Okay, I managed to review every horror film I saw in 2007, working backwards, in 2008. It’s taken me a few months and been an overall tedious process, but here they are in all their hazy glory. A lot of these are first impressions, so we’ll see what changes over time.
365. Gothic (1986) **: Fucking bizarre tale of Mary and Percy Shelley’s “year without a summer” trip to Lord Byron’s place in Switzerland which spawned Frankenstein. It’s not so much bizarre in content (though there is an overload of stylized techniques that’s more jarring than anything else), but the fact that you’re watching key literary characters running amok in some low budget Vestron home video. Unique idea, I guess, but the end result is more style than substance.
364. Night of the Living Dead (30th anniversary edition) zilch: “Hey, let’s fuck up this stone cold masterpiece with a bullshit midi soundtrack and some nonsensical side story that fucks up the flow of the movie?” The new sequences add nothing new and just frustrate anyone who’s see the orig. Who gave the go ahead for this?
364. The Strange World of Coffin Joe (1968) ****: An absolute revelation, start to finish. A horror anthology like only Marins can do. The first story is fairly typical faire about a doll maker, his 4 daughters and some bandits. That Marins can take a fairly standard story like this and make it sizzle with sex and his very unique film style is a true testament to the man’s craft. The next bit has no dialogue, but it’s important to note that Marins’ films have some of the best scores you can hope to hear; very raw and primitive atmospheric soundscapes. I’m sure the bulk of the score is recycled stock sound effects, but in a way that’s the essence of Marins’ work: making a low budget effect as effective as possible. As for the story, it’s about a deformed balloon carrying hunchback (similar to This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse’s Bruno) who pines after a beautiful woman. The woman dies, and the hunchback eventually has his way with her. It’s a grizzly subject, but at the same time because of the technique there’s a certain beauty to it all, very emotionally evocative indeed. The next short is the real meat of the film, where “Professor Oaxiac” (Caixão backwards, duh) expounds upon Ze do Caixão’s world philosophy on a talk show later more prominently featured in Awakening of the Beast, which is essentially that “instinct” (primal instinct, the id, if you will) is the ruling force of man, and that love, hate, spirituality, etc., are just masks man uses to hide his true nature. Ze—er—“Professor Oaxiac” eventually lures a dissenting panelist on the show back to his house and subjects him and his wife to a “burlesque show” of various subjects whom he’s converted to their “true selves.” Ze eventually subjects the couple to these experiments in a brilliant reworking of the Genesis myth, eventually proving that love, and by extension human emotion, doesn’t exist, and we’re all primitive animals inside. That there are no repercussions for Ze’s philosophy, or the necrophile’s actions in the 2nd segment, makes for a truly unique and diabolical film experience. There’re really no words that can do this man’s films justice, and I really can’t recommend his movies enough.
363. The Doctor and the Devils (1985) **: Really well done period piece about a zealous anatomy doctor (Dr. Rock) who pays some derelicts (Broom and Fallon) for fresh bodies to dissect, going against the academy’s policy. The doctor kind of knows, but doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that said derelicts are killing the people they’re bringing him. The film succeeds in conveying both the madness of Doctor Rock in his goals to advance medicine and the economic desperation of Broom and Fallon’s world. Well layered and executed all the way through.
362. The Fog (1980) *: Fog rolls in. There’re killers in the fog. You get stabbed. And there’s lots of downtime in between. A well executed film, but didn’t really leave me feeling anything.
361. The Kiss (1988) **: A really religious mom dies and her supermodel sister moves in. Only problem is: SHE’S A WITCH! Very “cheesy” very “80’s,” some okay death scenes, an evil cat (“FUCK YOU FELIX”), but nothing to really make you go nuts.
360. Prom Night III (1990) zilch: Horror comedy that kind of plays as a slasher parody, which by 1990 was a subject that was doing a good enough job parodying itself. Plot? Uh, some ghost chick is haunting a high school and makes this AVERAGE (a point PAINFULLY stressed) teenager do her bidding by boning him behind his goody two shoes (and living) girlfriend’s back. Dude eventually gets in over his head as you might imagine, and the body count rises. For a “fun” movie, this wasn’t very fun to watch, and dragged pretty hard.
359. Diary of the Dead (1976) *: It’s a shame, because the acting and overall execution isn’t too bad on this one, but the basic premise is just fucking retarded. Okay, so this husband and wife live with the wife’s stingy mom who doesn’t like the husband and is an overall bummer. The husband gets it in his head he’s gotta kill the old broad, so when she invites her presumably equally naggy old friend over who dies of a heart attack while the mom-in-law’s asleep, the husband SOMEHOW figures he can pass the dead friend off as the mom-in-law and then he can kill the mom-in-law and get away with it. Okay (???), so he calls for an ambulance, saying that his mother-in-law died, but at this point the real mother-in-law wakes up and dies of a heart attack, so he’s got two dead bodies, has done nothing illegal, but decides he’s still gonna pass the mom-in-law’s friend off as the mom-in-law for some reason, and bury the real dead mom-in-law (who he didn’t actually kill, remember) in his backyard. The film goes through the motions of him ineptly covering his tracks and different people suspecting him of doing whatever, but at that point you really just don’t care what happens to the guy at all, ‘cause he blew it from the start. Like I said, surprisingly decent execution on everyone’s part, but when the “criminal” hasn’t really done anything wrong it’s hard to care one way or the other what happens to him.
358. The Changeling (1988) **1/2: Decent post-shining haunted house piece. I generally can’t get behind that motif, but it’s saved by some genuinely creepy scenes (skeleton hand in the well, cool old timey wheel chair) and a fleshed out story about a wrongful heir to a fortune. Good stuff, but a bit, uh, mature for my tastes.
357. Ganja & Hess (1973) ****: One of the best I’ve seen all year, no doubt. I saw this first as Blood Couple and was floored by the radical afrocentric reworking of the vampire motif, but Blood Couple puts the horror aspect at the forefront, whereas the original version (the directors cut, roughly ½ an hour longer) Ganja and Hess draws more attention to Bill Gunn’s fantastic technique, and the characters are decidedly less “vampyric.” The score (more phenomenal psyched out atmospheric soundscape stuff) interplays with the characters in a really effective manner, and the monologues are PERFECT. There’s a very free, borderline Paul Morrissey approach to the dialogue, where you get the sense that Gunn just started filming and let what happened happen, but when you realize that the monologues play a crucial role to the development of the plot and characters, its clear that the opposite is true and these segments were heavily scripted and directed, and it’s the skill of the actors and directors and material that makes these segments feel so natural. It’s painful for me to watch such exquisite delivery of dialogue, and then watch newer dialogue heavy flicks like Kevin Smith or Tarrentino’s stuff where the lengthy monologues come off as unnatural and take the viewer out of the film. If they could do it right in ’73, why not now? Fucking frustrating, especially considering the relative obscurity of Gunn’s career. Anyways, Gunn essentially uses the vampire myth as an allegory for the dominance of Christian culture over the African identity, and shows the potential for using something an unassuming as a horror movie to convey broader social issues. Obviously he wasn’t the first film maker to utilize this potential, but he did it in such a unique and effective way as to merit the awe of anyone who actually cares about film.
356) Diary of a Madman (1963) **: You’d go bonkers if Vincent Price was your inner voice too! Some cool effects in this, like all the floating stuff and the morphing of the clay, but this just ain’t really my bag. Very “psychological” and Poe-esque, and basically over my attention span.
355) Parasite (1997) zilch: If you’re doing some modern day no budget digital video bullshit don’t think you can pull the wool over our eyes with a serious plot and act like nothing’s wrong, okay? Some witch has the hots for some Irish professor dude (a scientist who has no faith in the supernatural, of course) and slowly begins the process of ruining his life through magic. You can guess the rest, but probably shouldn’t waste your time. Respect for having an all grown up cast, but the biggest challenge of doing a low budget movie is making it work for you, not aspiring to be some middle of the road forgettable pap like this.
354) Candyman 3 (1997) zilch
353) Candyman 2 (1995) zilch
352) Candyman (1992) *: Alright, so I lined all these up and made a night of it. What a fucking retarded “franchise.” It’s like they started out trying to buck all the slasher clichés (no mask, no gratuitous nudity/sexism, *gasp* HE’S BLACK!), but of course falls into the biggest slasher cliché of them all, which is a bunch of nonsensical sequels. The first flick is good enough for a PC horror movie: chick calls on Candyman, Candyman kills people close to her thus implementing her as the killer, chick dies trying to protect a kid Candyman’s after, and becomes the new Candyman. Whatever, at least it’s a story. The second flick tries to expatiate on the Candyman myth, how he was an educated Blackman who got killed in the south for having a fling with a white lady (which they said in the first one, and was good enough), but he was also the secret granddaddy of some white lady, and he kind of wants to fuck her or something…I dunno, it’s all really confused, really. Like, take Freddy Kreuger; he’s got a crazy burnt up face and gnarly claws, and if you go to sleep, he’s gonna cut you up. Pretty simple, right? Candyman, it’s like, he was stung to death by bees, so if you see bees around you know he’s coming, but his face isn’t stung up or anything, really he’s just a smooth looking brother, and also he has a hook ‘cause his hand was cut off, oh, and he comes if you say his name in the mirror, but he might not kill you, he might just kill people around you and then you gotta worry about the cops…Oh, but he also might just kill you…With bees…Or that hook. But if you’re related to him, uh…He wants you to come with him? Where? I dunno, it’s fucking stupid. Way too cluttered.
351) Reflections of Evil (2002) ****: Okay, this isn’t really a horror movie, but I bought it solely based on the title which sounded like a horror movie, and the fact that it was $2 and had no description on the case whatsoever, thus further enticing my curiosity. In reality Reflections of Evil is a modern experimental, borderline outlaw independent film funded, produced, directed, staring, edited and released by my new favorite modern filmmaker, Daniel Packard. It’s hard to nail down an exact “plot” with this film, as Reflections floods the viewer with a barrage of seemingly nonsensical scenes, but basically Packard plays a sugar addicted street person hawking watches to everyone he passes (but never makes a sale), lives with his nagging mom and eventually is sought after by his sister who may or may not be alive. There’re a lot of flashbacks and psychedelic effects, but what makes Reflections so effective isn’t its surreal passages, but the very REAL feel of the film. For instance, the scenes where Packard walks the streets and is perpetually getting in verbal confrontations with everyone he passes, missing busses, and gaining layers and layers of clothing and pairs of headphones translates to one of the most effective translations of Southern California street life you’re likely to find on film. Modern mainstream entertainment (namely film) is routinely parodied through the juxtaposition of the comically slovenly Packard with various film glossy film advertisements like Miss Congeniality decorating the confrontation riddled streets, and there are of course the segments from other films and television lifted (stolen) for effect. The segment filmed at the ET ride at Universal studios with Spielberg’s voice MERCILESSLY overdubbed is my favorite of the “most certainly copyright infringement” segments. Basically this is a true independent vision laced with heavy doses of comedy derived from a satirical contempt for modern culture and a completely idiosyncratic technique. Must be seen to be believed!
350) Bandh Darwaza (1990) ***: Excellent “Bollywood” horror production from the Ramsay brothers, who are supposedly the masters of this sort of thing. I’d love to see more of their flicks. In Bandh Darwaza a wife who can’t get pregnant turns to “the black mountain,” which is sort of an evil cult with a Dracula-esque figurehead, who gives her a child (she sleeps with the Drac guy to get knocked up, so it was likely the husband’s retard at fault, but whatever) on the condition that if it’s a girl, she has to give the brat to the black mountain. It is, of course, so to break the deal the family has to kill the Drac dude so that they can keep the baby. And that’s just the first ten minutes or so! The bulk of the story takes place in modern times and centers around the current woman of the family who’s kind of a “bad girl” (I mean, she’s Dracula guy’s daughter, what do you expect) and pines after a local dude who’s not feeling her. She eventually gets lured back to the Black Mountain to get some hoodoo to cast on her would-be beau, thus bringing the very cool Dracula guy back in the mix. The movie’s a bit longer than the average Western horror flick, clocking in at 145 minutes, and is complete with comic relief, lots of faux-martial arts, some heavy borrowing from popular American films of the time, and of course song and dance numbers. All that might add up to a kitsch novelty film if it wasn’t for the fact that there’s a really great atmosphere and cheap spooky aesthetic, very much reminiscent of old Hammer horror. If you’re a castles and fog type (and I am), this film delivers in spades. It is, of course, such a radically different and refreshing approach to horror that it’s tempting to get caught up in the “exoticness” of it all, but I really feel like this is a great horror film in its own right. Mondo Macabro has a 2xDVD set with this and the excellent Purana Mandir which should whet anyone who’s curious’ appetite for more Bollywood horror.
349) Video Violence (1987) **1/2
348) Video Violence II (1989) **1/2 Two cool SOV (shot on video) “classics” on one DVD! As an ex-video clerk, there’re a lot of jokes that I found a lot funnier than the average person (“people only ever want to rent the new releases!”), and I did see VVII when I was a youngin,’ but I think anyone who’s a remote fan of 80’s slashers can appreciate this somewhat outsider take on the genre. The basic plot--City folk open a video store and country folk start acting awful funny when the city folk start making a stink about someone dropping a snuff film in the return box--is a transparent vehicle to move from death scene to death scene as more snuff tapes get discovered. The death scenes aren’t your Savini faire, that’s for sure, but basically this is the type of flick where you just gotta get down with the vibes, which are fucking phenomenal. These are truly independent films with the purest of intention: to entertain, and maybe make some money. You can tell everyone involved is enjoying themselves, and I can honestly say there’s a better story and more interesting theme (the strange phenomenon of sleazy horror vhs at the time, which this film gleefully acknowledges it’s a part of) than you’ll find in your average big studio slasher sequel. Speaking of sequels, Video Violence II is a great coda to the first film that actually acknowledges the events of the original Video Violence (kind of rare in the horror sequel game) and has lots of callbacks for people who’ve seen the first movie. It also does a good job at erasing any shades of doubt the viewer might have that the people in charge of these are doing anything but having a good time. I’d say both these films do a good job at poking fun at a genre while still providing enough sex and violence to alienate anyone who’s not already on board. Great stuff.
347) Cutting Room (2006) **: Zero budget slasher that knows exactly how shitty it is. This is for-the-fans-by-the-fans trash that gets off through sheer lack of pretension alone. Should you put an iota of effort into seeing this? No, but I found a copy of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD that has 6 movies (this included) for $5, and I can honestly say I got my money’s worth and was far more entertained and felt better as a person watching this than any modern, slick looking, mainstream horror flick. There’s also a preeeeetty lurid female masturbation scene that I got to give the filmmakers credit for. Most films of these type hold off on the sex in favor of fake blood, but this dude goes there, respect.
346) Up For Rent (2006) **: Another part of the “Fatal Femmes” 2xDVD, which is a bunch of Z E R O budget digital camera joints, this one being a horror anthology centering around a realtor going over all the terrible stuff that’s happened in an apartment that’s, yep, “up for rent.” There’s a jealous and kinda crazy girl who offs her boyfriend for presumed infidelity, a run-of-the-mill serial killing, and the best segment, “Wannabe Deadly” about a dude obsessed with being the word’s smartest serial killer who’s really inept. There’s some legitimately funny moments in that segment when the guy has his fantasies about how a murder will work out and be received by the press, and how it actually happens. Again, this is GARBAGE as far as any technical aspect of filmmaking is concerned, but if you’re into the spirit of people just making movies and not being held back by budget constraints or any sort of social norm of what constitutes a “good” movie, then this is a fine example of how enjoyable a barely competent independent genre picture can be.
345) I Am Legend (2007) *: I dunno, is this a horror movie? IMDB says it’s an Action / Drama / Fantasy / Horror / Sci-Fi / Thriller, and there are rampaging mobs of zombie things so….Yeah, I’ll count it. So is it good? Oh, god no. The film’s premise—Will Smith is the last guy on earth and is trying to find a cure for a plague that’s wiped out Manhattan—is far too dark for standard blockbuster fluff, and it’s handled in too goody-two-shoes a way to be a dark fluff film, like 12 Monkey or Fight Club or something. That’s the problem in a nutshell, is this flick’s so PAINFULLY middle of the road (homeboy uses Shrek and Bob Marley to illustrate his points…Way to go over the heads of NO ONE) that I can’t imagine anyone REALLY likes or dislikes this flick enough to even remember it in a few years. I mean, they got my $10, so they win, fine, but at least do a good enough Hollywood razzle dazzle job that I don’t spend the whole time scratching my head over plot holes and wondering why I should care about this character at all. It’s slick enough to take up two hours and not make you walk out of the theatre, so watch it or don’t, your life won’t be affected either way.
344) Boggy Creek II (1977) zilch
343) Return to Boggy Creek (1982) zilch: Holy shit these were painful. I had to watch Return to Boggy Creek in two sittings and go to a friend’s house to watch Boggy Creek II because I didn’t have the faith in myself that I could sit through it without fast forwarding or slitting my wrists. A bunch of hicks and Bigfoot, who fucking cares. If you must, go with Return to Boggy Creek (the second in a trilogy, which concludes with Boggy Creek II…Huh?), ‘cause the attempts at the authentic Cajun accents are good for a cheap laugh at least. The big time suspense in Boggy Creek II is they get chased into a house by a dog…Oh, and the girls get the jeep stuck in the mud and have to *gasp* READ THE MANUAL (don’t worry, it’s in the glove box) to figure out how to work the four wheel drive! PG rated fun for the whole family, if your family’s a retard.
342) Demonia (1990) **: Later Fulci flick with two killer death scenes (dude getting split in half and a bunch of cats killing an old lady), a crucified nun, and not much else to keep your interest. Canadian archeologists go searching for ancient Greek artifacts, inadvertently fuck with some cursed dark ages shit and local yokels, and you can guess the rest. It’s an okay flick if you go for this sort of thing.
341) Terror and Black Lace ***: Oooh, I liked this one! Really cool Mexican thriller/horror flick about a possessive husband and his wife who live on the top floor, a music historian with a hair fetish who lives beneath them, and 3 independent women types who live below him. The technique was exceptional, and there were moments of genuine suspense as well as really unconventional plot development. The things you expect to happen don't really happen, but not in an arbitrary "TWIST!" kind of way either. In fact, I think it might be the film's lack of gimmicks that made it so appealing, actually; there's not a lot of blood, there's not a lot of nudity, but there's enough of both to maintain that certain luridness which makes these kind of movies work. Absolutely phenomenal genre picture which I highly recommend.
340) Nightkill (1980) *: Shitty husband gets murdered for money, the wife should call the cops but doesn’t, you don’t really care beyond that point. Everything looks real “Dynasty” too. Whatever.
339) Dead and Buried (1981) **: Surprisingly good Vestron joint with REALLY well done death scenes and an actually well developed story for this kind of movie. The movie starts strong, with a guy getting baited by a chick and burned alive by some fishermen and basically just keeps up the pace. Hobos get slashed up, some dude gets a needle in the eye, and when you start seeing these people walking around again, you know something’s up. You’re not exactly sure why these people are being killed, or why they’re being seen around town, but as the main cop in the flick learns more, so do you, and all-in-all, it’s not as stupid as you might think. Fine film indeed.
338) Purana Mandir (1984) ***: Great Bollywood horror that was supposedly responsible for setting off a sort of “horror boom” in India for a few years. As mentioned in the Bandh Darwaza review, there are a lot of stylistically typical aspects at play that would be out of place in a Western horror pic, such as song and dance numbers and comic relief, but overall there’s a great atmosphere and story that should appeal to any horror fan who favors the older b-movie aesthetic. The plot revolves around a boyfriend and girlfriend trying to break the curse of Saamri, a really cool looking demon who placed a curse on the girlfriend’s ancestors, thus preventing the boyfriend and girlfriend from marrying. The two bring along their friends, the male sidekick being a real mustachioed machismo oozer who spends a bulk of his screen time kicking stuff, and then shit starts to hit the fan; Saamri comes back from the dead, the superstitious country folk try to sacrifice the boyfriend and girlfriend to Kali, and the machismo oozer starts up a racket by capturing and freeing a notorious bandit for the reward money. Again, the flick’s 145 minutes long, so it has time to fit all that stuff in. All the DVD extras say that this is probably the best Indian horror flick out there, so do yourself a favor and dig in.
337) Evil Eye (1974) *: Not much to say here. Pretty forgettable Italian supernatural giallo without enough sex or death scenes to keep me interested.
336) Catholic Ghoulgirls (2005) *: Zero budget schlock centering around campy horror clichés (schoolgirl outfits, zombies, whatever) and a lot of interjections of really annoying “totally 80’s” pop culture references and Kevin Smith style dialogue. Completely horrible, of course, but it’s a bunch of buddies with a camera fucking around, you can’t really be too critical of a film like this.
335) Candle in the Dark (2002) *: Looks like a video a family would make after Thanks Giving. There’s a goody goody girl who’s new college roommate is a “goth,” and since there’s a bunch of vampire murders on campus, the “goth” girl becomes the #1 suspect. I was really hoping the “goth” chick would be more over the top and cheesy, but she’s kind of just dressed like a secretary or something. Unless you’re a fan of zero budget ineptitude, though, you probably won’t be able to watch this. If you are a fan of zero budget ineptitude, this is still barely passable.
334) The Bewitching (2006) zilch: Skinimax style softcore centering about a, uh, witch? Who comes to Las Vegas? And she sleeps with a bunch of dudes, but she’s not supposed to for some reason? The best part is there’s a group of guys, a white guy, a black dude and an Asian, and both the black and white dude get laid by the witch, but the Asian guy gets left out. Such a dick move! And your average uncut Jess Franco film has way more titillation than this, so I’d say this even fails at pornography. This is really THEE lowest of the low as far as just about any form of entertainment goes, so it’s nice to watch a movie like this and think “okay, I’ve officially hit rock bottom as far as what I’ll allow to take up my time.”
333) Awful Dr. Orloff (1962) **: Black and white castles, shadows and fog like only the Europeans can do it. This particular European happens to be Jess Franco, who went on to do some really beautiful avant-garde horror/softcore in the 70’s, but this is a slice of his early straight forward work. The story goes, this Dr. Orlof starts taking girls and using their skin to make his daughter who got deformed in a lab experiment beautiful again. With these kind of movies it’s more about the atmosphere and feel of the imagery rather than the linear plot, though, and this is a great spooky slice of gothic noir.
332) Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) ***: Really beautiful piece of cinema here. Having the opening scenes shot from the perspective of Dr. Jeckyll establishes a great tone, and the execution of the Hyde character is excellent. A lot of the transformation scenes are surprisingly sophisticated for the time and the dynamics of the abusive relationship between Hyde and Ivy are brilliantly sculpted. This is a really great watch, for sure.
331) Prom Night (1980) *: I think this is cannon in the 80’s slasher genre, but I’m not really feeling this one. There’s really not enough blood to make a story like this work, and the mystery killer should be no mystery at all. All in all, this is just a bit too middle of the road for my tastes.
330) Delerium (1979) **: Genuinely entertaining and watchable action/horror flick that starts out as just an average “killer on the loose/copper on his trail” type flick, but eventually you learn that the killer is actually part of a secret group of vigilantes who off criminals who’ve gotten off on technicalities. The psycho killer is an old army buddy of the Telly Savalas-like ringleader of the vigilante group, and, well, eventually everything goes to pot as you might imagine. Great death scenes and an overall cheap grittiness will keep you watching.
329) Shadowzone (1990) zilch: This basically plays like a bad Alien ripoff, which is one of my least favorite genres, up there with Jaws ripoffs. There’s a bunch of scientists in an underground bunker and some dumb portals open, I think a creature gets through, and there’s some secret plot amongst the scientists? I dunno, obviously this is a pretty forgettable claustrophobic sci-fi/horror joint from the Full Moon people. I will say there’re some adequate pre-CGI special effects, which is cool, but not cool enough.
328) When the Screaming Stops (1974) ***: Killer Amando de Ossorio joint based around the Lorelei myth (German folklore, think the sirens) with some pretty grizzly death scenes involving a monster clawing schoolgirls and blind dudes, complete with organs getting ripped out. Lots of, uh, “buxom” Euro femme fatales and an alpha male hunter type who’s trying to kill the monster. I definitely dug this one.
327) Blue Monkey (1987) zilch: ZILCH, ZILCH, FUCKING ZILCH! I wish I could yell that in everyone responsible for this mess’s ears (except Joe Flaherty, I’d just shake his hand). What you got here’s a shitty monster movie about giant bugs in a hospital with a bunch of fucking kids running around being “cute” and some old ladies being “funny” and me wanting to commit “suicide” while watching this trash for 90 minutes. The lighting was actually pretty cool, and if you’re a fan of rubber monsters, this film’s got that, but by and large, ugh, no thanks.
326) Waxwork II (1992) **: Y’know, this really ain’t too bad. It starts with the chick from the first Waxwork coming home after her and her boyfriend just burned down the evil wax museum from the first movie. A crawling hand from the wax museum follows her home and kills her dad in an obvious nod to Evil Dead II, and she has to stand trial, both for the murder and burning down the wax museum. Somehow her and her boyfriend travel through “time” (or more accurately, different movie parodies, including Alien, Frankenstein, a Hitchcock type flick and some fantasy movie and lots of others) trying to prove her innocence by capturing the crawling hand. This is straight to video crud, but I have to admit it’s pretty entertaining crud with lots of tributes to old horror flicks and decent grossout special effects (including a projectile Frankenstein brain), and of course a Bruce Campbell cameo for cred. Not a bad flick to check out if it falls in your lap and you aren’t totally opposed to intentionally “campy” 90’s junk.
325) Demon Keeper (1994) **: Story goes, a bunch of people, some skeptics, some believers, go to a séance at a spooky house with a real medium and a phony one. Phony medium tries to prove himself to the real one and accidentally conjures up this awesome demon who looks like a cross between the devil from Legend and a Mortal Kombat character. I think this is from the Full Moon family, so expect lots of cheesy, but kind of competent special effects and lite T&A. But, also expect a gnarly giant rubber suit demon dude feeling up chicks. Seriously, I’m very partial to satanic imagery in my horror movies, so I just say back and had a great time watching a demon cut up yuppies for 90 minutes.
324) Bleed (2002) *: Typical post-Scream whodunit straight to video slasher, BUT, all the actors involved look like porn people, very LA glam, y’know what I mean? There’re lots of good looking (again, too good looking in an artificial way) naked guys and girls and an overall mean spirited and un-PC vibe, which kind of goes against the teen marketing of your average faux-Scream type flick, so that’s a bit refreshing. Total garbage, but still watchable.
323) Winter Lily (1998) *: This is a really weird Canadian straight to video psychological thriller about a guy who stays at a bed and breakfast and becomes infatuated with the daughter (who may or may not be dead) of the owners through reading her diary. The girl’s mom’s a little off her rocker, and they’re stuck in a cabin in the dead of winter, so things get stranger and stranger as you might guess. There’re a lot of weird incestuous and pedophilic undertones and a very convoluted and clumsy plot and I can’t help but wonder why anyone would want to make or see this movie. I will say it at least attempts to be unique without being cheap and stylistically obtrusive, so it’s not bad for a little indie flick, but not something I’d ever want to see again.
322) Fallen Angels (2002) zilch: Catholic schoolgirls accidentally burn down their school while being attacked by a killer and come with a film crew years later to make a documentary on the fires (which no one should care about, but there are still huge protests outside of the school for some reason), and someone starts killing the film crew and girls. Trite and shitty post-Scream style lite-slasher that can’t possibly appeal to anybody. About the only decent part was watching a bunch of English (possibly Irish) actors fake a US accent. God-awful.
321) Ax ‘Em (’92?) ***: I’ll admit I’m being generous with the three star rating, but this below-zero budget slasher actually plays a lot more interesting than a lot of canonical horror flicks. This is a black filmmaker and predominantly black cast doing more of an updated blaxploitation picture than the socially conscious Spike Lee thing that was more popular at the time. Again, this is REALLY REALLY low budget, as in you can’t hear what’s being said a lot of the time, and there’s about a two inch border around the actual movie; no, it’s not widescreen, the left, right, top and bottom of the film are surrounded by a black border, presumably so the film is more condensed has a higher quality (doesn’t help much, trust me). Large chunks of dialogue are very obviously improvised, including long “doing the dozens” segments (my favorite: “Yo mama so dumb she was in a shoot up and got stabbed”), which gives the film a very loose and freewheeling feel. Uh, large chunks of the plot might be improvised too, as the actual events that transpire are a bit vague. There’re a bunch of black college students spending the week in a cabin, and there’s a burly and pretty convincingly creepy brother in a flannel with a (you guessed it) ax, and you can pretty much guess what happens next. There’s lots of kitsch due to the era of the film, like giant green leather jackets with Mickey Mouse on the back, and a legit “homey don’t play that” line. Oh, you know that bit you’d see a lot in old Apollo standup routines that goes something like “white people are crazy, you seen Poltergeist? If a brother heard a house say ‘get out,’ he’d be out of there, but white people gonna try and stay!” Yeah, you get to see that scenario in action in this flick. Overall, yes, this is a very obviously flawed film, but there are a lot of genuinely funny moments and interesting techniques that hold my interest more than many slicker looking, generic horror films.
320) The Terror (1963) **: Cool spooky Corman flick about a mysterious girl, a mysterious old witch and a mysterious castle. This isn’t a particularly great flick, but you do get to see a YOUNG Jack Nicholson, Dick Miller and Boris Karloff in action, and it’s co-produced by Francis Ford Coppola, so this is a nice slice of Hollywood trivia in addition to being a fun, if not slightly generic, low budget supernatural thriller.
319) The Werewolf of Paxton Hall (1994?) ***: Don’t go crazy trying to find this one, ‘cause I believe it’s a student film that never got mass produced. It’s essentially a black and white half hour tribute to the old European horror style with, yes, castles, shadows and fog and a really well established gothic ambiance. It’s a story about a man who asks his brother, a priest in training, to kill him because he’s been turning into a wolf and killing people. The production levels, costumes and acting are so far above what you’d expect for something like this that it really catches you off guard how good it is. The overall execution is just superb, and it really makes me wish there was an underground of filmmakers who just made completely non-commercially viable black and white European gothic style horror films with little blood and lots of ambiance. It sure would be a lot more interesting than a bunch of misguided digital effects ridden 80’s American slasher throwbacks like you have now. I did some research and I don’t think any of the principle filmmakers for this number ever did anything in movies again, and there’s not even a listing for it on IMDB, so that’s what a well crafted story and atmosphere gets you. If anyone involved in this movie googles this review, hit me with an e-mail, I’d love to talk.
318) The Craft (1996) **: This is probably the pinnacle of PC 90’s teen friendly horror, and in theory embodies everything I should hate, but after throwing it in with a friend of mine for a laugh, I gotta say, this isn’t THAT bad. It kind of plays like a dumbed down PG Dario Argento number, with the CGI not becoming too obtrusive ‘til the end. It’s pretty, it’s clean, it’s safe, but seeing as we’re in a time now where we can look back at the late 90’s post-Scream teen flick trend as a thing of the past, this flick’s a lot less obnoxious than you’d imagine. Oooh, sequel in 2008, that should be a tremendous pile of dogshit, no?
317) Human Beasts (1980) ***: This is a neat little Paul Naschy flick where Naschy plays a ruthless hitman hired by some Japanese insurgents looking to steal some diamonds to fund a revolution. Even though he falls in love with one of the insurgents, he IS still ruthless, so he steals the diamonds, kills all of the insurgents except the girl, and shacks up at some white folks’ mansion in the middle of rural Japan. The place seems like a safe haven at first, BUT IS IT REALLY? Naschy does a great job at developing the family the hitman stays with from kind, to eccentric, to really fucked up. The film delivers in spades all the grit you want from an exploitation flick, and there’s actually an interesting story underneath it all. I’d love a DVD of this though, because the quality of the VHS transfer leaves something to be desired.
316) Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (1971) **: Wow, this is VERY campy, very drive-in, very b-movie, but really fun to watch. The acting is atrocious, and the premise is laughable, but if you’re in the mood for a stereotypically corny b-movie, here you go. Dracula does look legitimately cool, though. Unfortunately my VHS is in EP which got in the way of some great moments for sure. Gotta hunt down a cheapy DVD, I guess.
315) Killer Barbys (1996) ***: As a Franco fanboy, I loved this, but I’ll admit it is pretty cheesy. An actual Spanish rock band Killer Barbies (they sound like a bar rock Ramones with a va-va-voom female singer) gets a flat tire and has to spend the night in the castle of an Elizabeth Bathory type Countess who’s seducing and killing members of the band and their entourage while her rural creep minions do their part in picking off members of the group as well. On one hand the film’s very obviously and heavy handedly an over-the-top camp number, but there are some grizzly death scenes and the Countess looks VERY cool, and of course there’s all the T&A you’d expect in a Franco film, so though this is a “fun” movie, there’s enough legit horror for genre fans to get behind.
314) Neon Maniacs (1986) **: Very “80’s” slasher revolving around some monsters who only come out at night (like neon, get it?) and hack up teenagers. Their only weakness? The impossibly scarce substance known as “water.” Yeah, water. Each monster is a unique and basically arbitrary character, like “The Hangman,” “Samurai,” “the Indian,” etc. Either the filmmakers thought this film would get big enough to merit action figures, or they were sitting around one day trying to figure out how to fit the Village People into a horror movie. It’s crap, it’s camp, it’s fun, why not?
313) Rawhead Rex (1986) **: Here’s a pretty competent and serious horror flick about this giant monster (who thankfully is never directly referred to by the goofy name of the film) terrorizing Ireland. It’s a pretty straight supernatural monster movie and with corrupt priests and a focus on pagan Irish folklore. Not sold? Okay, there’s a scene where the monster’s peeing on a priest, and if that doesn’t get you on board, nothing will.
312) Phantom of the Mall (1989) **: Another cheesy and “totally 80’s” slasher. This might even be the same mall they used in Chopping Mall, actually. Plot? Uh, mall opens up, and there’s this guy, a “phantom,” if you will, who’s behind the scenes watching over everything on closed circuit cameras and killing the baddies in a variety of somewhat inventive but not exactly noteworthy death scenes. Paulie Shore’s in it, too, as if the movie wasn’t kitschy enough as it is.
311) Frankenstein (1984) n/a: Here’s a made for British TV Frankenstein starring Carrie Fisher. I fell asleep halfway through, but my girlfriend says it’s pretty good, despite looking like a soap opera. I guess I’ll have to stay conscious while watching it next time.
310) Mausoleum (1983) **: Here you have a good wife who cleans house, cooks, keeps to herself, but every now and then BECOMES A DEMON WOMAN POSESSED AND TALKS BACK TO HER HUSBAND AND WANTS SEEEEEX!!! I know being un-PC is part of the horror genre’s charm, but I gotta wonder if this writer knew he was showing all his cards here with this old values woman/post-feminist possession bit? With one of the writers, this is his only work, and the other previously did the new waver flick Blank Generation, so maybe the chauvinist undertones are meant as satire? Part of me would like to believe one of these guys was going through a divorce and wanted to make a film that showed the TRUE nature of these “new women.” Oh man, and check out the ridiculously stereotypical “mammy” type made and perverted Mexican gardener. What a sketchy flick! Regardless, this is pretty decent and overall watchable with some okay death scenes and good enough special effects work.
309) Blackout (1985) *: A man snaps one day and murders his family, then gets in a car crash with another man, and the only survivor of the crash has total amnesia. Is he the killer, or did the killer die? Either way, the survivor starts his life a new with the nurse who helped him recover, but there’s a retired police chief who won’t let this case go! Interesting enough premise, I suppose. The best part by far is the curmudgeonly retired cop, Richard Widmark, who spends the movie spouting off faux tough guy lines like “not on my fuckin’ beat!” that translate more like “get off my lawn!” This is definitely more of a “suspense/thriller/mystery” than a horror, but there’s an “inescapable evil nature of man” theme at play here which horror fans will find familiar.
308) Black Candles (1982) **: A José Ramón Larraz (Vampyres) joint about a Satanic cult and all the sex they have. A chick fucks a goat and a dude gets a sword in the butt, all for Satan. This is basically evil softcore with no major plot points, but whatever, good sleaze as far as sleaze goes.
307) Blood and Black Lace (1965) ***: AKA Sei donne per l'assassino. I’m a big fan of MARIO Bava’s work, especially his 60’s stuff, and this is a feast or all things vintage Bava: You got your femme fatales, tons of spooky lighting and ambiance, gritty subject matter, it’s all here. I don’t always walk away from an old Bava flick with the feeling that I’ve seen a great story, and I can’t even remember the specifics of what happened here (it’s a run of the mill whodunit with a bunch of fashion models getting slashed up), but his films always have such ambiance through simple lighting effects and stunning looking actors. Truly a master craftsman making really beautiful films.
306) Nosferatu (1922) ***: Obviously a classic and beautiful looking movie. So many of the sections are iconic and embedded in the public consciousness that it’s somewhat difficult to take this at face value, but it’s a no brainer classic that’s thoroughly rewarding to watch.
305) Nosferatu (1979) ***: This plays like a loving homage to the original with some of the imagery (namely the rats) kicked up a notch for modern viewers. Definitely worth seeing in conjunction with the original.
304) The Hitcher (1986) *: Here’s a not-very-thrilling thriller about an arbitrarily crazy and seemingly endlessly clever and resourceful psycho killer who hitchhikes along a random stretch of highway killing whoever picks him up. When one college aged kid gets away, the movie drags ON AND ON AND ON with the psycho guy kind of stalking the kid and setting him up for murders and just generally putting way too much effort into tormenting the poor kid. I have no problem with ridiculous, far fetched plot devices, and I’m not the “oh come on, that could never happen” type, but when a movie basis its premise on a very real human fear (that a hitchhiker or stranger is out to kill you), the development of the plot should stay in that realm of reality, which this fails at miserably. Improbable twist begets improbable twist to the point where you really don’t care anymore and just want out. I suppose the technical aspects are handled decently, this is a standard “real movie” for normal people, and it is possible to watch it all the way through, I just can’t imagine there’s any reason to.
303) Horrors of the Red Planet (1965) *: Really dated and corny drive in sci-fi fair about some astronauts who get stranded on mars and come across a sort of haunted castle. There’s one VERY cool scene involving the frozen Martian ghost thingies, though, and a fun cheap aesthetic throughout. Fans of older cheesy sci-fi climb aboard, everyone else prepare to be bored.
302) Curse of the Bigfoot (1976) zilch: Oof, this is an epic in bad! The movie starts with a lady doing some gardening who gets attacked by a laughably bad bigfoot monster. Twist, that segment’s just an example of a cheesy old monster movie that’s being shown in a high school classroom. The teacher goes on to talk more about bigfoots to this class full of 70’s Spicoli ass looking stoners, and then you get a bunch of stock footage of the Himalayans and loggers and what have you, which leads to a short segment with some flannel clad hicks and their bigfoot encounter. Thankfully an expert on the subject comes in to set the class straight on cryptozoology (in high school, remember), and the rest of the film is an obviously separately filmed early 60’s teen creature flick that’s supposed to be a story the expert tells the kids about this bigfoot creature, except that after the kids in that story SET THE BIGFOOT ON FIRE, the film ends and doesn’t go back to the classroom at all. This is a giant hodgepodge of shit that fails on so many levels that I have to recommend it to people who get off watching the lowest of the low in old b movies. Obviously I watch a lot of bad movies myself, and even I was impressed at the ineptitude on this flick.
301) New York Ripper (1982) uncut version ***: Seeing the uncut version of this movie is what finally sold me on Fulci. This is an amazing movie, not just because of the gruesome death scenes and gritty atmosphere (but that stuff too), but because it’s just such a bizarre viewing experience as a whole. Juxtaposing this vicious sexual killer with that goofy Donald Duck voice was a stroke of genius, and the ending, even though “good wins,” leaves the viewer feeling as violated and mistreated as any of the Ripper’s victims, and feels almost surreal in its cruelty. For what’s essentially a sleazy exploitation film, there’re just so many layers to the story that the film really merits some attention and elicits so many emotional reactions from the viewer. There are some genuinely brilliant cinematic moments as well, such as the 1st person perspective when investigating one suspect’s apartment, or the straight razor slashing dream, or, my favorite, the scene where the girl’s tied up and realizes she’s in bed with the killer. I’m a pretty hardened viewer and I rarely “feel” the suspense in these movies, but I bought that scene hook line and sinker. And of course there’s lots of sleaze and gore which I feel dutifully fits the grittiness of the subject matter and adds to the overall raw ambiance of the film, and isn’t just for shock value. I was on the edge about Lucio Fulci and giallos in general, but I can honestly say the uncut version of this was a revelation for me. Highly recommended.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
2007 Part 2
300) The Reptile (1966) **: Fairly standard Hammer faire. I dug it, but as is the case with most of these movies, it’s more about the atmosphere and imagery than the plot or cinematic technique. The reptile chick was VERY cool too.
299) Fade To Black (1980) *: Corny flick about a kid obsessed with old Hollywood movies who becomes obsessed with this Marilyn Monroe lookalike and eventually slips into complete psychosis and starts killing the people who’ve been mean to him. This would be absolutely unwatchable if it wasn’t for the, uh, “unique” performance of kid playing the psycho.
298) Demon of the Lake AKA Creature from Black Lake (1976) zilch: Oh dear lord, a Legend of Boggy Creek KNOCKOFF? As if the actual Boggy Lake movies aren’t shitty enough? Say it ain’t so! Hicks and bigfoot, a boring combination.
297) Angel of the Night AKA Nattens Angel (1998) *: Danish vampire flick that’s very “90’s” in a bad way. Lots of post-John Woo gunplay, hackneyed dialogue and generally awkward attempt at a big budget “edgy” American film. The ending’s great though (a vampire and an explosion!)
296) Blood Orgy of the She Devils (1972) **: Campy drive in faire. It’s light on the sleeze, but goes overboard on the cheese, so fans of camp, well, already know from the title this is good. Oh, and of course there’s enough Satanic rituals to keep my interest.
295) The Witches (1966) **: Decent Hammer horror about a mysteeeerious town with mysteeerious people doing mysteeerious things. Gee, I wonder if the title of the film might give some glue as to what this mystery might be? Na, as far as the “rural town full of secret creeps” motif goes, this is a good ‘un, and the rituals and stuff at the end all look really cool. I dug it.
294) Vampire Happening (1971) *: Here’s a campy German horror themed sex/comedy that’s not very sexy or funny. Well, okay, there’s lots of T&A, but not really enough for this sort of thing. The cheap Scooby Doo style set design and costumes were actually pretty entertaining, but I like trash. I wouldn’t really suggest this for horndogs, though, who I imagine are the only people who would be drawn to a movie like this.
293) Planet of Blood (1966) **: No, not the Bava flick of the same name, this is a super cheap sci-fi b-movie revolving around a trip to mars, I think, and the sole survivor or an ancient civilization. The astronauts bring her back with them, but uh-oh, she bites! The girl playing the Martian vampire (yes, Martian vampire) is pretty convincing as a femme fatale, and bears a striking resemblance to the alien chick from Mars Attacks. Cheap fun right here, with some surprisingly great moments.
292) Horror Express (1973) **: Pretty cool flick with a great cast of pros (Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas) about a frozen monster on a train who (duh) gets loose and starts not only killing, but smoothing out people’s brains. Yeah, smooth brains. It’s not as I’m making it out to be, though. Like I said, there’s a great cast and some definite left turns for what starts out as a “monster on a train” number.
291) Blood and Roses (1960) ***: Roger Vadim did this number, and I’m no French cinema guy, but Barbarella’s been one of my faves since I was a youth, so I was stoked to check out some more of this guy’s stuff, and even more stoked when I got a lush atmospheric period piece about vampires, and old family secrets and all that. This is some grade A cinema right here that really merits all the hollow criticspeak like “heart wrenching cinematic beauty” and all that.
290) Screaming Skull (1958) *: A recently married husband and wife move into the house where the husband’s ex recently died in. The wife is spooked, of course, and the creepy Maynard Krebs-like gardener doesn’t help matters. Soon enough there’s all the signs of a haunted house, complete with—you guessed it—a screaming skull. The bride has some sort of mental condition, so no one believes her, of course, but you know something’s afoot. Fairly generic but fun old b-movie, not life changing, but you’ll make it through without getting too bored.
289) Dr. Hackenstein (1988) zilch: I was tempted to give this one star ‘cause of Ann Ramsey, but I dunno, I was just bored with this intentionally campy horror/comedy. Three sisters, a mad scientist, a dead wife, who cares. I think the main fault here is there’s just not enough skin. Take a cue from Blood Diner guys.
288) Metamorphosis (1990) *: Here’s a not very bad or good fusion of Chronenberg’s Fly and the Reanimator, without the innovative and over-the-top special effects that made those movies work. As you can guess, there’s an overzealous scientist and his stuffy colleagues that warn him about taking his experiments to far…And of course he listens, acts in a professional and academically ethical manner, and nothing goes wrong at all. Right. There’s still a few grossout moments, and in this age of budget CGI effects, even standard derivative horror FX are a treat for the eyes, but stick to the movies this film’s so obviously borrowing from.
287) Cassandra (1986) *: Forgettable (and I say that because I can barely remember what happened) Aussie psychological number about a girl who has bad dreams. There’s a lot of family drama and blah blah blah. I got all the way through it at least, but obviously spaced out quite a bit.
286) The Dead Zone (1983) ***: Hmm, Stephen King stories bore the living shit out of me, but I worship at the altar of Chronenberg, so what’s a boy to do? Uh, sit back and dig the fucking awesome Christopher Walken performance and get down with the mindless twists you expect from a Stephen King story. The Chronenberg touch doesn’t really shine through on this (except there’s one scene where Walken’s mom dies, and there’s this really brief close-up on her wrists that really drives home the frailty of an old body), but his name’s on the box, and therefore I like it.
285) The Dark (1979) *: Boring movie about a spaceman terrorizing a city with a streak of nighttime murders. BUT, it totally redeems itself with a lengthy finale of the space monster slaying cops with lasers. I mean, yeah, this was pretty mindless and boring, but shit, if you wanna pass on a laser beam cop massacre, be my guest.
284) The Collector (1965) ***: Great movie in the post-Psycho vein (likeable, attractive male sociopath motif). It was really odd how the moments of suspense were when the kidnapper was close to being caught, and not really when the prisoner was close to escaping. The way the relationships develop to the point where neither character can truly love the other, but they both need each other in a weird symbiotic way was brilliant. It seemed like the only times the characters were ever really intimate was when they were in s&m type scenarios, so really it's more a story about roles in relationships as opposed to a love story per se, which is much more interesting/problematic. For a movie about kidnapping a girl and locking her in your basement, this is a pretty deep flick. Highly recommended.
283) Sisters of Death (1977) zilch: A gal accidentally gets killed during a sorority initiation, and for some reason or another all the girls get back together, and the rest basically plays out like a Scooby Doo episode.
282) Splatter: Architects of Fear (1986) **: I think this is a shot-on-video joint, but I’m not 100%. I have to admit I’m a bit biased, as I saw this film as a youth and kind of got all nostalgic watching it again, BUT, at base there is a fairly interesting premise here: it’s a special effects “mockumentary” behind the scenes at a post-apocalyptic amazon vs. mutant movie. The fake movie is just a tool to give the viewer a “behind the scenes” look at how all the “state of the art” special effects are done. It would almost certainly be more entertaining to watch the actual amazon vs. mutant flick, but at 70 minutes, this flick does its job for mindless entertainment. Also, there’s a scene with some A+ T&A(&P!) from a Canadian punker amazon chick. Just throwing that out there.
281) Witchtrap (1989) **: Wow, I actually kept this in my “keep” section? Well, it does have some ace death scenes, which in itself is never enough, but I think what makes this flick appealing is it probably does have some of the worst acting I’ve seen, and if you look around on this list alone, you’ll realize that’s saying a lot. The special effects make the film look like there was at least some budget, but no joke, just about every spoken line is laughable. And of course, as mentioned, there’s decent enough death scenes.
280) To the Devil a Daughter (1976) *: This one has to do with a girl who keeps having weird dreams, and there’s a secret Satanic society involved, and a baby, and…Who cares, in the end this is a hackneyed Rosemary’s Baby/Exorcist mashup, but done with a little too much restraint for my (and most exploitation hounds) taste. Of course there are some heavy anti-religious themes and some adequate Satanic ritual footage, so in the end it’s not a total loss, but don’t sweat this one too much.
279) Hellish Flesh (1977) ****: Yes, I’m giving every Marins film four stars, deal with it. This one doesn’t star Coffin Joe proper, but it’s Marins playing a diabolical scientist type whose wife tries to murder him and deform his face with acid. She’s living it up with her new boy toy, but really, how long do you think that’ll last? I was a little stressed on this one, namely because of its “straight forward” nature, and of course the terrible quality of the print, but fuck, the ending made up for it in spades. At base the plot might not be different than your standard EC revenge story, but if you know anything about Marins, you know he ends everything with an exclamation mark, and this film ended with me and my friend’s mouth wide open in amazement. Another diabolical entry in the Coffin Joe library.
278) The Whip and the Body (1963) **: In theory this is right up my alley. You got your gothic atmosphere, a plot based around a woman being torn between a sadistic (ghost) brother and a “marrying type,” and of course Bava at the helm, but I dunno, this one just didn’t stick with me for some reason. It could have been that I’m watching a bootleg version that may or may not be a sloppy reedit, or maybe I just wasn’t in the mood, but I’m definitely ready to give the film a higher rating if I see a better version down the line. Despite my ambivalent attitude, you still got that great 60’s Bava atmosphere and some interesting themes about the nature of sexual attraction and all that.
277) Ed Gein (2000) *: I think this came on IFC one night, so I gave it a shot. Obviously it’s a shitty straight to video mess based around (duh) Ed Gein. The film tries to, y’know, “take you inside the mind of a killer” and show stuff from his childhood and all that, but ends up just being passably watchable. There’s really not much to comment on either way here.
276) Spirits of the Dead (1968) ***: I guess these are all Poe stories adapted by different French directors. I’m not familiar with the Poe stories, but who cares, these are all great stories/segments in their own right. The first is Vadim, who, as noted previously, I pay particularly close attention to on account of my unrequited love for Barbarella. Hey, this one’s got Jane (and Peter) Fonda as well! The story deals with a decadent countess and her poor cousin. When the cousin won’t partake in the Countess’s hedonism, she sets fire to his barn. Dick move, no? There’s a weird incestuous subplot going on there, and of course lots of wild sets and costumes. The Moule segment focuses around a charismatic and sadistic “bad guy” and a mysterious “good guy” who follows him around and kind of keeps him in check. The scene where the “bad guy” beats Brigit Bardot at cards and proceeds to whip her and humiliate her in front of a small crowd should be of, uh, “interest” to some folks out there. You may have noticed a duality of good and evil theme at play so far, no? That kind of goes out the window with the Fellini bit, which is a wild and visually surreal romp focusing around a junkie English actor in Italy who’s kind of losing it to say the least. I’m no cinema buff, but if this is a fair representation of Fellini’s work, I gotta start going for the highbrow stuff more often, because this is an amazing segment. The acting really draws you into a visually stunning world rife with nihilism and entropy. The last bit steals the show, but every segment here is great.
275) Night of the Seagulls (1975) **: Here’s a cool Amando D’Ossario jam that’s heavy on the atmosphere and has some REALLY cool robbed skeletons. They’re Knights of Templar? It doesn’t really matter. The plot’s somewhat thin and drags at times, but there’re enough good visuals to keep it going.
274) Black Sabbath (1963) ***: Here’s a killer Mario Bava horror anthology hosted by Boris Karloff with a GRAND finale. Seriously, the last scene of the last story is a crusher. Hmmm, this might be my fave Bava flick, actually. Everything great about his flicks are present, especially the lighting.
273) Haunts (1977) n/a: Can’t really remember this one. Lot’s of psychological stuff.
272) Tainted (1988) *: Here’s a weird thriller about a woman whose husband walks in as she’s being raped. Either the husband or wife kills the rapist, then the husband dies of a heart attack, and then the woman thinks she’s done something wrong, so the rest of the movie is her covering her tracks and kind of losing it. It’s that type of flick, which tends to leave me bored. Some nudity to keep you interested, though.
271) Sadist of Notre Dame (1979) ***: This is the more horror oriented version of Exorcisme. You got mock satanic rituals with lots of sex and a sadistic priest who takes the rituals seriously and tries to “purify” the women involved through s&m and murder. It’s classic Jess Franco, who even plays the priest. Expect lots of reckless zooming and kinky imagery. I dig the Excorcisme cut more ‘cause of the extra sex, but this version still works.
270) Q The Winged Serpent (1982) **: Cool claymation dragon let loose in a city. Michael Moriarty plays a ne’er-do-well petty criminal who discovers the serpent’s nest and exploits it to his own ends. Good acting and entertaining characters makes for a watchable flick.
269) Black Sunday (1960) ***: Killer Bava black and white ambiance about a witch coming back and trying to take her lookalike relative’s place. Tons of killer imagery and all the Bava standards you’d expect.
268) Night Angel (1990) *: Here’s a flick about an evil model type who uses her feminine (and demonic) wiles to move up the ranks at a magazine. A few guys get offed along the way, and there’s not really enough death and t&a to keep the story going. It ends with a Clive Barker-esque trip to “hell” that’s not nearly as cool as it should be.
267) Succubus (1968) ***: Here’s a wild Franco bit that’s light on the sex and death and heavy on the avant-garde cinematic technique. You get lots of literary and cultural references and extended dialogue that may seem uncharacteristic for a Jess Franco flick, but adds up for a real wild and surreal experience. This is a really unique experience to be sure.
266) Deadline (1981) **: This is a pretty cool flick about a horror writer pushed into meeting his—you guessed it—deadline who experiences a lot of daydreams of grizzly deaths. The death scenes are surprisingly competent, and this is an overall enjoyable and watchable horror flick. Unfortunately the copy I saw was in EP and really poor quality.
265) I Walked With a Zombie (1943) **: I’m not really familiar with this era of film, but it came on TCM one day and the Roky reference sucked me in. You got a nurse in Africa, a voodoo cult, and you can guess the rest.
264) Devil Rides Out (1968) **: Cool hammer horror joint. The most notable scene for me was when the giant spider (or maybe a scorpion?) tries to attack inside the “circle of protection.” I kind of spaced out for a lot of this flick, but there was some okay Satanic stuff (but not enough).
263) Conqueror Worm (1968) **: This is a cool witch hunting flick with all the standard abused women and corrupt religious figures and all that.
262) Nightmares (1983) *: Oof, Tales from the Darkside style SCHLOCK. The short where Emilio Estevez hustles arcade games and jams Fear and Black Flag are raging. The one about the giant rat? Eh, not so much.
261) Baron of Blood (1972) **: I get this one confused with Black Sunday since they deal with similar motifs (wrongfully killed witch/magician back for revenge), but it’s atmospheric Bava, so dig it.
260) Female Vampire (1973) ***: Hmmm, yes, I do believe this is my favorite Jess Franco film I’ve seen so far. What appeals to me most about Franco’s films is the idiosyncratic and very present cinematic gaze. The lens zooms uncomfortably close, blurs in and out of focus, and what shows up on screen may not always be pretty or slick, but it’s always something REAL and often presents the viewer with something to think about. What’s often the case, and especially in this film, is a focus on the body, and Franco has never shied from getting up close and personal with his subjects. Longtime Franco collaborator Lina Romay plays a silent and seductive vampire who feeds off male blood and semen. As she writhes and entices, the camera never goes for the soft focus approach, and comes uncomfortably close, giving it a very voyeuristic and overall very human quality. When the characters do have their clothes on, Franco shows that he can still lay on some heavy atmosphere and sculpts a very simple but emotive story focusing on the loneliness and endless longing of the vampire. This is an excellent film you can either write off as smut, treat as a think piece about sexuality, film and the male cinematic gaze, or just get sucked into the lurid and lavish atmosphere. Either way, you’ll probably enjoy yourself.
259) Wizard of Gore (1970) **: More HG Lewis insanity. The premise is there’s this magician who creates an illusion of women getting killed (brutally mangled, too) on stage. But then, after they leave the stage they die in real life. This kooky couple of keen teens decides to investigate this pressing matter, and who the hell cares what happens, really. The whole movie is a thinly veiled excuse to show these grizzly (after a fashion) mutilation scenes. Cheap laffs can be had watching the magician guy talk IN A LOUD MAGICIANLY LIKE VOICE whether he’s on stage or off. I will say that HG Lewis really crafted a consistent cheap aesthetic with all his movies, which justifies a lot of the elements that might come off as camp to modern audiences. Trash is seldom done better.
258) Tenebre (1982) ***: I saw the uncut Anchor Bay print and was floored. This is the first Dario Argento flick where I really clicked with what he was doing, which, in the case of Tenebre, is treating the scenes of excessive violence with a certain artistic touch. The story, a crime novelist trying to solve the case of a killer who’s inspired by his works, is secondary, as what will undoubtedly stand out are the death scenes, which involve gushing blood out of her severed hand, a nude decapitation, and plenty of other shockers. But that’s just it, because of the technique Argento applies to the death scenes, they truly do shock and stay with the viewer after the movie finishes. If you’re on the fence about Italian exploitation, or even if you generally dislike the genre, this might just make a convert out of you or at the very least stand as an exception to the rule.
257) Eaten Alive (1980) AKA Mangiati Viva **: This is an UGLY UGLY UGLY Italian cannibal movie (which is code for going to a jungle and filming some f’d up stuff) centering around a Jim Jones like cult. Any story the film might have takes a backseat to the heaps of ridiculous scenes, including multiple rapes, a dong getting cut off, perpetually topless natives, a dildoing, and token sketchy footage of various animals getting chopped up. I’m still REALLY uncomfortable with seeing real animals getting killed for the sake of a terrible low budget movie, and have to keep telling myself it’s stock footage or something. Like I said, this is an UGLY movie, so it’s meant to leave you feeling kind of grossed out by humanity, both the people portrayed in the film and the people who made it/watch it/demand that kind of cinema (yourself included, obviously). I couldn’t decide between an zilch or four stars, so I gave it two, which is the nature of compromise.
256) Forever Evil (1987) **: Some yuppies go to a cabin in the woods, evil spirits kill most of the yuppies and torment the survivor. Okay, not bad, but prepare yourself for 1) a gutted pregnant chick in the shower 2) a dude FLIPPING OFF THE WOODS THEMSELVES after he escapes them, and 3) Pregnant chick ripping a demon baby out of her own belly. Not to shabby or exceptional pre-CGI special effects make for an all around adequate viewing experience.
255) The Haunting of Julia (1977) *: This one’s a supernatural/psychological thriller centering around the fragile psyche of—yep—Julia, played by Mia Farrow. The lady keeps seeing the ghost of a little dead girl which leads to other spooky stuff happening and everyone telling her it’s all in her mind. Well done enough British flick, but this kind of stuff is lost on me.
254) Curse of the Demon (1957) ***: Here’s another one where I can barely remember any details of the plot (something about a skeptical doctor trying to disprove black magic?) but the visuals and general atmosphere really had an impact on me. The bulk of the setting takes place in the UK countryside, so yes, expect fog and shadows a-plenty, a very effective (especially for the time) smoke demon, and a genuinely suspenseful ending. Don’t get your hopes up for cheapo drive-in faire, though, this is a genuinely great film that should appeal to horror and cinema fans alike.
253) The Beyond (1981) **: An above par Fulci joint revolving around 7 gates to hell. This gets a lot of praise as one of Fulci’s finest, and he’s certainly put out much worse than this, but I gotta say I was kind of checking my watch in between the death scenes. For what it’s worth, the death scenes are pretty fantastic. Plenty of appendixes get mutilated throughout the film, and the scene with the man getting eaten by tarantulas was particularly effective (with a massive assist from the sound effects and soundtrack). I may need to watch this one again though, because this felt a bit slow for my tastes. Still, the good scenes will stick with you and overall the slow parts are worth waiting out.
252) Horror Hotel (1960) **: This is a very effective and straight slice of UK black and white horror infused with generous portions of gothic atmosphere. The story goes; a student wants to investigate the history of this spooky old New England town, and bites off more than she can chew. I think it’s her teacher, or boyfriend, or maybe both go in to save her and the whole scene just gets worse. Overall, this is more the type of film where you just sit back and take in the visuals than get caught up in the details of the plot. Good stuff.
251) Exorcisme (1979) ***: This film will forever hold a place in my heart as the flick that turned me on to the genius of Jess Franco. This print I saw was an older bootleg of abysmal quality, but Franco’s power still shines through. Here a deranged priest (played by Franco, of course) thinks the pseudo-Satanic black mass rituals held by a handful of s&m hedonists are the real thing, and he sets out to put an end to their evil…By tying them up nude and killing them. Franco’s reckless zooming and direct approach to the portrayal of kinky sex acts are all present, as well as an overall sense of European sleaze and decadence. A must for fans of Franco and s&m creeps.
299) Fade To Black (1980) *: Corny flick about a kid obsessed with old Hollywood movies who becomes obsessed with this Marilyn Monroe lookalike and eventually slips into complete psychosis and starts killing the people who’ve been mean to him. This would be absolutely unwatchable if it wasn’t for the, uh, “unique” performance of kid playing the psycho.
298) Demon of the Lake AKA Creature from Black Lake (1976) zilch: Oh dear lord, a Legend of Boggy Creek KNOCKOFF? As if the actual Boggy Lake movies aren’t shitty enough? Say it ain’t so! Hicks and bigfoot, a boring combination.
297) Angel of the Night AKA Nattens Angel (1998) *: Danish vampire flick that’s very “90’s” in a bad way. Lots of post-John Woo gunplay, hackneyed dialogue and generally awkward attempt at a big budget “edgy” American film. The ending’s great though (a vampire and an explosion!)
296) Blood Orgy of the She Devils (1972) **: Campy drive in faire. It’s light on the sleeze, but goes overboard on the cheese, so fans of camp, well, already know from the title this is good. Oh, and of course there’s enough Satanic rituals to keep my interest.
295) The Witches (1966) **: Decent Hammer horror about a mysteeeerious town with mysteeerious people doing mysteeerious things. Gee, I wonder if the title of the film might give some glue as to what this mystery might be? Na, as far as the “rural town full of secret creeps” motif goes, this is a good ‘un, and the rituals and stuff at the end all look really cool. I dug it.
294) Vampire Happening (1971) *: Here’s a campy German horror themed sex/comedy that’s not very sexy or funny. Well, okay, there’s lots of T&A, but not really enough for this sort of thing. The cheap Scooby Doo style set design and costumes were actually pretty entertaining, but I like trash. I wouldn’t really suggest this for horndogs, though, who I imagine are the only people who would be drawn to a movie like this.
293) Planet of Blood (1966) **: No, not the Bava flick of the same name, this is a super cheap sci-fi b-movie revolving around a trip to mars, I think, and the sole survivor or an ancient civilization. The astronauts bring her back with them, but uh-oh, she bites! The girl playing the Martian vampire (yes, Martian vampire) is pretty convincing as a femme fatale, and bears a striking resemblance to the alien chick from Mars Attacks. Cheap fun right here, with some surprisingly great moments.
292) Horror Express (1973) **: Pretty cool flick with a great cast of pros (Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas) about a frozen monster on a train who (duh) gets loose and starts not only killing, but smoothing out people’s brains. Yeah, smooth brains. It’s not as I’m making it out to be, though. Like I said, there’s a great cast and some definite left turns for what starts out as a “monster on a train” number.
291) Blood and Roses (1960) ***: Roger Vadim did this number, and I’m no French cinema guy, but Barbarella’s been one of my faves since I was a youth, so I was stoked to check out some more of this guy’s stuff, and even more stoked when I got a lush atmospheric period piece about vampires, and old family secrets and all that. This is some grade A cinema right here that really merits all the hollow criticspeak like “heart wrenching cinematic beauty” and all that.
290) Screaming Skull (1958) *: A recently married husband and wife move into the house where the husband’s ex recently died in. The wife is spooked, of course, and the creepy Maynard Krebs-like gardener doesn’t help matters. Soon enough there’s all the signs of a haunted house, complete with—you guessed it—a screaming skull. The bride has some sort of mental condition, so no one believes her, of course, but you know something’s afoot. Fairly generic but fun old b-movie, not life changing, but you’ll make it through without getting too bored.
289) Dr. Hackenstein (1988) zilch: I was tempted to give this one star ‘cause of Ann Ramsey, but I dunno, I was just bored with this intentionally campy horror/comedy. Three sisters, a mad scientist, a dead wife, who cares. I think the main fault here is there’s just not enough skin. Take a cue from Blood Diner guys.
288) Metamorphosis (1990) *: Here’s a not very bad or good fusion of Chronenberg’s Fly and the Reanimator, without the innovative and over-the-top special effects that made those movies work. As you can guess, there’s an overzealous scientist and his stuffy colleagues that warn him about taking his experiments to far…And of course he listens, acts in a professional and academically ethical manner, and nothing goes wrong at all. Right. There’s still a few grossout moments, and in this age of budget CGI effects, even standard derivative horror FX are a treat for the eyes, but stick to the movies this film’s so obviously borrowing from.
287) Cassandra (1986) *: Forgettable (and I say that because I can barely remember what happened) Aussie psychological number about a girl who has bad dreams. There’s a lot of family drama and blah blah blah. I got all the way through it at least, but obviously spaced out quite a bit.
286) The Dead Zone (1983) ***: Hmm, Stephen King stories bore the living shit out of me, but I worship at the altar of Chronenberg, so what’s a boy to do? Uh, sit back and dig the fucking awesome Christopher Walken performance and get down with the mindless twists you expect from a Stephen King story. The Chronenberg touch doesn’t really shine through on this (except there’s one scene where Walken’s mom dies, and there’s this really brief close-up on her wrists that really drives home the frailty of an old body), but his name’s on the box, and therefore I like it.
285) The Dark (1979) *: Boring movie about a spaceman terrorizing a city with a streak of nighttime murders. BUT, it totally redeems itself with a lengthy finale of the space monster slaying cops with lasers. I mean, yeah, this was pretty mindless and boring, but shit, if you wanna pass on a laser beam cop massacre, be my guest.
284) The Collector (1965) ***: Great movie in the post-Psycho vein (likeable, attractive male sociopath motif). It was really odd how the moments of suspense were when the kidnapper was close to being caught, and not really when the prisoner was close to escaping. The way the relationships develop to the point where neither character can truly love the other, but they both need each other in a weird symbiotic way was brilliant. It seemed like the only times the characters were ever really intimate was when they were in s&m type scenarios, so really it's more a story about roles in relationships as opposed to a love story per se, which is much more interesting/problematic. For a movie about kidnapping a girl and locking her in your basement, this is a pretty deep flick. Highly recommended.
283) Sisters of Death (1977) zilch: A gal accidentally gets killed during a sorority initiation, and for some reason or another all the girls get back together, and the rest basically plays out like a Scooby Doo episode.
282) Splatter: Architects of Fear (1986) **: I think this is a shot-on-video joint, but I’m not 100%. I have to admit I’m a bit biased, as I saw this film as a youth and kind of got all nostalgic watching it again, BUT, at base there is a fairly interesting premise here: it’s a special effects “mockumentary” behind the scenes at a post-apocalyptic amazon vs. mutant movie. The fake movie is just a tool to give the viewer a “behind the scenes” look at how all the “state of the art” special effects are done. It would almost certainly be more entertaining to watch the actual amazon vs. mutant flick, but at 70 minutes, this flick does its job for mindless entertainment. Also, there’s a scene with some A+ T&A(&P!) from a Canadian punker amazon chick. Just throwing that out there.
281) Witchtrap (1989) **: Wow, I actually kept this in my “keep” section? Well, it does have some ace death scenes, which in itself is never enough, but I think what makes this flick appealing is it probably does have some of the worst acting I’ve seen, and if you look around on this list alone, you’ll realize that’s saying a lot. The special effects make the film look like there was at least some budget, but no joke, just about every spoken line is laughable. And of course, as mentioned, there’s decent enough death scenes.
280) To the Devil a Daughter (1976) *: This one has to do with a girl who keeps having weird dreams, and there’s a secret Satanic society involved, and a baby, and…Who cares, in the end this is a hackneyed Rosemary’s Baby/Exorcist mashup, but done with a little too much restraint for my (and most exploitation hounds) taste. Of course there are some heavy anti-religious themes and some adequate Satanic ritual footage, so in the end it’s not a total loss, but don’t sweat this one too much.
279) Hellish Flesh (1977) ****: Yes, I’m giving every Marins film four stars, deal with it. This one doesn’t star Coffin Joe proper, but it’s Marins playing a diabolical scientist type whose wife tries to murder him and deform his face with acid. She’s living it up with her new boy toy, but really, how long do you think that’ll last? I was a little stressed on this one, namely because of its “straight forward” nature, and of course the terrible quality of the print, but fuck, the ending made up for it in spades. At base the plot might not be different than your standard EC revenge story, but if you know anything about Marins, you know he ends everything with an exclamation mark, and this film ended with me and my friend’s mouth wide open in amazement. Another diabolical entry in the Coffin Joe library.
278) The Whip and the Body (1963) **: In theory this is right up my alley. You got your gothic atmosphere, a plot based around a woman being torn between a sadistic (ghost) brother and a “marrying type,” and of course Bava at the helm, but I dunno, this one just didn’t stick with me for some reason. It could have been that I’m watching a bootleg version that may or may not be a sloppy reedit, or maybe I just wasn’t in the mood, but I’m definitely ready to give the film a higher rating if I see a better version down the line. Despite my ambivalent attitude, you still got that great 60’s Bava atmosphere and some interesting themes about the nature of sexual attraction and all that.
277) Ed Gein (2000) *: I think this came on IFC one night, so I gave it a shot. Obviously it’s a shitty straight to video mess based around (duh) Ed Gein. The film tries to, y’know, “take you inside the mind of a killer” and show stuff from his childhood and all that, but ends up just being passably watchable. There’s really not much to comment on either way here.
276) Spirits of the Dead (1968) ***: I guess these are all Poe stories adapted by different French directors. I’m not familiar with the Poe stories, but who cares, these are all great stories/segments in their own right. The first is Vadim, who, as noted previously, I pay particularly close attention to on account of my unrequited love for Barbarella. Hey, this one’s got Jane (and Peter) Fonda as well! The story deals with a decadent countess and her poor cousin. When the cousin won’t partake in the Countess’s hedonism, she sets fire to his barn. Dick move, no? There’s a weird incestuous subplot going on there, and of course lots of wild sets and costumes. The Moule segment focuses around a charismatic and sadistic “bad guy” and a mysterious “good guy” who follows him around and kind of keeps him in check. The scene where the “bad guy” beats Brigit Bardot at cards and proceeds to whip her and humiliate her in front of a small crowd should be of, uh, “interest” to some folks out there. You may have noticed a duality of good and evil theme at play so far, no? That kind of goes out the window with the Fellini bit, which is a wild and visually surreal romp focusing around a junkie English actor in Italy who’s kind of losing it to say the least. I’m no cinema buff, but if this is a fair representation of Fellini’s work, I gotta start going for the highbrow stuff more often, because this is an amazing segment. The acting really draws you into a visually stunning world rife with nihilism and entropy. The last bit steals the show, but every segment here is great.
275) Night of the Seagulls (1975) **: Here’s a cool Amando D’Ossario jam that’s heavy on the atmosphere and has some REALLY cool robbed skeletons. They’re Knights of Templar? It doesn’t really matter. The plot’s somewhat thin and drags at times, but there’re enough good visuals to keep it going.
274) Black Sabbath (1963) ***: Here’s a killer Mario Bava horror anthology hosted by Boris Karloff with a GRAND finale. Seriously, the last scene of the last story is a crusher. Hmmm, this might be my fave Bava flick, actually. Everything great about his flicks are present, especially the lighting.
273) Haunts (1977) n/a: Can’t really remember this one. Lot’s of psychological stuff.
272) Tainted (1988) *: Here’s a weird thriller about a woman whose husband walks in as she’s being raped. Either the husband or wife kills the rapist, then the husband dies of a heart attack, and then the woman thinks she’s done something wrong, so the rest of the movie is her covering her tracks and kind of losing it. It’s that type of flick, which tends to leave me bored. Some nudity to keep you interested, though.
271) Sadist of Notre Dame (1979) ***: This is the more horror oriented version of Exorcisme. You got mock satanic rituals with lots of sex and a sadistic priest who takes the rituals seriously and tries to “purify” the women involved through s&m and murder. It’s classic Jess Franco, who even plays the priest. Expect lots of reckless zooming and kinky imagery. I dig the Excorcisme cut more ‘cause of the extra sex, but this version still works.
270) Q The Winged Serpent (1982) **: Cool claymation dragon let loose in a city. Michael Moriarty plays a ne’er-do-well petty criminal who discovers the serpent’s nest and exploits it to his own ends. Good acting and entertaining characters makes for a watchable flick.
269) Black Sunday (1960) ***: Killer Bava black and white ambiance about a witch coming back and trying to take her lookalike relative’s place. Tons of killer imagery and all the Bava standards you’d expect.
268) Night Angel (1990) *: Here’s a flick about an evil model type who uses her feminine (and demonic) wiles to move up the ranks at a magazine. A few guys get offed along the way, and there’s not really enough death and t&a to keep the story going. It ends with a Clive Barker-esque trip to “hell” that’s not nearly as cool as it should be.
267) Succubus (1968) ***: Here’s a wild Franco bit that’s light on the sex and death and heavy on the avant-garde cinematic technique. You get lots of literary and cultural references and extended dialogue that may seem uncharacteristic for a Jess Franco flick, but adds up for a real wild and surreal experience. This is a really unique experience to be sure.
266) Deadline (1981) **: This is a pretty cool flick about a horror writer pushed into meeting his—you guessed it—deadline who experiences a lot of daydreams of grizzly deaths. The death scenes are surprisingly competent, and this is an overall enjoyable and watchable horror flick. Unfortunately the copy I saw was in EP and really poor quality.
265) I Walked With a Zombie (1943) **: I’m not really familiar with this era of film, but it came on TCM one day and the Roky reference sucked me in. You got a nurse in Africa, a voodoo cult, and you can guess the rest.
264) Devil Rides Out (1968) **: Cool hammer horror joint. The most notable scene for me was when the giant spider (or maybe a scorpion?) tries to attack inside the “circle of protection.” I kind of spaced out for a lot of this flick, but there was some okay Satanic stuff (but not enough).
263) Conqueror Worm (1968) **: This is a cool witch hunting flick with all the standard abused women and corrupt religious figures and all that.
262) Nightmares (1983) *: Oof, Tales from the Darkside style SCHLOCK. The short where Emilio Estevez hustles arcade games and jams Fear and Black Flag are raging. The one about the giant rat? Eh, not so much.
261) Baron of Blood (1972) **: I get this one confused with Black Sunday since they deal with similar motifs (wrongfully killed witch/magician back for revenge), but it’s atmospheric Bava, so dig it.
260) Female Vampire (1973) ***: Hmmm, yes, I do believe this is my favorite Jess Franco film I’ve seen so far. What appeals to me most about Franco’s films is the idiosyncratic and very present cinematic gaze. The lens zooms uncomfortably close, blurs in and out of focus, and what shows up on screen may not always be pretty or slick, but it’s always something REAL and often presents the viewer with something to think about. What’s often the case, and especially in this film, is a focus on the body, and Franco has never shied from getting up close and personal with his subjects. Longtime Franco collaborator Lina Romay plays a silent and seductive vampire who feeds off male blood and semen. As she writhes and entices, the camera never goes for the soft focus approach, and comes uncomfortably close, giving it a very voyeuristic and overall very human quality. When the characters do have their clothes on, Franco shows that he can still lay on some heavy atmosphere and sculpts a very simple but emotive story focusing on the loneliness and endless longing of the vampire. This is an excellent film you can either write off as smut, treat as a think piece about sexuality, film and the male cinematic gaze, or just get sucked into the lurid and lavish atmosphere. Either way, you’ll probably enjoy yourself.
259) Wizard of Gore (1970) **: More HG Lewis insanity. The premise is there’s this magician who creates an illusion of women getting killed (brutally mangled, too) on stage. But then, after they leave the stage they die in real life. This kooky couple of keen teens decides to investigate this pressing matter, and who the hell cares what happens, really. The whole movie is a thinly veiled excuse to show these grizzly (after a fashion) mutilation scenes. Cheap laffs can be had watching the magician guy talk IN A LOUD MAGICIANLY LIKE VOICE whether he’s on stage or off. I will say that HG Lewis really crafted a consistent cheap aesthetic with all his movies, which justifies a lot of the elements that might come off as camp to modern audiences. Trash is seldom done better.
258) Tenebre (1982) ***: I saw the uncut Anchor Bay print and was floored. This is the first Dario Argento flick where I really clicked with what he was doing, which, in the case of Tenebre, is treating the scenes of excessive violence with a certain artistic touch. The story, a crime novelist trying to solve the case of a killer who’s inspired by his works, is secondary, as what will undoubtedly stand out are the death scenes, which involve gushing blood out of her severed hand, a nude decapitation, and plenty of other shockers. But that’s just it, because of the technique Argento applies to the death scenes, they truly do shock and stay with the viewer after the movie finishes. If you’re on the fence about Italian exploitation, or even if you generally dislike the genre, this might just make a convert out of you or at the very least stand as an exception to the rule.
257) Eaten Alive (1980) AKA Mangiati Viva **: This is an UGLY UGLY UGLY Italian cannibal movie (which is code for going to a jungle and filming some f’d up stuff) centering around a Jim Jones like cult. Any story the film might have takes a backseat to the heaps of ridiculous scenes, including multiple rapes, a dong getting cut off, perpetually topless natives, a dildoing, and token sketchy footage of various animals getting chopped up. I’m still REALLY uncomfortable with seeing real animals getting killed for the sake of a terrible low budget movie, and have to keep telling myself it’s stock footage or something. Like I said, this is an UGLY movie, so it’s meant to leave you feeling kind of grossed out by humanity, both the people portrayed in the film and the people who made it/watch it/demand that kind of cinema (yourself included, obviously). I couldn’t decide between an zilch or four stars, so I gave it two, which is the nature of compromise.
256) Forever Evil (1987) **: Some yuppies go to a cabin in the woods, evil spirits kill most of the yuppies and torment the survivor. Okay, not bad, but prepare yourself for 1) a gutted pregnant chick in the shower 2) a dude FLIPPING OFF THE WOODS THEMSELVES after he escapes them, and 3) Pregnant chick ripping a demon baby out of her own belly. Not to shabby or exceptional pre-CGI special effects make for an all around adequate viewing experience.
255) The Haunting of Julia (1977) *: This one’s a supernatural/psychological thriller centering around the fragile psyche of—yep—Julia, played by Mia Farrow. The lady keeps seeing the ghost of a little dead girl which leads to other spooky stuff happening and everyone telling her it’s all in her mind. Well done enough British flick, but this kind of stuff is lost on me.
254) Curse of the Demon (1957) ***: Here’s another one where I can barely remember any details of the plot (something about a skeptical doctor trying to disprove black magic?) but the visuals and general atmosphere really had an impact on me. The bulk of the setting takes place in the UK countryside, so yes, expect fog and shadows a-plenty, a very effective (especially for the time) smoke demon, and a genuinely suspenseful ending. Don’t get your hopes up for cheapo drive-in faire, though, this is a genuinely great film that should appeal to horror and cinema fans alike.
253) The Beyond (1981) **: An above par Fulci joint revolving around 7 gates to hell. This gets a lot of praise as one of Fulci’s finest, and he’s certainly put out much worse than this, but I gotta say I was kind of checking my watch in between the death scenes. For what it’s worth, the death scenes are pretty fantastic. Plenty of appendixes get mutilated throughout the film, and the scene with the man getting eaten by tarantulas was particularly effective (with a massive assist from the sound effects and soundtrack). I may need to watch this one again though, because this felt a bit slow for my tastes. Still, the good scenes will stick with you and overall the slow parts are worth waiting out.
252) Horror Hotel (1960) **: This is a very effective and straight slice of UK black and white horror infused with generous portions of gothic atmosphere. The story goes; a student wants to investigate the history of this spooky old New England town, and bites off more than she can chew. I think it’s her teacher, or boyfriend, or maybe both go in to save her and the whole scene just gets worse. Overall, this is more the type of film where you just sit back and take in the visuals than get caught up in the details of the plot. Good stuff.
251) Exorcisme (1979) ***: This film will forever hold a place in my heart as the flick that turned me on to the genius of Jess Franco. This print I saw was an older bootleg of abysmal quality, but Franco’s power still shines through. Here a deranged priest (played by Franco, of course) thinks the pseudo-Satanic black mass rituals held by a handful of s&m hedonists are the real thing, and he sets out to put an end to their evil…By tying them up nude and killing them. Franco’s reckless zooming and direct approach to the portrayal of kinky sex acts are all present, as well as an overall sense of European sleaze and decadence. A must for fans of Franco and s&m creeps.
2007 Part 3
250) Manhunter (1986) **: It’s unfortunately become impossible to talk about this film without mentioning Silence of the Lambs, and how this was the precursor. That said, there’s a very similar vibe with the two films, in that they’re stylistically straight crime dramas more than horror per se, but the nature of the crime, the grizzly serial killer Hannibal Lector, puts the film into horror territory. This might not have the full blown star power and iconic status as Silence of the Lambs, but everything you can get from that film you can find here, and damnit this was first! This is definitely a solid film in its own right, though it might play a little bit “adult” for horror fans. And holy shit, the Iron Butterfly scene at the end, can I get a witness?
249) Crystal Force (1992) **: This is a surprisingly entertaining low budget “don’t mess with the supernatural” type flick. There’s lot of spinning pentagrams, skin, and a demon. Vista Entertainment felt that’s all they needed to keep me entertained, and they were right.
248) Tomb of Torture (1963) **: Atomsphere, atmosphere, atmosphere, that’s what this film has going for it. Castles, freaks, shadows, monsters, beauties…you think Bava was the only guy working in Italy in the 60’s who was doing this stuff? Then watch this.
247) Lord of Illusions (1995) *: This is a pretty straight mainstream flick with the feel of an attempt at capturing the essence of an old “hard boiled detective story” with the (kind of trite) Clive Barker supernatural stuff crammed in. Convincing? Not quite, but the attempt is made. Another fine example of how filmmakers were kind of stabbing wildly at making anything in the post-slasher/pre-Scream antebellum period. Expect lots of adults acting VERY SERIOUS and some decent special effects.
246) Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997) zilch: Ugh, who fucking knows what’s going on with this one. Bored be to the point of not paying a second of attention.
245) Mortuary (1981) **: Adequate Vestron joint about the school creep who works at the family morgue and also kills ladies. It’s a “teen” flick with lots of actors well past their high school years, but as far as 80’s slashers go, this does its job.
244) The Crazies (1973) *: For a Romero film from this era this one really didn’t do much for me. This just seemed like a fairly run of the mill government spawned chemical plague flick to me with lots of dudes running around in those CDC outfits. It does have that crazy Dark Crystal looking chick from Shivers, though.
243) Waxwork (1988) **: Here’s a pretty corny but basically watchable flick about a spooky wax museum that sucks you into the time of the exhibit if you step behind the velvet rope. I can’t remember all the scenarios the dopey teenagers get sucked into, but I know the one with Marquis De Sade is particularly laughable. The ending where all the exhibits come to life and battle an angry mob is CLASSIC.
242) Trauma AKA Enigma Rosso (1978) *:Here’s a good Italian giallo centering around a murder at a girl’s school. Don’t’ worry, this film captures the essence of the girl’s school experience with an extended shower scene. You get plenty of those quality giallo deaths including (I think) a dildoing? Pretty gritty stuff, but I’m generally just twiddling my thumbs watching these movies, waiting for the sex and death.
241) Brides of the Beast (1968) *: Here’s a standard monster flick filmed in the Philippines. You got tribal folks, a rubber suit monster, jungle sacrifice, all the clichés. Makes for an entertaining enough watch, though.
240) Demons 2 (1986) **: One of the more palatable Lamberto Bava flicks, this one’s definitely propelled by the decent death scenes and a vague attempt at a “goth” soundtrack. Overall watchable.
239) Blood Frenzy (1987) **: Here’s a pretty by the books slasher about a bunch of nuts who go out to the desert on some sort of group therapy thing. Everybody has a separate dysfunction, so I don’t know why everyone’s going together, but they are, and they start to get killed. A low budget makes this “for genre fans only,” but fans of 80’s slasher won’t be disappointed (or particularly blown away)
238) Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface (2002) *: Here’s a zilch budget for-the-fans-by-the-fans slasher. The acting’s terrible, the sound’s bad, uh, everything’s bad, but there’s still an undeniable charm in a bunch of friends getting a digital camera and just going for it.
237) Junior (1985) **: Ah yes, the rural creeps, one of my absolute favorite horror motifs. This time you got some females trying to get away from an urban nightmare only to be confronted by…CREEPS! RURAL CREEPS! You got a skeptical sheriff, the sympathetic handyman, and a handful of perpetually leering good ol’ boys, and of course, Junior. Now, don’t expect the brutality of I Spit On Your Grave or anything, but there’s a fair amount of skin and compromising positions of the two young ladies to keep your interest if you’re a fan of that sort of thing.
236) Monster in the Closet (1987) **: I don’t usually go in for these campy Troma bits, but for some reason this one was just thoroughly entertaining all the way through. Here you got this “closet monster,” which kind of looks like a giant rubber suit turd, who’s inexplicably indestructible, and the motley crew of an old scientist and underdog journalist who have to find a way to stop the beast. This is more along the lines of a parody, but the film consistently ups the ante on ridiculousness all the way through, and what can I say, it kept my interest.
235) Vengeance of the Dead (2001) *: Okay, this sucks, no doubt, BUT, it’s great because the lead has this very, uh, EFFIMINATE quality to his voice, dig? Real lispy and all that, right? But they try to put him in this position as like, a farm raised masculine country boy, and try to give him all these rustic lines, but, y’know, he has this sissy voice so he butchers it every time. I mean, it’s not his fault, it’s just funny that he was the best these guys could find and they try to barrel through the movie like no one notices. Basically, this kid comes back home, and there’s this spirit who possesses him to kill people. It’s way boring, though. I would say the film’s wholly unredeeming, but again, you got Lispy McLispington making for a total headscratcher.
234) Exorcist II The Heritic (1977) *: I don’t remember much about this aside from being bored most of the time. There’s some talk of an African demon and some locust scenes, but if you want more Exorcist action stick to a schlocky Italian knockoff.
233) Schizo (1976) n/a: I know I sat through this, but remember nothing
232) Basket Case (1982) **: Very cool low budget joint shot in New York. It’s gritty, it’s kind of cheesy, and it’s a total party flick. Everyone’s seen this, right? It’s the one about a dude with a freaky foam monster in a basket? Okay, good, moving on.
231) Ghosts that Still Walk (1977) zilch: this has the distinguished honor of being perhaps THE most boring film I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration either, I honestly can’t remember watching a movie and hoping it would end more than when I was watching this. I can’t even tell you what happens. There’s like, a kid, and he’s having issues, and for about two hours there’s these old people driving aimlessly through the desert…Seriously, I cannot describe the torture I felt watching this film. Oh, I’ve seen worse, much worse, I’m sure, but more boring? Not that I can recall. Now, it might have just been the mood I was in, I can’t say for certain, but I’m not about to watch this again to find out.
230) CHUD (1984) **: Seminal 80’s flick about sewer monsters eating homeless people and the corrupt city officials who do nothing to stop them. Daniel Stern will probably stick out to anyone of my generation because of his role in Home Alone. This is a watchable flick and all, but didn’t leave much of an impact on me.
229) Legend of the Werewolf (1975) **: Hammer-esque flick about—you guessed it—a werewolf who settles down in the worst town ever! Seriously, all there is is a terrible zoo, a “house of ill repute” and a cop. Unfamiliar with human law and being of the werewolf persuasion and thus unsuited for the job of prostitute, he decides to tend to the wolves at the terrible, terrible zoo. Straight life doesn’t last our protagonist long though, and you can imagine the rest. These period pieces can be deadly boring sometimes, but this’ll keep your interest.
228) Murderer’s Keep (1970) *: Deaf/Mute girl witnesses a murder. Soul brother tries to teach deaf/mute girl to talk. The murderers in question don’t want this to happen. Hijinks ensue. Lots of good gritty old NY footage, which I like in any movie, but entertainingly bad acting aside, this one moves kind of slow.
227) The Boneyard (1991) ***: Weird weird weird weird WEIRD freaking movie. Basically, there’s some psychic chick and a cop and a menagerie of other weirdoes stuck in a morgue (“the boneyard”) late at night, and these super creepy dead kids turn into ghouls and start terrorizing the place. What’s so weird about that? Well, these kids are legitimately freaking TERRIFYING, like, absolutely gross little creatures, and totally convincing horror movie monsters. Again, not weird, but about midway through the film, they do a complete 180 and bust out a giant zombie Phyllis Diller (!) or “Ms. Poopenplatz” (!!!) as she’s called in the film, and then get even MORE ridiculous and get a freakin’ poodle involved in the mix….Basically, this starts out like, I dunno, The Ring or something, like, genuinely creepy (moreso than a lot of flicks that try a lot harder…Such as The Ring, for instance), and then verge off into campy/gory Dead Alive territory. Of course this predates both films. I assure you, you will not be able to stop watching this film once you start.
226) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978) **: Woah, a film where Jeff Goldblum is having things explained to him rather than him explaining abstract theories to other people? How times change…This is an entertaining enough film though. More sci-fi than horror (duh), but I haven’t seen the original so I don’t have much I can compare it to, and thus won’t spend too much time on this one.
225) Blood Legacy (1971) *: One word: NECKERCHIEFS; this flick has ‘em to spare. Also there’s some room with a bunch of nazi stuff that includes a totally absurd “lampshade.” Ugh, and a total groan inducing ending. Oh, what’s the film about? A dad dies and has a bunch of kids spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance. Yeah, it goes there. I think when I die I’ll put something in my will about everyone having to spend a night in my room to get all my worldly possessions. There won’t be anything spooky set up, I just think that’d be funny.
224) Wolf (1994) **: Big budget werewolf flick with some real actors in it makes for an overall watchable flick. It’s similar to the Fly in that the transformation starts off good for the character, but goes awry. It’s not like, 1/10 as gross as the Fly though, but what’s that mean, really? Take away the Hollywood factor and you’d have a pretty dull flick, but any excuse to watch Jack Nicholson be cool on screen for an hour and a half is good enough for me. That this one happens to involve a werewolf is all the better.
223) Hatchet for a Honeymoon (1970) n/a: I spaced out during this one. I have to rewatch it before I’ll have anything remotely worth saying about it.
222) Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) *: Paul Naschy horror flick revolving about some burned witches coming back and messing with the ancestors of the people who burned them. If you’re into period pieces this is pretty watchable, otherwise, watch out. Highlight of this for me was that this was the “Greatest Film Classics” version. Best fucking name for a shitty video company ever!
221) Dr. Blood’s Coffin (1961) *: Fairly standard mad scientist piece here about bringing back a dead wife and yadda yadda yadda. Nothing really extraordinary here, but there’s some good dialogue where the scientist guy starts talking about good and evil and all that.
220) Eyeball AKA Gatti Rossi in un Labirinto di Vetro (1978) **: The setup? A bunch of tourists get knocked off one by one by a killer who plucks out their eyes before they die. Lots of gratuitous gore and nudity (including the pinup worthy East Indian Ines Pellegrini who plays a model/lesbian [though not a model lesbian]) and everything else you’d expect from a ‘70s giallo.
219) Poor Pretty Eddie (1975) ***: Eeeeew, more rural creeps! This one has a weird race factor thrown in for good measure. Basically a semi-famous black female singer breaks down in good ol’ boys ville and becomes the object of affection for our title character. Rape is always imminent for our female protagonist, and if it’s not the rape it’s the threat of violence from the big girl Pretty Eddie goes to when nothing better comes around. This is a really convincing and engaging slice of exploitation right here, and there’s some pretty decent social commentary about race relations without getting too heavy handed. I definitely gotta recommend this one, though I wouldn’t call it a horror movie proper.
218) Pulse (1988) zilch: Man, there was a big drive in the 80’s to FREAK PEOPLE OUT about their houses. I guess when the culture gets more materialistic, horror film makers just have to make people scared of their material. This time around, it’s not so much your house, but the electricity in your house. Yeah, it’ll get you, watch out. Really, this is a fine and normal movie, but fuck, I get so bored watching these types of movies, and any horror movie with a kid as a main character starts out with a big hurdle to overcome (which this never does).
217) Nightmare In Wax (1969) **: Most any horror flick involving a wax museum can be way tedious, but this one’s pretty good. You got your Hollywood wax museum with “ultra realistic” wax sculptures. Only thing is, the eccentric who runs the place gets the statues, and then the celebrities mysteriously disappear. What could be the cause of these missing Hollywood celebs? Could there POSSIBLY be a connection to this cape wearing eye patch guy who runs the wax museum? Yeah, so you’re ten steps ahead of the plot, who cares, it’s a total drive-in flick complete with gawdy colors golly-gee type teens.
216) Visiting Hours (1982) *: Odd flick about a misogynist and racist and general nogoodnic who stalks this vocal liberal female reporter or something, puts her in the hospital, then basically spends the rest of the movie trying to finish the job (and slicing a few others up along the way). I don’t think the flick’s as suspenseful as the filmmakers think it is, but it’s not boring, which is the downfall of many a “thriller.”
215) Poltergeist II (1986) *: This house will not leave these poor people alone! Hey, how did they cast for these movies? Like “Attention: Are people afraid to look at you? Are you a legitimately horrifying person to be around just because you look like a ghoul without any makeup on? Well, we want to put you in the movies!” Seriously, some creepy looking mofos up in this piece.
214) Day of the Triffids (1962) *: Really cheapo drive-in sci-fi faire. This really isn’t my thing, but I’m sure genre fans will be pleased.
213) Fury of the Wolfman (1972) **: Paul Nachsy flick about—you guessed it—a Wolfman! Lots of mad scientists and other kooks thrown in for good measure. Also a pretty good run where the Wolfman just flips out and starts wrecking stuff in town. Wolfman’s kind of a jerk.
212) House of Psychotic Women (1973) *: Just to clarify, a House of Psychotic women consists of just 3 women, and they’re not psychotic so much as kinda slutty. Just wanted to clarify that for you. Basically some excon wanders the country side then gets mixed up with these dizzy dames, and the rest you can figure out. Oh, and this is on “World’s Worst Videos,” which may or may not be a division of “Greatest Film Classics.”
211) The Fly (1986) ***: Absolutely essential Cronenberg grossout revolving around Jeff Goldblum’s scientific misstep which fuses his body with that of a fly. Things start out good for our boy, but quickly go to pot. This is essentially a “don’t fool with mother nature” slick looking sci-fi deal, but it’s Cronenberg’s familiarity and obsession with the boundaries of what can be done to the physical body that makes this so impactful. Like, there’s general sci-fi gross, and there’s this flick which will make you wince, turn away from the screen, and gave moments of genuine disgust. It’s shots like when Goldblum’s fingers start falling off when he’s typing that makes this film so effective, because there Cronenberg’s taken something fantastic, a human turning into a fly, and brought in something familiar to give the audience a reference point. This is a stone cold solid classic that won’t hurt to watch at least once a year.
210) Crucible of Terror (1971) zilch: Alright, I saw this flick was about an artist who kills models and I was hoping for a ‘70’s version of one of my favorite horror flicks “A Bucket of Blood.” I was kind of off base with that. Way off base. I guess this is kind of what Driller Killer would be like if it was set on an English countryside instead of ‘70’s New York, there was no punk, or drills, or raging. Really shitty shit.
209) Subspecies 4 (1998) n/a: I don’t remember much of this one. I know it takes place in Romania and is chock full of Full Moon style schlock. Expect plenty of 90’s vampire melodrama, too. Not much I can say beyond that, though.
208) Orgy of the Dead (1966) **: Well, it’s a thinly veiled skin flick by Ed Wood revolving around a bunch of va-va-voom babes dancing in a graveyard for the delight of Criswell and Vampira while some “nifty” teens from the “other 60’s” watch the spectacle unfold. The Wolfman and Mummy show up at some point and….? I actually found myself pretty entertained. I know Ed Wood’s sort of the mainstream’s whipping boy for low budget schlock, but if you’re a fan of cheap graveyards, fog, monsters and nekkid ladies, this film actually has a lot of really cool imagery if you can get past the camp factor.
207) In Dreams (1999) zilch: Kind of a suspense thriller where a chick sees something but no one believes her, and then it turns out she was right. What is it with all these kinds of movies? Like, what’s that Jodie Foster flick where she loses her daughter on a plane, but no one believes her? And didn’t Sandra Boooolock have a flick like that recently too? I don’t even know if this counts as a horror movie, but whatever.
206) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) ***: Here’s a no brainer stone cold classic that’s impossible to deny. Generally when I use the word “atmosphere” in relation to a horror film I’m talking about a European gothic aesthetic of shadows and fog, a tradition held in place from Nosferatu on. But in TCM there’s an atmosphere just as brooding as any European castle can muster up, and it’s distinctly American, focusing specifically on capturing the bizarre effect of finding yourself in a strange rural part of the country. Yes, this is the Citizen Kane of rural creep flicks and a fully realized anticipation of the 80’s slasher. The plot is essentially transparent, focusing on a van of teenagers up to no good poking around old houses where they shouldn’t and awakening the wrath of leatherface’s fam, but what makes the movie so transfixing is the graininess and raw grit of the film which adds to the “based on real events” setup in the beginning of the film, and a soundtrack of industrial farm equipment and AM radio which establishes a truly disturbing tone, to the point where by the time all the taxidermy and chainsaw killings come in to play, they almost feel superfluous. I really feel it’s the tone and atmosphere which makes TCM canon and equally low budget gorefests snooze-worthy.
205) Land of the Dead (2005) zilch: Slick looking videogame bullshit. I guess this is good enough to keep your eyes on screen for an hour and change, but I walked away from this with nothing. Because Romero’s at the helm I want to make excuses and think at least he addressed the subject of class in the same sort of way his older movies looked at race, authority, consumerism, etc…But no, I’m not giving in! This is as much a horror movie as Transformers, but at least Transformers is comfortable in its “big budget dummy Hollywood movie” status, and not pandering (while simultaneously betraying) genre fans.
204) The Nesting (1981) zilch: Okay, writer chick suffering from agoraphobia splits for the countryside. Uh oh, should have specified that you didn’t want the house that’s a HaUnTeD!!!! I dunno, typical haunted house/fragile female psyche fare. What was with all these?
203) Night of the Living Dead (1968) ****: I’m trying to find the words to describe this, and I’m coming up short. In essence, it has everything I seek out in horror films: allegory, social commentary, and a completely independent and idiosyncratic artistic vision devoid of pretension. And, to top it off, even if you put all that aside, you still have an “entertaining” film that’s beautiful to watch and completely fulfils its duty as a “genre piece.” Yep, it’s a masterpiece, but you already knew that, so moving on…
202) Omen II (1978) **: This is actually a really respectful sequel, and basically does what any good sequal SHOULD do, which is follow up on loose ends introduced in the first film. Basically, if you watched the Omen and want to know what happens next, here ‘tis, nothing more, nothing less. Well, I guess a little more, as the soundtrack and story are all above par, but you get my drift.
201) Premonition (2004) *: Not a particularly notable modern day j-horror. I think this must have just came on TV one day, ‘cause I can’t imagine I’d put effort into seeing this. Also, can’t say I remember much about this outside of a guy who sees the future from reading newspapers, and then has to come to grips with whether or not he wants to keep reading them. Shit, maybe I fell asleep before the end, ‘cause I can’t remember what happened after that. Regardless, this isn’t really my style, so it’s not like I’d have a whole lot so say regardless.
249) Crystal Force (1992) **: This is a surprisingly entertaining low budget “don’t mess with the supernatural” type flick. There’s lot of spinning pentagrams, skin, and a demon. Vista Entertainment felt that’s all they needed to keep me entertained, and they were right.
248) Tomb of Torture (1963) **: Atomsphere, atmosphere, atmosphere, that’s what this film has going for it. Castles, freaks, shadows, monsters, beauties…you think Bava was the only guy working in Italy in the 60’s who was doing this stuff? Then watch this.
247) Lord of Illusions (1995) *: This is a pretty straight mainstream flick with the feel of an attempt at capturing the essence of an old “hard boiled detective story” with the (kind of trite) Clive Barker supernatural stuff crammed in. Convincing? Not quite, but the attempt is made. Another fine example of how filmmakers were kind of stabbing wildly at making anything in the post-slasher/pre-Scream antebellum period. Expect lots of adults acting VERY SERIOUS and some decent special effects.
246) Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997) zilch: Ugh, who fucking knows what’s going on with this one. Bored be to the point of not paying a second of attention.
245) Mortuary (1981) **: Adequate Vestron joint about the school creep who works at the family morgue and also kills ladies. It’s a “teen” flick with lots of actors well past their high school years, but as far as 80’s slashers go, this does its job.
244) The Crazies (1973) *: For a Romero film from this era this one really didn’t do much for me. This just seemed like a fairly run of the mill government spawned chemical plague flick to me with lots of dudes running around in those CDC outfits. It does have that crazy Dark Crystal looking chick from Shivers, though.
243) Waxwork (1988) **: Here’s a pretty corny but basically watchable flick about a spooky wax museum that sucks you into the time of the exhibit if you step behind the velvet rope. I can’t remember all the scenarios the dopey teenagers get sucked into, but I know the one with Marquis De Sade is particularly laughable. The ending where all the exhibits come to life and battle an angry mob is CLASSIC.
242) Trauma AKA Enigma Rosso (1978) *:Here’s a good Italian giallo centering around a murder at a girl’s school. Don’t’ worry, this film captures the essence of the girl’s school experience with an extended shower scene. You get plenty of those quality giallo deaths including (I think) a dildoing? Pretty gritty stuff, but I’m generally just twiddling my thumbs watching these movies, waiting for the sex and death.
241) Brides of the Beast (1968) *: Here’s a standard monster flick filmed in the Philippines. You got tribal folks, a rubber suit monster, jungle sacrifice, all the clichés. Makes for an entertaining enough watch, though.
240) Demons 2 (1986) **: One of the more palatable Lamberto Bava flicks, this one’s definitely propelled by the decent death scenes and a vague attempt at a “goth” soundtrack. Overall watchable.
239) Blood Frenzy (1987) **: Here’s a pretty by the books slasher about a bunch of nuts who go out to the desert on some sort of group therapy thing. Everybody has a separate dysfunction, so I don’t know why everyone’s going together, but they are, and they start to get killed. A low budget makes this “for genre fans only,” but fans of 80’s slasher won’t be disappointed (or particularly blown away)
238) Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface (2002) *: Here’s a zilch budget for-the-fans-by-the-fans slasher. The acting’s terrible, the sound’s bad, uh, everything’s bad, but there’s still an undeniable charm in a bunch of friends getting a digital camera and just going for it.
237) Junior (1985) **: Ah yes, the rural creeps, one of my absolute favorite horror motifs. This time you got some females trying to get away from an urban nightmare only to be confronted by…CREEPS! RURAL CREEPS! You got a skeptical sheriff, the sympathetic handyman, and a handful of perpetually leering good ol’ boys, and of course, Junior. Now, don’t expect the brutality of I Spit On Your Grave or anything, but there’s a fair amount of skin and compromising positions of the two young ladies to keep your interest if you’re a fan of that sort of thing.
236) Monster in the Closet (1987) **: I don’t usually go in for these campy Troma bits, but for some reason this one was just thoroughly entertaining all the way through. Here you got this “closet monster,” which kind of looks like a giant rubber suit turd, who’s inexplicably indestructible, and the motley crew of an old scientist and underdog journalist who have to find a way to stop the beast. This is more along the lines of a parody, but the film consistently ups the ante on ridiculousness all the way through, and what can I say, it kept my interest.
235) Vengeance of the Dead (2001) *: Okay, this sucks, no doubt, BUT, it’s great because the lead has this very, uh, EFFIMINATE quality to his voice, dig? Real lispy and all that, right? But they try to put him in this position as like, a farm raised masculine country boy, and try to give him all these rustic lines, but, y’know, he has this sissy voice so he butchers it every time. I mean, it’s not his fault, it’s just funny that he was the best these guys could find and they try to barrel through the movie like no one notices. Basically, this kid comes back home, and there’s this spirit who possesses him to kill people. It’s way boring, though. I would say the film’s wholly unredeeming, but again, you got Lispy McLispington making for a total headscratcher.
234) Exorcist II The Heritic (1977) *: I don’t remember much about this aside from being bored most of the time. There’s some talk of an African demon and some locust scenes, but if you want more Exorcist action stick to a schlocky Italian knockoff.
233) Schizo (1976) n/a: I know I sat through this, but remember nothing
232) Basket Case (1982) **: Very cool low budget joint shot in New York. It’s gritty, it’s kind of cheesy, and it’s a total party flick. Everyone’s seen this, right? It’s the one about a dude with a freaky foam monster in a basket? Okay, good, moving on.
231) Ghosts that Still Walk (1977) zilch: this has the distinguished honor of being perhaps THE most boring film I’ve ever seen. No exaggeration either, I honestly can’t remember watching a movie and hoping it would end more than when I was watching this. I can’t even tell you what happens. There’s like, a kid, and he’s having issues, and for about two hours there’s these old people driving aimlessly through the desert…Seriously, I cannot describe the torture I felt watching this film. Oh, I’ve seen worse, much worse, I’m sure, but more boring? Not that I can recall. Now, it might have just been the mood I was in, I can’t say for certain, but I’m not about to watch this again to find out.
230) CHUD (1984) **: Seminal 80’s flick about sewer monsters eating homeless people and the corrupt city officials who do nothing to stop them. Daniel Stern will probably stick out to anyone of my generation because of his role in Home Alone. This is a watchable flick and all, but didn’t leave much of an impact on me.
229) Legend of the Werewolf (1975) **: Hammer-esque flick about—you guessed it—a werewolf who settles down in the worst town ever! Seriously, all there is is a terrible zoo, a “house of ill repute” and a cop. Unfamiliar with human law and being of the werewolf persuasion and thus unsuited for the job of prostitute, he decides to tend to the wolves at the terrible, terrible zoo. Straight life doesn’t last our protagonist long though, and you can imagine the rest. These period pieces can be deadly boring sometimes, but this’ll keep your interest.
228) Murderer’s Keep (1970) *: Deaf/Mute girl witnesses a murder. Soul brother tries to teach deaf/mute girl to talk. The murderers in question don’t want this to happen. Hijinks ensue. Lots of good gritty old NY footage, which I like in any movie, but entertainingly bad acting aside, this one moves kind of slow.
227) The Boneyard (1991) ***: Weird weird weird weird WEIRD freaking movie. Basically, there’s some psychic chick and a cop and a menagerie of other weirdoes stuck in a morgue (“the boneyard”) late at night, and these super creepy dead kids turn into ghouls and start terrorizing the place. What’s so weird about that? Well, these kids are legitimately freaking TERRIFYING, like, absolutely gross little creatures, and totally convincing horror movie monsters. Again, not weird, but about midway through the film, they do a complete 180 and bust out a giant zombie Phyllis Diller (!) or “Ms. Poopenplatz” (!!!) as she’s called in the film, and then get even MORE ridiculous and get a freakin’ poodle involved in the mix….Basically, this starts out like, I dunno, The Ring or something, like, genuinely creepy (moreso than a lot of flicks that try a lot harder…Such as The Ring, for instance), and then verge off into campy/gory Dead Alive territory. Of course this predates both films. I assure you, you will not be able to stop watching this film once you start.
226) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978) **: Woah, a film where Jeff Goldblum is having things explained to him rather than him explaining abstract theories to other people? How times change…This is an entertaining enough film though. More sci-fi than horror (duh), but I haven’t seen the original so I don’t have much I can compare it to, and thus won’t spend too much time on this one.
225) Blood Legacy (1971) *: One word: NECKERCHIEFS; this flick has ‘em to spare. Also there’s some room with a bunch of nazi stuff that includes a totally absurd “lampshade.” Ugh, and a total groan inducing ending. Oh, what’s the film about? A dad dies and has a bunch of kids spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance. Yeah, it goes there. I think when I die I’ll put something in my will about everyone having to spend a night in my room to get all my worldly possessions. There won’t be anything spooky set up, I just think that’d be funny.
224) Wolf (1994) **: Big budget werewolf flick with some real actors in it makes for an overall watchable flick. It’s similar to the Fly in that the transformation starts off good for the character, but goes awry. It’s not like, 1/10 as gross as the Fly though, but what’s that mean, really? Take away the Hollywood factor and you’d have a pretty dull flick, but any excuse to watch Jack Nicholson be cool on screen for an hour and a half is good enough for me. That this one happens to involve a werewolf is all the better.
223) Hatchet for a Honeymoon (1970) n/a: I spaced out during this one. I have to rewatch it before I’ll have anything remotely worth saying about it.
222) Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) *: Paul Naschy horror flick revolving about some burned witches coming back and messing with the ancestors of the people who burned them. If you’re into period pieces this is pretty watchable, otherwise, watch out. Highlight of this for me was that this was the “Greatest Film Classics” version. Best fucking name for a shitty video company ever!
221) Dr. Blood’s Coffin (1961) *: Fairly standard mad scientist piece here about bringing back a dead wife and yadda yadda yadda. Nothing really extraordinary here, but there’s some good dialogue where the scientist guy starts talking about good and evil and all that.
220) Eyeball AKA Gatti Rossi in un Labirinto di Vetro (1978) **: The setup? A bunch of tourists get knocked off one by one by a killer who plucks out their eyes before they die. Lots of gratuitous gore and nudity (including the pinup worthy East Indian Ines Pellegrini who plays a model/lesbian [though not a model lesbian]) and everything else you’d expect from a ‘70s giallo.
219) Poor Pretty Eddie (1975) ***: Eeeeew, more rural creeps! This one has a weird race factor thrown in for good measure. Basically a semi-famous black female singer breaks down in good ol’ boys ville and becomes the object of affection for our title character. Rape is always imminent for our female protagonist, and if it’s not the rape it’s the threat of violence from the big girl Pretty Eddie goes to when nothing better comes around. This is a really convincing and engaging slice of exploitation right here, and there’s some pretty decent social commentary about race relations without getting too heavy handed. I definitely gotta recommend this one, though I wouldn’t call it a horror movie proper.
218) Pulse (1988) zilch: Man, there was a big drive in the 80’s to FREAK PEOPLE OUT about their houses. I guess when the culture gets more materialistic, horror film makers just have to make people scared of their material. This time around, it’s not so much your house, but the electricity in your house. Yeah, it’ll get you, watch out. Really, this is a fine and normal movie, but fuck, I get so bored watching these types of movies, and any horror movie with a kid as a main character starts out with a big hurdle to overcome (which this never does).
217) Nightmare In Wax (1969) **: Most any horror flick involving a wax museum can be way tedious, but this one’s pretty good. You got your Hollywood wax museum with “ultra realistic” wax sculptures. Only thing is, the eccentric who runs the place gets the statues, and then the celebrities mysteriously disappear. What could be the cause of these missing Hollywood celebs? Could there POSSIBLY be a connection to this cape wearing eye patch guy who runs the wax museum? Yeah, so you’re ten steps ahead of the plot, who cares, it’s a total drive-in flick complete with gawdy colors golly-gee type teens.
216) Visiting Hours (1982) *: Odd flick about a misogynist and racist and general nogoodnic who stalks this vocal liberal female reporter or something, puts her in the hospital, then basically spends the rest of the movie trying to finish the job (and slicing a few others up along the way). I don’t think the flick’s as suspenseful as the filmmakers think it is, but it’s not boring, which is the downfall of many a “thriller.”
215) Poltergeist II (1986) *: This house will not leave these poor people alone! Hey, how did they cast for these movies? Like “Attention: Are people afraid to look at you? Are you a legitimately horrifying person to be around just because you look like a ghoul without any makeup on? Well, we want to put you in the movies!” Seriously, some creepy looking mofos up in this piece.
214) Day of the Triffids (1962) *: Really cheapo drive-in sci-fi faire. This really isn’t my thing, but I’m sure genre fans will be pleased.
213) Fury of the Wolfman (1972) **: Paul Nachsy flick about—you guessed it—a Wolfman! Lots of mad scientists and other kooks thrown in for good measure. Also a pretty good run where the Wolfman just flips out and starts wrecking stuff in town. Wolfman’s kind of a jerk.
212) House of Psychotic Women (1973) *: Just to clarify, a House of Psychotic women consists of just 3 women, and they’re not psychotic so much as kinda slutty. Just wanted to clarify that for you. Basically some excon wanders the country side then gets mixed up with these dizzy dames, and the rest you can figure out. Oh, and this is on “World’s Worst Videos,” which may or may not be a division of “Greatest Film Classics.”
211) The Fly (1986) ***: Absolutely essential Cronenberg grossout revolving around Jeff Goldblum’s scientific misstep which fuses his body with that of a fly. Things start out good for our boy, but quickly go to pot. This is essentially a “don’t fool with mother nature” slick looking sci-fi deal, but it’s Cronenberg’s familiarity and obsession with the boundaries of what can be done to the physical body that makes this so impactful. Like, there’s general sci-fi gross, and there’s this flick which will make you wince, turn away from the screen, and gave moments of genuine disgust. It’s shots like when Goldblum’s fingers start falling off when he’s typing that makes this film so effective, because there Cronenberg’s taken something fantastic, a human turning into a fly, and brought in something familiar to give the audience a reference point. This is a stone cold solid classic that won’t hurt to watch at least once a year.
210) Crucible of Terror (1971) zilch: Alright, I saw this flick was about an artist who kills models and I was hoping for a ‘70’s version of one of my favorite horror flicks “A Bucket of Blood.” I was kind of off base with that. Way off base. I guess this is kind of what Driller Killer would be like if it was set on an English countryside instead of ‘70’s New York, there was no punk, or drills, or raging. Really shitty shit.
209) Subspecies 4 (1998) n/a: I don’t remember much of this one. I know it takes place in Romania and is chock full of Full Moon style schlock. Expect plenty of 90’s vampire melodrama, too. Not much I can say beyond that, though.
208) Orgy of the Dead (1966) **: Well, it’s a thinly veiled skin flick by Ed Wood revolving around a bunch of va-va-voom babes dancing in a graveyard for the delight of Criswell and Vampira while some “nifty” teens from the “other 60’s” watch the spectacle unfold. The Wolfman and Mummy show up at some point and….? I actually found myself pretty entertained. I know Ed Wood’s sort of the mainstream’s whipping boy for low budget schlock, but if you’re a fan of cheap graveyards, fog, monsters and nekkid ladies, this film actually has a lot of really cool imagery if you can get past the camp factor.
207) In Dreams (1999) zilch: Kind of a suspense thriller where a chick sees something but no one believes her, and then it turns out she was right. What is it with all these kinds of movies? Like, what’s that Jodie Foster flick where she loses her daughter on a plane, but no one believes her? And didn’t Sandra Boooolock have a flick like that recently too? I don’t even know if this counts as a horror movie, but whatever.
206) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) ***: Here’s a no brainer stone cold classic that’s impossible to deny. Generally when I use the word “atmosphere” in relation to a horror film I’m talking about a European gothic aesthetic of shadows and fog, a tradition held in place from Nosferatu on. But in TCM there’s an atmosphere just as brooding as any European castle can muster up, and it’s distinctly American, focusing specifically on capturing the bizarre effect of finding yourself in a strange rural part of the country. Yes, this is the Citizen Kane of rural creep flicks and a fully realized anticipation of the 80’s slasher. The plot is essentially transparent, focusing on a van of teenagers up to no good poking around old houses where they shouldn’t and awakening the wrath of leatherface’s fam, but what makes the movie so transfixing is the graininess and raw grit of the film which adds to the “based on real events” setup in the beginning of the film, and a soundtrack of industrial farm equipment and AM radio which establishes a truly disturbing tone, to the point where by the time all the taxidermy and chainsaw killings come in to play, they almost feel superfluous. I really feel it’s the tone and atmosphere which makes TCM canon and equally low budget gorefests snooze-worthy.
205) Land of the Dead (2005) zilch: Slick looking videogame bullshit. I guess this is good enough to keep your eyes on screen for an hour and change, but I walked away from this with nothing. Because Romero’s at the helm I want to make excuses and think at least he addressed the subject of class in the same sort of way his older movies looked at race, authority, consumerism, etc…But no, I’m not giving in! This is as much a horror movie as Transformers, but at least Transformers is comfortable in its “big budget dummy Hollywood movie” status, and not pandering (while simultaneously betraying) genre fans.
204) The Nesting (1981) zilch: Okay, writer chick suffering from agoraphobia splits for the countryside. Uh oh, should have specified that you didn’t want the house that’s a HaUnTeD!!!! I dunno, typical haunted house/fragile female psyche fare. What was with all these?
203) Night of the Living Dead (1968) ****: I’m trying to find the words to describe this, and I’m coming up short. In essence, it has everything I seek out in horror films: allegory, social commentary, and a completely independent and idiosyncratic artistic vision devoid of pretension. And, to top it off, even if you put all that aside, you still have an “entertaining” film that’s beautiful to watch and completely fulfils its duty as a “genre piece.” Yep, it’s a masterpiece, but you already knew that, so moving on…
202) Omen II (1978) **: This is actually a really respectful sequel, and basically does what any good sequal SHOULD do, which is follow up on loose ends introduced in the first film. Basically, if you watched the Omen and want to know what happens next, here ‘tis, nothing more, nothing less. Well, I guess a little more, as the soundtrack and story are all above par, but you get my drift.
201) Premonition (2004) *: Not a particularly notable modern day j-horror. I think this must have just came on TV one day, ‘cause I can’t imagine I’d put effort into seeing this. Also, can’t say I remember much about this outside of a guy who sees the future from reading newspapers, and then has to come to grips with whether or not he wants to keep reading them. Shit, maybe I fell asleep before the end, ‘cause I can’t remember what happened after that. Regardless, this isn’t really my style, so it’s not like I’d have a whole lot so say regardless.
2007 Part 4
200) Creepshow (1982) **: Though I have a lot of sentimental attachment to the two Creepshows, and they’re obviously head and shoulders above any of the budget 80’s horror anthologies that followed, watching this again for the first time in forever I was kind of let down. I fully dig the idea of bringing the EC comics aesthetic into the 80’s, and I think the film does a great job at pulling it off, but knowing how all the stories go, I was just kind of under whelmed. This is by all means a great flick, just not something I’m dying to see again any time soon. Oh, and fuck those cockroaches…STILL.
199) The Tempter AKA Il Sorriso del grande tentatore (1974) **: This is a really cool Italian Exorcist clone. That’s a genre that can either go totally raunchy and over the top or totally boring and inept. This one’s fairly restrained for the most part, but the possession dream totally makes up for lost time. I won’t mention the things that happen with a goat, but I will say the set design is amazing, really cool looking in-studio exterior and a devil that looks straight out of the Danzig “Mother” video. With a possesee who’s really easy on the eyes, this makes for a great watch.
198) Rear Window (1954) **: I’m sure this is a “masterful classic” or whatever, and I’m not gonna say it’s a bad movie, but real talk, I was kinda checking my watch during this one. I dug how the apartment and setting kind of becomes a character in itself, and of course there’s the moment of genuine suspense in the end, but overall I’m just not qualified to say anything meaningful about this flick.
197) The Thing (1982) **: I’ve heard tale of this flick for awhile, and I gotta say I’m not blown away. I’m not really a sci-fi cat though, and these super claustrophobic post-Alien clones that are all suspense and pacing just kind of bug me. It’s like, you got these guys isolated in the tundra while this crazy alien creature picks ‘em off one at a time by taking the form of different crew members, so you don’t really know who’s who, and no one can get off the station, and it’s like, fuck, finish the job already. As far as these Alien kinda flicks go, this is much better done than, say, your average Italian clone from the time, and I can see where all the high praise comes from, but this just ain’t my bag.
196) Vertigo (1958) **: Another cool Hitchcock flick that’s a real treat visually, but obviously I’m looking for more, shall we say, id driven cinema here.
195) Psycho II (1983) **: No, this has nothing on the original as far as technical aspects are concerned, but I’m sorry, I can’t not love Anthony Perkins playing this character. The guy just oozes charisma, and it’s pretty clever having the film take place 22 years or whatever after Norman had been in prison, and of course it had been that long since the last Psycho had come out. Clearly this was just a cash-in on the slasher craze of the 80’s, but it’s honestly handled with much more respect to the original than most sequels, ESPECIALLY horror sequels you’ll see, and it actually an interesting story in its own right, seeing how this small town copes with this notorious killer guy getting released. Shit, now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if Slingblade borrowed some ideas from this flick? Y’know, I’m gonna watch this one again down the line, and I might actually give it a higher rating if it holds up. Great stuff.
194) Blind Beast (1969) ***: This is a really interesting counterpart to ‘65’s The Collector. They both deal with the same theme: a man kidnapping a woman and keeping her for himself, but not for strictly sexual reasons, but whereas there’s a yobbish scorn for the woman’s intellect and artistic leanings in The Collector, the kidnapper in Blind Beast is a blind artist who desires the woman for her physical perfection and wishes to sculpt her. It’s a very brooding and sexual think piece from Japan, so gore hounds might want to sit this one out, but if you’re into dark atmosphere and a sexual theme, this is definitely worth a viewing, to say the least.
193) Psycho (1998) zilch: I ignored this movie when it came out, but somehow, 10 years later, got it in a lot of horror flicks, and not only decided to give it a shot, but decided to a/b it with the original. Oh dear lord was that a mistake. If you do that you’ll fully appreciate what a tremendous piece of garbage this is. I honestly think this was just a case of Gus Van Sant and his bros getting wasted and being like “dude…Psycho…I’m gonna remake it….Totally,” and then they didn’t stop smoking pot once until the movie was out, ‘cause like, anyone involved would have to be high to think this was a good idea. You know who I REALLY blame? Freaking Christopher Doyle. Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, I* know him as the worthless human being/cinematographer behind another little train wreck called LADY IN THE WATER. As a fan of the WORST MOVIES EVER, I almost feel obligated to recommend this, but the phrase “for masochists only” is aptly applied here. I mean, honestly, I’m far from a purist: I even thought the Wicker Man remake was adequate, and I thought the sequels to Psycho were pretty fantastic, but this is just unbelievable. I mean, how do you botch THEE shower scene with “artsy” (again, if you’re high) subliminal imagery? How do you make a dark story of murder, theft and psychological hell look like a pastel bomb blew up all over the film? How do you think for a second that lovable meathead like Vince Vaughn (who I actually like) is the one to pull off a neurotic, overly cautious psyho killer? Truly “What the fuck?” worthy.
192) Psycho (1960) ****: Y’know the phrase “what can be said that hasn’t been said already?” Well, I’m sure there’s a lot that can still be said about this flick, but I’m not sure exactly what I can bring to the table. Every frame is beautiful to look at, and Jesus Christ, the acting! I’m sure there are earlier examples, but this is probably THE iconic film marking the shift from horror’s focus from the supernatural to the horrors of man. This is a timeless and perfect film, horror or otherwise, and the best flick on this list.
191) Parents (1989) *: Dark and kind of campy stuff, sort of a straight to video Tim Burton feel about a kid with cannibal parents. If you’re in a mood for some lighter, kind of stylistic faire, here you go.
190) The Devil’s Nightmare (1971) **: This is a cool transeuro horror flick regarding seven tourists staying at a spooky castle who one by one get knocked off. Each has their own dysfunction, supposedly representing a different deadly sin, and the sole survivor is left in quite a conundrum. A fair amount of skin and a great Satanic figure will keep your interest all the way through.
189) Pieces (1982) **: I’m not necessarily an Italo Uber Alles type, but when it comes to 80’s slashers, there’s just a raw grit present in their flicks you don’t find in the more teen oriented American market. Take this monstrous beast, fr’instance: where most would have held back, this flick goes for the throat. Plenty of YOUNG girls in the shower and really over the top death scenes, including the notorious torso shot. This is one of those flicks where there’s just enough grizzly material applied to an accessible formula to keep the attention of both veteran and pedestrian slasher fans.
180) Deep Red (1975) n/a: Sorry, completely drawing a blank on this one.
179) Kill Baby Kill (1966) **: I'm sorry, I've watched this twice now, IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE! I just can't pay attention, but the visuals are A+++, totally
killer Bava stuff.
178) Blood Diner (1987) **: You know when you’re watching a flick, and you’re kind of bored, and you think if everything was just a bit more explicit you could forgive the general ineptitude? Well, here’s a shining case of a flick that could, and by all means does “suck,” but every line spoken, every new scenario introduced is just so ridiculous you can’t help but go along with it. Yeah, it’s a “campy” kind of flick revolving around a pair of brothers, guided by their dead uncle’s brain in a jar, cutting off the best body parts of women to resurrect the ancient Sumerian god “Sheetar” and serving the leftover parts to the patrons of their vegetarian restaurant. See what I’m getting at with the upped levels of ridiculousness here? I mean, if this was a PG Troma flick it wouldn’t be worth your attention, but plenty of skin and like, EVERY SINGLE LINE SPOKEN will make you realize what a waste of time most of these late 80’s campy spoofs of drive-in flicks are.
177) The Hunger (1983) **: Hmmm, I generally loathe Bowie, but this is a pretty cool brooding vampire flick that focuses on the downside of addiction. It’s a little “80’s” for my tastes (these stories should take place in creepy European castles, not yuppie mansions), but the story and visuals are both compelling, and this is an overall great watch. Oh, and Bauhaus in the opening credits, best way to start out a movie.
176) The Asphyx (1973) **: Okay, so this flick dropped in 1973, and I’m not saying the people who did Ghostbusters ripped this off or anything, but there’s this “spirit” (ghost) that kills people that you can trap (bust) with a weird light ray (proton pack) and move to a ghost jail (containment unit) and therefore live forever. Oh yeah, and the “asphyx” bears a striking resemblance to Slimer. Hey, just sayin’. Anyhoo, since I’m like, 13, I was distracted the whole time because the title ghoul’s name is pronounced “assfix,” so you have a whole bunch of English dudes runnin’ around talking about catching the “assfix.” Actually a cool flick though, honest.
175) Driller Killer (1979) ***: This is either one the artiest moron flicks, or dumbest art flicks I‘ve ever seen. It takes place in NY and focuses on this bohemian dude living in a NY apartment with these two dames who kinda get on his nerves. As he gets further and further behind on his masterpiece painting which is supposed to alleviate all their financial burdens his attachment to reality starts to slip. An AMAZING fake punk band (The Roosters, a bunch of creeps dressing up and doing a crude impression of sleazy punk that sounds closer to the Cramps than Ramones, but so inept that there’s kind of a charm) moves in and drives him even battier. Anyhoo, the killings start at some point, and though genre fans might be unimpressed by the low budget gore, as a movie there’s a definite charm to the overall cheapness. And of course I’m inclined to give any exploitation flick filmed in NY in the 70’s a thumbs up because the dirt and grime of the city at the time makes the perfect backdrop for a story focusing on the cheapness of life. I suppose you could say Driller Killer did with urban America the same thing that Texas Chainsaw Massacre did with rural America: allowing the inherently creepy setting to create the tone and atmosphere without worrying about the need to add a bunch of fog and lighting. In a sense this is one of my favorite kinds of exploitation flicks, where you can’t tell if the film maker is a genius or just too inept to make a “normal” movie. Classic stuff.
174) Ginger Snaps (2000) **: I actually dug this one. There’s these fake creepy (which is usually bad these days, but these girls aren’t too obnoxious) sisters who have all these sexual issues, and one of ‘em gets bit by a werewolf, which is used as this weird metaphor for women starting puberty. I think I just went into this expecting the worst straight to video modern looking “spooky” bs, but this wasn’t too stylistically obtrusive or hip, and there are moments where whatever they head into genuinely bizarre (for a werewolf movie at least) subject matter regarding young women’s bodies. Overall I thought this was pretty enjoyable, especially for a modern film.
173) Monster (1979) zilch: Monter b movie about some company dumping toxins in some Latin village that produces a mutant monster that eats people. Rubber suit fans might get a cheap rise out of this, but everyone else steer clear.
172) Halloween (1978) ***: This one’s revered by fan and critic alike, and I’m not about to rock the boat. It’s a common expression and all, but really, who doesn’t like this movie? Cultural significance and “writing the blueprint” aside, I’ve always given this flick credit for just being flat out entertaining. This is one of those movies where even though there’s a lot of substance and technical proficiency behind the film, you can still just sit back and enjoy the ride without applying any kind of abstract theory.
171) Dawn of the Dead (2006) zilch: This is a numetal video, not a horror movie. The fact that this is mindless CGI fluff is bad enough, but tainting the name of a stone cold classic is just insult to injury. Sorry, there’s just nothing about this my eyes like.
170) Scars of Dracula (1970) *: Fairly unmemorable Hammer Dracula piece. Can’t say I remember much about this one, but I got through it okay.
169) Kibakichi (2004) Hmmm, I guess this is more of a fantasy flick than horror, but who can complain when some weird Japanese flick about a town full of monsters in human form and a traveling monster in human form who stirs things up. Little-to-no-CGI in this day and age earns big respect from me, too. This is pretty entertaining stuff, no doubt, but definitely more of a “renter” than a “keeper.”
168) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) n/a: Another flick I think I remember for a minute, but get confused with other movies (From Beyond, Strange Behavior? I dunno)
167) Beyond the Door (1974) *: Not a particularly bad or good Italian exorcist clone. You can kind of guess what goes along with that. Another one where I can’t remember much of the specifics, but I still vaguely remember enjoying it.
166) Zombie 6 (1981) *: D’amato flick about a traveling priest who’s an expert in zombie killin.’ Since he follows around these zombies, when the zombies kill, he’s around, and thus he becomes a suspect for the cops. After that, I got nothing.’ Not the most coherent flick out, y’know? Some adequate gore, though, so if that’s what you’re looking for, and chances are it is if you’re watching a movie called “Zombie 6” it is, then why not?
165) Grim (1995) zilch: Oi, I dunno what to tell you here. Straight to video 90’s schlock about a, uh, cave troll that knocks off a bunch of, uh, spelunkers (!?!) one by one. Really some edge of your seat stuff here…
164) Blood Couple (1973) ****: Really REALLY cool flick. Truly unique slice of 70’s black cinema that gives an afrocentric portrayal of the vampire motif, but don’t expect Blacula style schlock, as there’s a lot of beautiful and probably accidental avant-garde cinematography techniques at play. A true testament to what a low budget and a lot of ingenuity can do. The soundtrack has a real dark-ambient-soundscape-on-a-shoestring-budget vibe that challenges even TX Chainsaw Massacre in that regard. Highly recommended.
163) Piranha II: the Spawning (1981) zilch: Flying fish, man? C’mon. It is what it is, but life’s too short to spend your time watching Jaws ripoffs…Well, not mine I guess, since I watched it, but you get my drift.
162) Nude Vampire (1970) n/a: Can’t remember a thing, sorry.
161) American Nightmare (1984) *: Not sure this one’s even a horror movie. It’s an interglobal jam about a young girl getting her start in the sex industry and how it tears her apart. Not enough skin or grit to really blow your mind, though.
159) 976-Evil (1989) *: Not much to say here. This one’s kind of a restrained (especially for the title) and corny “80’s” type flick about a nerd who gets his revenge on those who pick on him by turning into a demon. It’s a teeny bopper flick, but whatever, it’ll pass the time.
158) Demonoid: Messenger of Death (1981) **: This flick kind of blows it by putting just about the only cool scene in the first five minutes, but what a cool scene it is! Topless chick gets chained up and gets her hand chopped off by a satanic cult, then cult to a demon holding up a sword in fog. That’s some straight out of a Danzig video shit right there. The rest of the flick is okay, and centers around the cursed Mexican mine where the hand chopping took place. Oh, and the hand comes back to raise hell to. It’s cool, but like I said, you can turn it off after the first five minutes.
157) Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972) *: ‘70’s b movie about some vampyric farmers, “blood farmers,” if you will, after a certain blood type who the female protagonist just happens to have. You can figure out the rest.
156) Combat Shock (1986) **: Not really a horror flick, but it’s hard to walk away from this one without feeling an overall cheapness of life. The story focuses on a Viet Vet trying to make ends meet for him, his wife and their mutant baby. Lots of shitty New York grit from the same year as Cro-Mags “Age of Quarrel.”
155) A Chinese Ghost Story (1987) **: Really cool epic Chinese horror/fantasy flick revolving around a regular dude getting mixed up with some ghosts/deities. Great monsters, great special effects. Seriously, if you want to know why CGI ruined horror movies, watch this and imagine a world where every flick looked this dope.
154) Evil Christmas (1980) zilch: here’s a really boring flick about a dude who snaps one year, throws on a santa suit and starts-a-hackin.’ I guess he works in a toy factory and really likes toys or some shit. I guess if you like, REALLY revere the figure of Santa Clause this will just make your blood boil, but for everyone else just be prepared for boredom.
153) High Tension (2003) zilch: The lesbian chick and the killer are the same person. I’m intentionally trying to spoil the movie for you, party because I hope no one ever sees this film, and partly because if you do end up watching this I want you to keep in mind how fucking retarded it is that these “dual personalities” like, drive separate cars at the same time. I genuinely think this is worse than an M. Night Shyamalan film, and I also consider him the worst high profile director of our time. You know that scene in Adaptation where the Nick Cage who’s trying to write a screenplay for the first time where the twist is that the cop and the killer are the SAME PERSON, and his brother is like “yeah, but you have a scene where they’re chasing each other through central park, how can they be the same person if they’re chasing each other?” I guess the makers of this piece of fucking dogshit never saw that flick, or if they did they just thought the screenplay, a PARODY of trite pseudo-“psychological thrillers” that Hollywood cranks out, was a good idea, because this is just a bunch of fucking nonsense with one of the most forced TWISTS I’ve ever seen. If for whatever reason anyone involved in this film might read this (hey, it’s the internet, and you’re probably a big enough hack that you have to google your own movie to feel better about yourself, you just strike me as that type), seriously, FUCK YOU.
152) Jaws of Satan (1981) zilch: Satan, incarnated as a snake (a regular fucking snake), is reeking havoc all over the place. He messes with some priests, and…Jesus, who cares, it’s not even the jaws of Satan, it’s the jaws of some fucking snake. Bunch of bullshit right here.
151) The Meat Eater (1979) *: Here’s a pretty solid piece of drive-in schlock about a guy who opens a theater which closed due to a bunch of murders. There’s a killer in the theater, which only spells B A D news for everyone involved. Really hamfisted acting and an all around cheap aesthetic makes for an entertaining if vapid little piece of Americana.
199) The Tempter AKA Il Sorriso del grande tentatore (1974) **: This is a really cool Italian Exorcist clone. That’s a genre that can either go totally raunchy and over the top or totally boring and inept. This one’s fairly restrained for the most part, but the possession dream totally makes up for lost time. I won’t mention the things that happen with a goat, but I will say the set design is amazing, really cool looking in-studio exterior and a devil that looks straight out of the Danzig “Mother” video. With a possesee who’s really easy on the eyes, this makes for a great watch.
198) Rear Window (1954) **: I’m sure this is a “masterful classic” or whatever, and I’m not gonna say it’s a bad movie, but real talk, I was kinda checking my watch during this one. I dug how the apartment and setting kind of becomes a character in itself, and of course there’s the moment of genuine suspense in the end, but overall I’m just not qualified to say anything meaningful about this flick.
197) The Thing (1982) **: I’ve heard tale of this flick for awhile, and I gotta say I’m not blown away. I’m not really a sci-fi cat though, and these super claustrophobic post-Alien clones that are all suspense and pacing just kind of bug me. It’s like, you got these guys isolated in the tundra while this crazy alien creature picks ‘em off one at a time by taking the form of different crew members, so you don’t really know who’s who, and no one can get off the station, and it’s like, fuck, finish the job already. As far as these Alien kinda flicks go, this is much better done than, say, your average Italian clone from the time, and I can see where all the high praise comes from, but this just ain’t my bag.
196) Vertigo (1958) **: Another cool Hitchcock flick that’s a real treat visually, but obviously I’m looking for more, shall we say, id driven cinema here.
195) Psycho II (1983) **: No, this has nothing on the original as far as technical aspects are concerned, but I’m sorry, I can’t not love Anthony Perkins playing this character. The guy just oozes charisma, and it’s pretty clever having the film take place 22 years or whatever after Norman had been in prison, and of course it had been that long since the last Psycho had come out. Clearly this was just a cash-in on the slasher craze of the 80’s, but it’s honestly handled with much more respect to the original than most sequels, ESPECIALLY horror sequels you’ll see, and it actually an interesting story in its own right, seeing how this small town copes with this notorious killer guy getting released. Shit, now that I’m thinking about it, I wonder if Slingblade borrowed some ideas from this flick? Y’know, I’m gonna watch this one again down the line, and I might actually give it a higher rating if it holds up. Great stuff.
194) Blind Beast (1969) ***: This is a really interesting counterpart to ‘65’s The Collector. They both deal with the same theme: a man kidnapping a woman and keeping her for himself, but not for strictly sexual reasons, but whereas there’s a yobbish scorn for the woman’s intellect and artistic leanings in The Collector, the kidnapper in Blind Beast is a blind artist who desires the woman for her physical perfection and wishes to sculpt her. It’s a very brooding and sexual think piece from Japan, so gore hounds might want to sit this one out, but if you’re into dark atmosphere and a sexual theme, this is definitely worth a viewing, to say the least.
193) Psycho (1998) zilch: I ignored this movie when it came out, but somehow, 10 years later, got it in a lot of horror flicks, and not only decided to give it a shot, but decided to a/b it with the original. Oh dear lord was that a mistake. If you do that you’ll fully appreciate what a tremendous piece of garbage this is. I honestly think this was just a case of Gus Van Sant and his bros getting wasted and being like “dude…Psycho…I’m gonna remake it….Totally,” and then they didn’t stop smoking pot once until the movie was out, ‘cause like, anyone involved would have to be high to think this was a good idea. You know who I REALLY blame? Freaking Christopher Doyle. Doesn’t ring a bell? Well, I* know him as the worthless human being/cinematographer behind another little train wreck called LADY IN THE WATER. As a fan of the WORST MOVIES EVER, I almost feel obligated to recommend this, but the phrase “for masochists only” is aptly applied here. I mean, honestly, I’m far from a purist: I even thought the Wicker Man remake was adequate, and I thought the sequels to Psycho were pretty fantastic, but this is just unbelievable. I mean, how do you botch THEE shower scene with “artsy” (again, if you’re high) subliminal imagery? How do you make a dark story of murder, theft and psychological hell look like a pastel bomb blew up all over the film? How do you think for a second that lovable meathead like Vince Vaughn (who I actually like) is the one to pull off a neurotic, overly cautious psyho killer? Truly “What the fuck?” worthy.
192) Psycho (1960) ****: Y’know the phrase “what can be said that hasn’t been said already?” Well, I’m sure there’s a lot that can still be said about this flick, but I’m not sure exactly what I can bring to the table. Every frame is beautiful to look at, and Jesus Christ, the acting! I’m sure there are earlier examples, but this is probably THE iconic film marking the shift from horror’s focus from the supernatural to the horrors of man. This is a timeless and perfect film, horror or otherwise, and the best flick on this list.
191) Parents (1989) *: Dark and kind of campy stuff, sort of a straight to video Tim Burton feel about a kid with cannibal parents. If you’re in a mood for some lighter, kind of stylistic faire, here you go.
190) The Devil’s Nightmare (1971) **: This is a cool transeuro horror flick regarding seven tourists staying at a spooky castle who one by one get knocked off. Each has their own dysfunction, supposedly representing a different deadly sin, and the sole survivor is left in quite a conundrum. A fair amount of skin and a great Satanic figure will keep your interest all the way through.
189) Pieces (1982) **: I’m not necessarily an Italo Uber Alles type, but when it comes to 80’s slashers, there’s just a raw grit present in their flicks you don’t find in the more teen oriented American market. Take this monstrous beast, fr’instance: where most would have held back, this flick goes for the throat. Plenty of YOUNG girls in the shower and really over the top death scenes, including the notorious torso shot. This is one of those flicks where there’s just enough grizzly material applied to an accessible formula to keep the attention of both veteran and pedestrian slasher fans.
180) Deep Red (1975) n/a: Sorry, completely drawing a blank on this one.
179) Kill Baby Kill (1966) **: I'm sorry, I've watched this twice now, IT WILL NOT MAKE SENSE! I just can't pay attention, but the visuals are A+++, totally
killer Bava stuff.
178) Blood Diner (1987) **: You know when you’re watching a flick, and you’re kind of bored, and you think if everything was just a bit more explicit you could forgive the general ineptitude? Well, here’s a shining case of a flick that could, and by all means does “suck,” but every line spoken, every new scenario introduced is just so ridiculous you can’t help but go along with it. Yeah, it’s a “campy” kind of flick revolving around a pair of brothers, guided by their dead uncle’s brain in a jar, cutting off the best body parts of women to resurrect the ancient Sumerian god “Sheetar” and serving the leftover parts to the patrons of their vegetarian restaurant. See what I’m getting at with the upped levels of ridiculousness here? I mean, if this was a PG Troma flick it wouldn’t be worth your attention, but plenty of skin and like, EVERY SINGLE LINE SPOKEN will make you realize what a waste of time most of these late 80’s campy spoofs of drive-in flicks are.
177) The Hunger (1983) **: Hmmm, I generally loathe Bowie, but this is a pretty cool brooding vampire flick that focuses on the downside of addiction. It’s a little “80’s” for my tastes (these stories should take place in creepy European castles, not yuppie mansions), but the story and visuals are both compelling, and this is an overall great watch. Oh, and Bauhaus in the opening credits, best way to start out a movie.
176) The Asphyx (1973) **: Okay, so this flick dropped in 1973, and I’m not saying the people who did Ghostbusters ripped this off or anything, but there’s this “spirit” (ghost) that kills people that you can trap (bust) with a weird light ray (proton pack) and move to a ghost jail (containment unit) and therefore live forever. Oh yeah, and the “asphyx” bears a striking resemblance to Slimer. Hey, just sayin’. Anyhoo, since I’m like, 13, I was distracted the whole time because the title ghoul’s name is pronounced “assfix,” so you have a whole bunch of English dudes runnin’ around talking about catching the “assfix.” Actually a cool flick though, honest.
175) Driller Killer (1979) ***: This is either one the artiest moron flicks, or dumbest art flicks I‘ve ever seen. It takes place in NY and focuses on this bohemian dude living in a NY apartment with these two dames who kinda get on his nerves. As he gets further and further behind on his masterpiece painting which is supposed to alleviate all their financial burdens his attachment to reality starts to slip. An AMAZING fake punk band (The Roosters, a bunch of creeps dressing up and doing a crude impression of sleazy punk that sounds closer to the Cramps than Ramones, but so inept that there’s kind of a charm) moves in and drives him even battier. Anyhoo, the killings start at some point, and though genre fans might be unimpressed by the low budget gore, as a movie there’s a definite charm to the overall cheapness. And of course I’m inclined to give any exploitation flick filmed in NY in the 70’s a thumbs up because the dirt and grime of the city at the time makes the perfect backdrop for a story focusing on the cheapness of life. I suppose you could say Driller Killer did with urban America the same thing that Texas Chainsaw Massacre did with rural America: allowing the inherently creepy setting to create the tone and atmosphere without worrying about the need to add a bunch of fog and lighting. In a sense this is one of my favorite kinds of exploitation flicks, where you can’t tell if the film maker is a genius or just too inept to make a “normal” movie. Classic stuff.
174) Ginger Snaps (2000) **: I actually dug this one. There’s these fake creepy (which is usually bad these days, but these girls aren’t too obnoxious) sisters who have all these sexual issues, and one of ‘em gets bit by a werewolf, which is used as this weird metaphor for women starting puberty. I think I just went into this expecting the worst straight to video modern looking “spooky” bs, but this wasn’t too stylistically obtrusive or hip, and there are moments where whatever they head into genuinely bizarre (for a werewolf movie at least) subject matter regarding young women’s bodies. Overall I thought this was pretty enjoyable, especially for a modern film.
173) Monster (1979) zilch: Monter b movie about some company dumping toxins in some Latin village that produces a mutant monster that eats people. Rubber suit fans might get a cheap rise out of this, but everyone else steer clear.
172) Halloween (1978) ***: This one’s revered by fan and critic alike, and I’m not about to rock the boat. It’s a common expression and all, but really, who doesn’t like this movie? Cultural significance and “writing the blueprint” aside, I’ve always given this flick credit for just being flat out entertaining. This is one of those movies where even though there’s a lot of substance and technical proficiency behind the film, you can still just sit back and enjoy the ride without applying any kind of abstract theory.
171) Dawn of the Dead (2006) zilch: This is a numetal video, not a horror movie. The fact that this is mindless CGI fluff is bad enough, but tainting the name of a stone cold classic is just insult to injury. Sorry, there’s just nothing about this my eyes like.
170) Scars of Dracula (1970) *: Fairly unmemorable Hammer Dracula piece. Can’t say I remember much about this one, but I got through it okay.
169) Kibakichi (2004) Hmmm, I guess this is more of a fantasy flick than horror, but who can complain when some weird Japanese flick about a town full of monsters in human form and a traveling monster in human form who stirs things up. Little-to-no-CGI in this day and age earns big respect from me, too. This is pretty entertaining stuff, no doubt, but definitely more of a “renter” than a “keeper.”
168) Beyond Dream’s Door (1989) n/a: Another flick I think I remember for a minute, but get confused with other movies (From Beyond, Strange Behavior? I dunno)
167) Beyond the Door (1974) *: Not a particularly bad or good Italian exorcist clone. You can kind of guess what goes along with that. Another one where I can’t remember much of the specifics, but I still vaguely remember enjoying it.
166) Zombie 6 (1981) *: D’amato flick about a traveling priest who’s an expert in zombie killin.’ Since he follows around these zombies, when the zombies kill, he’s around, and thus he becomes a suspect for the cops. After that, I got nothing.’ Not the most coherent flick out, y’know? Some adequate gore, though, so if that’s what you’re looking for, and chances are it is if you’re watching a movie called “Zombie 6” it is, then why not?
165) Grim (1995) zilch: Oi, I dunno what to tell you here. Straight to video 90’s schlock about a, uh, cave troll that knocks off a bunch of, uh, spelunkers (!?!) one by one. Really some edge of your seat stuff here…
164) Blood Couple (1973) ****: Really REALLY cool flick. Truly unique slice of 70’s black cinema that gives an afrocentric portrayal of the vampire motif, but don’t expect Blacula style schlock, as there’s a lot of beautiful and probably accidental avant-garde cinematography techniques at play. A true testament to what a low budget and a lot of ingenuity can do. The soundtrack has a real dark-ambient-soundscape-on-a-shoestring-budget vibe that challenges even TX Chainsaw Massacre in that regard. Highly recommended.
163) Piranha II: the Spawning (1981) zilch: Flying fish, man? C’mon. It is what it is, but life’s too short to spend your time watching Jaws ripoffs…Well, not mine I guess, since I watched it, but you get my drift.
162) Nude Vampire (1970) n/a: Can’t remember a thing, sorry.
161) American Nightmare (1984) *: Not sure this one’s even a horror movie. It’s an interglobal jam about a young girl getting her start in the sex industry and how it tears her apart. Not enough skin or grit to really blow your mind, though.
159) 976-Evil (1989) *: Not much to say here. This one’s kind of a restrained (especially for the title) and corny “80’s” type flick about a nerd who gets his revenge on those who pick on him by turning into a demon. It’s a teeny bopper flick, but whatever, it’ll pass the time.
158) Demonoid: Messenger of Death (1981) **: This flick kind of blows it by putting just about the only cool scene in the first five minutes, but what a cool scene it is! Topless chick gets chained up and gets her hand chopped off by a satanic cult, then cult to a demon holding up a sword in fog. That’s some straight out of a Danzig video shit right there. The rest of the flick is okay, and centers around the cursed Mexican mine where the hand chopping took place. Oh, and the hand comes back to raise hell to. It’s cool, but like I said, you can turn it off after the first five minutes.
157) Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972) *: ‘70’s b movie about some vampyric farmers, “blood farmers,” if you will, after a certain blood type who the female protagonist just happens to have. You can figure out the rest.
156) Combat Shock (1986) **: Not really a horror flick, but it’s hard to walk away from this one without feeling an overall cheapness of life. The story focuses on a Viet Vet trying to make ends meet for him, his wife and their mutant baby. Lots of shitty New York grit from the same year as Cro-Mags “Age of Quarrel.”
155) A Chinese Ghost Story (1987) **: Really cool epic Chinese horror/fantasy flick revolving around a regular dude getting mixed up with some ghosts/deities. Great monsters, great special effects. Seriously, if you want to know why CGI ruined horror movies, watch this and imagine a world where every flick looked this dope.
154) Evil Christmas (1980) zilch: here’s a really boring flick about a dude who snaps one year, throws on a santa suit and starts-a-hackin.’ I guess he works in a toy factory and really likes toys or some shit. I guess if you like, REALLY revere the figure of Santa Clause this will just make your blood boil, but for everyone else just be prepared for boredom.
153) High Tension (2003) zilch: The lesbian chick and the killer are the same person. I’m intentionally trying to spoil the movie for you, party because I hope no one ever sees this film, and partly because if you do end up watching this I want you to keep in mind how fucking retarded it is that these “dual personalities” like, drive separate cars at the same time. I genuinely think this is worse than an M. Night Shyamalan film, and I also consider him the worst high profile director of our time. You know that scene in Adaptation where the Nick Cage who’s trying to write a screenplay for the first time where the twist is that the cop and the killer are the SAME PERSON, and his brother is like “yeah, but you have a scene where they’re chasing each other through central park, how can they be the same person if they’re chasing each other?” I guess the makers of this piece of fucking dogshit never saw that flick, or if they did they just thought the screenplay, a PARODY of trite pseudo-“psychological thrillers” that Hollywood cranks out, was a good idea, because this is just a bunch of fucking nonsense with one of the most forced TWISTS I’ve ever seen. If for whatever reason anyone involved in this film might read this (hey, it’s the internet, and you’re probably a big enough hack that you have to google your own movie to feel better about yourself, you just strike me as that type), seriously, FUCK YOU.
152) Jaws of Satan (1981) zilch: Satan, incarnated as a snake (a regular fucking snake), is reeking havoc all over the place. He messes with some priests, and…Jesus, who cares, it’s not even the jaws of Satan, it’s the jaws of some fucking snake. Bunch of bullshit right here.
151) The Meat Eater (1979) *: Here’s a pretty solid piece of drive-in schlock about a guy who opens a theater which closed due to a bunch of murders. There’s a killer in the theater, which only spells B A D news for everyone involved. Really hamfisted acting and an all around cheap aesthetic makes for an entertaining if vapid little piece of Americana.
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