2007 part 7

50) Frailty (2001) *: Okay, so this totally typical “TWIST” oriented flick would have earned a zilch, but at the very end the chick who played Robin in Gigli has a cameo, and therefore this movie is good.

49) Modern Vampires (1998) **: Not quite sure what they were going for with this. At base, it’s a typical straight to video late 90’s schlockfest, but there’s just so much over the top absurdity at play that it borders on horror comedy, but I’m not too sure it’s intentional. Please believe there’s a scene where a bunch of brothers “have relations” with this vampire chick and “Dr. Van Helsing” delivers one of the most ridiculous lines ever delivered on film: (in a forced German accent): “God forgeef zeez Negroes, for zey know not vhat zey doo.” Between that and like, every minute of this film you’ll be too perplexed to turn away. This is another one that could be a zilch just as easy as it could be four stars, so here you get a compromise.

48) Satan’s Princess (1990) N/A: Pretty straight up “erotic horror” flick. I can tell because I remember NOTHING about the film other than the fact that it has boobs

47) The Witching (1993) **: IMDB says this is from ’93, but I basically don’t believe it. The whole premise—a town where adults just get together and swing without the burden of children—is just so ‘70’s. Lots of Satanic rituals and nudity too. And of course Orson Welles as a freakin’ cult leader. Cool flick.

46) Embrace the Vampire (1995) *: Alyssa Milano’s titties (that I don’t even care about, really). Some other stuff too. Vaguely watchable. Whatever.

45) The House on the Edge of the Park (1980) **: Man, SUPER fucked up flick revolving around an “average joe” and his retarded bro getting invited to some hoity toity party and proceed to rape all the women and fuck up all the dudes with only a straight razor as a weapon. Yes, this is morally repugnant trash, but goddamn, I defy you to find trash that’s this up front and WHOLLY non-redeeming while still being thoroughly engrossing to watch. This one’s definitely not for the easily offended, but if you like a film to “take you” to a kind of unpleasant place, this is what you’re looking for.

44) Brain Dead () **: Paxton and Pullman together at last! This is actually a really decent futuristic surreal 90’s number about a neurosurgeon trying to pump some info from the mind of a brilliant scientist who’s locked up in a loony bin. The plot gets a bit convoluted at times as the flick slips into more psychological territory, but you won’t get too lost. Alright, I’ll come out and say it: there’s some heavy shades of Cronenberg, and if you haven’t figured out at this point, that’ll get me every time

43) Stage Fright (1987) *: Slow and limp slasher about a troupe of actors stuck in a playhouse overnight who get picked off one by one (how else would they go, really?) by some fruit in an owl costume? Okay, you’ll be able to make your way through this, but probably shouldn’t waste your time.

42) Deranged (1987) **: I generally use the word “claustrophobic” as a pejorative to describe films with one or few locations that contribute to a movie’s tedium (see: every Alien clone ever), but using the woman’s apartment as the film’s sole location really drives home the woman’s isolation as she goes stir crazy. Some convincing hallucinations and the realization about an hour into the film that they’re really not gonna leave the apartment setting for the whole movie makes for a unique viewing experience indeed. All and all this is a pretty great watch.

41) Though Shalt Not Swear (1993) *: Entertaining enough Chinese psychological thriller that has a bit of comedy and some charm. Like I said, it’s pretty entertaining, but nothing that’ll change your life, or even stick out too much.

40) Return to Horror High (1987) **: The story is being told as a flashback of someone who was on the set making a movie about a bunch of killings that happened at a high school years earlier. But this movie isn’t about those killings, ‘cause while making a movie about the killings, someone starts killing the cast, so the movie is really about you hearing about the movie being made about the killings years earlier, and the killings that took place while making said movie. Now someone make a mockumentary about the whole affair just so we can have something even more convoluted. Oh yeah, and George Clooney’s in it. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a tongue in cheek satire of a slasher or what, but either way this’ll keep you in your seat and pass for entertainment.

39) New York Ripper (1982) See review elsewhere. What a difference a good cut makes. I definitely did not like this film upon first watching a cut up 80’s release. Now it’s a favorite.

38) Rockula (1990) zilch: Okay, basically this defies classification as far as mind numbing stupidity goes. I mean, picking on “vampire comedies” is a fool’s game, but damn, what an epic in retardation. “Are you the DJ? No, I’m the vampire!”
37 ) Daughters of Darkness (1971) ***: Lush and beautiful European vampire flick with a classic high cheekbone femme fatale and lots of erotic imagery, gothic melodrama and atmosphere. Plot goes, a newlywed couple shows up at a hotel and the only other guests are the aforementioned luxurious countess and her young female companion. That’s all secondary, because the main attraction here is the sensual cinematic technique. This is the kind of movie that sucks you right in and is just a pleasure to look at frame to frame.

36) Near Dark (1987) 36) Near Dark (1987) zilch: Painful “not your father’s vampire movie” vampire movie about some totally radical edgy teens that was obviously just put out to compete with the superior (but still not good from a horror perspective) Lost Boys that came out the same year. Way too “young adult” (not teen) and way too “cool” for a vampire flick, but if Urban Legends is your idea of a good time, then by all means, get in touch with your roots. This also has that freaking little kid from River’s Edge in it., who happens to be one of the most painful people to look at ever.

35) The Others (2001) *: Yes, you could legitimately call this a “post-Shyamalan” big budget number that hinges itself on a “twist,” but whatever, it’s alright to watch once, I guess.

34) Carnival of Souls (1962) **: Really strong atmospheric black and white flick that may just as well be a Euro art house picture. Can’t say I remember much about the plot, but this is another one of those flicks where every frame is just great to look at.

33) Bride of Reanimator (1990) *: Pretty ridiculous and borderline campy mad scientist type flick. Hmmm, maybe Evil Dead 2 meets Dead Alive? If that’s your kind of thing, here it is. Me? Eh, I like my horror straight up.

32) At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul (1964) ****: This is the first of the proper Coffin Joe films, and there was a time when I considered it “slow” (hindered by the lack of totally bizarre color sequences), but time has shown me otherwise, and this is perhaps the most straight up diabolical you see Coffin Joe. The philosophy kind of takes a back seat to our man just cruelly terrorizing this little village. It gets to the point where you almost feel bad for everyone, but no, they should feel honored to be kicked and maimed by one of the screens greatest villains. Oh, and the sacrilege is just over the top! I could probably watch the scene where Xe eats the meat on good Friday while watching the procession go by outside his window and just laughing maniacally probably all day long. Yep, this is the work of a true genius, and holds up to whatever scrutiny you want to put on it.

31) Demon of Paradise (1987) zilch: Generic “don’t go in the water” type flick. I blame Jaws for all of these.

30 ) Don’t Go In the House (1980) **: Wow, this one should move even the most jaded gorehound. There’s a guy whose mom was kind of a dick, so now the kid has a fucked up attitude towards women. So what, he’s uncomfortable with women in positions of authority and has trouble sustaining long lasting relationships? Well, more like he strips them down and chains them from the ceiling and sets them on fire. Yeah. The mental breakdown of the character throughout the film is handled very well (showing him slipping at work, the flashbacks of his abusive mother and all that), and the film does a good job with the “average Joe on the street could be a deranged killer” motif., and the film has an overall raw grittiness. Good stuff for fans of Driller Killer and the like.

29) Plague of the Zombies (1966) *: Hammer zombie film. ‘Nuff said? Maybe not, but that’s all I can remember, so that’s all you get.

28) Night Visitor (1989) *: So Shannon Tweed’s in this, and she plays a hooker, but she DOESN’T get naked. That alone is worth the price of admission, but there’s also some adequate Satanic slashery, but not nearly enough to make putting up with this annoying teenager for 90 minutes.

27) Amityville Curse (1990) zilch: a lot of these Amityville flicks kind of blur together, but none of them leave me feeling like I’ve spent my time doing anything reasonable.

26) Amityville (1989) *: Stupid flick about a house that gets invaded by an evil spirit by an unsuspecting lamp purchased at a garage sale. Yes, a freaking evil lamp. There’s also this “kid” who looks like, 30. Worth watching in an odd way.

25) Rabid (1977) **: Kind of a step down from Shivers, in my opinion, and not nearly as ambitious or surreal as something like Videodrome, but our boy still gives us some genuine creep outs by way of a bizarre armpit tentacle.

24) It’s Alive III (1987) **: I’m not really a Cohen Brothers dicksucker, but this is a dope flick right here, way better than Q The Winged Serpent and many of their other exploitation flicks. I mean, the guy Larry hit friggin’ pay dirt with Michael Moriarty, as the guy essentially makes a fairly faceless low budget number like this completely engrossing. Quite an entertaining number, for sure.

23) Wicked (1987) zilch: Okay, I’ll give you this flick’s alternate title was “Outback Vampires” and the end has both a vampire AND an explosion, but man, there’s a bunch of bullshit you have to sit through in this Australian vampire flick. I dunno, if you really wanna see a bunch of Crocodile Dundees and some beat looking “sheilas” spend the night at a vampire’s mansion after their car breaks down (sigh), then by all means, have at it…

22) The Shining (1980) ***: What can be said of this movie that hasn’t been said already? It’s THEE haunted house/psychological thriller, and it holds up to all the hype. This is a good once a year flick, no doubt.

21) Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) *: I can’t remember anything too offensive about this modern number, but I can’t remember anything too noteworthy either.

20) Sisters (1973) n/a: I remember not a thing. Maybe I fell asleep during It? I dunno, give me a break…

19) The Village (2004) something worse than zilch: Okay, I’ll admit it, I have this fucked up obsession with this guy’s movies. They’re basically the worst films ever made. I don’t mean that as hyperbole, like, I watch a lot of shot on video amateur garbage, movies which it took maybe a day to make from the first shot to the final edit, and I can say those movies are honestly more enjoyable that anything this fucking asshole has made, especially if you take the begrudgingly competent Sixth Sense and Unbreakable out of the picture. I’m gonna write a book about how shitty the guy’s movies are one day (I have read the book about the making of Lady in the Water, after all), so I can’t devote too much time to the subject, but give this one or Lady in the Water or Signs a crack some time. Like my man Danzig says, “You think you know pain? You know nothing!” Oh, and he also might be one of the genuinely worst celebrity personalities out, too.

18) Hide and Seek (2005) zilch: Dakota really steals the show in this totally not shitty at all pulse pounding psychological thriller! “Come out, come out wherever you are!” Man, I was on a roll last year, huh?

17) Coffin Joe: Awakening of the Beast (1970) ****: Here’s Marins at his most blatantly psychedelic. The way he blends himself the director in with the Coffin Joe character is pure genius. There’s nothing out there like these movies, and that’s not just an expression, that’s just an unfortunate reality of our existence.

16) Strangeland (1998) zilch: This used to be a favorite of me and my buddies to goof on. Completely laughable numetal soundtrack and a hopelessly forced performance from Dee Snyder that can only be described as “ugh.” If you want your life to be more miserable, here’s the key to the kingdom my friend.

15) The Company of Wolves (1984) *: This is a horror reworking of little red riding hood with some actually interesting werewolf metamorphosis effects similar to the howling. The premise is just as off putting as you’d expect, though, and the movie’s generally a snooze.

14) Susperia () n/a: I’ve never been able to stay focused the entire way through with this film. There’s some really cool scenes, but I need to really sit down and focus one day in order to fully take it in.

13) House of 1000 Corpses (2003) zilch: I’m truly repulsed whenever I hear anyone not hate this bullshit. This is the epitome of what’s wrong with modern horror: instant gratification, forced dialogue, mindless, and perhaps more offensively inauthentic throwbacks to “classic” (always 80’s) horror that tries to rewrite old slashers as these T&A soaked barrages of splatter, when really there was a lot of down time in most of those movies which was often used to create stuff like “atmosphere” or “characters you don’t want to fucking strangle every second they‘re on screen.” Okay, congratulations, you broke away from the Scream formula, but your shit’s not really gruesome or brutal or anything, it’s just tacky, any anyone with half a brain can see right through that shit. Of course if I never read the internet and just watched this film in a vacuum I would never guess anyone ever gave a film this flat out ANNOYING the time of day, but I read enough “eh, not that bad” comments that just drive me bonkers.

12) Pans Labrynth (2007) **: Alright, it’s a fantasy flick and not a horror movie, but that part where they have to amputate the leg is legit wince worthy (without actually showing anything, classy move), but I saw it and liked it so I thought I’d throw it on here, why not.

11) This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse (1967) ****: This is a fine, fine film to start out your Coffin Joe obsession. Well, it worked for me, at least. Here you get a hint of Coffin Joe’s philosophy and his quest to mate with “the perfect woman” who will of course give birth to his perfect son who will rule the world. Really though, this is a surreal feast highlighting Marins fantastic technique and taste for the diabolical. I’ll say just about every minute I watch this flick I’m literally thinking “man, this is SO cool.” These were by far the coolest flicks I saw all year. Hell, I’ll go as far as to say the greatest thing to happen to me all year.

10) Devil’s Plaything (1973) n/a: Yes, I just got this German T&A fest because of the Danzig song of the same name, and no, I can’t remember a thing about it. I’ll watch it again sometime, though.

9) Hellraiser (1987) ***: Why they didn’t go with the Sadomasochists from Beyond the Grave title is beyond me, but I’ve always REALLY REALLY liked this flick. I love how the whole thing’s wrapped up in the end so it plays kind of like an old EC story. The special effects are of course beyond great, and the mystery of the Cenobites is completely intriguing (an intrigue which would be raped to oblivion by the worthless sequels), and even though I watched this way too much as a teenager, I honestly think it holds its own on the pantheon of horror.

8) Secorcist (1974) n/a: must rewatch

7) Toolbox Murders (1978) **: Thoroughly entertaining sleazy slasher revolving around a handyman who picks off sinners in an apartment complex. As someone who’s spent a good portion of his life in horrifically shitty apartment complexes, lemme tell you, RIGHT ON.

6) Shadow of the Vampire (2000) **: Hey, an actually entertaining and classy vampire movie based around what REALLY happened on the set of Nosferatu back in the 30’s. It’s a straight forward “real movie,” and I gotta say, it works. I was talking about the actual movie Nosferatu with my mom once and she was like “I saw this thing once about how the actor who played Nosferatu really thought he was a vampire and wouldn’t get

5. TX Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986) *: Kind of cartoonish take on TX Chainsaw Massacre that totally betrays the original’s atmosphere for the sake of conforming to 80’s slasher cliché. Pass.

4. Zombie (1979) n/a: I remember really not liking this movie, but after seeing the uncut NY Ripper, I’ve decided to review my opinion on Fulci films.

3. The Howling (1981) **: VERY cool special effects. Glenn Danzig said in his Thrasher interview that this is the most accurate portrayal of how werewolves REALLY are on film. Are you gonna question the man?

2. Mark of the Devil (1970) **: Decent witch hunt period piece from Germany. Basically just an excuse to show women getting tortured (no complaints), but it’s also not as extreme as you’d imagine, and there was an iota of effort put into the costumes. No Conquerer Worm, obviously, but I’m a fan of the style.

1. Amityville Horror (2005) zilch: Shirtless guy who kind of looks like Dane Cook (there’s at least 3 of those active right now) chops wood shirtless for 90 minutes.