2007 Part 4

200) Creepshow (1982) **: Though I have a lot of sentimental attachment to the two Creepshows, and they’re obviously head and shoulders above any of the budget 80’s horror anthologies that followed, watching this again for the first time in forever I was kind of let down. I fully dig the idea of bringing the EC comics aesthetic into the 80’s, and I think the film does a great job at pulling it off, but knowing how all the stories go, I was just kind of under whelmed. This is by all means a great flick, just not something I’m dying to see again any time soon. Oh, and fuck those cockroaches…STILL.

199) The Tempter AKA Il Sorriso del grande tentatore (1974) **: This is a really cool Italian Exorcist clone. That’s a genre that can either go totally raunchy and over the top or totally boring and inept. This one’s fairly restrained for the most part, but the possession dream totally makes up for lost time. I won’t mention the things that happen with a goat, but I will say the set design is amazing, really cool looking in-studio exterior and a devil that looks straight out of the Danzig “Mother” video. With a possesee who’s really easy on the eyes, this makes for a great watch.

198) Rear Window (1954) **: I’m sure this is a “masterful classic” or whatever, and I’m not gonna say it’s a bad movie, but real talk, I was kinda checking my watch during this one. I dug how the apartment and setting kind of becomes a character in itself, and of course there’s the moment of genuine suspense in the end, but overall I’m just not qualified to say anything meaningful about this flick.

197) The Thing (1982) **: I’ve heard tale of this flick for awhile, and I gotta say I’m not blown away. I’m not really a sci-fi cat though, and these super claustrophobic post-Alien clones that are all suspense and pacing just kind of bug me. It’s like, you got these guys isolated in the tundra while this crazy alien creature picks ‘em off one at a time by taking the form of different crew members, so you don’t really know who’s who, and no one can get off the station, and it’s like, fuck, finish the job already. As far as these Alien kinda flicks go, this is much better done than, say, your average Italian clone from the time, and I can see where all the high praise comes from, but this just ain’t my bag.

196) Vertigo (1958) **: Another cool Hitchcock flick that’s a real treat visually, but obviously I’m looking for more, shall we say, id driven cinema here.

195) Psycho II (1983) **: No, this has nothing on the original as far as technical aspects are concerned, but I’m sorry, I can’t not love Anthony Perkins playing this character. The guy just oozes charisma, and it’s pretty clever having the film take place 22 years or whatever after Norman had been in prison, and of course it had been that long since the last Psycho had come out. Clearly this was just a cash-in on the slasher craze of the 80’s, but it’s honestly handled with much more respect to the original than most sequels, ESPECIALLY horror sequels you’ll see, and it actually an interesting story in its own right, seeing how this small town copes with this notorious killer guy getting released. Shit, now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if Slingblade borrowed some ideas from this flick? Y’know, I’m gonna watch this one again down the line, and I might actually give it a higher rating if it holds up. Great stuff.

194) Blind Beast (1969) ***: This is a really interesting counterpart to ‘65’s The Collector. They both deal with the same theme: a man kidnapping a woman and keeping her for himself, but not for strictly sexual reasons, but whereas there’s a yobbish scorn for the woman’s intellect and artistic leanings in The Collector, the kidnapper in Blind Beast is a blind artist who desires the woman for her physical perfection and wishes to sculpt her. It’s a very brooding and sexual think piece from Japan, so gore hounds might want to sit this one out, but if you’re into dark atmosphere and a sexual theme, this is definitely worth a viewing, to say the least.

193) Psycho (1998) zilch: I ignored this movie when it came out, but somehow, 10 years later, got it in a lot of horror flicks, and not only decided to give it a shot, but decided to a/b it with the original. Oh dear lord was that a mistake. If you do that you’ll fully appreciate what a tremendous piece of garbage this is. I honestly think this was just a case of Gus Van Sant and his bros getting wasted and being like “dude…Psycho…I’m gonna remake it….Totally,” and then they didn’t stop smoking pot once until the movie was out, ‘cause like, anyone involved would have to be high to think this was a good idea. You know who I REALLY blame? Freaking Christopher Doyle. Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, I* know him as the worthless human being/cinematographer behind another little train wreck called LADY IN THE WATER. As a fan of the WORST MOVIES EVER, I almost feel obligated to recommend this, but the phrase “for masochists only” is aptly applied here. I mean, honestly, I’m far from a purist: I even thought the Wicker Man remake was adequate, and I thought the sequels to Psycho were pretty fantastic, but this is just unbelievable. I mean, how do you botch THEE shower scene with “artsy” (again, if you’re high) subliminal imagery? How do you make a dark story of murder, theft and psychological hell look like a pastel bomb blew up all over the film? How do you think for a second that lovable meathead like Vince Vaughn (who I actually like) is the one to pull off a neurotic, overly cautious psyho killer? Truly “What the fuck?” worthy.

192) Psycho (1960) ****: Y’know the phrase “what can be said that hasn’t been said already?” Well, I’m sure there’s a lot that can still be said about this flick, but I’m not sure exactly what I can bring to the table. Every frame is beautiful to look at, and Jesus Christ, the acting! I’m sure there are earlier examples, but this is probably THE iconic film marking the shift from horror’s focus from the supernatural to the horrors of man. This is a timeless and perfect film, horror or otherwise, and the best flick on this list.

191) Parents (1989) *: Dark and kind of campy stuff, sort of a straight to video Tim Burton feel about a kid with cannibal parents. If you’re in a mood for some lighter, kind of stylistic faire, here you go.

190) The Devil’s Nightmare (1971) **: This is a cool transeuro horror flick regarding seven tourists staying at a spooky castle who one by one get knocked off. Each has their own dysfunction, supposedly representing a different deadly sin, and the sole survivor is left in quite a conundrum. A fair amount of skin and a great Satanic figure will keep your interest all the way through.

189) Pieces (1982) **: I’m not necessarily an Italo Uber Alles type, but when it comes to 80’s slashers, there’s just a raw grit present in their flicks you don’t find in the more teen oriented American market. Take this monstrous beast, fr’instance: where most would have held back, this flick goes for the throat. Plenty of YOUNG girls in the shower and really over the top death scenes, including the notorious torso shot. This is one of those flicks where there’s just enough grizzly material applied to an accessible formula to keep the attention of both veteran and pedestrian slasher fans.

180) Deep Red (1975) n/a: Sorry, completely drawing a blank on this one.

179) Kill Baby Kill (1966) **: I'm sorry, I've watched this twice now, IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE!  I just can't pay attention, but the visuals are A+++, totally 
killer Bava stuff.

178) Blood Diner (1987) **: You know when you’re watching a flick, and you’re kind of bored, and you think if everything was just a bit more explicit you could forgive the general ineptitude? Well, here’s a shining case of a flick that could, and by all means does “suck,” but every line spoken, every new scenario introduced is just so ridiculous you can’t help but go along with it. Yeah, it’s a “campy” kind of flick revolving around a pair of brothers, guided by their dead uncle’s brain in a jar, cutting off the best body parts of women to resurrect the ancient Sumerian god “Sheetar” and serving the leftover parts to the patrons of their vegetarian restaurant. See what I’m getting at with the upped levels of ridiculousness here? I mean, if this was a PG Troma flick it wouldn’t be worth your attention, but plenty of skin and like, EVERY SINGLE LINE SPOKEN will make you realize what a waste of time most of these late 80’s campy spoofs of drive-in flicks are.

177) The Hunger (1983) **: Hmmm, I generally loathe Bowie, but this is a pretty cool brooding vampire flick that focuses on the downside of addiction. It’s a little “80’s” for my tastes (these stories should take place in creepy European castles, not yuppie mansions), but the story and visuals are both compelling, and this is an overall great watch. Oh, and Bauhaus in the opening credits, best way to start out a movie.

176) The Asphyx (1973) **: Okay, so this flick dropped in 1973, and I’m not saying the people who did Ghostbusters ripped this off or anything, but there’s this “spirit” (ghost) that kills people that you can trap (bust) with a weird light ray (proton pack) and move to a ghost jail (containment unit) and therefore live forever. Oh yeah, and the “asphyx” bears a striking resemblance to Slimer. Hey, just sayin’. Anyhoo, since I’m like, 13, I was distracted the whole time because the title ghoul’s name is pronounced “assfix,” so you have a whole bunch of English dudes runnin’ around talking about catching the “assfix.” Actually a cool flick though, honest.

175) Driller Killer (1979) ***: This is either one the artiest moron flicks, or dumbest art flicks I‘ve ever seen. It takes place in NY and focuses on this bohemian dude living in a NY apartment with these two dames who kinda get on his nerves. As he gets further and further behind on his masterpiece painting which is supposed to alleviate all their financial burdens his attachment to reality starts to slip. An AMAZING fake punk band (The Roosters, a bunch of creeps dressing up and doing a crude impression of sleazy punk that sounds closer to the Cramps than Ramones, but so inept that there’s kind of a charm) moves in and drives him even battier. Anyhoo, the killings start at some point, and though genre fans might be unimpressed by the low budget gore, as a movie there’s a definite charm to the overall cheapness. And of course I’m inclined to give any exploitation flick filmed in NY in the 70’s a thumbs up because the dirt and grime of the city at the time makes the perfect backdrop for a story focusing on the cheapness of life. I suppose you could say Driller Killer did with urban America the same thing that Texas Chainsaw Massacre did with rural America: allowing the inherently creepy setting to create the tone and atmosphere without worrying about the need to add a bunch of fog and lighting. In a sense this is one of my favorite kinds of exploitation flicks, where you can’t tell if the film maker is a genius or just too inept to make a “normal” movie. Classic stuff.

174) Ginger Snaps (2000) **: I actually dug this one. There’s these fake creepy (which is usually bad these days, but these girls aren’t too obnoxious) sisters who have all these sexual issues, and one of ‘em gets bit by a werewolf, which is used as this weird metaphor for women starting puberty. I think I just went into this expecting the worst straight to video modern looking “spooky” bs, but this wasn’t too stylistically obtrusive or hip, and there are moments where whatever they head into genuinely bizarre (for a werewolf movie at least) subject matter regarding young women’s bodies. Overall I thought this was pretty enjoyable, especially for a modern film.

173) Monster (1979) zilch: Monter b movie about some company dumping toxins in some Latin village that produces a mutant monster that eats people. Rubber suit fans might get a cheap rise out of this, but everyone else steer clear.

172) Halloween (1978) ***: This one’s revered by fan and critic alike, and I’m not about to rock the boat. It’s a common expression and all, but really, who doesn’t like this movie? Cultural significance and “writing the blueprint” aside, I’ve always given this flick credit for just being flat out entertaining. This is one of those movies where even though there’s a lot of substance and technical proficiency behind the film, you can still just sit back and enjoy the ride without applying any kind of abstract theory.

171) Dawn of the Dead (2006) zilch: This is a numetal video, not a horror movie. The fact that this is mindless CGI fluff is bad enough, but tainting the name of a stone cold classic is just insult to injury. Sorry, there’s just nothing about this my eyes like.

170) Scars of Dracula (1970) *: Fairly unmemorable Hammer Dracula piece. Can’t say I remember much about this one, but I got through it okay.

169) Kibakichi (2004) Hmmm, I guess this is more of a fantasy flick than horror, but who can complain when some weird Japanese flick about a town full of monsters in human form and a traveling monster in human form who stirs things up. Little-to-no-CGI in this day and age earns big respect from me, too. This is pretty entertaining stuff, no doubt, but definitely more of a “renter” than a “keeper.”

168) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) n/a: Another flick I think I remember for a minute, but get confused with other movies (From Beyond, Strange Behavior? I dunno)

167) Beyond the Door (1974) *: Not a particularly bad or good Italian exorcist clone. You can kind of guess what goes along with that. Another one where I can’t remember much of the specifics, but I still vaguely remember enjoying it.

166) Zombie 6 (1981) *: D’amato flick about a traveling priest who’s an expert in zombie killin.’ Since he follows around these zombies, when the zombies kill, he’s around, and thus he becomes a suspect for the cops. After that, I got nothing.’ Not the most coherent flick out, y’know? Some adequate gore, though, so if that’s what you’re looking for, and chances are it is if you’re watching a movie called “Zombie 6” it is, then why not?

165) Grim (1995) zilch: Oi, I dunno what to tell you here. Straight to video 90’s schlock about a, uh, cave troll that knocks off a bunch of, uh, spelunkers (!?!) one by one. Really some edge of your seat stuff here…

164) Blood Couple (1973) ****: Really REALLY cool flick. Truly unique slice of 70’s black cinema that gives an afrocentric portrayal of the vampire motif, but don’t expect Blacula style schlock, as there’s a lot of beautiful and probably accidental avant-garde cinematography techniques at play. A true testament to what a low budget and a lot of ingenuity can do. The soundtrack has a real dark-ambient-soundscape-on-a-shoestring-budget vibe that challenges even TX Chainsaw Massacre in that regard. Highly recommended.

163) Piranha II: the Spawning (1981) zilch: Flying fish, man? C’mon. It is what it is, but life’s too short to spend your time watching Jaws ripoffs…Well, not mine I guess, since I watched it, but you get my drift.

162) Nude Vampire (1970) n/a: Can’t remember a thing, sorry.

161) American Nightmare (1984) *: Not sure this one’s even a horror movie. It’s an interglobal jam about a young girl getting her start in the sex industry and how it tears her apart. Not enough skin or grit to really blow your mind, though.

159) 976-Evil (1989) *: Not much to say here. This one’s kind of a restrained (especially for the title) and corny “80’s” type flick about a nerd who gets his revenge on those who pick on him by turning into a demon. It’s a teeny bopper flick, but whatever, it’ll pass the time.

158) Demonoid: Messenger of Death (1981) **: This flick kind of blows it by putting just about the only cool scene in the first five minutes, but what a cool scene it is! Topless chick gets chained up and gets her hand chopped off by a satanic cult, then cult to a demon holding up a sword in fog. That’s some straight out of a Danzig video shit right there. The rest of the flick is okay, and centers around the cursed Mexican mine where the hand chopping took place. Oh, and the hand comes back to raise hell to. It’s cool, but like I said, you can turn it off after the first five minutes.

157) Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972) *: ‘70’s b movie about some vampyric farmers, “blood farmers,” if you will, after a certain blood type who the female protagonist just happens to have. You can figure out the rest.

156) Combat Shock (1986) **: Not really a horror flick, but it’s hard to walk away from this one without feeling an overall cheapness of life. The story focuses on a Viet Vet trying to make ends meet for him, his wife and their mutant baby. Lots of shitty New York grit from the same year as Cro-Mags “Age of Quarrel.”

155) A Chinese Ghost Story (1987) **: Really cool epic Chinese horror/fantasy flick revolving around a regular dude getting mixed up with some ghosts/deities. Great monsters, great special effects. Seriously, if you want to know why CGI ruined horror movies, watch this and imagine a world where every flick looked this dope.

154) Evil Christmas (1980) zilch: here’s a really boring flick about a dude who snaps one year, throws on a santa suit and starts-a-hackin.’ I guess he works in a toy factory and really likes toys or some shit. I guess if you like, REALLY revere the figure of Santa Clause this will just make your blood boil, but for everyone else just be prepared for boredom.

153) High Tension (2003) zilch: The lesbian chick and the killer are the same person. I’m intentionally trying to spoil the movie for you, party because I hope no one ever sees this film, and partly because if you do end up watching this I want you to keep in mind how fucking retarded it is that these “dual personalities” like, drive separate cars at the same time. I genuinely think this is worse than an M. Night Shyamalan film, and I also consider him the worst high profile director of our time. You know that scene in Adaptation where the Nick Cage who’s trying to write a screenplay for the first time where the twist is that the cop and the killer are the SAME PERSON, and his brother is like “yeah, but you have a scene where they’re chasing each other through central park, how can they be the same person if they’re chasing each other?” I guess the makers of this piece of fucking dogshit never saw that flick, or if they did they just thought the screenplay, a PARODY of trite pseudo-“psychological thrillers” that Hollywood cranks out, was a good idea, because this is just a bunch of fucking nonsense with one of the most forced TWISTS I’ve ever seen. If for whatever reason anyone involved in this film might read this (hey, it’s the internet, and you’re probably a big enough hack that you have to google your own movie to feel better about yourself, you just strike me as that type), seriously, FUCK YOU.

152) Jaws of Satan (1981) zilch: Satan, incarnated as a snake (a regular fucking snake), is reeking havoc all over the place. He messes with some priests, and…Jesus, who cares, it’s not even the jaws of Satan, it’s the jaws of some fucking snake. Bunch of bullshit right here.

151) The Meat Eater (1979) *: Here’s a pretty solid piece of drive-in schlock about a guy who opens a theater which closed due to a bunch of murders. There’s a killer in the theater, which only spells B A D news for everyone involved. Really hamfisted acting and an all around cheap aesthetic makes for an entertaining if vapid little piece of Americana.