2007 Part 3

250) Manhunter (1986) **: It’s unfortunately become impossible to talk about this film without mentioning Silence of the Lambs, and how this was the precursor. That said, there’s a very similar vibe with the two films, in that they’re stylistically straight crime dramas more than horror per se, but the nature of the crime, the grizzly serial killer Hannibal Lector, puts the film into horror territory. This might not have the full blown star power and iconic status as Silence of the Lambs, but everything you can get from that film you can find here, and damnit this was first! This is definitely a solid film in its own right, though it might play a little bit “adult” for horror fans. And holy shit, the Iron Butterfly scene at the end, can I get a witness?

249) Crystal Force (1992) **: This is a surprisingly entertaining low budget “don’t mess with the supernatural” type flick. There’s lot of spinning pentagrams, skin, and a demon. Vista Entertainment felt that’s all they needed to keep me entertained, and they were right.

248) Tomb of Torture (1963) **: Atomsphere, atmosphere, atmosphere, that’s what this film has going for it. Castles, freaks, shadows, monsters, beauties…you think Bava was the only guy working in Italy in the 60’s who was doing this stuff? Then watch this.

247) Lord of Illusions (1995) *: This is a pretty straight mainstream flick with the feel of an attempt at capturing the essence of an old “hard boiled detective story” with the (kind of trite) Clive Barker supernatural stuff crammed in. Convincing? Not quite, but the attempt is made. Another fine example of how filmmakers were kind of stabbing wildly at making anything in the post-slasher/pre-Scream antebellum period. Expect lots of adults acting VERY SERIOUS and some decent special effects.

246) Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997) zilch: Ugh, who fucking knows what’s going on with this one. Bored be to the point of not paying a second of attention.

245) Mortuary (1981) **: Adequate Vestron joint about the school creep who works at the family morgue and also kills ladies. It’s a “teen” flick with lots of actors well past their high school years, but as far as 80’s slashers go, this does its job.

244) The Crazies (1973) *: For a Romero film from this era this one really didn’t do much for me. This just seemed like a fairly run of the mill government spawned chemical plague flick to me with lots of dudes running around in those CDC outfits. It does have that crazy Dark Crystal looking chick from Shivers, though.

243) Waxwork (1988) **: Here’s a pretty corny but basically watchable flick about a spooky wax museum that sucks you into the time of the exhibit if you step behind the velvet rope. I can’t remember all the scenarios the dopey teenagers get sucked into, but I know the one with Marquis De Sade is particularly laughable. The ending where all the exhibits come to life and battle an angry mob is CLASSIC.

242) Trauma AKA Enigma Rosso (1978) *:Here’s a good Italian giallo centering around a murder at a girl’s school. Don’t’ worry, this film captures the essence of the girl’s school experience with an extended shower scene. You get plenty of those quality giallo deaths including (I think) a dildoing? Pretty gritty stuff, but I’m generally just twiddling my thumbs watching these movies, waiting for the sex and death.

241) Brides of the Beast (1968) *: Here’s a standard monster flick filmed in the Philippines. You got tribal folks, a rubber suit monster, jungle sacrifice, all the clichés. Makes for an entertaining enough watch, though.

240) Demons 2 (1986) **: One of the more palatable Lamberto Bava flicks, this one’s definitely propelled by the decent death scenes and a vague attempt at a “goth” soundtrack. Overall watchable.

239) Blood Frenzy (1987) **: Here’s a pretty by the books slasher about a bunch of nuts who go out to the desert on some sort of group therapy thing. Everybody has a separate dysfunction, so I don’t know why everyone’s going together, but they are, and they start to get killed. A low budget makes this “for genre fans only,” but fans of 80’s slasher won’t be disappointed (or particularly blown away)

238) Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface (2002) *: Here’s a zilch budget for-the-fans-by-the-fans slasher. The acting’s terrible, the sound’s bad, uh, everything’s bad, but there’s still an undeniable charm in a bunch of friends getting a digital camera and just going for it.

237) Junior (1985) **: Ah yes, the rural creeps, one of my absolute favorite horror motifs. This time you got some females trying to get away from an urban nightmare only to be confronted by…CREEPS! RURAL CREEPS! You got a skeptical sheriff, the sympathetic handyman, and a handful of perpetually leering good ol’ boys, and of course, Junior. Now, don’t expect the brutality of I Spit On Your Grave or anything, but there’s a fair amount of skin and compromising positions of the two young ladies to keep your interest if you’re a fan of that sort of thing.

236) Monster in the Closet (1987) **: I don’t usually go in for these campy Troma bits, but for some reason this one was just thoroughly entertaining all the way through. Here you got this “closet monster,” which kind of looks like a giant rubber suit turd, who’s inexplicably indestructible, and the motley crew of an old scientist and underdog journalist who have to find a way to stop the beast. This is more along the lines of a parody, but the film consistently ups the ante on ridiculousness all the way through, and what can I say, it kept my interest.

235) Vengeance of the Dead (2001) *: Okay, this sucks, no doubt, BUT, it’s great because the lead has this very, uh, EFFIMINATE quality to his voice, dig? Real lispy and all that, right? But they try to put him in this position as like, a farm raised masculine country boy, and try to give him all these rustic lines, but, y’know, he has this sissy voice so he butchers it every time. I mean, it’s not his fault, it’s just funny that he was the best these guys could find and they try to barrel through the movie like no one notices. Basically, this kid comes back home, and there’s this spirit who possesses him to kill people. It’s way boring, though. I would say the film’s wholly unredeeming, but again, you got Lispy McLispington making for a total headscratcher.

234) Exorcist II The Heritic (1977) *: I don’t remember much about this aside from being bored most of the time. There’s some talk of an African demon and some locust scenes, but if you want more Exorcist action stick to a schlocky Italian knockoff.

233) Schizo (1976) n/a: I know I sat through this, but remember nothing

232) Basket Case (1982) **: Very cool low budget joint shot in New York. It’s gritty, it’s kind of cheesy, and it’s a total party flick. Everyone’s seen this, right? It’s the one about a dude with a freaky foam monster in a basket? Okay, good, moving on.

231) Ghosts that Still Walk (1977) zilch: this has the distinguished honor of being perhaps THE most boring film I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration either, I honestly can’t remember watching a movie and hoping it would end more than when I was watching this. I can’t even tell you what happens. There’s like, a kid, and he’s having issues, and for about two hours there’s these old people driving aimlessly through the desert…Seriously, I cannot describe the torture I felt watching this film. Oh, I’ve seen worse, much worse, I’m sure, but more boring? Not that I can recall. Now, it might have just been the mood I was in, I can’t say for certain, but I’m not about to watch this again to find out.

230) CHUD (1984) **: Seminal 80’s flick about sewer monsters eating homeless people and the corrupt city officials who do nothing to stop them. Daniel Stern will probably stick out to anyone of my generation because of his role in Home Alone. This is a watchable flick and all, but didn’t leave much of an impact on me.

229) Legend of the Werewolf (1975) **: Hammer-esque flick about—you guessed it—a werewolf who settles down in the worst town ever! Seriously, all there is is a terrible zoo, a “house of ill repute” and a cop. Unfamiliar with human law and being of the werewolf persuasion and thus unsuited for the job of prostitute, he decides to tend to the wolves at the terrible, terrible zoo. Straight life doesn’t last our protagonist long though, and you can imagine the rest. These period pieces can be deadly boring sometimes, but this’ll keep your interest.

228) Murderer’s Keep (1970) *: Deaf/Mute girl witnesses a murder. Soul brother tries to teach deaf/mute girl to talk. The murderers in question don’t want this to happen. Hijinks ensue. Lots of good gritty old NY footage, which I like in any movie, but entertainingly bad acting aside, this one moves kind of slow.

227) The Boneyard (1991) ***: Weird weird weird weird WEIRD freaking movie. Basically, there’s some psychic chick and a cop and a menagerie of other weirdoes stuck in a morgue (“the boneyard”) late at night, and these super creepy dead kids turn into ghouls and start terrorizing the place. What’s so weird about that? Well, these kids are legitimately freaking TERRIFYING, like, absolutely gross little creatures, and totally convincing horror movie monsters. Again, not weird, but about midway through the film, they do a complete 180 and bust out a giant zombie Phyllis Diller (!) or “Ms. Poopenplatz” (!!!) as she’s called in the film, and then get even MORE ridiculous and get a freakin’ poodle involved in the mix….Basically, this starts out like, I dunno, The Ring or something, like, genuinely creepy (moreso than a lot of flicks that try a lot harder…Such as The Ring, for instance), and then verge off into campy/gory Dead Alive territory. Of course this predates both films. I assure you, you will not be able to stop watching this film once you start.

226) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978) **: Woah, a film where Jeff Goldblum is having things explained to him rather than him explaining abstract theories to other people? How times change…This is an entertaining enough film though. More sci-fi than horror (duh), but I haven’t seen the original so I don’t have much I can compare it to, and thus won’t spend too much time on this one.

225) Blood Legacy (1971) *: One word: NECKERCHIEFS; this flick has ‘em to spare. Also there’s some room with a bunch of nazi stuff that includes a totally absurd “lampshade.” Ugh, and a total groan inducing ending. Oh, what’s the film about? A dad dies and has a bunch of kids spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance. Yeah, it goes there. I think when I die I’ll put something in my will about everyone having to spend a night in my room to get all my worldly possessions. There won’t be anything spooky set up, I just think that’d be funny.

224) Wolf (1994) **: Big budget werewolf flick with some real actors in it makes for an overall watchable flick. It’s similar to the Fly in that the transformation starts off good for the character, but goes awry. It’s not like, 1/10 as gross as the Fly though, but what’s that mean, really? Take away the Hollywood factor and you’d have a pretty dull flick, but any excuse to watch Jack Nicholson be cool on screen for an hour and a half is good enough for me. That this one happens to involve a werewolf is all the better.

223) Hatchet for a Honeymoon (1970) n/a: I spaced out during this one. I have to rewatch it before I’ll have anything remotely worth saying about it.

222) Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) *: Paul Naschy horror flick revolving about some burned witches coming back and messing with the ancestors of the people who burned them. If you’re into period pieces this is pretty watchable, otherwise, watch out. Highlight of this for me was that this was the “Greatest Film Classics” version. Best fucking name for a shitty video company ever!

221) Dr. Blood’s Coffin (1961) *: Fairly standard mad scientist piece here about bringing back a dead wife and yadda yadda yadda. Nothing really extraordinary here, but there’s some good dialogue where the scientist guy starts talking about good and evil and all that.

220) Eyeball AKA Gatti Rossi in un Labirinto di Vetro (1978) **: The setup? A bunch of tourists get knocked off one by one by a killer who plucks out their eyes before they die. Lots of gratuitous gore and nudity (including the pinup worthy East Indian Ines Pellegrini who plays a model/lesbian [though not a model lesbian]) and everything else you’d expect from a ‘70s giallo.

219) Poor Pretty Eddie (1975) ***: Eeeeew, more rural creeps! This one has a weird race factor thrown in for good measure. Basically a semi-famous black female singer breaks down in good ol’ boys ville and becomes the object of affection for our title character. Rape is always imminent for our female protagonist, and if it’s not the rape it’s the threat of violence from the big girl Pretty Eddie goes to when nothing better comes around. This is a really convincing and engaging slice of exploitation right here, and there’s some pretty decent social commentary about race relations without getting too heavy handed. I definitely gotta recommend this one, though I wouldn’t call it a horror movie proper.

218) Pulse (1988) zilch: Man, there was a big drive in the 80’s to FREAK PEOPLE OUT about their houses. I guess when the culture gets more materialistic, horror film makers just have to make people scared of their material. This time around, it’s not so much your house, but the electricity in your house. Yeah, it’ll get you, watch out. Really, this is a fine and normal movie, but fuck, I get so bored watching these types of movies, and any horror movie with a kid as a main character starts out with a big hurdle to overcome (which this never does).

217) Nightmare In Wax (1969) **: Most any horror flick involving a wax museum can be way tedious, but this one’s pretty good. You got your Hollywood wax museum with “ultra realistic” wax sculptures. Only thing is, the eccentric who runs the place gets the statues, and then the celebrities mysteriously disappear. What could be the cause of these missing Hollywood celebs? Could there POSSIBLY be a connection to this cape wearing eye patch guy who runs the wax museum? Yeah, so you’re ten steps ahead of the plot, who cares, it’s a total drive-in flick complete with gawdy colors golly-gee type teens.

216) Visiting Hours (1982) *: Odd flick about a misogynist and racist and general nogoodnic who stalks this vocal liberal female reporter or something, puts her in the hospital, then basically spends the rest of the movie trying to finish the job (and slicing a few others up along the way). I don’t think the flick’s as suspenseful as the filmmakers think it is, but it’s not boring, which is the downfall of many a “thriller.”

215) Poltergeist II (1986) *: This house will not leave these poor people alone! Hey, how did they cast for these movies? Like “Attention: Are people afraid to look at you? Are you a legitimately horrifying person to be around just because you look like a ghoul without any makeup on? Well, we want to put you in the movies!” Seriously, some creepy looking mofos up in this piece.

214) Day of the Triffids (1962) *: Really cheapo drive-in sci-fi faire. This really isn’t my thing, but I’m sure genre fans will be pleased.

213) Fury of the Wolfman (1972) **: Paul Nachsy flick about—you guessed it—a Wolfman! Lots of mad scientists and other kooks thrown in for good measure. Also a pretty good run where the Wolfman just flips out and starts wrecking stuff in town. Wolfman’s kind of a jerk.

212) House of Psychotic Women (1973) *: Just to clarify, a House of Psychotic women consists of just 3 women, and they’re not psychotic so much as kinda slutty. Just wanted to clarify that for you. Basically some excon wanders the country side then gets mixed up with these dizzy dames, and the rest you can figure out. Oh, and this is on “World’s Worst Videos,” which may or may not be a division of “Greatest Film Classics.”

211) The Fly (1986) ***: Absolutely essential Cronenberg grossout revolving around Jeff Goldblum’s scientific misstep which fuses his body with that of a fly. Things start out good for our boy, but quickly go to pot. This is essentially a “don’t fool with mother nature” slick looking sci-fi deal, but it’s Cronenberg’s familiarity and obsession with the boundaries of what can be done to the physical body that makes this so impactful. Like, there’s general sci-fi gross, and there’s this flick which will make you wince, turn away from the screen, and gave moments of genuine disgust. It’s shots like when Goldblum’s fingers start falling off when he’s typing that makes this film so effective, because there Cronenberg’s taken something fantastic, a human turning into a fly, and brought in something familiar to give the audience a reference point. This is a stone cold solid classic that won’t hurt to watch at least once a year.

210) Crucible of Terror (1971) zilch: Alright, I saw this flick was about an artist who kills models and I was hoping for a ‘70’s version of one of my favorite horror flicks “A Bucket of Blood.” I was kind of off base with that. Way off base. I guess this is kind of what Driller Killer would be like if it was set on an English countryside instead of ‘70’s New York, there was no punk, or drills, or raging. Really shitty shit.

209) Subspecies 4 (1998) n/a: I don’t remember much of this one. I know it takes place in Romania and is chock full of Full Moon style schlock. Expect plenty of 90’s vampire melodrama, too. Not much I can say beyond that, though.

208) Orgy of the Dead (1966) **: Well, it’s a thinly veiled skin flick by Ed Wood revolving around a bunch of va-va-voom babes dancing in a graveyard for the delight of Criswell and Vampira while some “nifty” teens from the “other 60’s” watch the spectacle unfold. The Wolfman and Mummy show up at some point and….? I actually found myself pretty entertained. I know Ed Wood’s sort of the mainstream’s whipping boy for low budget schlock, but if you’re a fan of cheap graveyards, fog, monsters and nekkid ladies, this film actually has a lot of really cool imagery if you can get past the camp factor.

207) In Dreams (1999) zilch: Kind of a suspense thriller where a chick sees something but no one believes her, and then it turns out she was right. What is it with all these kinds of movies? Like, what’s that Jodie Foster flick where she loses her daughter on a plane, but no one believes her? And didn’t Sandra Boooolock have a flick like that recently too? I don’t even know if this counts as a horror movie, but whatever.

206) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) ***: Here’s a no brainer stone cold classic that’s impossible to deny. Generally when I use the word “atmosphere” in relation to a horror film I’m talking about a European gothic aesthetic of shadows and fog, a tradition held in place from Nosferatu on. But in TCM there’s an atmosphere just as brooding as any European castle can muster up, and it’s distinctly American, focusing specifically on capturing the bizarre effect of finding yourself in a strange rural part of the country. Yes, this is the Citizen Kane of rural creep flicks and a fully realized anticipation of the 80’s slasher. The plot is essentially transparent, focusing on a van of teenagers up to no good poking around old houses where they shouldn’t and awakening the wrath of leatherface’s fam, but what makes the movie so transfixing is the graininess and raw grit of the film which adds to the “based on real events” setup in the beginning of the film, and a soundtrack of industrial farm equipment and AM radio which establishes a truly disturbing tone, to the point where by the time all the taxidermy and chainsaw killings come in to play, they almost feel superfluous. I really feel it’s the tone and atmosphere which makes TCM canon and equally low budget gorefests snooze-worthy.

205) Land of the Dead (2005) zilch: Slick looking videogame bullshit. I guess this is good enough to keep your eyes on screen for an hour and change, but I walked away from this with nothing. Because Romero’s at the helm I want to make excuses and think at least he addressed the subject of class in the same sort of way his older movies looked at race, authority, consumerism, etc…But no, I’m not giving in! This is as much a horror movie as Transformers, but at least Transformers is comfortable in its “big budget dummy Hollywood movie” status, and not pandering (while simultaneously betraying) genre fans.

204) The Nesting (1981) zilch: Okay, writer chick suffering from agoraphobia splits for the countryside. Uh oh, should have specified that you didn’t want the house that’s a HaUnTeD!!!! I dunno, typical haunted house/fragile female psyche fare. What was with all these?

203) Night of the Living Dead (1968) ****: I’m trying to find the words to describe this, and I’m coming up short. In essence, it has everything I seek out in horror films: allegory, social commentary, and a completely independent and idiosyncratic artistic vision devoid of pretension. And, to top it off, even if you put all that aside, you still have an “entertaining” film that’s beautiful to watch and completely fulfils its duty as a “genre piece.” Yep, it’s a masterpiece, but you already knew that, so moving on…

202) Omen II (1978) **: This is actually a really respectful sequel, and basically does what any good sequal SHOULD do, which is follow up on loose ends introduced in the first film. Basically, if you watched the Omen and want to know what happens next, here ‘tis, nothing more, nothing less. Well, I guess a little more, as the soundtrack and story are all above par, but you get my drift.

201) Premonition (2004) *: Not a particularly notable modern day j-horror. I think this must have just came on TV one day, ‘cause I can’t imagine I’d put effort into seeing this. Also, can’t say I remember much about this outside of a guy who sees the future from reading newspapers, and then has to come to grips with whether or not he wants to keep reading them. Shit, maybe I fell asleep before the end, ‘cause I can’t remember what happened after that. Regardless, this isn’t really my style, so it’s not like I’d have a whole lot so say regardless.