a dissenting panelist on the show back to his house and subjects him and his wife to a “burlesque show” of various subjects whom he’s converted to their “true selves.” Ze eventually subjects the couple to these experiments in a brilliant reworking of the Genesis myth, eventually proving that love, and by extension human emotion, doesn’t exist, and we’re all primitive animals inside. That there are no repercussions for Ze’s philosophy, or the necrophile’s actions in the 2nd segment, makes for a truly unique and diabolical film experience. There’re really no words that can do this man’s films justice, and I really can’t recommend his movies enough.

363. The Doctor and the Devils (1985) **: Really well done period piece about a zealous anatomy doctor (Dr. Rock) who pays some derelicts (Broom and Fallon) for fresh bodies to dissect, going against the academy’s policy. The doctor kind of knows, but doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that said derelicts are killing the people they’re bringing him. The film succeeds in conveying both the madness of Doctor Rock in his goals to advance medicine and the economic desperation of Broom and Fallon’s world. Well layered and executed all the way through.

362. The Fog (1980) *: Fog rolls in. There’re killers in the fog. You get stabbed. And there’s lots of downtime in between. A well executed film, but didn’t really leave me feeling anything.

361. The Kiss (1988) **: A really religious mom dies and her supermodel sister moves in. Only problem is: SHE’S A WITCH! Very “cheesy” very “80’s,” some okay death scenes, an evil cat (“FUCK YOU FELIX”), but nothing to really make you go nuts.

360. Prom Night III (1990) zilch: Horror comedy that kind of plays as a slasher parody, which by 1990 was a subject that was doing a good enough job parodying itself. Plot? Uh, some ghost chick is haunting a high school and makes this AVERAGE (a point PAINFULLY stressed) teenager do her bidding by boning him behind his goody two shoes (and living) girlfriend’s back. Dude eventually gets in over his head as you might imagine, and the body count rises. For a “fun” movie, this wasn’t very fun to watch, and dragged pretty hard.

359. Diary of the Dead (1976) *: It’s a shame, because the acting and overall execution isn’t too bad on this one, but the basic premise is just fucking retarded. Okay, so this husband and wife live with the wife’s stingy mom who doesn’t like the husband and is an overall bummer. The husband gets it in his head he’s gotta kill the old broad, so when she invites her presumably equally naggy old friend over who dies of a heart attack while the mom-in-law’s asleep, the husband SOMEHOW figures he can pass the dead friend off as the mom-in-law and then he can kill the mom-in-law and get away with it. Okay (???), so he calls for an ambulance, saying that his mother-in-law died, but at this point the real mother-in-law wakes up and dies of a heart attack, so he’s got two dead bodies, has done nothing illegal, but decides he’s still gonna pass the mom-in-law’s friend off as the mom-in-law for some reason, and bury the real dead mom-in-law (who he didn’t actually kill, remember) in his backyard. The film goes through the motions of him ineptly covering his tracks and different people suspecting him of doing whatever, but at that point you really just don’t care what happens to the guy at all, ‘cause he blew it from the start. Like I said, surprisingly decent execution on everyone’s part, but when the “criminal” hasn’t really done anything wrong it’s hard to care one way or the other what happens to him.

358. The Changeling (1988) **1/2: Decent post-shining haunted house piece. I generally can’t get behind that motif, but it’s saved by some genuinely creepy scenes (skeleton hand in the well, cool old timey wheel chair) and a fleshed out story about a wrongful heir to a fortune. Good stuff, but a bit, uh, mature for my tastes.

357. Ganja & Hess (1973) ****: One of the best I’ve seen all year, no doubt. I saw this first as Blood Couple and was floored by the radical afrocentric reworking of the vampire motif, but Blood Couple puts the horror aspect at the forefront, whereas the original version (the directors cut, roughly ½ an hour longer) Ganja and Hess draws more attention to Bill Gunn’s fantastic technique, and the characters are decidedly less “vampyric.” The score (more phenomenal psyched out atmospheric soundscape stuff) interplays with the characters in a really effective manner, and the monologues are PERFECT. There’s a very free, borderline Paul Morrissey approach to the dialogue, where you get the sense that Gunn just started filming and let what happened happen, but when you realize that the monologues play a crucial role to the development of the plot and characters, its clear that the opposite is true and these segments were heavily scripted and directed, and it’s the skill of the actors and directors and material that makes these segments feel so natural. It’s painful for me to watch such exquisite delivery of dialogue, and then watch newer dialogue heavy flicks like Kevin Smith or Tarrentino’s stuff where the lengthy monologues come off as unnatural and take the viewer out of the film. If they could do it right in ’73, why not now? Fucking frustrating, especially considering the relative obscurity of Gunn’s career. Anyways, Gunn essentially uses the vampire myth as an allegory for the dominance of Christian culture over the African identity, and shows the potential for using something an unassuming as a horror movie to convey broader social issues. Obviously he wasn’t the first film maker to utilize this potential, but he did it in such a unique and effective way as to merit the awe of anyone who actually cares about film.

356) Diary of a Madman (1963) **: You’d go bonkers if Vincent Price was your inner voice too! Some cool effects in this, like all the floating stuff and the morphing of the clay, but this just ain’t really my bag. Very “psychological” and Poe-esque, and basically over my attention span.

355) Parasite (1997) zilch: If you’re doing some modern day no budget digital video bullshit don’t think you can pull the wool over our eyes with a serious plot and act like nothing’s wrong, okay? Some witch has the hots for some Irish professor dude (a scientist who has no faith in the supernatural, of course) and slowly begins the process of ruining his life through magic. You can guess the rest, but probably shouldn’t waste your time. Respect for having an all grown up cast, but the biggest challenge of doing a low budget movie is making it work for you, not aspiring to be some middle of the road forgettable pap like this.

354) Candyman 3 (1997) zilch
353) Candyman 2 (1995) zilch
352) Candyman (1992) *: Alright, so I lined all these up and made a night of it. What a fucking retarded “franchise.” It’s like they started out trying to buck all the slasher clichés (no mask, no gratuitous nudity/sexism, *gasp* HE’S BLACK!), but of course falls into the biggest slasher cliché of them all, which is a bunch of nonsensical sequels. The first flick is good enough for a PC horror movie: chick calls on Candyman, Candyman kills people close to her thus implementing her as the killer, chick dies trying to protect a kid Candyman’s after, and becomes the new Candyman. Whatever, at least it’s a story. The second flick tries to expatiate on the Candyman myth, how he was an educated Blackman who got killed in the south for having a fling with a white lady (which they said in the first one, and was good enough), but he was also the secret granddaddy of some white lady, and he kind of wants to fuck her or something…I dunno, it’s all really confused, really. Like, take Freddy Kreuger; he’s got a crazy burnt up face and gnarly claws, and if you go to sleep, he’s gonna cut you up. Pretty simple, right? Candyman, it’s like, he was stung to death by bees, so if you see bees around you know he’s coming, but his face isn’t stung up or anything, really he’s just a smooth looking brother, and also he has a hook ‘cause his hand was cut off, oh, and he comes if you say his name in the mirror, but he might not kill you, he might just kill people around you and then you gotta worry about the cops…Oh, but he also might just kill you…With bees…Or that hook. But if you’re related to him, uh…He wants you to come with him? Where? I dunno, it’s fucking stupid. Way too cluttered.

351) Reflections of Evil (2002) ****: Okay, this isn’t really a horror movie, but I bought it solely based on the title which sounded like a horror movie, and the fact that it was $2 and had no description on the case whatsoever, thus further enticing my curiosity. In reality Reflections of Evil is a modern experimental, borderline outlaw independent film funded, produced, directed, staring, edited and released by my new favorite modern filmmaker, Daniel Packard. It’s hard to nail down an exact “plot” with this film, as Reflections floods the viewer with a barrage of seemingly nonsensical scenes, but basically Packard plays a sugar addicted street person hawking watches to everyone he passes (but never makes a sale), lives with his nagging mom and eventually is sought after by his sister who may or may not be alive. There’re a lot of flashbacks and psychedelic effects, but what makes Reflections so effective isn’t its surreal passages, but the very REAL feel of the film. For instance, the scenes where Packard walks the streets and is perpetually getting in verbal confrontations with everyone he passes, missing busses, and gaining layers and layers of clothing and pairs of headphones translates to one of the most effective translations of Southern California street life you’re likely to find on film. Modern mainstream entertainment (namely film) is routinely parodied through the juxtaposition of the comically slovenly Packard with various film glossy film advertisements like Miss Congeniality decorating the confrontation riddled streets, and there are of course the segments from other films and television lifted (stolen) for effect. The segment filmed at the ET ride at Universal studios with Spielberg’s voice MERCILESSLY overdubbed is my favorite of the “most certainly copyright infringement” segments. Basically this is a true independent vision laced with heavy doses of comedy derived from a satirical contempt for modern culture and a completely idiosyncratic technique. Must be seen to be believed!

350) Bandh Darwaza (1990) ***: Excellent “Bollywood” horror production from the Ramsay brothers, who are supposedly the masters of this sort of thing. I’d love to see more of their flicks. In Bandh Darwaza a wife who can’t get pregnant turns to “the black mountain,” which is sort of an evil cult with a Dracula-esque figurehead, who gives her a child (she sleeps with the Drac guy to get knocked up, so it was likely the husband’s retard at fault, but whatever) on the condition that if it’s a girl, she has to give the brat to the black mountain. It is, of course, so to break the deal the family has to kill the Drac dude so that they can keep the baby. And that’s just the first ten minutes or so! The bulk of the story takes place in modern times and centers around the current woman of the family who’s kind of a “bad girl” (I mean, she’s Dracula guy’s daughter, what do you expect) and pines after a local dude who’s not feeling her. She eventually gets lured back to the Black Mountain to get some hoodoo to cast on her would-be beau, thus bringing the very cool Dracula guy back in the mix. The movie’s a bit longer than the average Western horror flick, clocking in at 145 minutes, and is complete with comic relief, lots of faux-martial arts, some heavy borrowing from popular American films of the time, and of course song and dance numbers. All that might add up to a kitsch novelty film if it wasn’t for the fact that there’s a really great atmosphere and cheap spooky aesthetic, very much reminiscent of old Hammer horror. If you’re a castles and fog type (and I am), this film delivers in spades. It is, of course, such a radically different and refreshing approach to horror that it’s tempting to get caught up in the “exoticness” of it all, but I really feel like this is a great horror film in its own right. Mondo Macabro has a 2xDVD set with this and the excellent Purana Mandir which should whet anyone who’s curious’ appetite for more Bollywood horror.

349) Video Violence (1987) **1/2
348) Video Violence II (1989) **1/2 Two cool SOV (shot on video) “classics” on one DVD! As an ex-video clerk, there’re a lot of jokes that I found a lot funnier than the average person (“people only ever want to rent the new releases!”), and I did see VVII when I was a youngin,’ but I think anyone who’s a remote fan of 80’s slashers can appreciate this somewhat outsider take on the genre. The basic plot--City folk open a video store and country folk start acting awful funny when the city folk start making a stink about someone dropping a snuff film in the return box--is a transparent vehicle to move from death scene to death scene as more snuff tapes get discovered. The death scenes aren’t your Savini faire, that’s for sure, but basically this is the type of flick where you just gotta get down with the vibes, which are fucking phenomenal. These are truly independent films with the purest of intention: to entertain, and maybe make some money. You can tell everyone involved is enjoying themselves, and I can honestly say there’s a better story and more interesting theme (the strange phenomenon of sleazy horror vhs at the time, which this film gleefully acknowledges it’s a part of) than you’ll find in your average big studio slasher sequel. Speaking of sequels, Video Violence II is a great coda to the first film that actually acknowledges the events of the original Video Violence (kind of rare in the horror sequel game) and has lots of callbacks for people who’ve seen the first movie. It also does a good job at erasing any shades of doubt the viewer might have that the people in charge of these are doing anything but having a good time. I’d say both these films do a good job at poking fun at a genre while still providing enough sex and violence to alienate anyone who’s not already on board. Great stuff.

347) Cutting Room (2006) **: Zero budget slasher that knows exactly how shitty it is. This is for-the-fans-by-the-fans trash that gets off through sheer lack of pretension alone. Should you put an iota of effort into seeing this? No, but I found a copy of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD that has 6 movies (this included) for $5, and I can honestly say I got my money’s worth and was far more entertained and felt better as a person watching this than any modern, slick looking, mainstream horror flick. There’s also a preeeeetty lurid female masturbation scene that I got to give the filmmakers credit for. Most films of these type hold off on the sex in favor of fake blood, but this dude goes there, respect.

346) Up For Rent (2006) **: Another part of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD, which is a bunch of Z E R O budget digital camera joints, this one being a horror anthology centering around a realtor going over all the terrible stuff that’s happened in an apartment that’s, yep, “up for rent.” There’s a jealous and kinda crazy girl who offs her boyfriend for presumed infidelity, a run-of-the-mill serial killing, and the best segment, “Wannabe Deadly” about a dude obsessed with being the word’s smartest serial killer who’s really inept. There’s some legitimately funny moments in that segment when the guy has his fantasies about how a murder will work out and be received by the press, and how it actually happens. Again, this is GARBAGE as far as any technical aspect of filmmaking is concerned, but if you’re into the spirit of people just making movies and not being held back by budget constraints or any sort of social norm of what constitutes a “good” movie, then this is a fine example of how enjoyable a barely competent independent genre picture can be.

345) I Am Legend (2007) *: I dunno, is this a horror movie? IMDB says it’s an Action / Drama / Fantasy / Horror / Sci-Fi / Thriller, and there are rampaging mobs of zombie things so….Yeah, I’ll count it. So is it good? Oh, god no. The film’s premise—Will Smith is the last guy on earth and is trying to find a cure for a plague that’s wiped out Manhattan—is far too dark for standard blockbuster fluff, and it’s handled in too goody-two-shoes a way to be a dark fluff film, like 12 Monkey or Fight Club or something. That’s the problem in a nutshell, is this flick’s so PAINFULLY middle of the road (homeboy uses Shrek and Bob Marley to illustrate his points…Way to go over the heads of NO ONE) that I can’t imagine anyone REALLY likes or dislikes this flick enough to even remember it in a few years. I mean, they got my $10, so they win, fine, but at least do a good enough Hollywood razzle dazzle job that I don’t spend the whole time scratching my head over plot holes and wondering why I should care about this character at all. It’s slick enough to take up two hours and not make you walk out of the theatre, so watch it or don’t, your life won’t be affected either way.

344) Boggy Creek II (1977) zilch
343) Return to Boggy Creek (1982) zilch: Holy shit these were painful. I had to watch Return to Boggy Creek in two sittings and go to a friend’s house to watch Boggy Creek II because I didn’t have the faith in myself that I could sit through it without fast forwarding or slitting my wrists. A bunch of hicks and Bigfoot, who fucking cares. If you must, go with Return to Boggy Creek (the second in a trilogy, which concludes with Boggy Creek II…Huh?), ‘cause the attempts at the authentic Cajun accents are good for a cheap laugh at least. The big time suspense in Boggy Creek II is they get chased into a house by a dog…Oh, and the girls get the jeep stuck in the mud and have to *gasp* READ THE MANUAL (don’t worry, it’s in the glove box) to figure out how to work the four wheel drive! PG rated fun for the whole family, if your family’s a retard.

342) Demonia (1990) **: Later Fulci flick with two killer death scenes (dude getting split in half and a bunch of cats killing an old lady), a crucified nun, and not much else to keep your interest. Canadian archeologists go searching for ancient Greek artifacts, inadvertently fuck with some cursed dark ages shit and local yokels, and you can guess the rest. It’s an okay flick if you go for this sort of thing.

341) Terror and Black Lace ***: Oooh, I liked this one! Really cool Mexican thriller/horror flick about a possessive husband and his wife who live on the top floor, a music historian with a hair fetish who lives beneath them, and 3 independent women types who live below him. The technique was exceptional, and there were moments of genuine suspense as well as really unconventional plot development. The things you expect to happen don't really happen, but not in an arbitrary "TWIST!" kind of way either. In fact, I think it might be the film's lack of gimmicks that made it so appealing, actually; there's not a lot of blood, there's not a lot of nudity, but there's enough of both to maintain that certain luridness which makes these kind of movies work. Absolutely phenomenal genre picture which I highly recommend.

340) Nightkill (1980) *: Shitty husband gets murdered for money, the wife should call the cops but doesn’t, you don’t really care beyond that point. Everything looks real “Dynasty” too. Whatever.

339) Dead and Buried (1981) **: Surprisingly good Vestron joint with REALLY well done death scenes and an actually well developed story for this kind of movie. The movie starts strong, with a guy getting baited by a chick and burned alive by some fishermen and basically just keeps up the pace. Hobos get slashed up, some dude gets a needle in the eye, and when you start seeing these people walking around again, you know something’s up. You’re not exactly sure why these people are being killed, or why they’re being seen around town, but as the main cop in the flick learns more, so do you, and all-in-all, it’s not as stupid as you might think. Fine film indeed.

338) Purana Mandir (1984) ***: Great Bollywood horror that was supposedly responsible for setting off a sort of “horror boom” in India for a few years. As mentioned in the Bandh Darwaza review, there are a lot of stylistically typical aspects at play that would be out of place in a Western horror pic, such as song and dance numbers and comic relief, but overall there’s a great atmosphere and story that should appeal to any horror fan who favors the older b-movie aesthetic. The plot revolves around a boyfriend and girlfriend trying to break the curse of Saamri, a really cool looking demon who placed a curse on the girlfriend’s ancestors, thus preventing the boyfriend and girlfriend from marrying. The two bring along their friends, the male sidekick being a real mustachioed machismo oozer who spends a bulk of his screen time kicking stuff, and then shit starts to hit the fan; Saamri comes back from the dead, the superstitious country folk try to sacrifice the boyfriend and girlfriend to Kali, and the machismo oozer starts up a racket by capturing and freeing a notorious bandit for the reward money. Again, the flick’s 145 minutes long, so it has time to fit all that stuff in. All the DVD extras say that this is probably the best Indian horror flick out there, so do yourself a favor and dig in.

337) Evil Eye (1974) *: Not much to say here. Pretty forgettable Italian supernatural giallo without enough sex or death scenes to keep me interested.

336) Catholic Ghoulgirls (2005) *: Zero budget schlock centering around campy horror clichés (schoolgirl outfits, zombies, whatever) and a lot of interjections of really annoying “totally 80’s” pop culture references and Kevin Smith style dialogue. Completely horrible, of course, but it’s a bunch of buddies with a camera fucking around, you can’t really be too critical of a film like this.

335) Candle in the Dark (2002) *: Looks like a video a family would make after Thanks Giving. There’s a goody goody girl who’s new college roommate is a “goth,” and since there’s a bunch of vampire murders on campus, the “goth” girl becomes the #1 suspect. I was really hoping the “goth” chick would be more over the top and cheesy, but she’s kind of just dressed like a secretary or something. Unless you’re a fan of zero budget ineptitude, though, you probably won’t be able to watch this. If you are a fan of zero budget ineptitude, this is still barely passable.

334) The Bewitching (2006) zilch: Skinimax style softcore centering about a, uh, witch? Who comes to Las Vegas? And she sleeps with a bunch of dudes, but she’s not supposed to for some reason? The best part is there’s a group of guys, a white guy, a black dude and an Asian, and both the black and white dude get laid by the witch, but the Asian guy gets left out. Such a dick move! And your average uncut Jess Franco film has way more titillation than this, so I’d say this even fails at pornography. This is really THEE lowest of the low as far as just about any form of entertainment goes, so it’s nice to watch a movie like this and think “okay, I’ve officially hit rock bottom as far as what I’ll allow to take up my time.”

333) Awful Dr. Orloff (1962) **: Black and white castles, shadows and fog like only the Europeans can do it. This particular European happens to be Jess Franco, who went on to do some really beautiful avant-garde horror/softcore in the 70’s, but this is a slice of his early straight forward work. The story goes, this Dr. Orlof starts taking girls and using their skin to make his daughter who got deformed in a lab experiment beautiful again. With these kind of movies it’s more about the atmosphere and feel of the imagery rather than the linear plot, though, and this is a great spooky slice of gothic noir.

332) Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) ***: Really beautiful piece of cinema here. Having the opening scenes shot from the perspective of Dr. Jeckyll establishes a great tone, and the execution of the Hyde character is excellent. A lot of the transformation scenes are surprisingly sophisticated for the time and the dynamics of the abusive relationship between Hyde and Ivy are brilliantly sculpted. This is a really great watch, for sure.

331) Prom Night (1980) *: I think this is cannon in the 80’s slasher genre, but I’m not really feeling this one. There’s really not enough blood to make a story like this work, and the mystery killer should be no mystery at all. All in all, this is just a bit too middle of the road for my tastes.

330) Delerium (1979) **: Genuinely entertaining and watchable action/horror flick that starts out as just an average “killer on the loose/copper on his trail” type flick, but eventually you learn that the killer is actually part of a secret group of vigilantes who off criminals who’ve gotten off on technicalities. The psycho killer is an old army buddy of the Telly Savalas-like ringleader of the vigilante group, and, well, eventually everything goes to pot as you might imagine. Great death scenes and an overall cheap grittiness will keep you watching.

329) Shadowzone (1990) zilch: This basically plays like a bad Alien ripoff, which is one of my least favorite genres, up there with Jaws ripoffs. There’s a bunch of scientists in an underground bunker and some dumb portals open, I think a creature gets through, and there’s some secret plot amongst the scientists? I dunno, obviously this is a pretty forgettable claustrophobic sci-fi/horror joint from the Full Moon people. I will say there’re some adequate pre-CGI special effects, which is cool, but not cool enough.

328) When the Screaming Stops (1974) ***: Killer Amando de Ossorio joint based around the Lorelei myth (German folklore, think the sirens) with some pretty grizzly death scenes involving a monster clawing schoolgirls and blind dudes, complete with organs getting ripped out. Lots of, uh, “buxom” Euro femme fatales and an alpha male hunter type who’s trying to kill the monster. I definitely dug this one.

327) Blue Monkey (1987) zilch: ZILCH, ZILCH, FUCKING ZILCH! I wish I could yell that in everyone responsible for this mess’s ears (except Joe Flaherty, I’d just shake his hand). What you got here’s a shitty monster movie about giant bugs in a hospital with a bunch of fucking kids running around being “cute” and some old ladies being “funny” and me wanting to commit “suicide” while watching this trash for 90 minutes. The lighting was actually pretty cool, and if you’re a fan of rubber monsters, this film’s got that, but by and large, ugh, no thanks.

326) Waxwork II (1992) **: Y’know, this really ain’t too bad. It starts with the chick from the first Waxwork coming home after her and her boyfriend just burned down the evil wax museum from the first movie. A crawling hand from the wax museum follows her home and kills her dad in an obvious nod to Evil Dead II, and she has to stand trial, both for the murder and burning down the wax museum. Somehow her and her boyfriend travel through “time” (or more accurately, different movie parodies, including Alien, Frankenstein, a Hitchcock type flick and some fantasy movie and lots of others) trying to prove her innocence by capturing the crawling hand. This is straight to video crud, but I have to admit it’s pretty entertaining crud with lots of tributes to old horror flicks and decent grossout special effects (including a projectile Frankenstein brain), and of course a Bruce Campbell cameo for cred. Not a bad flick to check out if it falls in your lap and you aren’t totally opposed to intentionally “campy” 90’s junk.

325) Demon Keeper (1994) **: Story goes, a bunch of people, some skeptics, some believers, go to a séance at a spooky house with a real medium and a phony one. Phony medium tries to prove himself to the real one and accidentally conjures up this awesome demon who looks like a cross between the devil from Legend and a Mortal Kombat character. I think this is from the Full Moon family, so expect lots of cheesy, but kind of competent special effects and lite T&A. But, also expect a gnarly giant rubber suit demon dude feeling up chicks. Seriously, I’m very partial to satanic imagery in my horror movies, so I just say back and had a great time watching a demon cut up yuppies for 90 minutes.

324) Bleed (2002) *: Typical post-Scream whodunit straight to video slasher, BUT, all the actors involved look like porn people, very LA glam, y’know what I mean? There’re lots of good looking (again, too good looking in an artificial way) naked guys and girls and an overall mean spirited and un-PC vibe, which kind of goes against the teen marketing of your average faux-Scream type flick, so that’s a bit refreshing. Total garbage, but still watchable.

323) Winter Lily (1998) *: This is a really weird Canadian straight to video psychological thriller about a guy who stays at a bed and breakfast and becomes infatuated with the daughter (who may or may not be dead) of the owners through reading her diary. The girl’s mom’s a little off her rocker, and they’re stuck in a cabin in the dead of winter, so things get stranger and stranger as you might guess. There’re a lot of weird incestuous and pedophilic undertones and a very convoluted and clumsy plot and I can’t help but wonder why anyone would want to make or see this movie. I will say it at least attempts to be unique without being cheap and stylistically obtrusive, so it’s not bad for a little indie flick, but not something I’d ever want to see again.

322) Fallen Angels (2002) zilch: Catholic schoolgirls accidentally burn down their school while being attacked by a killer and come with a film crew years later to make a documentary on the fires (which no one should care about, but there are still huge protests outside of the school for some reason), and someone starts killing the film crew and girls. Trite and shitty post-Scream style lite-slasher that can’t possibly appeal to anybody. About the only decent part was watching a bunch of English (possibly Irish) actors fake a US accent. God-awful.

321) Ax ‘Em (’92?) ***: I’ll admit I’m being generous with the three star rating, but this below-zero budget slasher actually plays a lot more interesting than a lot of canonical horror flicks. This is a black filmmaker and predominantly black cast doing more of an updated blaxploitation picture than the socially conscious Spike Lee thing that was more popular at the time. Again, this is REALLY REALLY low budget, as in you can’t hear what’s being said a lot of the time, and there’s about a two inch border around the actual movie; no, it’s not widescreen, the left, right, top and bottom of the film are surrounded by a black border, presumably so the film is more condensed has a higher quality (doesn’t help much, trust me). Large chunks of dialogue are very obviously improvised, including long “doing the dozens” segments (my favorite: “Yo mama so dumb she was in a shoot up and got stabbed”), which gives the film a very loose and freewheeling feel. Uh, large chunks of the plot might be improvised too, as the actual events that transpire are a bit vague. There’re a bunch of black college students spending the week in a cabin, and there’s a burly and pretty convincingly creepy brother in a flannel with a (you guessed it) ax, and you can pretty much guess what happens next. There’s lots of kitsch due to the era of the film, like giant green leather jackets with Mickey Mouse on the back, and a legit “homey don’t play that” line. Oh, you know that bit you’d see a lot in old Apollo standup routines that goes something like “white people are crazy, you seen Poltergeist? If a brother heard a house say ‘get out,’ he’d be out of there, but white people gonna try and stay!” Yeah, you get to see that scenario in action in this flick. Overall, yes, this is a very obviously flawed film, but there are a lot of genuinely funny moments and interesting techniques that hold my interest more than many slicker looking, generic horror films.

320) The Terror (1963) **: Cool spooky Corman flick about a mysterious girl, a mysterious old witch and a mysterious castle. This isn’t a particularly great flick, but you do get to see a YOUNG Jack Nicholson, Dick Miller and Boris Karloff in action, and it’s co-produced by Francis Ford Coppola, so this is a nice slice of Hollywood trivia in addition to being a fun, if not slightly generic, low budget supernatural thriller.

319) The Werewolf of Paxton Hall (1994?) ***: Don’t go crazy trying to find this one, ‘cause I believe it’s a student film that never got mass produced. It’s essentially a black and white half hour tribute to the old European horror style with, yes, castles, shadows and fog and a really well established gothic ambiance. It’s a story about a man who asks his brother, a priest in training, to kill him because he’s been turning into a wolf and killing people. The production levels, costumes and acting are so far above what you’d expect for something like this that it really catches you off guard how good it is. The overall execution is just superb, and it really makes me wish there was an underground of filmmakers who just made completely non-commercially viable black and white European gothic style horror films with little blood and lots of ambiance. It sure would be a lot more interesting than a bunch of misguided digital effects ridden 80’s American slasher throwbacks like you have now. I did some research and I don’t think any of the principle filmmakers for this number ever did anything in movies again, and there’s not even a listing for it on IMDB, so that’s what a well crafted story and atmosphere gets you. If anyone involved in this movie googles this review, hit me with an e-mail, I’d love to talk.

318) The Craft (1996) **: This is probably the pinnacle of PC 90’s teen friendly horror, and in theory embodies everything I should hate, but after throwing it in with a friend of mine for a laugh, I gotta say, this isn’t THAT bad. It kind of plays like a dumbed down PG Dario Argento number, with the CGI not becoming too obtrusive ‘til the end. It’s pretty, it’s clean, it’s safe, but seeing as we’re in a time now where we can look back at the late 90’s post-Scream teen flick trend as a thing of the past, this flick’s a lot less obnoxious than you’d imagine. Oooh, sequel in 2008, that should be a tremendous pile of dogshit, no?

317) Human Beasts (1980) ***: This is a neat little Paul Naschy flick where Naschy plays a ruthless hitman hired by some Japanese insurgents looking to steal some diamonds to fund a revolution. Even though he falls in love with one of the insurgents, he IS still ruthless, so he steals the diamonds, kills all of the insurgents except the girl, and shacks up at some white folks’ mansion in the middle of rural Japan. The place seems like a safe haven at first, BUT IS IT REALLY? Naschy does a great job at developing the family the hitman stays with from kind, to eccentric, to really fucked up. The film delivers in spades all the grit you want from an exploitation flick, and there’s actually an interesting story underneath it all. I’d love a DVD of this though, because the quality of the VHS transfer leaves something to be desired.

316) Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (1971) **: Wow, this is VERY campy, very drive-in, very b-movie, but really fun to watch. The acting is atrocious, and the premise is laughable, but if you’re in the mood for a stereotypically corny b-movie, here you go. Dracula does look legitimately cool, though. Unfortunately my VHS is in EP which got in the way of some great moments for sure. Gotta hunt down a cheapy DVD, I guess.

315) Killer Barbys (1996) ***: As a Franco fanboy, I loved this, but I’ll admit it is pretty cheesy. An actual Spanish rock band Killer Barbies (they sound like a bar rock Ramones with a va-va-voom female singer) gets a flat tire and has to spend the night in the castle of an Elizabeth Bathory type Countess who’s seducing and killing members of the band and their entourage while her rural creep minions do their part in picking off members of the group as well. On one hand the film’s very obviously and heavy handedly an over-the-top camp number, but there are some grizzly death scenes and the Countess looks VERY cool, and of course there’s all the T&A you’d expect in a Franco film, so though this is a “fun” movie, there’s enough legit horror for genre fans to get behind.

314) Neon Maniacs (1986) **: Very “80’s” slasher revolving around some monsters who only come out at night (like neon, get it?) and hack up teenagers. Their only weakness? The impossibly scarce substance known as “water.” Yeah, water. Each monster is a unique and basically arbitrary character, like “The Hangman,” “Samurai,” “the Indian,” etc. Either the filmmakers thought this film would get big enough to merit action figures, or they were sitting around one day trying to figure out how to fit the Village People into a horror movie. It’s crap, it’s camp, it’s fun, why not?

313) Rawhead Rex (1986) **: Here’s a pretty competent and serious horror flick about this giant monster (who thankfully is never directly referred to by the goofy name of the film) terrorizing Ireland. It’s a pretty straight supernatural monster movie and with corrupt priests and a focus on pagan Irish folklore. Not sold? Okay, there’s a scene where the monster’s peeing on a priest, and if that doesn’t get you on board, nothing will.

312) Phantom of the Mall (1989) **: Another cheesy and “totally 80’s” slasher. This might even be the same mall they used in Chopping Mall, actually. Plot? Uh, mall opens up, and there’s this guy, a “phantom,” if you will, who’s behind the scenes watching over everything on closed circuit cameras and killing the baddies in a variety of somewhat inventive but not exactly noteworthy death scenes. Paulie Shore’s in it, too, as if the movie wasn’t kitschy enough as it is.

311) Frankenstein (1984) n/a: Here’s a made for British TV Frankenstein starring Carrie Fisher. I fell asleep halfway through, but my girlfriend says it’s pretty good, despite looking like a soap opera. I guess I’ll have to stay conscious while watching it next time.

310) Mausoleum (1983) **: Here you have a good wife who cleans house, cooks, keeps to herself, but every now and then BECOMES A DEMON WOMAN POSESSED AND TALKS BACK TO HER HUSBAND AND WANTS SEEEEEX!!! I know being un-PC is part of the horror genre’s charm, but I gotta wonder if this writer knew he was showing all his cards here with this old values woman/post-feminist possession bit? With one of the writers, this is his only work, and the other previously did the new waver flick Blank Generation, so maybe the chauvinist undertones are meant as satire? Part of me would like to believe one of these guys was going through a divorce and wanted to make a film that showed the TRUE nature of these “new women.” Oh man, and check out the ridiculously stereotypical “mammy” type made and perverted Mexican gardener. What a sketchy flick! Regardless, this is pretty decent and overall watchable with some okay death scenes and good enough special effects work.

309) Blackout (1985) *: A man snaps one day and murders his family, then gets in a car crash with another man, and the only survivor of the crash has total amnesia. Is he the killer, or did the killer die? Either way, the survivor starts his life a new with the nurse who helped him recover, but there’s a retired police chief who won’t let this case go! Interesting enough premise, I suppose. The best part by far is the curmudgeonly retired cop, Richard Widmark, who spends the movie spouting off faux tough guy lines like “not on my fuckin’ beat!” that translate more like “get off my lawn!” This is definitely more of a “suspense/thriller/mystery” than a horror, but there’s an “inescapable evil nature of man” theme at play here which horror fans will find familiar.

308) Black Candles (1982) **: A José Ramón Larraz (Vampyres) joint about a Satanic cult and all the sex they have. A chick fucks a goat and a dude gets a sword in the butt, all for Satan. This is basically evil softcore with no major plot points, but whatever, good sleaze as far as sleaze goes.
307) Blood and Black Lace (1965) ***: AKA Sei donne per l'assassino. I’m a big fan of MARIO Bava’s work, especially his 60’s stuff, and this is a feast or all things vintage Bava: You got your femme fatales, tons of spooky lighting and ambiance, gritty subject matter, it’s all here. I don’t always walk away from an old Bava flick with the feeling that I’ve seen a great story, and I can’t even remember the specifics of what happened here (it’s a run of the mill whodunit with a bunch of fashion models getting slashed up), but his films always have such ambiance through simple lighting effects and stunning looking actors. Truly a master craftsman making really beautiful films.

306) Nosferatu (1922) ***: Obviously a classic and beautiful looking movie. So many of the sections are iconic and embedded in the public consciousness that it’s somewhat difficult to take this at face value, but it’s a no brainer classic that’s thoroughly rewarding to watch.

305) Nosferatu (1979) ***: This plays like a loving homage to the original with some of the imagery (namely the rats) kicked up a notch for modern viewers. Definitely worth seeing in conjunction with the original.

304) The Hitcher (1986) *: Here’s a not-very-thrilling thriller about an arbitrarily crazy and seemingly endlessly clever and resourceful psycho killer who hitchhikes along a random stretch of highway killing whoever picks him up. When one college aged kid gets away, the movie drags ON AND ON AND ON with the psycho guy kind of stalking the kid and setting him up for murders and just generally putting way too much effort into tormenting the poor kid. I have no problem with ridiculous, far fetched plot devices, and I’m not the “oh come on, that could never happen” type, but when a movie basis its premise on a very real human fear (that a hitchhiker or stranger is out to kill you), the development of the plot should stay in that realm of reality, which this fails at miserably. Improbable twist begets improbable twist to the point where you really don’t care anymore and just want out. I suppose the technical aspects are handled decently, this is a standard “real movie” for normal people, and it is possible to watch it all the way through, I just can’t imagine there’s any reason to.

303) Horrors of the Red Planet (1965) *: Really dated and corny drive in sci-fi fair about some astronauts who get stranded on mars and come across a sort of haunted castle. There’s one VERY cool scene involving the frozen Martian ghost thingies, though, and a fun cheap aesthetic throughout. Fans of older cheesy sci-fi climb aboard, everyone else prepare to be bored.

302) Curse of the Bigfoot (1976) zilch: Oof, this is an epic in bad! The movie starts with a lady doing some gardening who gets attacked by a laughably bad bigfoot monster. Twist, that segment’s just an example of a cheesy old monster movie that’s being shown in a high school classroom. The teacher goes on to talk more about bigfoots to this class full of 70’s Spicoli ass looking stoners, and then you get a bunch of stock footage of the Himalayans and loggers and what have you, which leads to a short segment with some flannel clad hicks and their bigfoot encounter. Thankfully an expert on the subject comes in to set the class straight on cryptozoology (in high school, remember), and the rest of the film is an obviously separately filmed early 60’s teen creature flick that’s supposed to be a story the expert tells the kids about this bigfoot creature, except that after the kids in that story SET THE BIGFOOT ON FIRE, the film ends and doesn’t go back to the classroom at all. This is a giant hodgepodge of shit that fails on so many levels that I have to recommend it to people who get off watching the lowest of the low in old b movies. Obviously I watch a lot of bad movies myself, and even I was impressed at the ineptitude on this flick.

301) New York Ripper (1982) uncut version ***: Seeing the uncut version of this movie is what finally sold me on Fulci. This is an amazing movie, not just because of the gruesome death scenes and gritty atmosphere (but that stuff too), but because it’s just such a bizarre viewing experience as a whole. Juxtaposing this vicious sexual killer with that goofy Donald Duck voice was a stroke of genius, and the ending, even though “good wins,” leaves the viewer feeling as violated and mistreated as any of the Ripper’s victims, and feels almost surreal in its cruelty. For what’s essentially a sleazy exploitation film, there’re just so many layers to the story that the film really merits some attention and elicits so many emotional reactions from the viewer. There are some genuinely brilliant cinematic moments as well, such as the 1st person perspective when investigating one suspect’s apartment, or the straight razor slashing dream, or, my favorite, the scene where the girl’s tied up and realizes she’s in bed with the killer. I’m a pretty hardened viewer and I rarely “feel” the suspense in these movies, but I bought that scene hook line and sinker. And of course there’s lots of sleaze and gore which I feel dutifully fits the grittiness of the subject matter and adds to the overall raw ambiance of the film, and isn’t just for shock value. I was on the edge about Lucio Fulci and giallos in general, but I can honestly say the uncut version of this was a revelation for me. Highly recommended.