2007 Part 5

150) Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970) n/a: I gotta rewatch all these giallos I saw this year, most of them all kinda blended together.

149) Open Water (2003) zilch: White people floating around in the ocean for two hours. Pass.

148) Psychomania (1971) ***: Here’s a movie that runs strong on pure cool, and I don’t mean one of those kind of boring flicks with a few highlights here and there, but a flick that’s 100% awesome 100% of the time. Well, okay, there’s some setup stuff that needs to be taken care of, but the movie’s about a mod UK biker gang called The Living Dead who find a way to die, come back to life, and then be invincible. Do they spend a lot of time sulking and contemplating immortality? Nope, they decide to just wreak havoc on their motorcycles and generally rage hard as shit. Like, there’s not a lot of atmosphere or high minded concepts at play here, but there are fucking motorcycles exploding out of graves and cool as hell looking bikers with THE LIVING DEAD on the back of their leather jackets terrorizing innocent people, so like, count me in.

147) Chopping Mall (1986) *: Security company implements the use of “killbots,” robotized security guards, to protect their mall. Teenagers decide to spend a night in the mall partying and getting wasted. You wanna guess where this is going? Not as raging as the title suggests, but still, if you want to say you’ve seen a film called CHOPPING MALL, then yeah, watch this.

146) Salem’s Lot (1979) *: Kind of dull flick about vampires. There’s some good visuals, though.

145) Alice Sweet Alice (1976) *: I wasn’t really paying attention when I watched this. Something about a little girl who kills people? Brooke Shields is in it for like, a minute, but the fine people at “GOOD TIMES HOME VIDEO” give her top billing, of course. Sticker damage on the side.

144) Dr Jeckyll’s Dungeon of Death (1982) *: Pretty ridiculous legit “mad scientist” type flick involving Dr. Jeckyll (why no, not THAT Dr. Jeckyll, this is his GRAND CHILD, fool!) who’s trying to perfect his grand dad’s serum which leads to lots of human experiments, and thus random kung fu scenes between two dudes locked in a cage. Lots of quasi s&m and cat fights for the Russ Meyers crowd.

143) Kiss Me Kill Me (1973) **: Cool looking and somewhat artsy Italian joint. It’s more French new wave than Mario Bava, though. I’m spacing on a lot of this, but I remember some mod lookin’ chick taking photos or something or other. Very easy on the eyes all around.

142) The Pit (1981) **: Freaky looking kid (seriously, good job casting this lil’ creep) finds a pit of “tra-la-logs,” AKA prehistoric beasts who feed on human flesh, and takes upon himself to keep them fed. With meat at first, but then he steps his game up and starts offing the people who fuck with him. The film gets sufficiently absurd to the point where the kid shoves some old lady with a wheelchair into the pit, and I dunno, lots of other ridiculous shit. Usually kids in horror movies are bad news, so I gotta give this flick some extra credit for making this actually watchable.

141) Brotherhood of Satan (1971) zilch: Highlights of this flick are the Satanic rituals lifted (pretty obviously) off Rosemary’s Baby. Every other minute is mind numbingly boring though. Add a PG rating into the mix and…Pass.

140) Night Creature horror (1978) zilch: American movie filmed in Thailand about a panther that just harshes everyone’s mellow and won’t just chillax and be cool. This is so slow, and it is so boring, and when you find out that it’s seriously just a normal panther that’s bothering these people (mind you they’re in THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING JUNGLE, where panthers are wont to be, not the suburbs or something) your brain will melt from frustration and boredom. For masochists only.

139) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) **: A fine testament to the “sci-fi = gross” motif, but with a Lovecraftian (which to me is just code for “confusing”) twist. I dunno, there’s like, portals or something, and there’s all these gooey slime monsters that we can’t see, but this scientist concocted some apparatus so you CAN see ‘em, but it makes you go crazy and yadda yadda yadda. Oh, also there’s some brother in like, TIGHT underwear for no reason. Seriously though, this movie’s fuckin’ gross! Not explicitly gory, but just gratuitous amounts of gunk and slime all over the place. Think The Fly or something.

138) Hills Have Eyes (1977) *: Three words: MUTANT RURAL CREEPS. Desert creeps to be exact. An RV full of normals falls into their trap, and one by one they get plucked off. Honestly, I wasn’t too moved by this one one way or the other, but hey, there’s still mutants, so it ain’t that bad.

137) Legend of Hell House (1973) **: Here’s a genuinely good ghost story about a bunch of psychics spending a night in an old timey haunted mansion and all the fixings that come with it. This one’s pretty straight and competent, and I gotta give it extra credit for being a PG rated horror movie (about a haunted house, no less) that kept my interest all the way though.

136) Friday the 13th III (1982) *: Not bad by any means, but I can’t say I really remember much from this one. Dead teenager film indeed.

135) Wendigo (2001) zilch: That’s right city folk, you thought in the snow you might avoid those pesky rural creeps found in the desert (Hills have Eyes) and swamplands (I Spit On Your Grave), but NO! Rural creeps, like Stormtroopers, can adapt to any climate! And don’t think that freakin’ Malcolm in the Middle kid is gonna be any help, either! This is utter shit, for sure, but it’s slick enough to keep your eyes on the screen. I wouldn’t really call that a good thing in and of itself, though, so don’t waste your time.

134) The Screaming (1972) *: If it’s good enough for that UK82 band to lift their name from the title and to earn it’s way into the Wizard Video library, then it’s good enough for me. Also, there’s freakin’ draculas, werewolves and Frankenstein. That’s what I call bang for your buck! This one’s kinda slow and leans towards the campy side, though.

133) Cat People (1982) **: Here’s a very cool, brooding somewhat melodramatic and atmospheric (fuck, chill on the adjectives, sorry) flick about an ancient race of cat/human hybrids. They’re kind of more like wereleopards than Cat People, but it’s a remake, so they were stuck with the name. This is kind of sexy in a classy kind of way (i.e. not just a bunch of shower scenes or whatever), but there’s a lot of weird incestuous undertones going on too. I definitely dug this one.

132) Vampire Lovers (1970) **: I’ve since rewatched this and gained an even greater appreciation for the film, but even on first viewing this flick appealed to me more than the average hammer horror film (admittedly because of the T&A factor which is way higher than the average Hammer joint). The plot’s a loose adaptation of the Elizabeth Bathory story and plays like your average vampires-but-not-quite-vampires story. Lots of luscious Euro ladies runnin’ around in see-through nighties will keep even a pedestrian fan of gothic horror interested, but there’s actually a high level of beautiful gothic imagery and subtexts that shines through on multiple viewings. Check my 2008 reviews for my updated opinion.

131) House of Seven Corpses (1974) *: Some arrogant director tries to make a film in a house where a bunch of people got murdered and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BAD HAPPENS AT ALL. This one’s fairly competent, but at the same time a bit too straight for my tastes.

130) Santa Claws (1996) zilch: Camcorder quality skin/slash flick with some—if I may be frank with you fine people for a moment--BUSTED ladies. You probably already know if you’re the type of person who’ll watch a film called “Santa Claws,” though.

129-128) Possessor (1975) Possessed (1975): I watched these the same weekend. With such similar names and the fact that they’re both on Wizard Video, there’s no way I’m telling these apart. One’s Spanish, one’s Italian, and they’re booth Exorcist clones.

127) The Ring II (2005) zilch: I don’t need to waste anyone’s time trashing this. I mean, it is what it is (modern day faux-spooky American horror), and obviously I hate this style with a passion, but every now and then you’re just like “Hey, I’ve heard about this flick, it’s showing on TV, why not?”

126) The Omen (2006) *: Hmmm, I don’t remember much about this one other than it wasn’t too offensive as far as these remakes go. It goes without saying that this is completely superfluous and unnecessary for anyone to see, but if you’ve got nothing else to watch and this comes on TV you could do worse.

125) Bad Moon (1996) *: Mid-range budget werewolf flick from the mid-90’s. Still unspoiled by CGI, there’s some adequate werewolf transformation scenes. Kinda like Howling, but less cool.

124) Messiah of Evil (1973) n/a: I know I’m reviewing this almost a year after seeing it, but I wasn’t able to keep track of this while it was going on.

123 ) Alien Contamination (1980) zilch: Alien clone that bored me to tears. Don’t remember much, so not much to say.

122) Girl in Room 2A (1973) **: Here’s a pretty decent Giallo revolving around a society who punishes loose women with this awesome red hooded executioner type. You’re supposed to keep guessing who the executioner is, but as is generally the case with these flicks, you don’t really care whodunit half as much as you count the minutes between death scenes, which thankfully this number delivers in spades. There’re plenty of memorable visuals in this one, but might not be the flick to convert those not already familiar with Italian horror pacing.

121) Lisa and the Devil (1973) **: Here’s a flick that exemplifies what Mario Bava was doing in the 70’s as opposed to his 60’s gothic noir. There’s still enough shadows and fog to let you know this it’s a Bava flick, but there’s definitely a more “modern” feel than, say, Black Sabbath. The plot’s a bit convoluted and confusing at times (remember: Bava flick), but there’s something to do with an old spooky Italian mansion and the mighty Telly Savales. Who could ask for more?

120) Night Terror (1989) *: Pretty standard 3 part horror anthology. Good boobs and Satanism in the first story. I watched this alone late at night in a weird 70’s cabin that was supposedly built over an Indian burial ground (okay, maybe not a burial ground, but some place where Indians kicked it back in the day), and thus supposedly haunted. No joke. Nothing happened, though, because none of that stuff’s real. HAIL SATAN!

119) Nightmare on Elm St. (1984) **: Not much can be said about this flick that hasn’t been said already, but I will say that for a polished teeny flick this one holds up quite nicely. The top notch special effects and supernatural concept puts this one somewhat out of place with the average low rent American slasher, but then again the average low rent slasher didn’t have ~10 sequels, a TV show, etc. All that stuff can kind of detract from what’s an enjoyable and ambitious independent production in and of itself.

118) Oasis of the Dead (1981) zilch: The only Jess Franco flick I’ve seen so far that I get absolutely nothing out of. I’d should specify that I’m watching an absolutely bottom of the barrel EP dubbed version that I’m sure’s been cut to oblivion, so maybe a DVD version will make me rethink my opinion, but from what I can gather there’s this Oasis with a treasure or something, and these people go investigating, and get a zombie attack instead. The zombies are pure schlock and there’s not much of Franco’s signature style at play here. Like I said, I’m withholding my final judgement ‘til I see a decent quality uncut print, but from what I’ve seen this is a snoozer.

117) Burial Ground (1983) zilch: Another zero budget Italo zombie flick I could live without. I’ll grant you weird kid with an oedipal complex injects SOME intrigue, but basically all you got here is a bunch of creeps in an old house waiting for a horde of zombies to close in. For some that sounds like heaven, but me it all felt very claustrophobic and tedious. A shame, as I actually dig the dude’s other joint, Nude Per L’assasino.

116) Voices From Beyond (1991) *: Later era Fulci that’s a little “paced” (the basic plot revolves around divvying up an inheritance…BOOOOORING) but there’s plenty of room for weirdo surreal flashbacks and what have you.

115) House By The Cemetery (1981) n/a: Can’t say I remember much about this one…Something about a zombie, and a shack? I dunno, I wasn’t really hip to Italian stuff at this point, so I probably didn’t like it anyways.

114) Lust for Frankenstein (1998) **: A newer, but quality Franco flick revolving around some weird lesbian relationship between a descendent of Frankenstein and a monster the good doctor left behind. It’s a Franco film, so expect plenty of surreal slow motion softcore sequences somewhat awkwardly inserted at will. Yes it’s VERY low budget, shot on digital film, etc., but like all of Franco’s work, there’s an endearing quality throughout. The fact that Franco’s willing to push whatever fake sexual boundaries exist for the straight to video market means you’ll at least get plenty of peaks at some bush. Overall this is a surprisingly entertaining slice of low budget kink from the hands of the master.

113) Bloodstained Butterfly (1971) n/a: A faceless giallo that I can’t remember to save my life.

112) I Spit On Your Grave (1978) ***: This is a notorious jaw dropper that’ll stay with you well beyond initial viewing. There’s a skeletal story, of course: a liberated, independent city woman goes to the country to “get away from it all” and focus on her writing, but once the local pack of rural creeps get a whiff of her, they move in for the kill…But first, the rape. Essentially what you got here is a multi-location drawn out rape that takes up what feels like 75% of the film. This is not some timid topless woman pinned down, screaming and wiggling, no, the film’s saving grace comes by way of its unflinching and brutal portrayal of rape. Even after all these years the flick still manages to leave the viewer dirty, as if watching the rape makes one complicate in the act itself , a case plenty of experts out there would argue. But the fact that the film makers never cop out and reduce the act to cheap titillation and insist on showing the mud smeared, leering, brutal reality of rape complete with the physical and psychologically crippling aftereffects on the victim is more admirable, in my mind, than the ever present “damsel in distress” motif found in most of Hollywood’s output. All moralizing aside, any film that can leave the viewer in an intense emotional state, be it disgust, elation or any points in between, is worthy of checking out at least once, and I’m not sure I want to cross paths with someone who wasn’t at least a little moved by I Spit on Your Grave, even it he or she was just moved to hit eject.

111) Simon Del Desierto (1965) ****: My first Bunuel flick, and what a beast it is! Here you got this saint, Simon, who stands on a giant pedestal in the desert in an effort to get more in touch with the lord. He eats only enough to survive and his scant earthly needs are tended to by devoted followers. But sure enough, Satan, in disguise as a legitimately beautiful woman, tries his hardest to temp Simon from his life of Piety, and these episodes result in a purely blissful climax. I’m not nearly skilled enough to dissect Bunuel’s technique with words. Bunuel masterfully sculpts a beautiful and surreal world here, but even if you’re just in it for the cheap laughs that ensue when Satan mocks Simon and his religion you can’t lose with this flick.

110) Reanimator (1985) **: I’ll admit it, I’m not sure I see the reason for people’s obsession with this flick. I mean, it’s a cool enough mad scientist joint with the feel of an ambitious independent genre bender not unlike Evil Dead, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t say this significantly revolutionized the way I look at “stuff coming back to life and killing people” movies. Still a fine “party flick” though.
109) Unborn (1991) *: Pretty unique and interesting film centering around a woman who can’t get pregnant, then does, but with a mutant baby, and tries to get an abortion. There’s kind of a conspiracy to stop her, though. Cool flick with a strange, pro choice message. Plus I’m a sucker for mutant babies. Kathy Griffin plays (surprise) an annoying lesbian. Lisa Kudrow is in there somewhere too.

108) Razor Blade Smile horror (1998) *: Straight to video vampire schlock. The funny part about this is, like pretty much ever post-Interview with a Vampire 90’s vamp flick, there’s this drive to like “straighten out the facts” about vampires with the viewer via drawn out narrative. This one goes off the deep end, like, EVERYTHING we know about vampires is apparently bs. “Sunlight? Forget what you heard. Garlic, mirrors, crosses? A bunch of nonsense. Do we really NEED blood? Psssh, you’re living in the past, geezer.” Basically, so much of what we know about vampires is wrong, according to this film, that the vampires are really barely vampires at all. But they still kill people and get nekkid, and thus this is still worth watching in a way.

107) From Beyond (1986) **: Cool Ranimator follow up that follows the “sci-fi = gross” motif Chronenberg built an empire on. This flick’s based around a scientist who taps into a 5th dimension unseen by the human eye. Expect a whole lotta slime and gunk and just…Ugh, gross sci-fi stuff in general.

106) Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1975) *: I don’t remember much from this one, but I remember it being pretty boring and unmemorable. Maybe I need to rewatch it, though, because the specifics all escape me, and the original poster art is just too cool. I know there’s a few zombies popping up along a countryside and…?

105) Diabolique (1955) ***: Here’s a very classy French number with enough grit to keep genre enthusiasts in their seats. It’s a standard tale; two women decide to off their no good two timing man, and in their quest to cover up the crime, hijinks ensue. Obviously it’s a classic and all the critics already agree, so let’s not belabor the point?

104) Scanners (1981) **: Now, I’m not one to dis a Cronenberg flick, but I wasn’t particularly blown away upon first watching this number. It’s a little on the “standard” side, but a standard “psychics blowing up people’s heads” is still worth watching, and I’m assuming this’ll hold up to repeat viewings.

103) God Told Me To …Kill! (1976) zilch: I got nothing out of this one. I know people are supposed to pretend to like early Cohen bros exploitation stuff on principle or whatever, but this is just a boring flick about a bunch of killings that tacks on a sci fi space entity at the end for basically no reason.

102) Videodrome (1983) ***: A very surreal commentary on violence in media with Cronenberg’s thumbprint deeply embedded. I unabashedly worship anything this guy puts out, you already know what my opinion’s gonna be on this.

101) Rosemary’s Baby (1968) ***: Here’s a classic creeper. Nice and slow until the end, and then…YOWZA! Of course I love my bottom of the barrel exploito-ludge, but every now and then you need to take in a classy number or two to cleanse your pallet.