2007 part 6

100) The Tempter (1974) **: Killer Italian exorcist ripoff (a genre I’m always game for) revolving around a woman surviving a car crash and then becoming possessed. The flick can be a little slow at times, but more than makes up for it with the dream sequence involving, uh, things you do with a goat besides feeding it.

99) Amityville II (1982) **: “Mainstream haunted house sequel:” any one of those phrases should set off a red flag to the sleaze connoisseur that there’s boring times ahead. Yet lo and behold, Amityville II: The Possession has enough genuinely fucked up moments wrapped in such a superficially standard casing that the flick manages to really catch you off guard. I’m referring of course to the creepy incestuous lusts of the male possessee over his nubile sister. As an only child, I don’t feel guilty saying I always get a kick out of seeing this stuff on screen, and thankfully the budget allows for some actors who can really drive home the creepiness. I’m not trying to purport this as some full blown sleazefest, but if it comes on cable or whatever you might as well stay tuned.

98) Wolfen (1981) zilch: “Werewolf” flick (a guy transforms into an actual wolf, not a wolfman, proper, hence the quotes) with lots of “getting in touch with nature” Native American mumbo jumbo sporadically intertwined. Can’t remember a lot of this flick, don’t really want to.

97) Women’s Prison Massacre (1983) n/a: Okay, not really a horror movie, but it’s easy to believe it might be due to the title, no? Unfortunately I saw a cut version of this, so I can’t really say I’ve seen this for real. I’m sure a cheapo DVD’ll cross my path at some point.

96) Deadly Dreams (1988) n/a: All I remember is there’s a decent looking killer in a fox mask, but if that’s all that comes to mind that should tell you something.

95) Bay of Blood horror (1971) **: Raw Bava flick about some kids staying at some lakeside house that they may or may not inherit or something (does it really matter, like, REALLY?), and guess what? THEY ALL GET FREAKIN’ HACKED UP ONE BY ONE! Quite gory for a Bava flick, this sort of plays like it was made in ’81, not ’71. I may need to watch this one again, though, because at the time I didn’t quite see a lot of the trademark Bava touches on this one.

94) Exquisite Cadaver (1969) n/a: AKA Las Crueles. I vaguely remember a diabolique theme coupled with some artsy touches, but not much beyond that.

93) Omen (1976) **: A fine film, but uh, a little slow at times. I’m not challenging the film’s role in the hierarchy of horror or anything, but I can’t imagine wanting to watch this flick more than maybe once ever few years.

92) Constantine (2005) *: Slick mainstream fluff that’s good enough to kill a few hours…I don’t mean that as a dig, this is a pretty entertaining flick, but obviously you don’t go into a Keanu Reeves comic book adaptation expecting much more beyond that. Why wasn’t Justin Bartha cast as the sidekick, though? Man, you have no idea how many times I ask that.

91) My Bloody Valentine (1981) zilch: AKA “Hey guys, lets go party in that cursed mine, I’m sure NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN AT ALL.” File this one next to Prom Night in the “80’s slashers that are kind of a big deal but I don’t ‘get’ at all” department.

90) Friday the 13th (1980) **: A fine dead teenager film. There are other people better suited to sing this film’s accolades, as I don’t really see the film as deserving of its meteoric status outside of the obvious historical importance (i.e. it made a lot of money and immediately spawned a lot of imitators, as though all the groundwork of the slasher genre hadn’t already been laid). It’s a great slasher, obviously, but I don’t really have the nostalgic attachment that makes most people lose their minds over the corporate entity known as “Jason.”

89) Night Breed (1990) zilch: Okay, there’s like, this hidden monster world, and all the monsters have super powers or some shit? It’s like they wanted the movie to blow up so they could make action figures of all the peripheral characters or something. Man, fuck Clive Barker! Okay, dude struck fucking GOLD with the first two Hellraisers, no one’s gonna take that away from him, but what’s the difference from this nonsense and that one Howie Mandell flick, what was it, Little Monsters? I guess it’s worth watching as the (fucking corny) monsters look great, and good special effects makeup is a pleasure to see in the CGI era, but yeah this shit’s mad lame.

88) House of Wax (2005) zilch: The shit you see late night on cable…There’s obviously no challenge in shooting down nu-horror like this, so this would be a lot more interesting to read if I was able to find some hidden charm underneath the veneer, but sorry folks, there’s nothing. Moving on…

87) Wicker Man (1973) ***: Man, illest flick! I’ve loved this joint since back in the day, and it never gets old. If you haven’t seen it, well, first of all, WATCH THE MOVIE, but it’s a really cool atmospheric British thriller with perfect pacing and a classic horror ending centering around a British police officer looking for a missing girl in a Pagan society. Saying too much might blow it, so I’ll just say it’s probably my favorite Brit horror flick and everyone should get down with it.

86) Wicker Man (2006) *: I don’t get why this film got trashed so hard by the critics and box office. Well, the box office I can understand: the original’s a pretty “boring” film by modern standards, and the remake is more or less in line with the original. Yeah some details get arbitrarily switched around, but it’s not like there’s a bunch of numetal on the soundtrack or Dane Cook plays the lead or whatever. I mean, yes, it’s completely superfluous and unnecessary for anyone to watch, but “it could be worse,” which is a big complement when it comes to modern horror remakes.

85) Dawn of the Dead (1978) ***: Yep, it’s a stone cold classic. Romero holdin’ it down like no one else can. You can get caught up in the “statement on consumerism” factor of the flick all you want, but don’t overlook the suspense and character development the dude was able to squeeze out of shoestring budget. Give respect.

84) Eraserhead (1977) *: Alright, I’m not gonna lie, I did NOT get this film. I’m fine with artsy stuff, but this was just lost on me, but it’s a respected enough flick that it doesn’t matter what the hell I say about it. I’ll grant that there’s a good unsettling tone throughout the film, and that dino baby thing is heebie-jeebie worthy, but as a whole, yeah, way over my head.

83) The Johnsons (1992) zilch: Not much I can remember about this one outside of a lingering sense of boredom. I guess if you’ve never seen a horror flick from Holland you can watch this and say you have, though.

82) Manhattan Baby (1982) n/a: If I didn’t have this list handy I would have never thought I watched this flick, but I guess I did, so…

81) Evil Dead 2 (1987) **: A classic indie number with a well deserved cult status. Admittedly I was a lot more blown away by the trick angles and campy acting when I was a youngin,’ but this still holds up for the most part.

80) The Killing Hour (1982) *: Fairly slick copper flick where the lead cop does some standup comedy on the side. That’s basically the twist, I guess, as this is a pretty straight forward “find the killer” mystery number.

79) 7 Bloodstained Orchids (1972) n/a: A lot of these giallos kind of blur together. Can’t remember anything that distinguishes this one from any of the other.

78) Beyond Evil (1980) n/a: Nope can’t recall a thing

77) Photo of Delirium (1987) n/a: Fuck, another one that totally escapes me…

76) Drive In Massacre () *: Fun and CHEAP b movie trash. The acting’s way over the top, the killings are plentiful, and all the expectations that come along with a movie called Drive In Massacre are fulfilled. The film The Meateater might be a fair comparison, but I don’t know if one is any more or less obscure than the other.

75) Mask of Wax (1997) *: HORROR MOVIES REVOLVING AROUND WAX SUCK. Period. Even Argento and Fulci can’t do anything watchable with the motif, even with a bigger budget like this. There are certainly moments, but by and large this won’t make any top ten lists of fans of either film maker.

74) Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1974) ***: Now here’s a flick that sticks to you! There are definitely weeks when I say that Trash, another of Morrissey’s films, is my favorite movie of all time, period, so that should tell you I’m a little biased towards this aesthetic. All the standard Morrissey elements are in effect though, such as amateur acting (it’s all very natural though, kind of like bad acting turned on its ear), homoerotic overtones and a huge spotlight on all things trashy and sleazy. The man’s a genius, but like most true geniuses, you’ll either love or hate his work.

73) Day of the Dead (1985) **: A quality exploration of the nature of authority vs. intellect and the true nature of man and all that. This might come off as fairly heavy handed on the message tip, but I’m fine with it. Great film, and a fine example of a film maker getting a little bit of a budget and doing something classy with it. Yeah, it’s a little slick compared to the man’s 70’s numbers, but I’m not gonna hold it against him.

72) Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) **: Fuck yes! When you don’t have the budget, and you don’t have the actors, just go for lots of gratuitous and super kinky sex. I guess this is kind of marred by the Troma connection, but fuck it, but it’s so enjoyable to watch that who can keep track of the distributor? Yes it’s an “homage” to HG Lewis’ “Wizard of Gore,” so expect plenty of tedious low budget torture scenes, but again, TONS OF KINKY, SLEAZY 70’S SEX. Approved!

71) Vampyres (1974) **: I sense this flick was maybe just a little influenced by Vampire Lovers, no? Not a bad thing by any means, as melodrama, atmosphere and heavy doses of skin are a sure fire formula to get me on board for a vampire flick. Only other flick I’ve seen from this can is the totally over the top Black Candles, so I gotta start tracking this guy’s stuff down.

70) Martin (1977) ***: Pretty much any pre-Numetal George A Romero is cannon on principle, but I think this is somewhat of an underrated personal favorite about a vampire who’s not really a vampire. Clever, funny, grizzly, everything you’d want from Vintage Romero. This also addresses the alienation of a male’s teen years better than any other flick that comes to mind, and to take on a subject like that and not veer off into sentimental territory is admirable in itself.

69) Perfume of a Lady in Black (1974) *: Here’s a fairly standard giallo revolving around a resort and some murders. It’s well paced (read boring) and holds off on the gore ‘til the end. I kind of snoozed through this one, but generally these giallos are kind of lost on me.

68) Blade of the Ripper (1971) n/a: It’s all a haze, sorry…

67) Fangs of the Living Dead (1969) *: Sub par (but not wholly non-redeeming) old castle & fog number helped by some gorgeous voluptuous vampire babez. Of course Amando De Ossorio’s done better work, as the low gore/non-nudity factor is kind of a buzz kill, but still, you could do worse.

66) Eaten Alive (1977) **: Totally killer American exploitation number centering around a rural creep who throws folks who stay at his hotel to a croc in the pond in the back. A constant barage of AM country radio provides atmosphere enough, and plenty of “aw shucks” yokels flesh out a very watchable and endearing horror number that won’t disappoint the TX Chainsaw Massacre set.

65) Vampire Journals (1997) *: Straight to video vampire schlock with lotsa skin. I remember this one being pretty watchable, actually, despite the Full Moon factor. Expect some melodramatic ass vampires, though.

64) The Mimic 2 (2001) zilch: Okay, can I really be that much of an elitist or a snob if I’m willing to give shit like this a spin? I mean, yeah I fell asleep half way through, but what’s it to ya?

63) Nude Per L’assasino aka Strip Nude For Your Killer (1975) **: I saw the Italian language version of this, no subtitles or anything, but SOMEHOW I was able to keep up. Premise: someone’s killing models. It’s a giallo, so expect the appropriate amounts of grittiness, nudity and slashings. The killer loosens the sink handles when he’s about to strike, so all the death scenes have this dripping sound going on in the background, which results in some pretty effective moments of suspense. These giallos are pretty hit and miss with me, but I gotta say even without the benefit of dialogue this one kept me paying attention all the way through.

62) Hellraiser 3 (1992) zilch: Fuck you “CD Head.” Man, what a betrayal of a decent idea they had with the original. I can never be bothered to remember the exact details of this one, but I know I’m always disappointed.

61) Hellraiser II (1988) ***: I like this movie a lot, but I’ve been watching it since I was a kid and still don’t have a 100% grip on what’s going on. Okay, obviously it’s the bad lady from the first Hellraiser come back to mess with that daughter chick, and the mythology of the cynobites is expanded upon and there’s the really cool footage of hell and all that, but at some point I always get lost watching this flick, and you know what? I like it. Visually it’s as excellent as the first, which is another all time fave, so yeah, watch it, okay?

60) Zombie 90 (1991) zilch/****: Yes, it’s a shitty movie, but it reaches such epic levels of shittiness that it has an almost psychedelic effect on the viewer. You might say to yourself “no, this can’t be happening, they can’t be dubbing this nerdy German doctor dude with this stereotypical ‘Well hello deh’ deep black guy voice, no one would think these red pantyhose would honestly pass as entrails, they aren’t seriously trying to pass this off as a movie, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!” Don’t worry, it’s not, it’s all a dream. Andreas Schnaas, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

59) Zombie Doom (1999) *: Hmm, this one suffers from being a little too entertaining (in a very post-Tarantino “give the people what they want” fake-cool instant gratification kind of way) and doesn’t quite hit Zombie 90 levels of bizarro Teutonic repetitious delirium, but still, I can’t fault a zilch budget flick for being too entertaining. Plotwise, a bunch of dorks crash their boat on an island and the locals have a weird post-apocalyptic setup and they end up hunting said dorks. Highlights include these weird teeth thingies biting these, uh, “unconventional” looking women’s cooters, zombies, and ninjas for like, no reason whatsoever. Total nonsense, but like I said, it’ll keep you in your seat.

58) Possession of Nurse Sherri (1978) *: I was kind of hoping for an exorcist type film based on the title, but no such luck. Instead of the Lord of Darkness possessing Nurse Sherri, it’s just some old dude from a cult. He wants her to kill for some reason, but I forget why. I dunno, not enough skin and guts to keep this train rolling.

57) Blood Symbol (1992) n/a: Too many movies with “blood” in the title this year, sorry.

56) Premutos (1997) zilch: Olaf Ittenbach, you are no Andreas Schnaas, okay? ONE HUNDRED AND SIX FUCKING MINUTE snoozer with like, total Doom (yes, the videogame) sequences mixed in. You’re basically better off watching or doing anything else.

55) Zodiac (2007) *: Entertaining enough serial killer whodunit. A little vapid, really. Not surprisingly, the only really good bit was when the zodiac killer was on camera in full garb hassling some picnickers at the lake. Other than that you might think you were watching an episode of CSI or something.

54) Society (1989) ***: Stone cold underrated KILLER. An affluent white male coming up in society learns the truth about his family and what really goes on beneath their yuppie veneer. There’s a thinly veiled, basically completely nude allegory at play here about disparities between classes and all that which some might see as heavy handed, but I wasn‘t offended. Of course what really makes the film work are the completely fantastic special effects courtesy of “Screaming Mad George” from the great NYHC band The Mad. The freaky orgy scene at the end is one of those grossout shockerz that’s gonna stay with me forever. Highly recommended.

53) Daughter of Darkness (1990) zilch: A “sensual” Vampire flick that I can’t really remember anything about.

52) Strange Behavior (1981) *: Don’t remember much about this film. Something about experiments. I think it kind of reminded me of Brain Dead, but don’t quote me on that. It’s a “paced” Australian flick.

51) The Forsaken horror (2001) *: Millennial schlock, but with enough nudity and vampires to make you overlook…Well, keep looking at, at least, the general crapiness of the flick. I heard it was called “Desert Vampires” in Australia. They should have gone with that here too, ‘cause it’s a way cooler title.