Febuary through June 2008

30) Phantasm (1979) ***: You know I never gave this flick a shot until now? I guess it was seeing the video store shelves cluttered with sequels that for whatever reason put me off, but man, this one’s a scorcher! Basically there’s a mortician reviving the dead and putting them up to no good, but they kick it up a notch when they reveal the mortician guy’s motives. THE scene with the crazy ball thing is an incredibly sophisticated kill scene, especially for ‘79, and I was just really caught off guard by how overall engrossing and competent this flick is. I don’t know if Phantasm’s underrated or I’m retarded for not paying more attention, but I’ll be taking this one for another spin real soon.

31) Sleepaway Camp (1983) ***: Here’s a cult classic that really lives up to its status, and if the last scene is all you can remember about his one, you’re definitely due for a refreshment viewing. I never really noticed the weirdo sexual overtones and puberty theme at play, probably because the last time I saw this I was in the throes of puberty myself, but that stuff adds a great element to an already competent slasher. Pure entertainment.

32) Crazy Fat Ethyl: Criminally Insane 2 (1987) zilch: I’ll admit that I’m at times a little too lenient with these shot on video efforts, but man, even I can’t hang with this number. Granted, there are plenty of cringe worthy bursts of ineptitude, but the problem here lies in the splicing of the SOV footage from ’87 with hefty doses (like, probably 1/3 of the film’s running time) of the ‘75 original. I guess it does sort of have a punishingly incoherent, borderline surreal quality to it, but the film’s still probably closer to tedious than anything you’d want to watch.

33) Tales from the Crypt (1972) *: British anthology number revolving around a group of people in a weird purgatory type situation sitting around hearing the story of how they got theirs. That may or may not have been a “spoiler,” but whatever, as usual the pleasures from these movies come more from the twists of the individual chapters than the main plot. I’ll admit I kinda spaced out during large chunks of this flick, as I’m wont to do during these straight Brit horror numbers, but the razorblade lined tight hallway scene had me wincing for sure.

34) Skinned Alive (1989) *: Here’s a shot on video zilch budget slasher that relies heavily on a quasi-incestuous serial killing family who insist on delivering a barrage of FULL VOLUME DIALOGUE AT ALL TIMES that would make you think Rob Zombie was at the helm…You know, if the movie was like, way gayer. There’re some lines that are full blown SCORCHERS, though, just total jaw dropping what the fuck moments, and the death scenes are about what you’d expect from an SOV flick. Nothing worth hunting down, really, but I might watch this again at some point.

35) Frozen Scream (1975) *: I watched this a few weeks before getting Nightmare USA, a killer read that suggests, in part, you should treat this movie as a piece of psychedelic surrealism, as if the film portrays an alternate world where people REALLY ACT like this, and sort of look past all the “mad scientist freezing people and turning them into zombies” junk…Well, I guess I’ll accept your challenge somewhere down the line Stephen Thrower, because on first viewing this flick’s fairly typical drive-in fair with an ill shoestring ambient soundtrack that’s just a smidge too lite on the blood n’ tits to particularly move me. I’m willing to give it another shot though, but only because homeboy put the challenge out there.

36) Cemetary Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) ***: Wow, here’s a thoroughly enjoyable stylistic horror flick with lots of intriguing characters and surreal passages to keep the viewer enthralled start to finish. I’m usually quick to dismiss the more stylistic flicks, as the bells and whistles tend to lose their charm over time when the style outweighs the substance, but I’m gonna jump the gun and give this one an enthusiastic three stars with hopes this film turns out to be more of an Evil Dead (a stylistic horror film that holds up to multiple viewings through the years) than a From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (which does not).

37) Love Butcher (1975) **: At this point I’m used to, and essentially anticipate inept acting, special effects, dialogue, but this is one of those rare films where the jaw dropping moments come more by way of basic story arch issues than any justifiable budget constraint. If you’re reading this write up, you already know I’m not a stickler for cinematic rules, but I just couldn’t believe the twist this flick’s story took. I mean, the premise is fairly standard, you have this killer with a split personality: by day he’s a mistreated physically and mentally crippled gardener, and by night he assumes the role of accent feigning playboy who seduces then kills the same housewives who browbeat his gardener persona with various implements. SPOILER ALERT (REALLY): They spend a considerable chunk of the film developing the relationship between the journalist who’s “hot on the case” of this sadistic killer and his under attended fiancée. It’s your basic “you stay out of the way, reporter, this is police business” stuff. But then with about 20 minutes left on the clock when the journalist guy realizes not only who the killer is, but that he’s in the house with his fiancé, as the journalist rushes over to save her, he’s intercepted by the killer, and boom, dead. So you’re like, okay, it’s up to the wife to off this guy now, a revenge sort of thing, right? Nope, killer just offs the fiancé just the same. The killer walks away, gets hassled by the cops on the way home, gets out of THAT even…I really can’t tell watching this if the script goes this route to paint this bleak world that doesn’t bend to convention where the good guys win, or if the writer really just doesn’t know how stories are “supposed” to work. Like I said, every other part in the movie is purely conventional borderline hokum, so I don’t know, I’m leaving this one to you, but overall this is really enjoyable drive-in faire with enough carnage and skin to keep it on the right side of camp, even though there is a fill of hamming it up via the killer’s yokel gardener character.

38) Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (2000) zilch: Okay, yes this is a digital handheld camera shot nightmare with the most inane, dragged out scenes, lots of downtime, painfully bad execution on just about every level, but…Well, but nothing, that about sums it up, I guess. But I will say once that direct market delirium kicks in and your mind wanders from the movie and you’re just asking the hows and whys about the motivation of making this movie, and the private lives of everyone involved, it’s a great disorienting effect. Essentially what you have here is a bunch of 20 something Jerseyites spending their weekend making a zilch budget tactless exploitation film based on the Columbine shootings. I would LOVE to read the script for this nightmare, but I kind of refuse to believe there was one. All the “bad movie” staples are present, so going into the details of the unbelievable high school faculty, the absurdly forced “message” moments, and all the ridiculous caricatures of high school archetypes would just be tedious, but I’d be doing a great disservice to my readership if I didn’t take some time for my newest cinematic hero, KENDALL WARD. He’s been in all of one movie, and this is it, but man is it a doosie. His delivery of “The internet is for white folks. I don’t own a personal computer, nor do I care to own one” in “internet class” (the only class the students of Carbine High attend) is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Every moment this guy’s on screen is cinematic gold, and yes, actually makes watching this terrible, terrible movie worthwhile. To my surprise I actually saw a copy of this on DVD just sitting there in Fry’s. What the hell, there CAN’T be demand for this can there? The video I have doesn’t even have a fucking UPC code. But as easy as it is to dis it, I’m really glad movies like this exist. Talk as much about “underground” or “cult” cinema all you want, but without complete trash like this, without inept outsiders just fucking around with cameras, there is no underground or alternative to mainstream Hollywood worth talking about.

39) Brain Damage (1988) **: Cool late 80’s pscyhedelic horror flick which for all intents and purposes could be considered the true sequel to Basket Case. The seedy NY vibe of Basketcase is still in tact, as are the budget effects that stay just this side of camp. Plotwise you got this weird turdlike-brain-worm-thing, an “Aylmer,” that attaches to the protagonist’s neck and shoots him up with this fluid that puts the guy in an drugged state which effectively makes the dude a slave the the “Aylmer.” The Aylmer has the guy make him cakes and flip records for him all day…Oh no wait, that’s what I’d do with a slave, the Aylmer makes the guy do his dirty work and off various social miscreants. Really basic story, but the cheapo drug trip effects and grimy atmosphere make it work.

40) Halucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978) **: In this flick a man’s being driven mad by the images from various Coffin Joe films. Marins (who plays Coffin Joe) comes to console the man that Coffin Joe is just a myth, which seems to work…At first. Basically this is a re-editing of all the more over-the-top moments of Marins other movies put together as lengthy “delirium” montages. These are all great scenes, and a great concept, but it’s a bit tedious to sit through. It’s still a Coffin Joe flick though, which makes it worth seeing.

41) Women’s Club (1986) *: Some gals get fed up with all the rape going on in their town and decide to do something about it! So what do they do? Chop off some rapist dong, what else? Not as visceral as one of these flicks should be, this one’s probably more suited for the Lifetime channel than the grind house.

42) Creepshow 2 (1987) *: Pretty timid horror anthology, you all know the names of those involved, but I’ve had a soft spot for “The Raft” since I was a youngin.’ The other two stories are a bit tedious and corny, but I dunno, something about being stuck in the middle of the lake with a floating, gelatinous black mass, it works.

43) Castle Freak (1995) *: Don’t remember much of this one. A couple from The America travel to Euroland to check out a castle they inherited. This freaky mutant in the basement starts kills a prostitute the guy brought home, which leads to trouble with local law enforcement. This is a Full Moon jam, but it’s also done by the guy who did Reanimator, From Beyond and, uh, Robot Jox, so expect some decent gore scenes if nothing else…And no, there’s not much else.

44) Alien (1979) **: My girlfriend never saw this, which is more surprising to me than offensive, and I hadn’t seen the movie in years, so why not. This one’s a classic and all, but for whatever reason never really clicked with me in a major way. Not a bad movie by any means, just not one of those big time movies I can go as gah gah for as everyone says I should.

45) Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) *: I think I saw the 75 minute version of this, ‘cause this went by WAY quick. Not a bad thing either, especially for this sort of flick. And what type of flick would that be? Your standard Bangles-esque all girl rock group chased around by a drillguitar-wielding Andrew Dice Clay lookalike slasher. Yeah, as the title suggests, this is basically mindless fun. Not much that’ll stick with you (judging by the cut version, at least), but not a bad way to kill some time, either.

46) Kill, Baby, Kill (1966) **: Okay, I’ve watched this twice and CAN NOT make sense of the plot. Like, not even a skeletal outline. Great ambiance and visuals though, as one might expect from our man Bava.

47) I Dismember Mama (1974) ***: REALLY great flick about a kid on the run from the loony bin who has a real against ANY woman who’s had sex EVER and isn’t afraid to slash his problems away. He befriends a little girl along the way, and the movie sort of becomes the story of how this deranged killer can form a relationship with this innocent girl. If you’re into exploitation think pieces in disguise like The Mafu Cage or Poor Pretty Eddy, you’ll dig this one. I know I’ll definitely be watching a lot more of this this year.

48) Splatter University (1984) zilch: Pretty tedious Troma faire here. No skin and ho-hum slashings leave the viewer paying more attention to how cool these Jersey goombas dressed back in the day than anything else. The film does have a good look to it, to the point where I’d believe it was made 10 years earlier, but rest assured, this is basically a really boring movie.

49) Slugs (1988) *: Not bad stuff here. You got your standard “mutant
[fill in the blank] start killing people because of greedy corporate pollution.” This time around, as you might have guess, the [blank] are slugs, which leads to some pretty far fetched (but nonetheless competent and grizzly) death scenes, and a grand finale that’s logistically absurd. I mean, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for exactly how good these kind of movies can be, and I would even say Slugs reaches it, but I got through the flick without being too bored, which is no small feat when you’re talking a movie based around MUTANT SLUGS.

50) 555 (1988) **: Really grizzly, ugly no budget SOV slasher. This one kept my attention, probably due in part to EVERY woman who’s on screen for even a second getting nude, whether you want her to or not. This is the kind of movie that embraces the ugly, mean spirited nature of its genre and does nothing to make it easy for the viewer to digest. It’s completely mindless, of course, but since when do I have a problem with that?

51) Final Exam (1981) *: I forget the specifics with this one plot-wise, but basically there’s some dude picking off students on campus, for I’m pretty sure no reason whatsoever. Obviously there’s a general mindlessness that goes on with this sort of thing, but I seriously think there’s NO reason behind the killings in this. The characters are surprisingly convincing/entertaining for this type of flick, and there’s tons of straight up homoerotic stuff going on courtesy of “Wild Man,” the muscle headed frat boy. The slashin’ and stabbin’ doesn’t get too out of control, so gore hounds might wanna sit this one out, but if you’re not opposed to the more teen side of horror, or can’t decide between a slasher or cheesy 80’s college comedy and want to split the difference, this just might be the flick for you.

52) Don’t Answer the Phone (1980) **: Another REALLY ugly misogynist slasher filled with rape and women in peril. This one has a pretty intriguing killer, just a really physically imposing figure with some sort of religious issues, I forget what exactly. Sort of a Don’t Go In The Door vibe, and no I’m not just saying that because of the similar titles, but in the way both films profile a killer, but make his killings so grotesque that even though you kind of understand he’s a damaged person, you still can’t identify, romanticize or excuse his actions. Really effective stuff.

53) Schock (1977) **: One of, if not the last Bava flicks, I forget. This is a fucking SCORCHER of a haunted house flick, and you know I don’t usually go for that sort of thing, so hats off to Bava for making a bunch of objects moving by themselves for 90 minutes actually interesting. I’m not one to get legitimately spooked, but one of these scenes, you can probably guess which one it is, had me legitimately scared to walk around the house by myself in the dark. Plenty of slow parts, which kind of goes with this type of flick, but when it hits, it hits hard. Bava goin’ out with a bang.
54) The Stuff (1985) *: Cohen and Moriarty, you know what you’re in for. Lots of corporate America satire, but this guy’s flicks are usually meant to be “fun,” not blood feasts anyways. Not the kind of flick that gets me off, really, but I’ll admit it’s pretty entertaining.

55) Motel Hell (1980) *: This is a pretty decent entry into the rural creep genre. You got this farmer guy whose meats are known county wide as being the best. Y’know, just once I’d like to see one of these movies where the meat’s really good because of the quality of cattle and craft of the butcher, but no, we all know there’s gotta be some sort of scoundlery involved here, and sure enough, Farmer Vincent is snatchin’ unsuspecting motorists and buryin’ ‘em neck deep in some sort of soil while hypnotizing them (for some reason) and eventually using them for his special meats. The real story kicks in when Farmer Vincent gets the hots for some young gal, who oddly enough, reciprocates, and his big girl sister starts getting all protective. There are a few scenes with the buried heads to remind you that that’s what the movie’s about, but basically you’re trying to figure out what’s going on between the brother and sister, the young girl, and the sheriff. It’s a love story, really. Overall, not a bad flick, they stay on the right side of campy and all the head scratching moments that come up when you’re wondering exactly where they were going with this flick are balanced out with pretty straight horror scenes (I mean, dude in pig mask going after a guy with a chainsaw, that’s a pretty strong “center”), so yeah, definitely worth a watch.

56) Dominique (1978) zilch: Here’s a paced, gothic horror number from across the pond. A dude with money is getting haunted by his wife. Some cool effects, and a nice twist, but this ain’t exactly flipping the script on British horror. In fact, this is pretty fucking boring. I don’t know, I might rate it higher if I was in a different mood, but I could live without seeing this one again.

57) The Man With Two Heads (1972) zilch: Seriously painful and boring Andy Milligan Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde retelling. This one sticks to the 30’s Paramount version, which just makes this that much more painful as you’re recalling what a great movie that other one is in comparison. And to make matters worse, there’s not even any sleaze to compensate for the lack of polish. Yeah, Hammer style period pieces are a rough genre to fail at. Big pass on this one.

58) Kolobos (1999) zilch: Those who know me know I have no problem wading in the late 90’s direct market trash heap, but man, this is just retarded. Okay, there’s a group of people who think they’re being randomly selected to participate in some sort of Real World type TV show where everything in this posh apartment is under camera surveillance. You got all these obnoxious archetypes, like the outgoing actress, the aspiring standup comic, and this “damaged” chick who’s always drawing these not-really-fucked-up drawings in her sketchbook that everyone exaggerates as being super gory and fucked up. That chick has some sort of connection to the killer who’s behind the cameras and starts picking everyone off. God, just explaining that plot was tedious, imagine sitting through this thing? Big shock, no one involved in the making of this flick went on to do much of anything else…and they all have really weird names. David Todd Ocvirk? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

59) Vampyre Femmes (1999) **: Now THIS is kind of direct market delirium I live for! Total non-actors caught impromptu on digital handheld camera interplayed with lengthy sub-sub-Cinemax softcore sex scenes that will put you to sleep long before they turn you on. Man, some of these lines are just ABSURD. The fat guy gets the award for best delivery, like, ever. Forget Troma, forget Full Moon, this is my kind of schlock right here.

60) Devil’s Rain (1973) **: Really cool Satanic cult shit here. The DVD says “the most shocking ending of any movie ever” or something like that, and I gotta say, it is indeed pretty freaking great. Ernest Borgnine classes up the joint and skin melting-a-plenty keeps things on the exploitation tip. Maybe a little too paced to be a party flick, but entertaining stuff for sure.

61) Creepy Crawlers (2000) zilch: Bad TV movie. Plays like a “monster of the week” X Files episode but without any characters. Really tedious to sit through. Oh yeah, and it’s about cockroaches doing cockroach things.

62) The Mafu Cage (1978) ***: Killer character study of these two sisters, one of whom has this Jungle obsession courtesy of her anthropologist old man. Her problem comes when she locks up and eventually kills the monkeys she keeps in her cage. Her sister, who’s repulsed by the behavior, obviously, is sick of providing her with the monkey supply, even though it’s about the only thing that pacifies her. While the sane sister’s out on vacation, crazy sister decides to step her game up and move on to humans. I’ve been trying to think of the “message” of this flick for awhile now, something about the thin line between man and animal, but I don’t quite have it yet. It’s a beautiful film to look at, though, and Carol Kane absolutely knocks it out of the park, and it’s basically her engaging character that makes this movie work, not that it’s particularly flawed otherwise, but it’s like Anthony Perkins in Psycho, just the perfect actor for the part who makes the movie “sizzle” as they say. Great, great, great flick.

63) The Mad Butcher (1971) *: Here’s one about a crazy butcher (yeah, who’da guessed?) who got released from an insane asylum just a little too early. His first matter of business was to reopen his butcher shop, but this time the meats would be the cheapest in town. Oh, but I wonder, how DOES he keep the prices so low? Yeah, you can kinda guess where this one goes. Not the best flick, but not the worst. There’s the inevitable parallels to The Corpse Grinders, both in theme and in general Mikels/Lewis American drive in movie feel…Except this one’s directed by GUIDO ZURLI and stars VICTOR BUONO, which makes it roughly the most Italian film ever made.

64) Legend of the Wolf woman (1976) **: Y’know, I’ve seen this flick twice now, a cut version and an uncut version, and I still can’t figure out whether I even like it or not. I mean, it’s a deranged film about a sexually obsessed woman who thinks she’s a werewolf since she’s the descendent of one, and the flick’s just filled to the brim with nudity, so they make it pretty easy to watch, no doubt, but it almost feels TOO easy. Like there’s not much substance beyond the sheer entertainment factor of sleazy exploitation. They even cram in a little rape/revenge bit towards the end just to cover their bases, which as I’ve said, definitely makes for a watchable film, and I wouldn’t call it bad by any means, but am I really that easy to please? Like you just throw in gratuitous bush shots and a stream of consciousness plotline and I’ll roll over for you? Well, maybe I am….Maybe I am…

65) The Attic (1980) **: Here’s a bizarre flick about an uptight, nutty librarian lady who’s under the thumb of her authoritative father and gets progressively crazier as the film goes on, but you’ll be worried more about the mental stability of the film makers than our librarian loonie. You get all these day dream sequences involving the librarian killing her elderly dad, and what can I say, at one point a monkey’s eating a hundred dollar bill for no reason. Totally backwards storyline, too, so by the time you actually get to THE CHILLING CLIMAX in THE ATTIC you’re just like “wait, didn’t the big part already happen?” It’s a great trip, and has that brilliant delirium that only the best bad movies can bring.

66) Return of the Aliens: Deadly Spawn (1983) **: Ooooh, this is a real good one! I think what really took me back was that I didn’t really expect much. I dunno, home strewn alien yarns usually don’t do it for me, especially when you get into the 80’s, but this is just a perfect horror/sci-fi hybrid, one of the rare instances when the two genres work together in interesting ways instead of detracting from each other. More or less you got this giant alien in a basement of a regular American family who tries to bum out everyone’s Sunday afternoon. There are some genuinely chilling scenes (the kid standing silently in the basement with the alien), good characterization (a kid in a horror movie that doesn’t make you want to kick in your TV set? Pinch me!), and a great independent vibe with surprisingly sophisticated special effects. Yep, this one has everything working against it, as I usually hate these claustrophobic settings and it’s rare I enjoy an alien picture, but it works I tell ya, it works! Highly recommended.

67) Murder By Phone (1982) *: Kind of mainstream number that does its fair share of dragging. Here you got a guy with a device that can murder people…through the telephone. Nothing too gory, usually it just amounts to picking up the phone, some head spasms, some smoke coming off the caller and an explosion. Pretty tame, and they put the best death up front, so you can stop watching after the first few minutes, which is courteous, I guess. I like how the crux of this movie is the greedy and corrupt PHONE COMPANY. Not the first people who come to mind when I think “archetypal sinister movie corporation,” but hey, why not.

68) The Mangler (1995) zilch
69) The Mangler 2 (2001) **: Okay, save yourself some time and skip The Mangler. It’s just one of those glossy, non-descript flicks that relies heavily on the “HORROR LEGEND” status of Tobe Hooper and Robert Englund, based on a Stephen King story. Of course any horror fan knows those are some pretty sure fire names to avoid, especially if the film’s smack dab in the middle of the 90’s. It has something to do with an old timey factory machine that’s possessed by the devil and kills people, blah, blah, blah (can we take a moment to appreciate what a by the numbers Stephen King plot that is? Like I said, normal thing gone evil, that’s every other story the guy’s ever wrote. Anyways…), and so logically Mangler 2 continues the story of this evil piece of factory equipment right? WRONG! It’s 2001 baby, you’re in HACKER country now! Seriously, if you’re like me and love watching mid-90’s flicks that are filled with outdated computer jargon and buzzwords like “hacking,” “VR” and “cyberspace,” then my friend, Mangler 2 is the movie for you! Like, I guess these kids get stuck in a high school overnight and try to infect the computer run security system with “The Mangler Virus,” but the virus ends up turning EVERY appliance evil, even washing machines and shit that has nothing to do with computers, and the whole school’s out to kill the kids. There are SOOOOO many retarded moments in this, even in 2001 it must have come off as painfully out of date with all the “hacker” business and bad goth girl caricatures. Seriously, there’s one point where the kids are trying to figure out what to do and this guy just goes “THE MAINFRAME,” for basically no reason at all. Fucking gold! I’m tellin’ ya, you gotta watch these modern direct market disasters, they’re a great source for brain dead cinema.

70) Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985) **: C’mon, who can’t get down with a movie like this? A ship crashes and the passengers get shipwrecked on a remote island…An island of BEAST CREATURES! What are beast creatures, you ask? Basically 12” dolls with long, moppy hair, and minimal articulation that the castaways lift to their necks and shake around to simulate the bloodthirsty brutality of these island natives. Yes, these are really REALLY low budget special effects, and you never quite get over it, but the best creatures are SO minimal that it’s hard to fault the film makers. You basically just accept that the beast creatures are just abstracts, blank pages for you to fill in the terror of your choice. The non-existent budget and community theater acting makes for an irresistible and charming slice of exploitation. I don’t think she’s on DVD, but if you can secure yourself a copy, do it, ’cause it’s worth seeing at least once in your life.

71) The Child (1977) n/a: Saw this, but I don’t think I was paying attention. Not enough to say anything worthwhile anyways.

72) Tomie (1999) zilch: Generic “J-horror.” Seriously nothing worthwhile here. It’s not even obtrusively stylistic, just boring.

73) Futurekill (1985) **: Another one that’s pretty much impossible to not enjoy. You got frat boys that stumble onto “mutant” territory (they’re just nuclear war protestors of some sort…Except for one guy who really is a mutant) and spend the night in what basically translates into a Warriors ripoff as the frat boys try to get back home. You kind of get the sense that there’s about 3 movies crashed into one, but it all contributes to some good mindless entertainment. Oh, and the PAINFULLY obvious theme of “we’re not so different after all” gets officially ridiculous during the dialogue between a “mutant” girl and a “zod” (the mutants call the frat boys “zods” for some reason), when the frat boy goes “all you mutants are the same,” and the mutant responds with “all you zods are the same!” Total brain dead writing.

74) Deadtime Stories (1986) *: Pretty much worthless horror anthology based around “twisted‘ versions of old fairytales (ugh), but it’s not without its highlights. The Three Bears story has some pretty palatable moments of horror/comedy, and overall the film isn’t nearly as droning as you’d think it might be. Oh, except for the title sequence, that shit goes on for days. It doesn’t hurt that the accompany thing song is WRETCHED.

75) House of the Dead (2003) *: Well, it’s a videogame movie (one I‘ve never played, I should probably mention), so there’s kind of a glass ceiling on how good it can get. Still, you want corny rave scenes (in 2003? WTF?), some lite nudity and lots of zombies getting shot, along with scenes from the videogame itself spliced in for flavor? Well, here it is. I kind of have a hard time taking the time to even comment on watching this movie, but, y’know, it’s better than most mainstream modern horror, be they based on videogames or not.

76) Ghost Ship (2002) zilch: What the fuck am I doing with my life? Oh wait, I gotta give respect for the opening death scene in which everyone on the deck of the ship gets cut in half with a wire. Pretty brutal. You can stop watching after that.

77) To Die For 2 (1991) n/a: I think I was arguing while this movie was going on, so I didn’t catch what was going on. I doubt I missed much, though.

78) Nightwish (1989) *: College professor gets some students to go along with him to a supposedly haunted house and run some psychological experiment, but the doc flips the script with the help of his goon henchman and the college kids now gotta fight for their lives. There’s an attempt at the surreal where the viewer isn’t supposed to know what’s real and what’s fantasy, but you pretty much know how its gonna end well in advance. Not much to say with this one, it’s okay, but didn’t really leave an impression.

79) Watchers II (1990) zilch: Let it never be said I’m not willing to dig to the depths of the worst shit on the planet to find a fucked up/shitty movie. This was a failure, of course, but hey, they can’t all be Attack of the Beast Creatures or Mangler 2. There is an utterly hilarious scene where this monster (seriously, don’t ask me where that fits in, I might watch these movies but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna retain any information) trashes a convenience store and some Lassie as fuck moments with a super intelligent dog (yes, dog genius content).

80) Venus in Furs (1969) ****: Absolutely perfect haunting supernatural number. I’m of course heavily partial towards Franco’s film style, and like most people, I have to agree that it’s pretty impressive what the man can do when he takes his time. Not that I have problems with his rush jobs (I’m an unabashed Lust for Frankenstein fan), but a flick like this, which falls way closer to art house than erotic horror, has such a lasting effect. I had to watch this one a few times the same week just to get it out of my head, and it still hasn’t worked. I initially thought the film was way more surreal and impressionistic, but on repeat viewings it has a pretty basic plot: guy witnesses a girl get murdered in a fit of hedonistic passion, and the girl comes back to kill everyone involved, but just plagues the mind of the guy who witnesses. Pretty basic stuff, but Franco just uses it as a jumping off point. Lots of swank settings and a smokin’ jazz/psychedelic flavored soundtrack make for a perfectly decadent atmosphere. Did this one have a soundtrack? I’d buy it for the title theme alone. I really can’t recommend this enough, one of the best movies, horror or otherwise, I’ve seen all year.

81) Perversion (1979) **: Hmmm, I’m not quite sure how to take this one. I usually go ape for anything with Xe’s name attached to it, but this one left me kind of limp. On the surface you have a fairly standard revenge piece about a rich sadist who bites off a girl’s nipple, beats the rap in court, but still shows off the nipple around town. The girl’s reputation is shot, while the sadist lives it up. As with most of Marins films, the pleasure comes from the characterization of the villain and exactly how far Marins lets him(self) get away with. This time around instead of the cruel and philosophical Coffin Joe we get a brutish, upper class neuvo-rich type, who the viewer despises for his garishness as much as one fears Coffin Joe’s maliciousness. Marin’s antagonist sneers at the women who are still attracted to him because of his wealth, despite his bloated stomach, which he runs his hands over to accentuate. The result is an effective and biting portrait of class, sexism and injustice in Brazilian society, but I think Perversion’s melodramatic, flat characterization approach is best suited for the “good vs. evil” theme of Marin’s Coffin Joe films, while the bargain basement psychedelic and avant garde techniques of his 60’s films are sorely missed here. Not a bad film by any means, but it definitely drags at times and is nowhere near the demented genius of Marins’ more celebrated works.

82) Yeti (1977) **: Here’s a real shoestring budget abominable snowman flick about a prehistoric giant thawed out and brought to the bourgeoning metropolis that is…TORONTO! Those adverse to b-movie cheese had better stay away, but if a rampaging frost giant (with a soft spot for children) and blue screen-a-plenty sounds like time well spent to you, then you could do worse than this disaster.

83) The Hand (1981) **: Not a bad thriller here, kind of “adult,” but there’s a cool, claustrophobic, Jack Nicholson in The Shinning feel, and it’s a very engaging film. As for the plot, a cartoonist loses his drawing hand in a driving accident around the same time his wife leaves him, and it’s a fairly standard “downward spiral of dementia” from there as he blacks out, drinks more, and becomes more isolated from the world. There’re some interesting enough auxiliary characters, and like I said, this is an overall very watchable movie for all its lack of raw, exploitative elements, so if you need a break from slashers and schlock, this might serve as a nice palate cleanser.

84) The Demons (1972) **: Can’t say this one left much of an impression on me. I mean, it’s Franco, it’s “nunsploitation,” but really, that IS all that need be said, because it’s exactly what you’d expect his take on the micro-sub-genre to be. I don’t know, I think I need to watch this one again, because this just felt pretty rote to me.

85) The Being () *: Tame, but watchable low budget sci-fi deal with enough blood to appeal to horror sensibilities. A few jaw dropingly shitty moments, such as the alien ripping a guy’s head off while driving in an abysmally dark car (don’t worry, you see the head back on a few frames before the car crashes), and a few great yokels here and there, but an alien who never shows more than hands and a closeup of his face ever now and then isn’t an alien you really need to devote too much time to. Lite American exploitation, worth a watch, but nothing you should go out of your way to see.

86) School’s Out () zilch:

87) Drive In (2000) zilch: Fucking TEDIOUS modern direct market garbage about a “mentally handicapped” deformed (I think) kid who grows up next to a drive in, thus being exposed to reel after reel of violent horror films whenever he goes in his backyard. All the drive in footage is violent scenes from various Troma movies, so that should tell you how deep the film makers’ knowledge of cult horror goes, which is also reflected in how tepid the movie plays as a whole. There’s some really pointless back story on some of the drive in attendees, but you still don’t care as the film fuelled ogre crashes the party and starts offing the movie goers car by car. Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is that it can’t tell if it wants to be straight slasher or pure schlock, so it settles for this really taxing middle ground that’s sure to disappoint fans of either extreme. Big snoozing pass on this one.

88) Freak (1999) zilch: I’m tempted to give this a one star, because it’s actually a fairly competent flick for being straight to video and housed in a CGI blood-soaked cover, and I kind of admire the attempt at making a paced horror/drama with an actual plot as opposed to the mindless exploitation you expect from low budget trash. But still, a boring flick is a boring flick, and despite the scant moments of genuine suspense, the attempt to develop a relationship between the kid and her sister (or whoever) as they go on a road trip, and way more back story on the mentally deranged “freak” than the freak itself, this one still fails to leave a lasting impression, or even keep the viewer in their seat. So congrats to the film makers for taking the high road…You still failed.

89) She Freak (1967) *: Basically a note-for-note Freaks ripoff, but without, y’know, THE FREAKS. Oh sure, you have a dwarf, and a few glimpses of a bearded lady or whatever, but the most of the action takes place behind the scenes as a conniving small town waitress gets in with the head carnie (she’s got big aspirations, folks), then two times him with some tough. They scheme together and off the head carnie, then the chick takes over, but doesn’t quite treat the freaks with the respect they deserve, and so they do what they gotta do and mutilate our small town waitress friend for the grand finale…Which is actually pretty awesome. Yep, dopey stuff all the way, but entertaining nonetheless.

90) Dead and Rotting (2002) zilch: Utterly braindead direct market schlock. Are you ready for this turd of a plot to enter your reality? Okay, so these guys fuck with this retarded kid, which is normally a GREAT idea, except the retarded guy is the son of a witch. The witch exacts her revenge by sprinkling some dust on the guys, which makes ‘em sick or something. So leave well enough alone, right? Nope. The guys hire some thugs to throw a brick through the witch’s window or similarly fuck with her house. But they get there and are like, fuck it, let’s just boil her cat (?!?), which, oops, was her retarded son in cat form. Okay, NOW the witch is pissed, so she starts plucking off the original three guys and the two thugs. Following this perfectly logical story progression? Good, ‘cause the only important or somewhat redeemable aspect of the film comes when the last two survivors of the witch are on the road trying to figure out what to do. One of the guys suggests going to the police, but the other shoots that fucking moronic idea right down, reminding him “WITCHES ARE LIKE GANG BANGERS” (and yes that is a direct quote), and that when you get in to trouble with one you have to take matters into your own hand. So though I can’t recommend anyone see this film, it does have one important lesson to teach which no other film has the balls to bring to you, and that lesson is yes, witches ARE like fucking gang bangers. Take it to heart people.

91) Nightmares Come At Night (1970) *: Not a bad flick by any means, but very barebones Franco. Not much beyond the skin and perpetually bummed looking Euro babes. I think I’m kinda jaded at this point, and if I hadn’t seen as many Franco flicks as I’ve seen I might be more impressed by this “sexual thriller” revolving around a lesbian stripper couple. As it stands it’s just kind of a background flick.

92) Night of the Demon (1980) **: Holy shit, this one’s a face melter. Everything’s going normal, just your standard Bigfoot number, complete with college kids going into the woods and interviewing some rural creeps about their encounters with the Bigfoot. Seen Return to Boggy Creek? Then you know the score. BUT, things take a sharp turn to crazyville every time a death scene comes up and it’s like, 10x more brutal and over the top than more slashers at the time. For instance, you get a dude getting wielded around in a sleeping bag and impaled on a branch, freaking girl scouts having their hands forced into stabbing each other over and over again, and, yes, a dude whipping out his dong to take a waz, dong fully exposed, getting it ripped off and bleeding profusely from his crotch. These death scenes are total mind blowers, not only for their extremity, but because, like I said, they’re totally out of step with the tone of the movie. This is the stuff that keeps me digging through hundreds upon hundreds of hours of VHS slime, these disorienting moments of sheer exploitation delirium that lie beneath the unassuming veneer of an average low budget Bigfoot flick.

93) Incubus (1981) *: Pretty tame stuff revolving around a cop investigating a string of mysterious murder/rapes. The only real kick comes from the cop describing the victims every time. I swear, it’s like they thought they could get away with mentioning “sperm” and “semen” about a hundred times with nobody noticing. Not a bad flick, really, I got through it fine, but nothing too memorable either. I mean, really, it’s a movie about a fucking demon who rapes and kills girls, it should be way more explicit than it is.

94) Horror of Dracula (1958) **
95) Dracula Has Risen From The Grave (1968) **
96) Taste The Blood of Dracula (1970) **
97) Dracula 1971 AD (1971) **: Got all these as part of some bargain basement repackaging and watched ‘em all in a row, so a lot of these blur together, but they’re all great and classy Hammer productions, all quite entertaining. I gotta give it to Taste The Blood… and Dracula 1971, though, for the Dracula resurrection rituals in those two. In my mind all Satanic rituals are EXACTLY that cool.

98) Innocents from Hell AKA Alucarda (1978) **: I seriously started freaking out when my man Jeff gave me this vid, ‘cause the cover/title, but then I realized it was just Alucarda under a different name, which is still cool, but I thought I was in for some next level Euro cult obscurity. And I like Alucarda and all, but I’ll admit I’m a bit immune to S&M sleazefests like this at this point. It’s definitely a good exploitation flick by all means, but, as with Legend of the Wolfwoman, I couldn’t help but feel like the film was just making it too easy for me to like.

99) Holocaust 2000 (1977) *: Not too bad Omen ripoff with an evil, scary nuclear power theme. They kind of run the point into the ground, and it does get a bit ridiculous (yes, okay, his son is the devil, yes, the power plant is the beast of Armageddon, we got it, you don’t need to do these lengthy voiceovers relaying all the facts, have some faith in your audience for chrissakes), but overall this is a pretty enjoyable flick, though a wee bit on the adult side for your average gore fiend.

100) Mutant (1984) *: Not quite boring but definitely mindless yarn about some city slickers who wind up in a hick town and find themselves smack dab in the middle of a toxic waste spawned corporate zombie conspiracy. Pretty heavy handed stuff on the EEEEVIL nuclear waste front, which is always a wee tacky, but whatever, it’s a watchable flick.

101) Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998) zilch: Rob Zombie as fuck nil budget horror comedy about…Who fuckin’ knows. I guess there’s a lot of skin in this, but not nearly enough to make up for the lengthy incoherent spells. Even the charm of digital video couldn’t save this mess.

102) Finis Hominis (1971) ***: This flick finds Marins starring as Finis Hominis, a mysterious man who many see as a prophet come to show man the correct way to live. My favorite scene involves “Finis” wandering into a hedonistic den of hippies, who go out of their way to show Finis what free spirits they all are, in hopes that he might grant them some of his insight. The hippies speak of peace and love, but as Finis throws out a big bag of money, the radicals reveal their true nature. Like Hellish Flesh, this one keeps you strung along ‘til the very end when Marins hits you with the big punch line. In fact, Marins finds a unique rhythm throughout the film, focusing on a subject or action to the point of confusion, and yes, I’ll admit it, at times even boredom, but then revealing his purpose, giving the viewer a sense of satisfaction they wouldn’t find without that extended dwelling on a sequence. The man is a master, and as evidenced by Finis Hominis, can make a powerful film even without the stylistic, surreal techniques of his Coffin Joe films.

103) Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) **: Classy Brit horror about a phantom of the opera type, presumed dead, who exacts his vengeance on the nine doctors he holds responsible for his wife’s death. The death scenes follow biblical plagues, and are pretty inventive, but far from exploitative or explicit. Yep, a competent grown folks thriller with all that stuff like plot, character development, acting, etc. It’s good to take these in every once and awhile.

104) Vampires (1998) zilch: John Crapenter’s Vampiles (of shit). But, y’know, “duh.” From Dusk Til Dawn definitely did more harm than good.

105) Death Mask (1998) **: Ah, now this is that “one in ten” slice of schlock that makes watching all those direct market 90’s flicks worthwhile. It’s totally implausible, absurd and ridiculous, but has the feel of a train right before it goes off the tracks. This deformed carnie who sculpts masks and displays them as a circus attraction (???) gets really miffed one day after getting mocked by some art critics (y’know, the kind who take the time to pick on carnie art), so he takes the advice of a sympathetic female coworker (cocarnie?) and heads down to the old witch at the swamp’s place to strike a deal. She pricks his finger and makes him make a blood pact that he’ll give her her great ancestor’s skull (or something) which he has for some reason in exchange for the ability to make the most beautiful mask ever. AND I’D LIKE TO SEE WHAT THOSE ART CRITICS HAVE TO SAY WHEN THEY SEE THAT! The important part is after leaving the witch’s place the girl is giving the guy shit for whining after getting his finger pricked by the bone, and the guy tells the girl not to make fun, and that “pain hurts me.” Yes, that is a direct quote. “Pain hurts me.” Thank you direct market gods! Don’t worry, the girl reassures him that “you can’t catch AIDS from no chicken bone,” and a bunch of other stuff happens, like the mask the guy makes kills whoever looks at it, but who cares, ‘cause your mind will still be working on “PAIN HURTS ME,” and how one managed to a) commit that line to paper, b) convince an actor to deliver it with a straight face, and c) let the film go through the entire editing process and keep that gem intact. So yeah, great stuff, must see all the way.

106) The Oracle (1985) *: Girl gets fucked with by supernatural forces and some hired killers.
It’s all part of an elaborate plot, but after 15 minutes I knew this wouldn’t live up to the awesome cover art, so I just kinda spaced out.

107) Vamp (1986) *: Very, very teeny horror/comedy about some horny college kids (and token nerdy Asian) who find themselves in a strip club in the sleazy side of town which happens to double as a vampire haven. How to survive the night…Luckily Grace Jones is like, the coolest person alive, otherwise this would be a total loss. Not the worst, you’ll be able to get through this no problem, but you won’t necessarily feel good about it.

108) Night Ripper (1986) *: Hopelessly obscure 80’s SOV about a killer on the loose. But who’s the killer? Well, you’ll be too blown away by the wretched acting and botched lines to really care. Unfortunately, that’s kind of all this one has going for it. Not really enough of those ugly, unflinching death scenes that make the best SOVs work, but there is one really interesting stabbing that just cuts to the knife after it’s been inserted in the victim, but doesn’t show the knife actually penetrating. Kind of a reverse Psycho shower scene, a sign of the times I guess.

109) It’s Alive 2 (1978) *: I think I was looking at stuff on the internet with my girlfriend while this was going on, but I realized Michael Moriarty wasn’t involved, and since he kinda made the 3rd one for me, I’m not convinced I missed much.

110) A Darkly Noon (1995) **: Freaking Vigo, how could I diss this? Well, it is a pretty forced, stylized Twin Peaks ripoff, but, y’know, VIGO. So watch it.

111) Death Bed (1977) **: Well, this flick’s reputation precedes itself…Unfortunately? I dunno, this is a great demented, surreal genre bender, but I knew that before I put the DVD in, so all the movie’s warped qualities were all anticipated. You couldn’t call this film “hyped” by any means, or say its reputation is in any way undeserved, but I only wish I could have gone into the film fresh, expecting inept schlock and having all the film’s idiosyncrasies take me by surprise.

112) 976 Evil 2 (1992) *: A sequel mindless enough to live up to the tantalizing title of the original. The plot revolves around a pervy principle who has the hots for some student chick and uses some sort of cosmic evil that’s bestowed upon him whenever he needs it to kill some people in order to get closer to the girl. There are some concessions to the movie’s own b movie status, such as a Roger Corman/Joe Bob Briggs poster, but the movie doesn’t really slip into self conscious camp, thankfully. Like I said, pure mindlessness, take it or leave it.

113) Slumber Party Massacre (1982) *: For whatever reason I was under the impression that this was some sort of feminist think piece, as the only thing you ever hear about this flick is that it’s a slasher directed by *gasp* a WOMAN, and thus all the voyeuristic shower scenes are supposed to be ironic or satirical or something. Like I said, that’s just the stuff I heard, but it did cause me to watch the film with a more critical eye, for better or worse, and I gotta say, that outside of the power drill chopping at the end as a symbol for castration, and maybe some rape themes, this played like a straight mindless slasher to me…Which I obviously have no problem with. Like, was there ANY background information given on the killer, any story whatsoever? Worth watching if you’re a “genre enthusiast,” but again, I’m not really seeing the supposed feminist or satirical nature of this flick.

114) Critters 2 (1988) *: THE MINDLESSNESS CONTINUES! Pure schlock entertainment here. Space bounty hunters and the god Eddie Deezen alone would have made this film time well wasted, so the dopey, carnivorous fur puppets are just an added bonus for me. Also worth noting: “CHEEEEEEESEBURGERS! NO BONES!” Yeah this has kid appeal, and is about as much a horror flick as Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, so fans of brutality can sit the one out, but if you’re entertaining a mixed crowd this is a good braindead background flick.

115) Season of the Witch (1972) ***: Not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting much from this, as I’m not a big fan of Crazies, so I assumed the antebellum period between NOTLD and Martin was a wasteland, but fuck, this is a gem right here. This is sort of an examination of witchcraft in suburbia. Not so much a horror film…It’s hard to describe. Of course there’s the cultural shift theme you see in all Romero’s work from this decade with the “swing” factor and all, but there’s something much greater than the sum of its parts going on with this film. I think it has to do with the really likeable and convincing characters. This is one of those idiosyncratic low key 70’s American exploitation numbers a’la The Mafu Cage, Poor Albert and Little Annie, Poor Pretty Eddie, etc., but of course the Romero factor makes this a bit more noteworthy to horror fans. Great stuff either way, though.