201) Trampa Infernal (1990) *: Here’s a fine Mexi slasher that came out just a bit late to the game and has never been translated or put on DeeVeeDee for US horror hounds, but trust me, she is a doosey. The guy’s got slightly modified Freddy Kreuger claws, the Michael Myers white face mask, and he’s woodland bound, pickin’ off teenagers a’la Jason. Cool big box cover art too, though it has been worn quite a bit. If you’re a schlock horror fan you’re seriously limiting yourself if you only stick to English language or even subtitled flicks, and this is a pedestrian enough number with a familiar plot to make for a good starting point.
202) Maniac (1980) **: The notorious and super bleak NYC shot sleaze piece. The brutality teeters on the brink of monotony with this one, but it’s such and uncompromisingly brutal and gritty portrait of a horrible, horrible man that you end up feeling like you just finished some sort of misogynistic marathon by the end of the flick…But in a good way, y’know?
203) Fear No Evil (1981) *: Can’t say I took much away from this one, something about a teenager who happens to have demonic powers being picked on in high school, that sort of thing. Really, all that stuck out was the soundtrack, which consisted mostly of Sire Records punk/new wave hits. It’s a totally by the numbers, forgettable, teen horror flick, but how many of those movies can boast Richard Hell or the Rezillos tracks on the soundtrack?
204) The Killing Kind (1973) ***: Well, I’m a sucker for this type of flick. I’ve used the expression excessively in my reviews, but “low key, 70’s dialogue based horror” is my bread and butter, and this flick fits that description to a T. A young man returns home after doing time for participating in a gang rape (!!!), but prison’s warped his mind a bit, and he starts going after those who put him in the pen in the first place. It’s interesting, because generally in movies when people get released from jail, the audience is usually sympathetic towards their crimes, like it’ll be an 18 year old kid caught stealing a car, something like that. When you play the rape card right out the gate, it really changes the dynamics of the film. And you gotta think, there’re a lot of rapes in this country, so rapists are let out of jail and probably go back to their moms all the time, but you never really see that story get told, y’know? And since this is really a paced, dialogue driven piece, it really takes the time to make you as uncomfortable as possible. It reminded me of the (also excellent) I Dismember Mama, which also focuses on an institutionalized male and his issues with women. Great stuff, but again, this is exactly the kind of flick I go for, so I’m not sure it’s for everyone.
205) Shockwaves (1977) **: Well I’ll be, the Citizen Cane of nazi zombie movies! I’ve only seen all the crappy knock offs, so I was surprised to see there was actually a minimal amount of effort put into sculpting creepy characters and not just sploshing green makeup and swastikas on the director’s friends and having them lumber after some nekkid chick. Yes, there’s actually suspense, a plot, and dare I say ATMOSPHERE at play in this one, and when you throw Peter Cushing in the mix, you might just mistake this with a real, live, actual movie, despite its sensational subject matter. Great watch.
206) Galaxy of Terror (1982) **: Wow, this one really caught me off guard. You look at the cover and you assume this might be some Good Times repackaging/retitling of an old b-movie with swiped cover art, but in reality this is a surprisingly gory/explicit Alien ripoff, complete with sophisticated death scenes and, yes, “the giant maggot scene.” Can’t go into too much detail on here, but refer to the cover and use your imagination as to where that scene’s going. Really weird this hasn’t been given a quality reissue, ‘cause gore/exploitation fans would eat this up for sure.
207) Two Evil Eyes (1990) **: The Romero bit is pretty underwhelming, in keeping with the rest of his output from this period (and it only got worse as time went on), but makes up for it with a great death scene at the end. Argento proves to be the master of his craft, though, and his sophisticated death scenes and trick shots make for a completely compelling main course.
208) Venus Fly Trap (1988) *: Pretty entertaining and corny revamping of House at the Edge of the Park where some street thugs crash the soc’s shindig, which they weasel their way into while sticking up a record store. There’s even a MOBY GRAPE reference during the stickup, which is probably the last thing you’d expect to see. Expect plenty of rape, horrific acting and a short running time on this one. Good stuff, for sure.
209) Night Train To Terror (1985) **: It was weird watching this flick, ‘cause as a kid this was THEE premier video me and my friends would clown on. I think they knew someone who did some special effects work on it or something? I dunno, but watching it now, with a broader knowledge of just how low movies can go, it’s a thoroughly enjoyable flick. It’s your basic horror anthology, with the premise being God and Satan on a train ride arguing over who has a stronger hold on man, and telling various stories to make their point. This actually isn’t too bad a premise, but couple that with some laughable dialogue and delivery, cheesy (but gory) special effects, and an overall schlock factor, and whatever good intentions that may have gone behind the premise just get thrown out the window and actually give the film even more of an inept quality. But don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a total Troma style knee-slapper; the intentions for a straight forward horror/exploitation piece are here, the execution just went a little screwy. But like I said, the effects, though crude, are Savini compared to a lot of stuff out there, and obviously I’ll take claymation over CGI any day. Put it this way: It’s definitely not a BORING movie, and I actually found myself surprised at how entertained I was overall.
210) Bigfoot (1970) *: Obscure schlock monster movie which manages to hit some surprising high notes while keeping firmly grounded as a genre picture. First off, the soundtrack is KILLER countrified SF style pscych, real laid back and heady. Then you got this RIDICULOUS scene where one of the guys dressed as a bigfoot wrestles a “bear” and gets hay and twigs stuck in his nappy, carpet like “fur.” Shoddy interior outdoor sets, tied up babes and biker footage-a-plenty rounds out a nice little slice of Americana. Definitely worth checking out if you’re a fan of the genre.
122) Satan’s Slave (1976) n/a: Can’t say I remember much of this one. Must not have been paying attention. Somewhat droll UK horror, from what I recall.
212) The Alchemist (1984) **: Underrated, somewhat-forgotten American horror with a relatively high production value is always hard to resist, but I think I was particularly smitten with this flick, and I’m not sure why. The film starts with a prologue where a man’s wife gets killed by a sorcerer, who then curses the man with eternal life as a half-demon-half-man creature. Flash forward to the 1950’s (FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER), and an unlikely pair of hitchhikers get stranded in the woods together. They spend some time developing the characters, and I actually like them for reasons beyond my understanding. Anyhoo, they stumble upon the demon-man’s cabin in the woods, and hijinks ensue. The effects towards the climax are actually pretty decent, and like I said, as a whole the film is pretty engaging for what it is. Definitely above par. This film resides in this weird realm, where it’s out of print, and never been on DVD, but it must have been a popular rental title back in the day, because it’s not particularly rare or sought after. I won’t go as far as to say it’s a “lost classic” or anything, but definitely entertaining
213) Scream For Help (1984) *: Fairly standard British suspense/thriller revolving around a step father out to kill his wife for the inheritance, and the daughter who stands in his way. They fucking LOVE stories about someone in the family trying to kill someone else in the family over there, don’t they? It’s about as exciting as this kind of flick can get, I suppose.
214) Black Magic Woman (1991) *: Mark Hammil plays with poor Apallonia’s heart strings, which if she was just Prince’s chick would be one thing, but she’s all into voodoo and shit in this movie, so as you might guess, things don’t turn out well for Luke. Uh, it’s trite shit, but I was able to sit through all of it, so that should count for something.
215) Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe (1974) **: Now that I’ve had some distance from my initial shock of the more infamous Coffin Joe flicks, I’m comfortable saying that not ALL of Marins work is gold. Don’t get me wrong, his best work is still fuckin’ platinum coated, diamond encrusted, total godhead, but a flick like this, that you really have to hunt down if you want to see, really doesn’t live up to his major works. The twisted effects are fairly lite, and Coffin Joe, the figure, is kind of downplayed. I mean, it’s a clever film and all, revolving around Marins helping his friends break a witch’s curse, which climaxes with Marins confronting his alter ego, Coffin Joe, but the execution and everything is just sort of…Lacking. Of course the only version available, to my knowledge, is the really rough print Something Weird Video did in the 90’s, so maybe if this flick had the same care put into its restoration as “The Coffin Joe Trilogy,” it would be easier to take. As it stands, this is just an adequate entry into library of greatness.
216) Legacy of Horror (1978) zilch: Alright, let’s get this straight, this is the Andy Milligan flick, not the corny Blood Legacy movie which sometimes goes by the same title. I didn’t watch this flick for a long time because those titles were so similar, and I kind of wish I kept it that way. Really, REALLY plodding “spend the night in a haunted house to get the inheritance” motif, made particularly mind numbing by the inept Milligan. From time to time I can find this guy’s stuff charming, but this one was just grueling.
217) Sundown (1990) *: Full moon schlock, redeemed only slightly by a lead role from Bruce Campbell and David Carradine playing Dracula. Painfully bright 90’s “hip” vampire flick which was dated 5 years before it was even made. I did get through it, so it could have been worse, but really, don’t bother.
218) Saturday the 14th (1981) *: I thought I saw this a bunch as a kid, but I guess it was the sequel I saw, as this jogged no memories watching it again. I dunno, it’s “fun” horror/comedy, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for this stuff. It’s okay for what it is, I guess.
219) Innocent Prey (1984) n/a: Not memorable. No literally, I have no recollection of watching this film.
220) Last House on the Left (1972) ****: I’m honestly kind of appalled I haven’t seen this before. Obviously it’s a classic, and I’ve heard about it for years, but I don’t know, me and this flick just never crossed paths. I finally ponied up and ordered a copy off Amazon, just like, “okay, what’s all the fuss about,” and damn. Just damn. Honestly, this is such a huge building block for horror and exploitation, I really can’t believe it took me this long to see it. It’s like listening to hard rock and heavy metal music for years, and then hearing a blues chord-progression and being like “ooooooooh.” Not much I can say about this one, really, other than urge others not to make the same mistake I did and not make this a top priority if you haven’t already seen it.
221) Abby (1974) *: With a tagline like “The Black Exorcist,” this really isn’t much of an exorcist clone at all, and honestly isn’t even that enjoyable, either as a blaxploitation or horror piece. I can say I was definitely bored throughout. It does have that low rent 70’s vibe to it, and the surviving film is way grainy, which gives it a cool ambiance in a way, but I doubt the average person will walk away with much from this one.
222) Las Vegas Serial Killer (1986) *
223) Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979) ***
224) Body Fever (1969) *: Well, they had this four pack of Ray Dennis Steckler flicks at this record store for like, $15 or something forever. I only knew the guy from Rat Pfink and Boo Boo (which wins the “looks like they had the most fun actually making this movie” award, pretty much for all time), but obviously the appeal of the same guy doing slashers just sounded like inept gold. And really, “Hollywood Strangler…” is the only one that really lived up to my expectations, but oh, how it did. The film manages to be bleak, inept, sleazy, and dare I say it, even artsy (ENTIRELY accidental) all at the same time. The base plot surrounds this guy who gets models to strip nude for him while he takes pictures, and eventually kills them. Simultaneously, there’s a woman in the same neighborhood offing hobos who bother her shop. There’s a certain hopelessness that kicks in when a movie is this formulaic. It’s kind of like the first hour of Maniac, where you’re pretty sure this movie is never going to end, and this guy is just gonna keep killing and raping and killing with no end in sight. This movie catches a similar groove, but in more of a bumbling way than a truly bleak or mean spirited one. Of course the main draw is the near-silent film like quality of the overdubbed dialogue. A bulk of the flick is monologues delivered by The Strangler, and a few lurid comments spit at the model girls. This gives the film a really sparse, minimalist quality that of course was more of an economic necessity than real, artistic choice, I’m sure, but it still, it’s a nice touch and gives the film a really unique quality. Las Vegas Serial Killer attempts a similar greatness, but falls way short, and Body Fever is a detective story that was fun in its cheapness, but failed to leave much of an impact. “Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher,” though, that’s a great flick, highly recommended.
225) Flesh and Blood Show (1973) *: I’m kind of soft on these UK 70’s teen horror flicks, even though I know they’re mostly crap. This one reminds me a lot of that flick Horror Hospital, in tone and general schmaltzy, fabric-softener quality. Oh, except this ones based around the crap “killer in the theater” premise. Ugh, fucking gag me if I have to see another one of those…
226) The Burning (1981) **: You know, you watch enough bottom-of-the-barrel slasher flicks, you start to think “man, maybe I just don’t enjoy these anymore.” Then a movie like this comes along, that actually has some merit as a film, complete with a newly restored, widescreen print, and it’s like, “oh yeah, now I remember why I liked these movies to begin with.” There are just so many powerful, “edge of your seat” moments, sophisticated death scenes, and a well crafted story that instead of mentally going down your checklist of clichés, you’re just fully engrossed in the film the entire time. Really, there’s nothing “exceptional” about this film, and if this world was worth a god damn, this would be a standard slasher, but because there’s so much crap out there, and because there actually is some talent and hard work put in on behalf of the film makers, this feels like an absolute masterpiece.
227) Tender Flesh (1998) *: Later period Jess Franco flick that you comes as a double feature with Lust for Frankenstein, a movie I actually like, in spite of myself. This one’s pretty decent, too. It’s a variation on The Most Dangerous Game with lots more kinky sex. I don’t know, there’s just something that’s still appealing about newer Jess Franco flicks, I can’t really put my finger on it. They’re crap, decidedly mediocre, but they somehow work; Definitely leagues better than what most modern day independent sexploitation film makers crank out.
228) Rock and Roll Frankenstein (1999) zilch: Shitty camp horror comedy. They even censor their own movie. What’s the point of doing a zero budget, straight to DVD movie like this if you can’t even show a dong getting ripped off by a hook? Stupid.
229) Slime City (1988) *
230) Naked Fear (1998) zilch: These two flicks are by the same guy and come on a DVD together. Slime City is pretty ill, HEAVY Basketcase vibe, and still has that grimy NYC atmosphere of the 70’s/early 80’s, even though it’s a little late to the game. The plot is irrelevant, as it’s basically just an excuse to pull of some decent “green slime” goopy special effects. It’s low budget, but played straight enough to be enjoyable. Naked Fear is a bit of an attempt at more “serious” subject matter, and has something to do with the agoraphobic guy who can’t leave his house, and it quickly turns to a tepid “thriller.” Not really worth seeing.
231) Addicted To Murder 2 (1998) zilch: Yeah, I hate myself, fuck you.
232) Creep (1995) *: Here’s a mean spirited little number that sticks out in the mid-90’s like a sore thumb. There’s incest, gratuitous strip club scenes, THE BEST ENDING OF ANY MOVIE, EVER, and not one morally “good” character in the entire flick. One of those flicks where everything about it just seems unsavory, without ever having any truly explicit moments. Seems like a total product of meth.
233) Maniac Cop 2 (1990) *: Eh, Lustig’s at the wheel, why not? It’s an okay action flick. The scene towards the end where the maniac cop is on fire, just hugging other guys and setting them on fire is pretty intense. There’s like, five straight minutes where at least one person on screen is on fire. I may not know good cinema, but I know what I like.
234) Werewolves on Wheels (1971) **: Pretty fun bikersploitation drive in stuff. It’s no Psychomania, but there are some good moments.
235) Blaire Witch 2 (2000) zilch: Man, I remember poking my head in the theater when this flick came out, because it was playing between two movies I wanted to see, and I think I opted to walk out and just sit in the empty theater of the next movie I wanted to see before it started. So naturally I wanted to see if this was as bad as I remembered, and I was kind of let down by the level of quality. I mean, it’s a piece of shit, obviously, but it’s more like the 13 Ghosts remake or something than Gigli. So yes, if I’m let down that this movie wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be, and just rested comfortably at mediocre.
236) Serial Killer Massacre (2000) *: Crap fans rejoice! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a straight to video turd that I’ve actually enjoyed watching (I’m kind of desensitized at this point), but this one’s a standout. It’s basically a twist on the Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher, where two killers meet up to, uh, kill more, except the acting and dialogue is SO appalling it really needs to be seen to be believed. Like I said, I’m not often moved by these type of flicks these days, so for this to make an impact that’s saying something.
237) They Sleep At Dawn (2000) zilch: Ha, mildly entertaining vampire drug war epic mostly shot (presumably) in the back woods of Jersey with a shitty local black metal soundtrack. I mean, obviously the vibes are ill, but it’s still a piece of shit.
238) Female Mercinaries on Zombie Ilsland (1995) zilch: Crap. Just an excuse to show a bunch of cat fights. Not even any nudity, if I remember correctly.
239) Don’t Torture A Duckling (1972) ***: Well color me late to the game, but this movie fucking RULES. I’ve always heard good things about this early Fulci outing, and it’s definitely in the upper echelon of his films. The story is your basic investigation into a string of murders of young boys, and like any good giallo, there are plenty of red herrings and death scenes. But something about this one really rises above its peers. In part, you’re always able to keep up with the story, which isn’t always the case with many “bog standard” giallos. Next, you actually CARE about these characters. I for one was particularly moved at the plight of the gypsy woman. It’s definitely what you’d call a “riveting” film. Highly recommended.
240) Tomb of the Blind Dead (1971) **: Now THIS is what Euro horror is all about! A straight forward tone, sophisticated death scenes, an actually interesting plot…Yeah, this is the kind of flick I need to see after watching too many incoherent Euro skin flicks in fast forward. Great stuff, and well worth the accolades it receives.
24`) Don’t Go In The Woods (1981) *: I kind of felt like I should be enjoying this one more than I did. It’s not a bad movie, in fact, it’s a really great low budget woodland (duh) slasher a’la Friday the 13th, but I dunno, it just wasn’t doing it for me. The locations were great, the “feel” of the film was authentic, the death scenes were decent…I mean, why I LOVED The Burning and spaced out during this one I can’t really say, but who knows, maybe I’ll revisit it somewhere down the line and it’ll make more sense. As it is I felt it was just painfully average.
242) Virgin Among The Living Dead (1973) zilch: Man, and the winner of best title/worst actual movie goes to…Death Head Virgin, but this one’s right behind it. Don’t let the “living dead” fool you, this is more of a “greedy family clutching for the family fortune” flick than, uh, one you would want to watch. My boy Franco directed this one, and it’s a prime year for the guy, but I dunno, you’d never guess it from watching this one. Dullsville.
243) Blood Sabbath (1972) *: I found myself enjoying this one more than I probably should have. It’s kind of a fantasy/horror/lite skin flick revolving around a Vietnam vet wandering through the forest when he’s intercepted by some naked witches. I really have no fucking idea why, or what really happens afterwards, but there’s a lot of naked ladies jumping around in circles, and mock ritual type stuff. Harmless, but kind of fun.
244) Dead Pit (1989) *: Harmless enough “evil mental institution” type flick. I can’t really think of any GREAT versions of that motif, and this is no exception.
255) La Bimba Di Satana (1982) n/a: Eh, this one did nothing for me. Granted I was watching a grainy non-subbed bootleg, so it might not be fair to judge this one, but I dunno, I just don’t think I was in the mood for a generic Euro-sleazer at the time. I must have fast forwarded through most of it, ‘cause I don’t even remember the basic plot.
256) Guts of a Virgin 3 (1987) *: Sleazy Japanese exploitation revolving around a special agency of women who are able to torture men through giving them sexual pleasure…Or something. Definitely more for fans of torture/gore than sex (though you do get plenty of both). I mean, is kind of an “is what it is” type of flick, and seems more like the kind of flick you get if you want to show of how “brutal” and “fucked up” your tastes are. Not to say there aren’t those who legitimately enjoy this kind of stuff, but there’s just not much more to this movie than “yep, that guy sure is getting tortured.”
257) La Matanza De Cannibals (1993?) *: I’m not exactly sure about the title/year of production on this one, but this is what was written on the VHS bootleg I have. I thought it was a Mexican flick, but the IMDB page of the closest matching title says Spain, so who knows? It’s the kind of flick that makes you wonder what the fuck you’re doing with your life. It’s so “cult,” so underground, and so…stupid, that you feel like you’re smuggling contraband by watching it. I mean, it’s shot on video and there’s no subs, so it feels, well, I won’t go as far as to say watching a “stuff” film, as the gore effects and death scenes aren’t that impressive. Maybe it’s more like watching some neighborhood death metal kid’s home movies, I dunno. Cool flick, but it’s maybe more enjoyable from the kicks you get from watching a mondo obscurity than from the content of the film itself.
258) Night of the Demons 2 (1994) **: Here’s a personal favorite of mine, and I can understand if people think I’m crazy or hypocritical for liking such clearly tongue-in-cheek 90’s drec, but in a way I like to think of this as what slashers in the 90’s COULD have been if the market didn’t bottom out. There’s nudity, there’s gore, it’s very un-PC. Granted stuff like the “warrior nun” with chain-sickle crucifix is the sort of “funny” stuff you’d see in a Troma type picture, but moments like that are significantly outweighed by the more standard “dumb teens getting picked off” moments. I mean, a decade earlier this would have been completely unremarkable, but in the 90’s this was kind of against the grain. Oh, and the effects are pretty ill, too, at least I don’t recall any tacky CGI. I mean, it’s a crap film, but it succeeds in being crap in a time where other horror flicks failed at being good, and for that I think it’s commendable.
259) Dracula (1931) ***: Y’know, you see a story reworked so many times, it’s easy to forget that you’ve never seen the original. This one came on cable really late at night, let’s say 3am, and it was just a perfect viewing experience, getting to see the source of so many different remakes I’ve seen revealed before me without like, intentionally setting out to see it. It’s a beautiful film, though, a “classic” in every sense, to the point where there’s nothing I can really say about it on a sleazepit like this. But I will say at least that it can still have an effect on a polluted mind such as mine, which is probably a sign of a truly well made film.
260) Pigs (1972) *: Y’know, sometimes Troma distributes a flick you like, and it’s almost offensive, like with Combat Shock, you’re just like “man, you don’t deserve this kind of treatment!” Then other times it makes perfect sense, like with Pigs. I mean, it’s an “okay” flick, it’s 70’s, it’s dirty looking, the “raped by her father” back story of the main female character lends the film enough trash cred, and the “killing people and feeding them to animals” theme might have even planted the seeds for Eaten Alive, but the acting is hammy in kind of a bad way, and there’s nothing really inventive enough about this flick that really stands out for me. Like I said, it’s a fine film, I probably should like it more, but it’s definitely closer to the kind of flicks Troma would go on to make than even the aforementioned Eaten Alive or any other really nasty 70’s exploitation.
261) Godmonster of the Indian Flats (1973) **: MOTHERFUCKING FREDERIC HOBBS! The only other flick I’ve seen from this guy was the great (and slightly headier) Alabama’s Ghost, and thankfully this one left me just as awestruck. Hobbs has a really slanted take on low budget exploitation that really evades classification. I mean, at base this is your basic drive in monster movie with a 70’s facelift, maybe akin to Don Dohler’s stuff, but the monsters are so fucked up, and it’s clear that Hobbs is trying to “say something” about drive in Americana with these flicks, in the same was as Paul Morrissey was with his Dracula and Frankenstein pictures, but Hobbs uses very different methods of course, much more surreal and post-psychedelic. Yeah, this is a really wild ride to go on, really, definitely recommended if you like your flicks more on the weird side of “fucked up” than the explicit.
262) Hitchhike To Hell (1977) **: I liked this one a lot. It centers on this guy whose mom is constantly on his case ever since his sister ran away from home. At some point the dude snaps, and starts picking up every hitch hiker he can, only to sexually assault and murder them as soon as they let on that they’re not up to the driver’s moral code. Essentially it’s a morality tale about the dangers of hitch hiking, and the plight of runaways (the police chief is often confronted with indifference from the families of the victims…Awwww!), but of course it takes the most tasteless and exploitative route possible to get to that “moral.” It’s 70’s grindhouse, straight up and down, and if you’re a fan of grainy film, hackneyed acting, and the sleazy ambiance that comes with these flicks, then step right up. Note, this one’s definitely not as explicit as you might imagine, but it’s a fun watch nonetheless.
263) Devil Story (1985) n/a: I don’t know how, but I completely forgot everything about this movie. I think I watched too much trash in one day, it all kind of blended together.
264) Blue Voodoo (1983) *: Entertaining, but not quite innovative skin flick about this stripper girl “done wrong” by her man who goes into cahoots with a voodoo queen to get her revenge on the letch. Like I said, don’t expect anything too grimy, mean spirited or over the top (relatively speaking), but for a fun porno with supernatural/horror themes, this one does the trick.
265) Alien Prey (1978) *: A classic case of a bizarre premise that doesn’t parlay into a particularly memorable or interesting film, as a lesbian couple living in a townhouse together have their (dysfunctional) relationship disrupted by an alien disguised as a human. Like I said, great premise, and there are a few decent scenes, definitely worth watching if you don’t have anything better to do, but not really all that necessary. Actually, for a British flick this might as well be Last House on the Left, but yeah, it’s kind of just “okay.”
266) The Devil’s Exorcist (1978) *: Spanish horror that plays a lot like a Hammer flick with a much lower production value. It’s okay, but very straight forward, and not particularly exceptional in any way. Of course the version I watched didn’t have subtitles, but I somehow doubt that would change my opinion of the film.
267) The Sentinel (1977) **: Here’s a “supernatural thriller” revolving around a haunted house that’s actually really quite good. Basically you got this model, who’s trying to mellow out after an attempted suicide, so she shacks up in this apartment that’s supposed to be empty except for a blind priest up stairs, but it turns out to be this gateway to evil, yadda yadda, you know how these things go. I think the big draw here is the makeup effects by Dick Smith, who did all the ill shit on The Exorcist. The effects, makeup and otherwise in this film are excellent, way above par, and the story is paced, while keeping your attention every step of the way. This is a great example of a film that doesn’t just pander to the lowest common denominator with exploitative film techniques, and still manages to satisfy genre enthusiasts. I wouldn’t go as far as to call this “thinking person’s horror,” because there’s nothing too pretentious or deep going on, but there’s still more substance here than your average trash horror flick. Definitely give it a shot if you need to cleanse your palate of z-grade sleaze.
268) Ritual of Death (1990) **: After seeing the Coffin Joe flicks, I’ll pretty much watch any Brazilian horror I can get my hands on, and this flick, though obviously going for a completely different thing than Marins’ films, is a decent gore/sleaze fest from a dude who I guess mostly did porn up to this point. The plot centers on some guy who fucked with some artifact or something who transmutates into this possessed killing machine with predictable results. The mutation scene is actually pretty gross and effective, as are a lot of the evil rituals. Definitely one to look for if you have more outré tastes in sleaze. I’d fucking kill to see Satanic Attraction, which has a trailer on here. What a masterpiece that one looks like.
269) Alien 2: On Earth (1980) *: Dopes trapped in a cave waiting for an Alien thing to pick ‘em off one by one. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not too keen on the “group trapped in a small space” method of horror, I dunno, I just feel kind of claustrophobic or something. Not that that’s this film’s main problem, I mean, it’s a shitty Italian sci-fi horror flick, it’s loaded with problems, but thankfully there’re a few good death scenes snuck in to keep things interesting. Not great, probably not even good, but watchable.
270) House AKA Hausu (1977) ***: Like anyone who’s ever seen this film, I was pretty floored. The story of a bunch of school girl’s going on vacation at this spooky mansion is secondary, as what makes the film so engaging its unhinged effects, set design and general look. It’s kind of like a really warped, psychedelic, Japanese version of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, or maybe a Saturday morning kid’s show version of Evil Dead. I don’t know, I mean, I see A LOT of “weird” movies, so it takes a lot for one to really stick, and this one here is definitely some “must see” cinema.
271) Bloodsucker Leads the Dance () *: Kind of dull Italian horror story about a pack of thespians who, on their final day performing together, get invited at a unit to come entertain a count at a creepy old castle. You can pretty much guess where this one leads. Nothing really sticks out with this one, pretty “bog standard” Euro horror stuff, but watchable nonetheless.
272) Criminally Insane (1975) **: Great flick that manages to bring a really low rent Paul Morrissey/John Waters vibe while still working as a “straight forward” 70’s exploitation piece. In other words, it doesn’t get too far off the rails in its portrayal of sleazy realism, but it’s definitely weirder than your average drive in faire.
273) The Outing (1987) *: Cornball slasher about an evil genie, and the unfortunate pack of random teenagers trapped in the museum made to suffer its wrath. The effects are fairly sophisticated for this sort of thing, and the film adequately delivers in the gore/death scene department. Decent, watchable late 80’s slasher, straight up and down.
274) The Whip and The Body (1963) ***: Love this movie. LOVE IT. Possibly my favorite Bava flick, and I fucking LOVE most of his movies, so that’s saying a lot. The basic plot goes that this sadistic aristocrat (Christopher Lee) returns home and starts riling up the placid life of his brother and his wife, whom the sadist used to have a thing with before she was married. The story takes a supernatural turn after the sadist is found dead, and his ghost continues to terrorize the homestead, particularly his ex-lover/brother’s wife. Like most of Bava’s flicks, the atmosphere is captured masterfully, and visually this is pure bliss, start to finish. The S&M stuff is particularly evocative and not really handled as exploitatively as you might imagine. Powerful stuff.
275) The Beast Must Die (1974) **: Decent little horror/mystery number revolving around a bunch of people from various walks of life cooped up in a mansion, Clue style, with the premise later revealed that one of them is, in fact, a werewolf. It’s British, so expect a bit of class and some decent acting.
276) Mighty Peking Man (1977) **: Enjoyable and kind of bizarre Hong Kong monster flick, very much on the King Kong tip. Basically, this babe gets stranded on an island, befriends a giant monkey, who protects her on the island, but then when civilization comes looking for the girl, they take the giant ape with them and shit starts poppin’ off. There’s a very cool Saturday morning Technicolor overload look to this film which makes it quite entertaining. Good lite entertainment if that’s what you’re after.
277) Dak Bangla (1987) **: Here’s a Ramsay family “Bollywood horror” flick not yet re-released by Mondo Macabro, but hopefully they get to it soon, ‘cause the boot I saw didn’t have subtitles. I mean, it’s not like you REALLY need subtitles to enjoy these flicks, ‘cause it’s really more about the fun music, and just taking in the kind of screwball take on horror these flicks offer, but obviously it’d be nice to know what’s going on beyond “Oh, there’s a mummy…And now they’re dancing.” Still pretty enjoyable, though.
279) Mansion De Las Vivantes (1985) *: I dunno, these 2nd tier Franco flicks are all kind of becoming indistinguishable at this point.
279) Sexo Sangriento (1981) *: Extremely lurid Spanish horror. Basically, three gals on vacation (?) stay in a house with a crazy lady and bad stuff happens. Fairly typical Euro sleaze, memorable pretty much only for the copious nudity and sewing-needle-up-the-vajay scene. Eh, there are worse things to be remembered for.
280) Born of Fire (1983) zilch: Pretentious, “surreal,” “erotic,” artsy shit. Basically just made me irritable.
281) Creature w/ The Blue Hand (1967) n/a: Man, I don’t remember this one at all.
282) Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) **: This one’s kind of odd, because I always hear it referred to as a “spoof,” but the humor was lost on me, I guess. It really just reminded me of a Hammer style horror flick. I know it’s a Polanski flick and all, but I dunno, like I said, I didn’t really see anything too special in this.
283) The Shrieker (1998) zilch: Another instance of not really knowing why I bothered watching something in the first place. More Full Moon garbage. The “making of” segment that runs in the beginning of the film that completely gives away the movie was kind of chuckle worthy, though.
284) Donnie Darko (2001) zilch: I saw this flick when it came out on video, before it had the Hot Topic stigma it does now, and at the time I thought it was crap. Figuring enough time had passed, and being in a position to watch it again, I gave it another spin, and I think I like it less now than I did then. Absurdly embarrassing dialogue, hokey “FUCK. HAPPY” themes, BAAAAD CGI…I mean, really, what IS there to like about this film? I’ll give it the non-linear way the story is revealed is kind of interesting, but the look and tone of the film is just so mired in that cutesy/creepy, low rent Tim Burton DeRaNgEd quality that it makes me want to kick in the fucking TV screen. Of all the crap that I watch it really takes something this pretentious to REALLY make me angry.
285) Black Magic Terror AKA Queen of Black Magic (1979) **: Holy shit, this was made in ’79? Some of the effects are surprisingly tasteless (in a good way) for the ‘70’s, especially considering this was a Hong Kong flick. The story of this flick revolves around a woman who loses her virginity to this dude on the promise of marriage. He bails on her and marries some other chick, causing the first one to attempt suicide. This misanthropic hermit intervenes and teaches her the black magic skills she needs to reap her (and his) vengeance on the fiend who spurned her and her village as a whole. It’s honestly pretty damn good. Horror movies like this, where the appeal is more their “exotic” factor than content are often pretty damn boring, and are interesting more from the perspective of a genre curio than an enjoyable film, but that’s not the case with this flick, which manages to be very entertaining throughout.
286) Demonic Toys (1992) zilch
287) Demonic Toys vs. Dollman (1993) zilch: Yeah, I don’t really know why I do this to myself either. What next, a Puppet Master marathon *shiver*.
288) Night Terrors (1993) *: Eh, by now you should know that these post-Hellraiser attempts to sculpt “adult” horror by blending eroticism and hackneyed surrealism just don’t work for me. This shit was rampant in the early 90’s, and could probably comprise of a legitimate subgenre if anyone actually enjoyed watching these type of movies enough to put the effort into cataloguing them. Oh, and of course Tobe Hooper is attached to this, as well as Robert Englund, and if you put those two together and take into account when this was made, you should know you’re in for trouble.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The rest of 2008 Pt. I
116) Nekromantik (1987) **
117) Nekromantik 2 (1991) **: Well, not sure what to say about these two…No, really, I’m kind of at a loss for words. I did really enjoy these flicks, though. There’s a great somber, melodramatic (in a good way) tone throughout, which definitely exceeded my expectations, as generally the only people who talk about movies are “fucked up shit” types (there’s plenty of that, too), so thankfully there’s more to these movies than “shocking” imagery . Am I a bad person if I only had to cringe during the animal processing scenes?
118) Scream 3 (2000) zilch: Gone doggin.’
119) Faust: Love of the Damned (2000) *: On the surface: shitty Spawn knock off. After digging deeper? Shitty spawn knockoff with special effects by the mighty Screaming Mad George! That definitely makes any movie worth watching, in my book, but don’t sweat the rest of the flick too much, it’ll ruin the good stuff.
120) Mutilator (1986) *: Pretty much a textbook slasher which shows how far some decent death scenes can take you. Plotwise, you got a bunch of teenagers at a beach house getting picked off one by one with a variety of creative weapons (I told you this was textbook, didn’t I?), including most notoriously a fish hook up a gals hoo hah. Let it never be said that Vestron didn’t know how to pick the classy ones.
121) Vampyros Lesbos (1971) **: I always heard this title thrown around, so I assumed it would be one of the better Franco flicks, but I found this one to be pretty average. I should probably give it some more attention down the line, but as far as languid, dreamy vampire stuff goes, I’ll take Female Vampire, thanks.
122) Bloody Moon (1981) *: Well, I like slashers, I like Jess Franco, but a Jess Franco slasher? Sounded like a good idea, but it didn’t take long into actually watching the movie that I realized my favorite Franco flicks are when he’s doing the exact opposite of a slasher, so no wonder this one didn’t really work for me. There are only shades of Franco’s atmosphere at play, and the death scenes are way too restrained to make this kind of a picture work, so really it ends up being the worst of both worlds. Oh well, another one of his flicks to cross off the list.
123) Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980) **: Oh what, just ‘cause blood & sleazefests are my cinematic bread and butter I can’t enjoy a decent made for TV kiddie Halloween flick with a young Goldblum at the helm? Really though, this is a surprisingly decent version of the story and I’d definitely watch this before that old queen Tim Burton’s version, yechhh.
124) Dead Girls (1990) *: Trying to get over the death of one of their band mates, the rock group “The Dead Girls” decide it’s best to take a sabbatical in the woods for awhile. And why not? It’s 1990, the slasher craze is on it’s way out, things should work out alright…Well, what do you think happens next? Yep, they start getting picked off one by one. This one’s a little late to the game, but I can name a lot of much better known flicks from about 5 years earlier that were way worse than this. Great death scenes, some tna, and of course all the cheese that comes with an all girl death rock group in a horror movie.
125) Satan’s Blade (1984) **: Well, I went into this expecting some full blown SOV retardation, 555 style, but there’s actually a lot of character to this low budget obscurity to raise it above the dregs. Actually, if you’re expecting cheese and over-the-top gore, you’re sure to be disappointed, as the nudity’s kept to a minimum, and the death scenes are pretty sub par, but there are these weird elements like “plot,” and “dialogue,” I think they call it, that kept me pretty engaged throughout. I mean, obviously no one’s reinventing the wheel with this one; you got a cursed knife that possesses its holder into doing evil, some cabins in the woods, a body count (body motherfuckin’ count), so it’s nothing too new, but there’s a weird dichotomy between the married couple cabin and single college girl cabin at play, and for whatever reason I found myself kind of warming up the to characters more than I usually do in these movies. Yeah, I’d say it’s definitely worth a watch or three.
126) Act of Vengeance (1974) **: Fairly absurd number about a rapist who makes his victims sing “Jingle Bells” while doing the deed. Yes, the guy wears a hockey mask a’la Jason and a jumpsuit a’la Michael Myers, but if you’re looking for a proto-slasher this ain’t exactly it, as the film takes more of a movie of the week approach to a typical 70’s exploitation rape/revenge motif. With its over acting and crude caricatures, you’ll find yourself longing for Italo sleazefests where rape is simply eroticized, and not treated like an after school special. I keep drawing comparisons to made for TV movies, but fear not exploitation hounds, there’s enough, uh, “visceral imagery” to keep this out of PG territory, and overall, despite the grossly inappropriate tone in relation to the subject matter, this is an enjoyable movie, even if it is, y’know…INCREDIBLY stupid.
127) Night After Halloween AKA Snapshot (1979) **: Another one I found myself enjoying and reflecting upon more than I probably should. At base you have a standard twist-and-turn giallo, UK style (read: sans excessive gore/nudity), revolving around a young woman trying to find her way in the world as a hair dresser, and then a model/bohemian. This obsessive dude from her “old life” keeps sweatin’ her, which of course makes him a prime suspect in the murders that start popping up around our protagonist. I dunno, maybe I was just in the mood for a flick like this, but it worked for me quite a bit.
128) House of Terror AKA Kidnapped Coed (1976) ***: I liked this movie quite a bit. It’s a nice Stockholm Syndrome themed piece with a kidnapped girl warming up to her kidnapper. The only way to make these flicks work is if you find yourself warming up to the abductor in the same way as the victim, and Friedel thankfully knows how to sculpt a character. This is a prime example of the kind of low-key, dialogue driven, American exploitation that instantly clicks with me every time. This and Friedel’s other flick, Lisa, Lisa are absolutely essential viewing if you’re into that sort of thing.
129) Horror Hospital (1973) **: Man do I ever have a soft spot for psych-sploitation 70’s British horror…Well, I guess the only other flick I’ve seen that really fits that description would be the mighty Psychomania, which of course I had on my mind the entire time watching this little gem. There’s some corny plot about a dude getting kicked out of his rock band and going to a spa for “young people” to get his head straight, but the place turns out to be some kind of zombie factory or something, and then it’s up to him and some dame he met there to escape! Yeah, really cutting edge stuff, but the real charm, of course, comes from the attempt at being “hip” and “with it” or whatever. The midgets, nudity, and ultra cool zombie factory police in biker helmets don’t hurt, either. Great Gorgon Video release with killer clamshell art.
130) Frightmare (1983) *: Some no good kids get a hair up their ass to hijack the dead body of a Vincent Price-esque golden age horror movie star, and shenanigans ensue. Lite entertainment all the way here, so lite it’s not a stretch to call this a waste of time.
131) Love Thrill Murders (1971) **: Ah, Mansonsploitation, one of the tackiest and groan educing sub genre that exists. It’s all here folks, drugged out hippy orgies, bearded cult leaders, mingling with the straights and the inevitable massacre that follows. I guess Bloodsucking Freaks, another 70’s flick Troma’s managed to keep in circulation isn’t too far off of a comparison as far as hamfisted but effective entertainment is concerned.
132) Aliens (1986) ***: Been so long since I’ve seen this, I might as well have never seen it at all. I saw the first flick recently, and was kind of underwhelmed, but this one makes a lot more sense to me. The visuals are what really grabs me when I watch it now, but I don’t think I really have much to say about any of these flicks that hasn’t been said better elsewhere.
133) Fatal Pulse (1988) *: Another 80’s slasher obscurity. Of course you got your borderline bdsm death scenes, tna, all the goodies, but what’ll undoubtedly stick to your ribs is the fact that the film makers insisted on inserting this “booOOooing” sound effect everytime the party dude character (name escapes me) comes on screen. Okay, at first it’s fine, they’re college kids, he’s the whaaacky sidekick, why not have a sound effect introduce him, but they do this EVERY TIME he comes on screen, and no s***, at one point the protagonist and the girl who doesn’t get killed are having this serious discussion about all the murders, and how she just lost her friend and all that, and yep “BOOOOOOING,” it’s PARTY DUDE MGEE, HE’S IN THIS SCENE NOW! Seriously, hats off guys, stuff like that is pretty much the reason I watch movies. Another fine CELEBRITY VIDEO release.
134) Cheerleader Camp (1987) *: Seminal 80’s schlock fest. You kinda know what you’re getting into with this one, so it’s not like you can fault it for being what it is, which is a teen oriented typical slasher with healthy servings of camp and tna.
135) Monkey Shines (1988) **: Fairly middle of the road venture about a runner who gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed, then gets a lab monkey from his scientist friend. Either through the lab chemicals or the trauma of the accident, the guy and monkey form this symbiotic relationship, which is more confusing than creepy. Then the guy hits it off with a chick, the monkey gets jealous, and then it’s bad news for everyone. There’s some attempt to address man’s “primitive” nature and all that, but like I said, this is so adult (yuppie, even) oriented that nothing’s really visceral enough to leave much of an impact.
136) Link (1986) zilch: Anthropologist studies apes. Wide eyed student gets hired to help the anthropologist. Apes off the anthropologist and now it’s student vs. monkey in a dusty mansion survival match to the death. For a “thriller” it’s not quite thrilling, and it goes on for way too long. I dunno, just an overall snooze fest, unless you’re just dying to see an ape chase a chick around a house for 100 minutes.
137) Twice Dead (1988) *: A family in a financial bind inherits a house from a relative, but when they arrive they find the place overrun with bad kids, just lousy with a rag-tag group of punks trying their hardest to do their best Lost Boys impression (sans vampirism, of course). The family decides to hold its ground, but most of the fighting is done by their teenage son who defends their homestead the best way he knows how: BOOBY TRAPS! But these traps are set up to SCAAAAAAARE the ruthless street hoodlums into leaving their house alone. A series of far fetched near escapes goes down, some peripheral characters get offed in the process, you know the deal…Some supernatural fuelled death scenes get tacked on at the end for the flick to qualify as horror, but then a gajillion fake endings just make you feel insulted. Not a bad time waster, but you’re better off playing Tetris.
138) The Power (1984) zilch: Your standard “ancient artifact brings out murderous rage in unsuspecting victim” motif. Some okay death scenes scattered throughout, but nothing that quite makes up for all the down time.
139) Hide and Go Shriek (1988) *: Tediously generic slasher in which some teens spend the night in an old warehouse and get picked off one by one. Enough sex and cheesy acting to keep genre fans sedate, but some better death scenes could have provided some much needed grit and ugliness.
140) The Confessional (1976) *: My confession? I spaced out for most of this. It’s hard to keep some of these british numbers straight if you’re not in the mood, and this one’s pretty dry. I can’t really say this was BAD, bad, but I doubt I’ll be putting in the time for a rewatch anytime soon.
141) The Demon (1979) zilch: Ugh, SO fucking convoluted. This starts out as a psychic detective kind of flick, but the victims of the killer are too random for that to go on for very long, and the movie never quite reaches slasher pace. Some nudity and a decent enough climax makes for something I guess, bug everything that goes on up until then is just a waste of your time.
142) Deadly Sunday (1982) **: I found this obscurity to be quite refreshing. A family wanders into a stickup and the pack of criminals (who outnumber the hostages it seems) create a climate of fear for about 90 minutes or so. There’s kind of an inept Dog Day Afternoon feel, but I really appreciate the real time aspect of the film more than anything. And the fact that you’re in the process of a crime with no reprieve, no police negotiations, no external subplot, just this holdup from the beginning to end of the movie does create a somewhat unsettling atmosphere. Of course the characters are more like caricatures, and most of the attempts to give the gunmen any depth, such as the pathetic rape sequence just feel forced and tacked on. But still, for an independent film with minimal cast and location they manage to make the film work. Definitely worth checking out if you’re in the mood for some barebones exploitation.
143) Dance or Die (1987) *: Fucking MIND NUMBING shot on video stupidity here. Prime example of Chinese menu , mix-and-match style premise. “Uh, you got a…Recovering coke addict with a…Dance troupe in…Las Vegas!” Aaaaand, script. Like, so much stupid shit goes down that has nothing to do with acting, budget, film quality, or whatever…Such as naming the criminal you’re supposed to be living in fear of “Turtle.” I think this is supposed to be a “thriller” or something, but I can’t imagine anyone who’s not into zilch budget horror and shitty movies in general getting any sort of kick out of this. It’s absurdity does make for an unintentionally very watchable flick, though, I must say.
144) Initiation of Sarah (1978) *: Pretty good for a made fro TV number, kind of a mash up of Carrie and…Oh, no, I guess that’s it, just a straight Carrie knockoff. Awkward girl with vaguely evil psychic powers goes to college with her cool sister and has to face the realities of sorority culture and all that. Like I said, this is made for TV, complete with spots for commercial breaks, but you could do worse as far as these flicks go. Still basically not worth watching, though
145) Omen IV (1991) *: Another made for TV joint, but it plays like an average straight to video number. Kind of jumbles the plots of Omen and Omen II, with the parents suspecting their daughter (yeah, a girl this time, TWIST!) of nogoodery as they see her mature, and the daughter doing the jealous routine of the first Omen. They try to make it all grand scale by the end, though, but you can still tell where these chips are gonna fall. Really, outside of some themes, there’s nothing technique-wise which makes this horror, and you could get this mistaken with a Problem Child sequel with the TERRIBLE score (I swear I hear swipes from Batman The Animated Series pop up here and there) and all little kids being bad. Basically just a typical, mildly entertaining movie, which I guess is the point of these made for TV joints, so there you go.
146) Name For Evil (1973) zilch: Yeah, you gotta work pretty hard to make a flick centering around some yuppies dropping out and moving to a haunted grove and having orgies in the woods and have it be this boring, but yes, they do manage to pull it off. Basically you got a typical “GET OUT” style haunted house flick with this hippie “back to nature” stuff tacked on which just makes for a confused and tedious venture. Unless you get off on nudist footage, I’d just sit this out out.
147) The Last Slumber Party (1988) zilch: No, not even the titillating title and promise of “MUSIC BY FIRSTRYKE (sic)” on the cover could save this one. In all fairness I was watching it on a beat to hell exrental that was cutting in and out like nobody’s biz, but for a shot on video schlock fest this falls way short of the grizzly death and gawdy nude scenes you come to expect from the best of these films. The excessive homophobic slurs was, uh, at least unexpected, but when a bunch of “f bombs” are most noteworthy aspects of a film, you know you’re in trouble.
148) Prom Night II (1987) *: The first one’s boring, the third one’s at least “fun” with its campiness and “80’s” teen factor, so I guess it’s only logical that the 2nd in the series is a middle, even more boring ground between the two. Think the kids who weren’t cool enough to get Saturday school in The Breakfast Club doing nothing with a ghost story in the background. Creepy animatronic carousel horse, at least.
149) Gates of Hell (1980) ***: One of the few Fulci films that just floored me right out the gate. The visuals and effects are perfect, the film has tons of eerie sounds, and an all around great atmosphere. When the man nails it, he fucking nails it, and this flick is definitely Fulci nailing it.
150) Satan’s Touch (1984) zilch: Alright folks we’re nearing the bottom, the point in which you get done watching the movie and just go “Jesus, what am I doing with my life?” Forget Salo, forget those blahblahblah of Death videos, it’s this mindless SOV retardation that’ll make you hate yourself for your obsession with crappy flicks. Like, just ignore the amazing cover art/title, because that might have you thinking this is remotely good, or, you know, based in horror in anyways. What you really get is a Tales from the Crypt…No, Darkside…No, GOOSEBUMPS style premise about the devil who “curses” this non-believer with the ability to NEVER lose a bet when he goes to Vegas. The mess lumbers on for 86 minutes, in which time you’ll have lost track of time from pummeling yourself in the face with your own fists. This might just be the only time in the history of people talking about movies that anyone has every compared anything to Night Train to Terror, but even then I feel like that’s dragging the Night Train’s fine name through the mud. I mean, honestly, as a fan of schlock I lap up bad acting, loose plots, and just the general DIY spirit in genre pictures, but this one just weighed me down with all these questions, like, in the back of their mind were the film makers thinking this would be their way into the film industry? How many people have ever even seen or heard of this movie? How messed up is my life when I get to the point where I just sit down and finish a movie like this start to finish? Y’know, I’m not sure I can say for certain any other movie has opened up as many questions about my world as this one has.
151) Warhol’s Dracula (1974) ***: Yo, I fucking LOVE Paul Morrissey flicks, and I dug his Frankenstein quite a bit, so no surprise that I dug this one too. It’s erotic, it’s lavish, it’s garish, what else could you ask for? I mean, I will say what I like this guy’s flicks most for is their realism, so the “film and see what happens” approach, to, say, Trash feels kind of restricted when it’s applied to genre, but what can you do. This and Frankenstein were obviously experiments, and I think they succeed greatly in what they go for.
152) Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter (1990) *: A Troma ripoff that manages to be slightly more coherent than what Troma was doing at the time. Don’t worry, it’s still absurd enough to live up to the title…Maybe not the cover art though, that thing is beautiful!
153) Day of the Maniac (1972) *: Hmmm, can’t say I remember much of this one. It seems to be a fairly well respected giallo, though. You might also know the title as All The Colors of the Dark.
154) Deathship (1980) *: Well, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for how good a haaaunted ship movie can be, and I’m not saying this quite gets there even, but overall it still ain’t a bad watch (and I should also note that haunted ANYTHING movies have a tendency to bore me to tears). The blood shower scene is obviously the winner for me
155) The Alien Dead (1980) **: “That meteor didn’t kill those people, it turned them into goddamn monsters!” Well, there you have it. Alien Dead is a thoroughly entertaining, zilch budget Floridian NOTLD homage with some local yokel flavor. It’s pure mindless bliss, but if you can’t get behind “renegator” and a scene involving a dog eating his master’s guts segueing directly into banjo music, then you’re on your own.
156) Scared To Death (1981) *: I know I’ve seen this, but I seriously can’t remember anything about it. Something about a detective and an Alien? I dunno, these post-Alien alien flicks kind of blur together after awhile.
157) Warlock Moon (1975) **: You’re lucky you were made in ’75, Warlock Moon, ‘cause if shit didn’t look so cool during this era, and there wasn’t such a higher standard for exploitation than, say, 10 years later, you’d be pretty boring. As it stands, I can hang, but the nuts and bolts of the movie aren’t particularly outstanding. There’s some endearing acting, good locations, and enough general care put into the flick to make it worth watching, though.
158) Bloody Wednesday (1985) zilch: “In 1 hour and 26 minutes 35 people will lose their lives!” Wow, Prism really knew how to sell people on their vids back in the day, did they not? Catching a bit of a Taxi Driver style bleak urban vibe from this, but y’know, not pulled off well enough to make this a legitimate movie or anything.
159) Blood Tide (1982) ***: I liked this movie a lot. It’s really more of a study of the extremely engrossing characters than a monster movie, which is probably why I can remember more about James Earl Jone’s relationship with his girlfriend than what the monster who was terrorizing the Greek village looked like. Actually, I wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the nuts and bolts of this flick, other than it was a fairly mature film with great acting and some genuinely creepy moments. I might actually draw a comparison to The Wicker Man in the general tone, which is a great compliment in my book.
160) Crawlers (1990) zilch: Oh, hey, I thought this was just regular shitty, I didn’t realize Joe D’amato was at the helm! This is just a few notches below the production quality of, say, the average Full Moon picture (which is to say, a step up for D’amato), and unfortunately it’s just as boring and trite as those flicks. No skin, no good death scenes, really…I mean, we’re talking radioactive roots and there’s no graphic rape scene? For shame! I mean, if you like schlock and bad lines with worse deliver, by all means, but you could just as well watch any Sci-Fi Channel original production and get the same out of it.
161) Edge of Sanity (1989) **: I’m tempted to give this one three stars, ‘cause I did thoroughly enjoy the flick, but you have only Perkins to thank for making this one work, really. At base it’s an “edgy,” more “adult” retooling of the Jeckyll and Hyde motif, which, now that I type it, sounds pretty revolting, but there’s enough lurid sex, and again, A Perks to make this work, somehow.
162) Death in Hollywood (1980) zilch: Okay, this one’s not even ON IMDB, so what’s that tell you? The movie (?) is based on an eccentric relic from the Hollywood’s golden era staging a comeback by producing an adaptation of some book, and of course there’s a web of betrayal and intrigue and what have you. Seriously, I know this expression gets tossed around, but this is pretty much is THEE bottom of the barrel right here. Seriously, when you find yourself watching VECTOR HOME VIDEO presentations of teleplays it’s time to go outside, get some fresh air, smell the daisies and all that.
163) Howling II (1985) *: Two things I will always remember about this film: great head exploding scene, and suuuuper cheesy goth club graffiti with shit like “BAT CAVE” and “SPECIMEN” written on the walls. Definitely the most tolerable of the sequels, but still a waste of time.
164) Howling III (1987) zilch: I watched all these in one day, and the only notes I have on it are “baby wolf shapeshifters.” I’ll let you figure that one out.
165) Howling IV (1988) zilch: Fuck, these all kind of blended together after awhile. I think this one had some cool Satanic ritual stuff, and maybe a werewolf sex scene? Like I said, this stuff all blends together after awhile.
166) Howling V (1989) zilch: Ugh, only one more left, I’m almost free…
167) Howling VI (1991) zilch: Okay, they were kinda running out of steam by this one. Something about a bunch of circus freaks and a ghost town or something?
168) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, I guess this is more action than horror, but hey, it’s the 80’s, there’s a bunch of teenagers misbehavin’ in the woods, so it’s fair game as far as I’m concerned. This is more of a woodland Over The Edge, as a bunch of campers overthrow their camp and party…TEENAGER STYLE! After some dissent in the group and a rape trial (?!) it starts to resemble Lord of the Flies a bit more, but the highlight for me is, of course, the cover of Fear’s “Beef Bologna” which must be seen to be believed.
169) Bloodsuckers (1970) *: Can’t say I remember much of this, but I do remember some classy and swank 70’s Satanic rituals, which never hurts anything.
170) Flesh Feast (1970) zilch: Floridian exploitation piece. Pretty boring and overall worthless. Spoiler alert: The last shot is a decapitated Hitler head. Just throwing that out there.
171) Doctor Death (1973) *: I liked this movie, but I’m a sucker for malevolent characters hamming it up, and the “Doctor Death” of the title has a heavy Wizard of Gore vibe. That should tip you off that despite coming out in the heyday of low key horror/exploitation with a distinctly “modern” feel, the good doctor chooses to take us back into 60’s b-movie territory, but with some updated blood n’ gore. Also worth noting that this is Moe from 3 Stooges last role!
172) Doctor Doom (1963) *
173) New Invisible Man (1958) *
174) Spiritism (1962) **
175) Curse of the Doll people (1961) *:
176) Curse of the Crying Woman **: These were all part of this cheapo six movie Mexican horror set (I had already seen Night of the Bloody Apes). I lined ‘em up in a row, so obviously there’s a lot of blurring together, but I found them all to be slightly above par drive-in faire. Considering the year they were all produced, obviously these are a bit tame for my tastes, but I do like me some shadows and fog and spooky atmospheric stuff, and a lot of these (especially Spiritism) delivered in spades. These definitely weren’t as good as some of the Something Weird Mexi-horror vids I’ve seen, but you definitely gotta be willing to take the good with the bad with this stuff.
177) Igor + The Lunatics (60’s/80’s) zilch: I guess this one started in the 60’s and didn’t get finished ‘til the 80’s, and the results are about exactly as strewn together as you might imagine. Seriously, I watched it all the way through and I’m still lost.
178) Night of the Zombies (1980) zilch: Boring as shit nazi zombie flick. Nothing more worth saying, this is just a tremendous piece of shit.
179) Schizo (1976) *: Typically restrained brit-horror faire with giallo overtones based around a woman on the run from the man who she thinks killed her mother. Of course there’s a bunch of twists and turns and a shock ending with a lot of nudity thrown in for good measure, which of course translates to a pretty entertaining flick.
180) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, with a name like that, obviously you want a dummy slasher, but this is an okay action-ish flick that’s kind of a play on the Lord of the Flies motif…Except with a band covering Fear songs. And a weird rape subplot. Eh, you can sit through it pretty easily.
181) Bloodsuckers (1970) n/a: Shit, I know this one had something to do with…Vampires? A rich family? I dunno, this one’s a blur to me.
182) Evil Ed (1995) zilch: Shitty straight to video Swedish import. Nothing really redeeming about this flick about a film editor who goes crazy editing violent horror flicks. Just pure crap.
183) House on Sorority Row (1983) *: Okay, what’s with this cover art? It looks like the cover of a coming of age romance novel or something. So great. I guess you could call this a slasher, I mean, you got a bunch of girls misbehaving in a house getting mysteriously picked off, so there’s not much else you’d call it. At least there’s a somewhat interesting plot revolving around the accidental murder of the uptight denmother.
184) Invitation to Hell (1984) **: Lite, made-for-TV schlock that’s actually pretty entertaining. I mean, Susan Lucci as the devil, are you gonna put that down? How about a dude in an astronaut suit wandering around hell? This is definitely 80’s cheese, but it’s fun enough to get me past the general “PG-dom” of made for TV horror.
185) Bloodlink (1982) **: This one’s not on DVD, which is weird, ‘cause it’s kind of a, y’know, real movie and all. I mean, when Michael Moriarty wants to play a cool character, the man can pull it off like none other, so he pretty much makes this instantly likeable, and makes you forget you’re watching a “psychological thriller” based around an evil twin motif. Yeah, there’re ridiculous plot holes and leaps of faith you take, but like I said, when you’re sucked in by Moriarty’s charm, it’s all water under the bridge. Great flick, for sure.
186) Keep My Grave Open (1976) ***: Ooooh, now this one I liked. Good case study on some nutty dame who’s fresh out of the asylum and going stir crazy in her spooky rural house. This plays like a less lurid, Americanized version of the best Jess Franco work, especially the scene where the woman applies the makeup and the camera just brings you uncomfortably close to the subject, which puts a completely different spin on the ritual. Honestly, there’s a lot more depth and atmosphere to this flick than you might expect to get from an obscure drive in picture, and I found myself getting really sucked in.
187) Devilfish (1984) *: Not just an Italian Jaws clone, but a LAMBERTO BAVA Jaws clone! You get a pretty much nonsensical plot, some decent looking girls, and of course oodles of schlock.
188) Dracula (1931) ***: Hey now, can’t beat the real thing, huh? Took me long enough, but I finally got down to watching the original ’31 version of Dracula, and it definitely holds up even after my mind’s been fully saturated with all the various mutations over the years. I dunno, I hate talking about these super classy numbers, but I do enjoy watching them on the few instances I can pull my mind out of the gutter.
189) Alabama’s Ghost (1973) ***: You don’t often hear this film’s name without the phrase “absurd” or “surreal” close behind, and probably for good reason. There’s a very post-psychedelic feel to the movie, with a heavy Robert Downey Sr. vibe (Putney Swope comes to mind), with a bit of Dr. Strangelove, and the Paul Morrissey/Mike Kuchar approach of deconstructing/reassembling American b-movie cinema. The plot has something to do with an aspiring nightclub entertainer coming across a dead magician’s stash and becoming a sort of counter culture icon through his newfound magic tricks, but you’ll probably be too absorbed with crazy visuals, cheap gags and bizarre film techniques to really worry too much about the plot details. Fairly heady stuff for sure, but it’s that rare breed of film that can appeal to both exploitation junkie and art house aficionado, so you’d be doing yourself a great disservice to miss this one. And as an added bonus this one’s hosted by Elvira. The box has been cut up to fit the case, though.
190) The Thirsty Dead (1974) *: This one’s shot in the Philippines and centers around a cult that abducts buxom babes and saps their fluids. It’s a Technicolor nightmare
191) Holy Terror (2002) zilch: Shit-fi digital camera turd revolving around…I dunno, some possession nonsense. I THINK there was boobs in this, but obviously not enough or of high enough quality to remember. Even if you’re like me and dig these DIY efforts on principle and for their ineptitude, this one’s a pass.
192) Black Demons (1991) **: Hmmm, I can’t recall ever being really impressed with an Umberto Lenzi flick (and yeah, I’ve seen his cannibal stuff), so I was surprised that this flick kept me engaged throughout, especially for coming out so late in the game. The one revolves around some tourists who get caught in the middle
193) Horror of Spider Island (1960) *: Schlocky as hell drive in stuff about some pin-up girl looking models stranded on an island for some reason, frolicking and being picked off by spider monsters. It’s typical b-move cheese, but I was able to sit through it all the way.
194) Bloody Pit of Horror (1965) *: Eh, adequate sub-Bava, Italian “killer-in-the-castle” flick. The killer looks corny/cool, and it’s all all around decent b-movie. Nothing to go crazy over, though.
195) The Dark (2005) zilch: Eh, this came on TV, figured I’d give it a whirl. Crap modern “psychological thriller” that plays with the not-at-all-tired “woman no one believes, but turns out to be right all along” premise.
196) Straight Jacket (1982) *: 1982, that’s way too late for this to be this cheeseball…Anyways, this one has a made-for-TV thriller vibe, and follows this really weak story about a woman who (gasp) used to be an alcoholic, and her asshole insurance agent husband who won’t let her forget it. They move into some shitty house, and she has these psychic visions of a murder that took place there a long time ago. She somehow gets one of the ex-cops who worked the unsolved murder case involved in the fiasco, and manages to have nothing interesting happen the entire movie. Somehow I sat through this shit, and it was kind of watchable in its own, retarded way, but it’s still incessantly stupid.
197) Slaughterhouse (1987) *: “SHIT YOU GUYS!” Decent slasher that following a the retard with a meat cleaver on the video cover killing people ‘cause his dad/uncle/whatever’s slaughterhouse is closing down. A minor entry into the rural creep genre, but an entry nonetheless.
198) Terror Creatures From The Grave (1965) n/a: Can’t remember this one for the life of me.
199) California Axe Massacre AKA Lisa, Lisa (1977) ***: Short, but very to the point flick about some bank robbers on the run, who hide out in an unsuspecting farmhouse. The only residents of the house are a catatonic old man, and Lisa, presumably the man’s granddaughter, who takes care of him. When you have a young woman and three criminals shacked up in a house for the duration of a film, there’s always this tension that SOMETHING is going to happen, but thankfully the film never goes the obvious route, and between the father, staring silently at the television, and the few words spoken by Lisa throughout the film, it’s really up to the viewer to pick up on all the undertones. The film is extremely subtle, but far from dull. With just a hair over an hour’s worth of actual film, there’s really not much down time to be had, anyways. This is an excellent film, masterfully crafted, and definitely worth checking out.
200) Massacre At Central High (1976) **: There’s a very proto-Heathers plot where a new kid comes into a school and doesn’t feel like going with the heirchy of bullydom, and when the bullies try to hammer down the nail that sticks out, the nail gets back by offing all the bullies, but then the film gets REALLY interesting when the once subservient student body starts acting just as bad as the bullies. You might ask “where are the adults when all this is happening?” Well, you might be a jerk, ‘cause who cares? The social allegory about the students needing leadership, even at the hands of bullies is kinda corny, but you also have to hand it to ‘em for at least TRYING to elevate what’s basically a typical revenge/slasher number and taking a left turn half way through instead of just dragging out the bully slayings to fill up the full 90 minutes. This is actually a really cool, enjoyable movie.
117) Nekromantik 2 (1991) **: Well, not sure what to say about these two…No, really, I’m kind of at a loss for words. I did really enjoy these flicks, though. There’s a great somber, melodramatic (in a good way) tone throughout, which definitely exceeded my expectations, as generally the only people who talk about movies are “fucked up shit” types (there’s plenty of that, too), so thankfully there’s more to these movies than “shocking” imagery . Am I a bad person if I only had to cringe during the animal processing scenes?
118) Scream 3 (2000) zilch: Gone doggin.’
119) Faust: Love of the Damned (2000) *: On the surface: shitty Spawn knock off. After digging deeper? Shitty spawn knockoff with special effects by the mighty Screaming Mad George! That definitely makes any movie worth watching, in my book, but don’t sweat the rest of the flick too much, it’ll ruin the good stuff.
120) Mutilator (1986) *: Pretty much a textbook slasher which shows how far some decent death scenes can take you. Plotwise, you got a bunch of teenagers at a beach house getting picked off one by one with a variety of creative weapons (I told you this was textbook, didn’t I?), including most notoriously a fish hook up a gals hoo hah. Let it never be said that Vestron didn’t know how to pick the classy ones.
121) Vampyros Lesbos (1971) **: I always heard this title thrown around, so I assumed it would be one of the better Franco flicks, but I found this one to be pretty average. I should probably give it some more attention down the line, but as far as languid, dreamy vampire stuff goes, I’ll take Female Vampire, thanks.
122) Bloody Moon (1981) *: Well, I like slashers, I like Jess Franco, but a Jess Franco slasher? Sounded like a good idea, but it didn’t take long into actually watching the movie that I realized my favorite Franco flicks are when he’s doing the exact opposite of a slasher, so no wonder this one didn’t really work for me. There are only shades of Franco’s atmosphere at play, and the death scenes are way too restrained to make this kind of a picture work, so really it ends up being the worst of both worlds. Oh well, another one of his flicks to cross off the list.
123) Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980) **: Oh what, just ‘cause blood & sleazefests are my cinematic bread and butter I can’t enjoy a decent made for TV kiddie Halloween flick with a young Goldblum at the helm? Really though, this is a surprisingly decent version of the story and I’d definitely watch this before that old queen Tim Burton’s version, yechhh.
124) Dead Girls (1990) *: Trying to get over the death of one of their band mates, the rock group “The Dead Girls” decide it’s best to take a sabbatical in the woods for awhile. And why not? It’s 1990, the slasher craze is on it’s way out, things should work out alright…Well, what do you think happens next? Yep, they start getting picked off one by one. This one’s a little late to the game, but I can name a lot of much better known flicks from about 5 years earlier that were way worse than this. Great death scenes, some tna, and of course all the cheese that comes with an all girl death rock group in a horror movie.
125) Satan’s Blade (1984) **: Well, I went into this expecting some full blown SOV retardation, 555 style, but there’s actually a lot of character to this low budget obscurity to raise it above the dregs. Actually, if you’re expecting cheese and over-the-top gore, you’re sure to be disappointed, as the nudity’s kept to a minimum, and the death scenes are pretty sub par, but there are these weird elements like “plot,” and “dialogue,” I think they call it, that kept me pretty engaged throughout. I mean, obviously no one’s reinventing the wheel with this one; you got a cursed knife that possesses its holder into doing evil, some cabins in the woods, a body count (body motherfuckin’ count), so it’s nothing too new, but there’s a weird dichotomy between the married couple cabin and single college girl cabin at play, and for whatever reason I found myself kind of warming up the to characters more than I usually do in these movies. Yeah, I’d say it’s definitely worth a watch or three.
126) Act of Vengeance (1974) **: Fairly absurd number about a rapist who makes his victims sing “Jingle Bells” while doing the deed. Yes, the guy wears a hockey mask a’la Jason and a jumpsuit a’la Michael Myers, but if you’re looking for a proto-slasher this ain’t exactly it, as the film takes more of a movie of the week approach to a typical 70’s exploitation rape/revenge motif. With its over acting and crude caricatures, you’ll find yourself longing for Italo sleazefests where rape is simply eroticized, and not treated like an after school special. I keep drawing comparisons to made for TV movies, but fear not exploitation hounds, there’s enough, uh, “visceral imagery” to keep this out of PG territory, and overall, despite the grossly inappropriate tone in relation to the subject matter, this is an enjoyable movie, even if it is, y’know…INCREDIBLY stupid.
127) Night After Halloween AKA Snapshot (1979) **: Another one I found myself enjoying and reflecting upon more than I probably should. At base you have a standard twist-and-turn giallo, UK style (read: sans excessive gore/nudity), revolving around a young woman trying to find her way in the world as a hair dresser, and then a model/bohemian. This obsessive dude from her “old life” keeps sweatin’ her, which of course makes him a prime suspect in the murders that start popping up around our protagonist. I dunno, maybe I was just in the mood for a flick like this, but it worked for me quite a bit.
128) House of Terror AKA Kidnapped Coed (1976) ***: I liked this movie quite a bit. It’s a nice Stockholm Syndrome themed piece with a kidnapped girl warming up to her kidnapper. The only way to make these flicks work is if you find yourself warming up to the abductor in the same way as the victim, and Friedel thankfully knows how to sculpt a character. This is a prime example of the kind of low-key, dialogue driven, American exploitation that instantly clicks with me every time. This and Friedel’s other flick, Lisa, Lisa are absolutely essential viewing if you’re into that sort of thing.
129) Horror Hospital (1973) **: Man do I ever have a soft spot for psych-sploitation 70’s British horror…Well, I guess the only other flick I’ve seen that really fits that description would be the mighty Psychomania, which of course I had on my mind the entire time watching this little gem. There’s some corny plot about a dude getting kicked out of his rock band and going to a spa for “young people” to get his head straight, but the place turns out to be some kind of zombie factory or something, and then it’s up to him and some dame he met there to escape! Yeah, really cutting edge stuff, but the real charm, of course, comes from the attempt at being “hip” and “with it” or whatever. The midgets, nudity, and ultra cool zombie factory police in biker helmets don’t hurt, either. Great Gorgon Video release with killer clamshell art.
130) Frightmare (1983) *: Some no good kids get a hair up their ass to hijack the dead body of a Vincent Price-esque golden age horror movie star, and shenanigans ensue. Lite entertainment all the way here, so lite it’s not a stretch to call this a waste of time.
131) Love Thrill Murders (1971) **: Ah, Mansonsploitation, one of the tackiest and groan educing sub genre that exists. It’s all here folks, drugged out hippy orgies, bearded cult leaders, mingling with the straights and the inevitable massacre that follows. I guess Bloodsucking Freaks, another 70’s flick Troma’s managed to keep in circulation isn’t too far off of a comparison as far as hamfisted but effective entertainment is concerned.
132) Aliens (1986) ***: Been so long since I’ve seen this, I might as well have never seen it at all. I saw the first flick recently, and was kind of underwhelmed, but this one makes a lot more sense to me. The visuals are what really grabs me when I watch it now, but I don’t think I really have much to say about any of these flicks that hasn’t been said better elsewhere.
133) Fatal Pulse (1988) *: Another 80’s slasher obscurity. Of course you got your borderline bdsm death scenes, tna, all the goodies, but what’ll undoubtedly stick to your ribs is the fact that the film makers insisted on inserting this “booOOooing” sound effect everytime the party dude character (name escapes me) comes on screen. Okay, at first it’s fine, they’re college kids, he’s the whaaacky sidekick, why not have a sound effect introduce him, but they do this EVERY TIME he comes on screen, and no s***, at one point the protagonist and the girl who doesn’t get killed are having this serious discussion about all the murders, and how she just lost her friend and all that, and yep “BOOOOOOING,” it’s PARTY DUDE MGEE, HE’S IN THIS SCENE NOW! Seriously, hats off guys, stuff like that is pretty much the reason I watch movies. Another fine CELEBRITY VIDEO release.
134) Cheerleader Camp (1987) *: Seminal 80’s schlock fest. You kinda know what you’re getting into with this one, so it’s not like you can fault it for being what it is, which is a teen oriented typical slasher with healthy servings of camp and tna.
135) Monkey Shines (1988) **: Fairly middle of the road venture about a runner who gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed, then gets a lab monkey from his scientist friend. Either through the lab chemicals or the trauma of the accident, the guy and monkey form this symbiotic relationship, which is more confusing than creepy. Then the guy hits it off with a chick, the monkey gets jealous, and then it’s bad news for everyone. There’s some attempt to address man’s “primitive” nature and all that, but like I said, this is so adult (yuppie, even) oriented that nothing’s really visceral enough to leave much of an impact.
136) Link (1986) zilch: Anthropologist studies apes. Wide eyed student gets hired to help the anthropologist. Apes off the anthropologist and now it’s student vs. monkey in a dusty mansion survival match to the death. For a “thriller” it’s not quite thrilling, and it goes on for way too long. I dunno, just an overall snooze fest, unless you’re just dying to see an ape chase a chick around a house for 100 minutes.
137) Twice Dead (1988) *: A family in a financial bind inherits a house from a relative, but when they arrive they find the place overrun with bad kids, just lousy with a rag-tag group of punks trying their hardest to do their best Lost Boys impression (sans vampirism, of course). The family decides to hold its ground, but most of the fighting is done by their teenage son who defends their homestead the best way he knows how: BOOBY TRAPS! But these traps are set up to SCAAAAAAARE the ruthless street hoodlums into leaving their house alone. A series of far fetched near escapes goes down, some peripheral characters get offed in the process, you know the deal…Some supernatural fuelled death scenes get tacked on at the end for the flick to qualify as horror, but then a gajillion fake endings just make you feel insulted. Not a bad time waster, but you’re better off playing Tetris.
138) The Power (1984) zilch: Your standard “ancient artifact brings out murderous rage in unsuspecting victim” motif. Some okay death scenes scattered throughout, but nothing that quite makes up for all the down time.
139) Hide and Go Shriek (1988) *: Tediously generic slasher in which some teens spend the night in an old warehouse and get picked off one by one. Enough sex and cheesy acting to keep genre fans sedate, but some better death scenes could have provided some much needed grit and ugliness.
140) The Confessional (1976) *: My confession? I spaced out for most of this. It’s hard to keep some of these british numbers straight if you’re not in the mood, and this one’s pretty dry. I can’t really say this was BAD, bad, but I doubt I’ll be putting in the time for a rewatch anytime soon.
141) The Demon (1979) zilch: Ugh, SO fucking convoluted. This starts out as a psychic detective kind of flick, but the victims of the killer are too random for that to go on for very long, and the movie never quite reaches slasher pace. Some nudity and a decent enough climax makes for something I guess, bug everything that goes on up until then is just a waste of your time.
142) Deadly Sunday (1982) **: I found this obscurity to be quite refreshing. A family wanders into a stickup and the pack of criminals (who outnumber the hostages it seems) create a climate of fear for about 90 minutes or so. There’s kind of an inept Dog Day Afternoon feel, but I really appreciate the real time aspect of the film more than anything. And the fact that you’re in the process of a crime with no reprieve, no police negotiations, no external subplot, just this holdup from the beginning to end of the movie does create a somewhat unsettling atmosphere. Of course the characters are more like caricatures, and most of the attempts to give the gunmen any depth, such as the pathetic rape sequence just feel forced and tacked on. But still, for an independent film with minimal cast and location they manage to make the film work. Definitely worth checking out if you’re in the mood for some barebones exploitation.
143) Dance or Die (1987) *: Fucking MIND NUMBING shot on video stupidity here. Prime example of Chinese menu , mix-and-match style premise. “Uh, you got a…Recovering coke addict with a…Dance troupe in…Las Vegas!” Aaaaand, script. Like, so much stupid shit goes down that has nothing to do with acting, budget, film quality, or whatever…Such as naming the criminal you’re supposed to be living in fear of “Turtle.” I think this is supposed to be a “thriller” or something, but I can’t imagine anyone who’s not into zilch budget horror and shitty movies in general getting any sort of kick out of this. It’s absurdity does make for an unintentionally very watchable flick, though, I must say.
144) Initiation of Sarah (1978) *: Pretty good for a made fro TV number, kind of a mash up of Carrie and…Oh, no, I guess that’s it, just a straight Carrie knockoff. Awkward girl with vaguely evil psychic powers goes to college with her cool sister and has to face the realities of sorority culture and all that. Like I said, this is made for TV, complete with spots for commercial breaks, but you could do worse as far as these flicks go. Still basically not worth watching, though
145) Omen IV (1991) *: Another made for TV joint, but it plays like an average straight to video number. Kind of jumbles the plots of Omen and Omen II, with the parents suspecting their daughter (yeah, a girl this time, TWIST!) of nogoodery as they see her mature, and the daughter doing the jealous routine of the first Omen. They try to make it all grand scale by the end, though, but you can still tell where these chips are gonna fall. Really, outside of some themes, there’s nothing technique-wise which makes this horror, and you could get this mistaken with a Problem Child sequel with the TERRIBLE score (I swear I hear swipes from Batman The Animated Series pop up here and there) and all little kids being bad. Basically just a typical, mildly entertaining movie, which I guess is the point of these made for TV joints, so there you go.
146) Name For Evil (1973) zilch: Yeah, you gotta work pretty hard to make a flick centering around some yuppies dropping out and moving to a haunted grove and having orgies in the woods and have it be this boring, but yes, they do manage to pull it off. Basically you got a typical “GET OUT” style haunted house flick with this hippie “back to nature” stuff tacked on which just makes for a confused and tedious venture. Unless you get off on nudist footage, I’d just sit this out out.
147) The Last Slumber Party (1988) zilch: No, not even the titillating title and promise of “MUSIC BY FIRSTRYKE (sic)” on the cover could save this one. In all fairness I was watching it on a beat to hell exrental that was cutting in and out like nobody’s biz, but for a shot on video schlock fest this falls way short of the grizzly death and gawdy nude scenes you come to expect from the best of these films. The excessive homophobic slurs was, uh, at least unexpected, but when a bunch of “f bombs” are most noteworthy aspects of a film, you know you’re in trouble.
148) Prom Night II (1987) *: The first one’s boring, the third one’s at least “fun” with its campiness and “80’s” teen factor, so I guess it’s only logical that the 2nd in the series is a middle, even more boring ground between the two. Think the kids who weren’t cool enough to get Saturday school in The Breakfast Club doing nothing with a ghost story in the background. Creepy animatronic carousel horse, at least.
149) Gates of Hell (1980) ***: One of the few Fulci films that just floored me right out the gate. The visuals and effects are perfect, the film has tons of eerie sounds, and an all around great atmosphere. When the man nails it, he fucking nails it, and this flick is definitely Fulci nailing it.
150) Satan’s Touch (1984) zilch: Alright folks we’re nearing the bottom, the point in which you get done watching the movie and just go “Jesus, what am I doing with my life?” Forget Salo, forget those blahblahblah of Death videos, it’s this mindless SOV retardation that’ll make you hate yourself for your obsession with crappy flicks. Like, just ignore the amazing cover art/title, because that might have you thinking this is remotely good, or, you know, based in horror in anyways. What you really get is a Tales from the Crypt…No, Darkside…No, GOOSEBUMPS style premise about the devil who “curses” this non-believer with the ability to NEVER lose a bet when he goes to Vegas. The mess lumbers on for 86 minutes, in which time you’ll have lost track of time from pummeling yourself in the face with your own fists. This might just be the only time in the history of people talking about movies that anyone has every compared anything to Night Train to Terror, but even then I feel like that’s dragging the Night Train’s fine name through the mud. I mean, honestly, as a fan of schlock I lap up bad acting, loose plots, and just the general DIY spirit in genre pictures, but this one just weighed me down with all these questions, like, in the back of their mind were the film makers thinking this would be their way into the film industry? How many people have ever even seen or heard of this movie? How messed up is my life when I get to the point where I just sit down and finish a movie like this start to finish? Y’know, I’m not sure I can say for certain any other movie has opened up as many questions about my world as this one has.
151) Warhol’s Dracula (1974) ***: Yo, I fucking LOVE Paul Morrissey flicks, and I dug his Frankenstein quite a bit, so no surprise that I dug this one too. It’s erotic, it’s lavish, it’s garish, what else could you ask for? I mean, I will say what I like this guy’s flicks most for is their realism, so the “film and see what happens” approach, to, say, Trash feels kind of restricted when it’s applied to genre, but what can you do. This and Frankenstein were obviously experiments, and I think they succeed greatly in what they go for.
152) Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter (1990) *: A Troma ripoff that manages to be slightly more coherent than what Troma was doing at the time. Don’t worry, it’s still absurd enough to live up to the title…Maybe not the cover art though, that thing is beautiful!
153) Day of the Maniac (1972) *: Hmmm, can’t say I remember much of this one. It seems to be a fairly well respected giallo, though. You might also know the title as All The Colors of the Dark.
154) Deathship (1980) *: Well, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for how good a haaaunted ship movie can be, and I’m not saying this quite gets there even, but overall it still ain’t a bad watch (and I should also note that haunted ANYTHING movies have a tendency to bore me to tears). The blood shower scene is obviously the winner for me
155) The Alien Dead (1980) **: “That meteor didn’t kill those people, it turned them into goddamn monsters!” Well, there you have it. Alien Dead is a thoroughly entertaining, zilch budget Floridian NOTLD homage with some local yokel flavor. It’s pure mindless bliss, but if you can’t get behind “renegator” and a scene involving a dog eating his master’s guts segueing directly into banjo music, then you’re on your own.
156) Scared To Death (1981) *: I know I’ve seen this, but I seriously can’t remember anything about it. Something about a detective and an Alien? I dunno, these post-Alien alien flicks kind of blur together after awhile.
157) Warlock Moon (1975) **: You’re lucky you were made in ’75, Warlock Moon, ‘cause if shit didn’t look so cool during this era, and there wasn’t such a higher standard for exploitation than, say, 10 years later, you’d be pretty boring. As it stands, I can hang, but the nuts and bolts of the movie aren’t particularly outstanding. There’s some endearing acting, good locations, and enough general care put into the flick to make it worth watching, though.
158) Bloody Wednesday (1985) zilch: “In 1 hour and 26 minutes 35 people will lose their lives!” Wow, Prism really knew how to sell people on their vids back in the day, did they not? Catching a bit of a Taxi Driver style bleak urban vibe from this, but y’know, not pulled off well enough to make this a legitimate movie or anything.
159) Blood Tide (1982) ***: I liked this movie a lot. It’s really more of a study of the extremely engrossing characters than a monster movie, which is probably why I can remember more about James Earl Jone’s relationship with his girlfriend than what the monster who was terrorizing the Greek village looked like. Actually, I wouldn’t concern yourself too much with the nuts and bolts of this flick, other than it was a fairly mature film with great acting and some genuinely creepy moments. I might actually draw a comparison to The Wicker Man in the general tone, which is a great compliment in my book.
160) Crawlers (1990) zilch: Oh, hey, I thought this was just regular shitty, I didn’t realize Joe D’amato was at the helm! This is just a few notches below the production quality of, say, the average Full Moon picture (which is to say, a step up for D’amato), and unfortunately it’s just as boring and trite as those flicks. No skin, no good death scenes, really…I mean, we’re talking radioactive roots and there’s no graphic rape scene? For shame! I mean, if you like schlock and bad lines with worse deliver, by all means, but you could just as well watch any Sci-Fi Channel original production and get the same out of it.
161) Edge of Sanity (1989) **: I’m tempted to give this one three stars, ‘cause I did thoroughly enjoy the flick, but you have only Perkins to thank for making this one work, really. At base it’s an “edgy,” more “adult” retooling of the Jeckyll and Hyde motif, which, now that I type it, sounds pretty revolting, but there’s enough lurid sex, and again, A Perks to make this work, somehow.
162) Death in Hollywood (1980) zilch: Okay, this one’s not even ON IMDB, so what’s that tell you? The movie (?) is based on an eccentric relic from the Hollywood’s golden era staging a comeback by producing an adaptation of some book, and of course there’s a web of betrayal and intrigue and what have you. Seriously, I know this expression gets tossed around, but this is pretty much is THEE bottom of the barrel right here. Seriously, when you find yourself watching VECTOR HOME VIDEO presentations of teleplays it’s time to go outside, get some fresh air, smell the daisies and all that.
163) Howling II (1985) *: Two things I will always remember about this film: great head exploding scene, and suuuuper cheesy goth club graffiti with shit like “BAT CAVE” and “SPECIMEN” written on the walls. Definitely the most tolerable of the sequels, but still a waste of time.
164) Howling III (1987) zilch: I watched all these in one day, and the only notes I have on it are “baby wolf shapeshifters.” I’ll let you figure that one out.
165) Howling IV (1988) zilch: Fuck, these all kind of blended together after awhile. I think this one had some cool Satanic ritual stuff, and maybe a werewolf sex scene? Like I said, this stuff all blends together after awhile.
166) Howling V (1989) zilch: Ugh, only one more left, I’m almost free…
167) Howling VI (1991) zilch: Okay, they were kinda running out of steam by this one. Something about a bunch of circus freaks and a ghost town or something?
168) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, I guess this is more action than horror, but hey, it’s the 80’s, there’s a bunch of teenagers misbehavin’ in the woods, so it’s fair game as far as I’m concerned. This is more of a woodland Over The Edge, as a bunch of campers overthrow their camp and party…TEENAGER STYLE! After some dissent in the group and a rape trial (?!) it starts to resemble Lord of the Flies a bit more, but the highlight for me is, of course, the cover of Fear’s “Beef Bologna” which must be seen to be believed.
169) Bloodsuckers (1970) *: Can’t say I remember much of this, but I do remember some classy and swank 70’s Satanic rituals, which never hurts anything.
170) Flesh Feast (1970) zilch: Floridian exploitation piece. Pretty boring and overall worthless. Spoiler alert: The last shot is a decapitated Hitler head. Just throwing that out there.
171) Doctor Death (1973) *: I liked this movie, but I’m a sucker for malevolent characters hamming it up, and the “Doctor Death” of the title has a heavy Wizard of Gore vibe. That should tip you off that despite coming out in the heyday of low key horror/exploitation with a distinctly “modern” feel, the good doctor chooses to take us back into 60’s b-movie territory, but with some updated blood n’ gore. Also worth noting that this is Moe from 3 Stooges last role!
172) Doctor Doom (1963) *
173) New Invisible Man (1958) *
174) Spiritism (1962) **
175) Curse of the Doll people (1961) *:
176) Curse of the Crying Woman **: These were all part of this cheapo six movie Mexican horror set (I had already seen Night of the Bloody Apes). I lined ‘em up in a row, so obviously there’s a lot of blurring together, but I found them all to be slightly above par drive-in faire. Considering the year they were all produced, obviously these are a bit tame for my tastes, but I do like me some shadows and fog and spooky atmospheric stuff, and a lot of these (especially Spiritism) delivered in spades. These definitely weren’t as good as some of the Something Weird Mexi-horror vids I’ve seen, but you definitely gotta be willing to take the good with the bad with this stuff.
177) Igor + The Lunatics (60’s/80’s) zilch: I guess this one started in the 60’s and didn’t get finished ‘til the 80’s, and the results are about exactly as strewn together as you might imagine. Seriously, I watched it all the way through and I’m still lost.
178) Night of the Zombies (1980) zilch: Boring as shit nazi zombie flick. Nothing more worth saying, this is just a tremendous piece of shit.
179) Schizo (1976) *: Typically restrained brit-horror faire with giallo overtones based around a woman on the run from the man who she thinks killed her mother. Of course there’s a bunch of twists and turns and a shock ending with a lot of nudity thrown in for good measure, which of course translates to a pretty entertaining flick.
180) Summer Camp Nightmare (1987) *: Well, with a name like that, obviously you want a dummy slasher, but this is an okay action-ish flick that’s kind of a play on the Lord of the Flies motif…Except with a band covering Fear songs. And a weird rape subplot. Eh, you can sit through it pretty easily.
181) Bloodsuckers (1970) n/a: Shit, I know this one had something to do with…Vampires? A rich family? I dunno, this one’s a blur to me.
182) Evil Ed (1995) zilch: Shitty straight to video Swedish import. Nothing really redeeming about this flick about a film editor who goes crazy editing violent horror flicks. Just pure crap.
183) House on Sorority Row (1983) *: Okay, what’s with this cover art? It looks like the cover of a coming of age romance novel or something. So great. I guess you could call this a slasher, I mean, you got a bunch of girls misbehaving in a house getting mysteriously picked off, so there’s not much else you’d call it. At least there’s a somewhat interesting plot revolving around the accidental murder of the uptight denmother.
184) Invitation to Hell (1984) **: Lite, made-for-TV schlock that’s actually pretty entertaining. I mean, Susan Lucci as the devil, are you gonna put that down? How about a dude in an astronaut suit wandering around hell? This is definitely 80’s cheese, but it’s fun enough to get me past the general “PG-dom” of made for TV horror.
185) Bloodlink (1982) **: This one’s not on DVD, which is weird, ‘cause it’s kind of a, y’know, real movie and all. I mean, when Michael Moriarty wants to play a cool character, the man can pull it off like none other, so he pretty much makes this instantly likeable, and makes you forget you’re watching a “psychological thriller” based around an evil twin motif. Yeah, there’re ridiculous plot holes and leaps of faith you take, but like I said, when you’re sucked in by Moriarty’s charm, it’s all water under the bridge. Great flick, for sure.
186) Keep My Grave Open (1976) ***: Ooooh, now this one I liked. Good case study on some nutty dame who’s fresh out of the asylum and going stir crazy in her spooky rural house. This plays like a less lurid, Americanized version of the best Jess Franco work, especially the scene where the woman applies the makeup and the camera just brings you uncomfortably close to the subject, which puts a completely different spin on the ritual. Honestly, there’s a lot more depth and atmosphere to this flick than you might expect to get from an obscure drive in picture, and I found myself getting really sucked in.
187) Devilfish (1984) *: Not just an Italian Jaws clone, but a LAMBERTO BAVA Jaws clone! You get a pretty much nonsensical plot, some decent looking girls, and of course oodles of schlock.
188) Dracula (1931) ***: Hey now, can’t beat the real thing, huh? Took me long enough, but I finally got down to watching the original ’31 version of Dracula, and it definitely holds up even after my mind’s been fully saturated with all the various mutations over the years. I dunno, I hate talking about these super classy numbers, but I do enjoy watching them on the few instances I can pull my mind out of the gutter.
189) Alabama’s Ghost (1973) ***: You don’t often hear this film’s name without the phrase “absurd” or “surreal” close behind, and probably for good reason. There’s a very post-psychedelic feel to the movie, with a heavy Robert Downey Sr. vibe (Putney Swope comes to mind), with a bit of Dr. Strangelove, and the Paul Morrissey/Mike Kuchar approach of deconstructing/reassembling American b-movie cinema. The plot has something to do with an aspiring nightclub entertainer coming across a dead magician’s stash and becoming a sort of counter culture icon through his newfound magic tricks, but you’ll probably be too absorbed with crazy visuals, cheap gags and bizarre film techniques to really worry too much about the plot details. Fairly heady stuff for sure, but it’s that rare breed of film that can appeal to both exploitation junkie and art house aficionado, so you’d be doing yourself a great disservice to miss this one. And as an added bonus this one’s hosted by Elvira. The box has been cut up to fit the case, though.
190) The Thirsty Dead (1974) *: This one’s shot in the Philippines and centers around a cult that abducts buxom babes and saps their fluids. It’s a Technicolor nightmare
191) Holy Terror (2002) zilch: Shit-fi digital camera turd revolving around…I dunno, some possession nonsense. I THINK there was boobs in this, but obviously not enough or of high enough quality to remember. Even if you’re like me and dig these DIY efforts on principle and for their ineptitude, this one’s a pass.
192) Black Demons (1991) **: Hmmm, I can’t recall ever being really impressed with an Umberto Lenzi flick (and yeah, I’ve seen his cannibal stuff), so I was surprised that this flick kept me engaged throughout, especially for coming out so late in the game. The one revolves around some tourists who get caught in the middle
193) Horror of Spider Island (1960) *: Schlocky as hell drive in stuff about some pin-up girl looking models stranded on an island for some reason, frolicking and being picked off by spider monsters. It’s typical b-move cheese, but I was able to sit through it all the way.
194) Bloody Pit of Horror (1965) *: Eh, adequate sub-Bava, Italian “killer-in-the-castle” flick. The killer looks corny/cool, and it’s all all around decent b-movie. Nothing to go crazy over, though.
195) The Dark (2005) zilch: Eh, this came on TV, figured I’d give it a whirl. Crap modern “psychological thriller” that plays with the not-at-all-tired “woman no one believes, but turns out to be right all along” premise.
196) Straight Jacket (1982) *: 1982, that’s way too late for this to be this cheeseball…Anyways, this one has a made-for-TV thriller vibe, and follows this really weak story about a woman who (gasp) used to be an alcoholic, and her asshole insurance agent husband who won’t let her forget it. They move into some shitty house, and she has these psychic visions of a murder that took place there a long time ago. She somehow gets one of the ex-cops who worked the unsolved murder case involved in the fiasco, and manages to have nothing interesting happen the entire movie. Somehow I sat through this shit, and it was kind of watchable in its own, retarded way, but it’s still incessantly stupid.
197) Slaughterhouse (1987) *: “SHIT YOU GUYS!” Decent slasher that following a the retard with a meat cleaver on the video cover killing people ‘cause his dad/uncle/whatever’s slaughterhouse is closing down. A minor entry into the rural creep genre, but an entry nonetheless.
198) Terror Creatures From The Grave (1965) n/a: Can’t remember this one for the life of me.
199) California Axe Massacre AKA Lisa, Lisa (1977) ***: Short, but very to the point flick about some bank robbers on the run, who hide out in an unsuspecting farmhouse. The only residents of the house are a catatonic old man, and Lisa, presumably the man’s granddaughter, who takes care of him. When you have a young woman and three criminals shacked up in a house for the duration of a film, there’s always this tension that SOMETHING is going to happen, but thankfully the film never goes the obvious route, and between the father, staring silently at the television, and the few words spoken by Lisa throughout the film, it’s really up to the viewer to pick up on all the undertones. The film is extremely subtle, but far from dull. With just a hair over an hour’s worth of actual film, there’s really not much down time to be had, anyways. This is an excellent film, masterfully crafted, and definitely worth checking out.
200) Massacre At Central High (1976) **: There’s a very proto-Heathers plot where a new kid comes into a school and doesn’t feel like going with the heirchy of bullydom, and when the bullies try to hammer down the nail that sticks out, the nail gets back by offing all the bullies, but then the film gets REALLY interesting when the once subservient student body starts acting just as bad as the bullies. You might ask “where are the adults when all this is happening?” Well, you might be a jerk, ‘cause who cares? The social allegory about the students needing leadership, even at the hands of bullies is kinda corny, but you also have to hand it to ‘em for at least TRYING to elevate what’s basically a typical revenge/slasher number and taking a left turn half way through instead of just dragging out the bully slayings to fill up the full 90 minutes. This is actually a really cool, enjoyable movie.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Febuary through June 2008
30) Phantasm (1979) ***: You know I never gave this flick a shot until now? I guess it was seeing the video store shelves cluttered with sequels that for whatever reason put me off, but man, this one’s a scorcher! Basically there’s a mortician reviving the dead and putting them up to no good, but they kick it up a notch when they reveal the mortician guy’s motives. THE scene with the crazy ball thing is an incredibly sophisticated kill scene, especially for ‘79, and I was just really caught off guard by how overall engrossing and competent this flick is. I don’t know if Phantasm’s underrated or I’m retarded for not paying more attention, but I’ll be taking this one for another spin real soon.
31) Sleepaway Camp (1983) ***: Here’s a cult classic that really lives up to its status, and if the last scene is all you can remember about his one, you’re definitely due for a refreshment viewing. I never really noticed the weirdo sexual overtones and puberty theme at play, probably because the last time I saw this I was in the throes of puberty myself, but that stuff adds a great element to an already competent slasher. Pure entertainment.
32) Crazy Fat Ethyl: Criminally Insane 2 (1987) zilch: I’ll admit that I’m at times a little too lenient with these shot on video efforts, but man, even I can’t hang with this number. Granted, there are plenty of cringe worthy bursts of ineptitude, but the problem here lies in the splicing of the SOV footage from ’87 with hefty doses (like, probably 1/3 of the film’s running time) of the ‘75 original. I guess it does sort of have a punishingly incoherent, borderline surreal quality to it, but the film’s still probably closer to tedious than anything you’d want to watch.
33) Tales from the Crypt (1972) *: British anthology number revolving around a group of people in a weird purgatory type situation sitting around hearing the story of how they got theirs. That may or may not have been a “spoiler,” but whatever, as usual the pleasures from these movies come more from the twists of the individual chapters than the main plot. I’ll admit I kinda spaced out during large chunks of this flick, as I’m wont to do during these straight Brit horror numbers, but the razorblade lined tight hallway scene had me wincing for sure.
34) Skinned Alive (1989) *: Here’s a shot on video zilch budget slasher that relies heavily on a quasi-incestuous serial killing family who insist on delivering a barrage of FULL VOLUME DIALOGUE AT ALL TIMES that would make you think Rob Zombie was at the helm…You know, if the movie was like, way gayer. There’re some lines that are full blown SCORCHERS, though, just total jaw dropping what the fuck moments, and the death scenes are about what you’d expect from an SOV flick. Nothing worth hunting down, really, but I might watch this again at some point.
35) Frozen Scream (1975) *: I watched this a few weeks before getting Nightmare USA, a killer read that suggests, in part, you should treat this movie as a piece of psychedelic surrealism, as if the film portrays an alternate world where people REALLY ACT like this, and sort of look past all the “mad scientist freezing people and turning them into zombies” junk…Well, I guess I’ll accept your challenge somewhere down the line Stephen Thrower, because on first viewing this flick’s fairly typical drive-in fair with an ill shoestring ambient soundtrack that’s just a smidge too lite on the blood n’ tits to particularly move me. I’m willing to give it another shot though, but only because homeboy put the challenge out there.
36) Cemetary Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) ***: Wow, here’s a thoroughly enjoyable stylistic horror flick with lots of intriguing characters and surreal passages to keep the viewer enthralled start to finish. I’m usually quick to dismiss the more stylistic flicks, as the bells and whistles tend to lose their charm over time when the style outweighs the substance, but I’m gonna jump the gun and give this one an enthusiastic three stars with hopes this film turns out to be more of an Evil Dead (a stylistic horror film that holds up to multiple viewings through the years) than a From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (which does not).
37) Love Butcher (1975) **: At this point I’m used to, and essentially anticipate inept acting, special effects, dialogue, but this is one of those rare films where the jaw dropping moments come more by way of basic story arch issues than any justifiable budget constraint. If you’re reading this write up, you already know I’m not a stickler for cinematic rules, but I just couldn’t believe the twist this flick’s story took. I mean, the premise is fairly standard, you have this killer with a split personality: by day he’s a mistreated physically and mentally crippled gardener, and by night he assumes the role of accent feigning playboy who seduces then kills the same housewives who browbeat his gardener persona with various implements. SPOILER ALERT (REALLY): They spend a considerable chunk of the film developing the relationship between the journalist who’s “hot on the case” of this sadistic killer and his under attended fiancée. It’s your basic “you stay out of the way, reporter, this is police business” stuff. But then with about 20 minutes left on the clock when the journalist guy realizes not only who the killer is, but that he’s in the house with his fiancé, as the journalist rushes over to save her, he’s intercepted by the killer, and boom, dead. So you’re like, okay, it’s up to the wife to off this guy now, a revenge sort of thing, right? Nope, killer just offs the fiancé just the same. The killer walks away, gets hassled by the cops on the way home, gets out of THAT even…I really can’t tell watching this if the script goes this route to paint this bleak world that doesn’t bend to convention where the good guys win, or if the writer really just doesn’t know how stories are “supposed” to work. Like I said, every other part in the movie is purely conventional borderline hokum, so I don’t know, I’m leaving this one to you, but overall this is really enjoyable drive-in faire with enough carnage and skin to keep it on the right side of camp, even though there is a fill of hamming it up via the killer’s yokel gardener character.
38) Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (2000) zilch: Okay, yes this is a digital handheld camera shot nightmare with the most inane, dragged out scenes, lots of downtime, painfully bad execution on just about every level, but…Well, but nothing, that about sums it up, I guess. But I will say once that direct market delirium kicks in and your mind wanders from the movie and you’re just asking the hows and whys about the motivation of making this movie, and the private lives of everyone involved, it’s a great disorienting effect. Essentially what you have here is a bunch of 20 something Jerseyites spending their weekend making a zilch budget tactless exploitation film based on the Columbine shootings. I would LOVE to read the script for this nightmare, but I kind of refuse to believe there was one. All the “bad movie” staples are present, so going into the details of the unbelievable high school faculty, the absurdly forced “message” moments, and all the ridiculous caricatures of high school archetypes would just be tedious, but I’d be doing a great disservice to my readership if I didn’t take some time for my newest cinematic hero, KENDALL WARD. He’s been in all of one movie, and this is it, but man is it a doosie. His delivery of “The internet is for white folks. I don’t own a personal computer, nor do I care to own one” in “internet class” (the only class the students of Carbine High attend) is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Every moment this guy’s on screen is cinematic gold, and yes, actually makes watching this terrible, terrible movie worthwhile. To my surprise I actually saw a copy of this on DVD just sitting there in Fry’s. What the hell, there CAN’T be demand for this can there? The video I have doesn’t even have a fucking UPC code. But as easy as it is to dis it, I’m really glad movies like this exist. Talk as much about “underground” or “cult” cinema all you want, but without complete trash like this, without inept outsiders just fucking around with cameras, there is no underground or alternative to mainstream Hollywood worth talking about.
39) Brain Damage (1988) **: Cool late 80’s pscyhedelic horror flick which for all intents and purposes could be considered the true sequel to Basket Case. The seedy NY vibe of Basketcase is still in tact, as are the budget effects that stay just this side of camp. Plotwise you got this weird turdlike-brain-worm-thing, an “Aylmer,” that attaches to the protagonist’s neck and shoots him up with this fluid that puts the guy in an drugged state which effectively makes the dude a slave the the “Aylmer.” The Aylmer has the guy make him cakes and flip records for him all day…Oh no wait, that’s what I’d do with a slave, the Aylmer makes the guy do his dirty work and off various social miscreants. Really basic story, but the cheapo drug trip effects and grimy atmosphere make it work.
40) Halucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978) **: In this flick a man’s being driven mad by the images from various Coffin Joe films. Marins (who plays Coffin Joe) comes to console the man that Coffin Joe is just a myth, which seems to work…At first. Basically this is a re-editing of all the more over-the-top moments of Marins other movies put together as lengthy “delirium” montages. These are all great scenes, and a great concept, but it’s a bit tedious to sit through. It’s still a Coffin Joe flick though, which makes it worth seeing.
41) Women’s Club (1986) *: Some gals get fed up with all the rape going on in their town and decide to do something about it! So what do they do? Chop off some rapist dong, what else? Not as visceral as one of these flicks should be, this one’s probably more suited for the Lifetime channel than the grind house.
42) Creepshow 2 (1987) *: Pretty timid horror anthology, you all know the names of those involved, but I’ve had a soft spot for “The Raft” since I was a youngin.’ The other two stories are a bit tedious and corny, but I dunno, something about being stuck in the middle of the lake with a floating, gelatinous black mass, it works.
43) Castle Freak (1995) *: Don’t remember much of this one. A couple from The America travel to Euroland to check out a castle they inherited. This freaky mutant in the basement starts kills a prostitute the guy brought home, which leads to trouble with local law enforcement. This is a Full Moon jam, but it’s also done by the guy who did Reanimator, From Beyond and, uh, Robot Jox, so expect some decent gore scenes if nothing else…And no, there’s not much else.
44) Alien (1979) **: My girlfriend never saw this, which is more surprising to me than offensive, and I hadn’t seen the movie in years, so why not. This one’s a classic and all, but for whatever reason never really clicked with me in a major way. Not a bad movie by any means, just not one of those big time movies I can go as gah gah for as everyone says I should.
45) Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) *: I think I saw the 75 minute version of this, ‘cause this went by WAY quick. Not a bad thing either, especially for this sort of flick. And what type of flick would that be? Your standard Bangles-esque all girl rock group chased around by a drillguitar-wielding Andrew Dice Clay lookalike slasher. Yeah, as the title suggests, this is basically mindless fun. Not much that’ll stick with you (judging by the cut version, at least), but not a bad way to kill some time, either.
46) Kill, Baby, Kill (1966) **: Okay, I’ve watched this twice and CAN NOT make sense of the plot. Like, not even a skeletal outline. Great ambiance and visuals though, as one might expect from our man Bava.
47) I Dismember Mama (1974) ***: REALLY great flick about a kid on the run from the loony bin who has a real against ANY woman who’s had sex EVER and isn’t afraid to slash his problems away. He befriends a little girl along the way, and the movie sort of becomes the story of how this deranged killer can form a relationship with this innocent girl. If you’re into exploitation think pieces in disguise like The Mafu Cage or Poor Pretty Eddy, you’ll dig this one. I know I’ll definitely be watching a lot more of this this year.
48) Splatter University (1984) zilch: Pretty tedious Troma faire here. No skin and ho-hum slashings leave the viewer paying more attention to how cool these Jersey goombas dressed back in the day than anything else. The film does have a good look to it, to the point where I’d believe it was made 10 years earlier, but rest assured, this is basically a really boring movie.
49) Slugs (1988) *: Not bad stuff here. You got your standard “mutant
[fill in the blank] start killing people because of greedy corporate pollution.” This time around, as you might have guess, the [blank] are slugs, which leads to some pretty far fetched (but nonetheless competent and grizzly) death scenes, and a grand finale that’s logistically absurd. I mean, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for exactly how good these kind of movies can be, and I would even say Slugs reaches it, but I got through the flick without being too bored, which is no small feat when you’re talking a movie based around MUTANT SLUGS.
50) 555 (1988) **: Really grizzly, ugly no budget SOV slasher. This one kept my attention, probably due in part to EVERY woman who’s on screen for even a second getting nude, whether you want her to or not. This is the kind of movie that embraces the ugly, mean spirited nature of its genre and does nothing to make it easy for the viewer to digest. It’s completely mindless, of course, but since when do I have a problem with that?
51) Final Exam (1981) *: I forget the specifics with this one plot-wise, but basically there’s some dude picking off students on campus, for I’m pretty sure no reason whatsoever. Obviously there’s a general mindlessness that goes on with this sort of thing, but I seriously think there’s NO reason behind the killings in this. The characters are surprisingly convincing/entertaining for this type of flick, and there’s tons of straight up homoerotic stuff going on courtesy of “Wild Man,” the muscle headed frat boy. The slashin’ and stabbin’ doesn’t get too out of control, so gore hounds might wanna sit this one out, but if you’re not opposed to the more teen side of horror, or can’t decide between a slasher or cheesy 80’s college comedy and want to split the difference, this just might be the flick for you.
52) Don’t Answer the Phone (1980) **: Another REALLY ugly misogynist slasher filled with rape and women in peril. This one has a pretty intriguing killer, just a really physically imposing figure with some sort of religious issues, I forget what exactly. Sort of a Don’t Go In The Door vibe, and no I’m not just saying that because of the similar titles, but in the way both films profile a killer, but make his killings so grotesque that even though you kind of understand he’s a damaged person, you still can’t identify, romanticize or excuse his actions. Really effective stuff.
53) Schock (1977) **: One of, if not the last Bava flicks, I forget. This is a fucking SCORCHER of a haunted house flick, and you know I don’t usually go for that sort of thing, so hats off to Bava for making a bunch of objects moving by themselves for 90 minutes actually interesting. I’m not one to get legitimately spooked, but one of these scenes, you can probably guess which one it is, had me legitimately scared to walk around the house by myself in the dark. Plenty of slow parts, which kind of goes with this type of flick, but when it hits, it hits hard. Bava goin’ out with a bang.
54) The Stuff (1985) *: Cohen and Moriarty, you know what you’re in for. Lots of corporate America satire, but this guy’s flicks are usually meant to be “fun,” not blood feasts anyways. Not the kind of flick that gets me off, really, but I’ll admit it’s pretty entertaining.
55) Motel Hell (1980) *: This is a pretty decent entry into the rural creep genre. You got this farmer guy whose meats are known county wide as being the best. Y’know, just once I’d like to see one of these movies where the meat’s really good because of the quality of cattle and craft of the butcher, but no, we all know there’s gotta be some sort of scoundlery involved here, and sure enough, Farmer Vincent is snatchin’ unsuspecting motorists and buryin’ ‘em neck deep in some sort of soil while hypnotizing them (for some reason) and eventually using them for his special meats. The real story kicks in when Farmer Vincent gets the hots for some young gal, who oddly enough, reciprocates, and his big girl sister starts getting all protective. There are a few scenes with the buried heads to remind you that that’s what the movie’s about, but basically you’re trying to figure out what’s going on between the brother and sister, the young girl, and the sheriff. It’s a love story, really. Overall, not a bad flick, they stay on the right side of campy and all the head scratching moments that come up when you’re wondering exactly where they were going with this flick are balanced out with pretty straight horror scenes (I mean, dude in pig mask going after a guy with a chainsaw, that’s a pretty strong “center”), so yeah, definitely worth a watch.
56) Dominique (1978) zilch: Here’s a paced, gothic horror number from across the pond. A dude with money is getting haunted by his wife. Some cool effects, and a nice twist, but this ain’t exactly flipping the script on British horror. In fact, this is pretty fucking boring. I don’t know, I might rate it higher if I was in a different mood, but I could live without seeing this one again.
57) The Man With Two Heads (1972) zilch: Seriously painful and boring Andy Milligan Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde retelling. This one sticks to the 30’s Paramount version, which just makes this that much more painful as you’re recalling what a great movie that other one is in comparison. And to make matters worse, there’s not even any sleaze to compensate for the lack of polish. Yeah, Hammer style period pieces are a rough genre to fail at. Big pass on this one.
58) Kolobos (1999) zilch: Those who know me know I have no problem wading in the late 90’s direct market trash heap, but man, this is just retarded. Okay, there’s a group of people who think they’re being randomly selected to participate in some sort of Real World type TV show where everything in this posh apartment is under camera surveillance. You got all these obnoxious archetypes, like the outgoing actress, the aspiring standup comic, and this “damaged” chick who’s always drawing these not-really-fucked-up drawings in her sketchbook that everyone exaggerates as being super gory and fucked up. That chick has some sort of connection to the killer who’s behind the cameras and starts picking everyone off. God, just explaining that plot was tedious, imagine sitting through this thing? Big shock, no one involved in the making of this flick went on to do much of anything else…and they all have really weird names. David Todd Ocvirk? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
59) Vampyre Femmes (1999) **: Now THIS is kind of direct market delirium I live for! Total non-actors caught impromptu on digital handheld camera interplayed with lengthy sub-sub-Cinemax softcore sex scenes that will put you to sleep long before they turn you on. Man, some of these lines are just ABSURD. The fat guy gets the award for best delivery, like, ever. Forget Troma, forget Full Moon, this is my kind of schlock right here.
60) Devil’s Rain (1973) **: Really cool Satanic cult shit here. The DVD says “the most shocking ending of any movie ever” or something like that, and I gotta say, it is indeed pretty freaking great. Ernest Borgnine classes up the joint and skin melting-a-plenty keeps things on the exploitation tip. Maybe a little too paced to be a party flick, but entertaining stuff for sure.
61) Creepy Crawlers (2000) zilch: Bad TV movie. Plays like a “monster of the week” X Files episode but without any characters. Really tedious to sit through. Oh yeah, and it’s about cockroaches doing cockroach things.
62) The Mafu Cage (1978) ***: Killer character study of these two sisters, one of whom has this Jungle obsession courtesy of her anthropologist old man. Her problem comes when she locks up and eventually kills the monkeys she keeps in her cage. Her sister, who’s repulsed by the behavior, obviously, is sick of providing her with the monkey supply, even though it’s about the only thing that pacifies her. While the sane sister’s out on vacation, crazy sister decides to step her game up and move on to humans. I’ve been trying to think of the “message” of this flick for awhile now, something about the thin line between man and animal, but I don’t quite have it yet. It’s a beautiful film to look at, though, and Carol Kane absolutely knocks it out of the park, and it’s basically her engaging character that makes this movie work, not that it’s particularly flawed otherwise, but it’s like Anthony Perkins in Psycho, just the perfect actor for the part who makes the movie “sizzle” as they say. Great, great, great flick.
63) The Mad Butcher (1971) *: Here’s one about a crazy butcher (yeah, who’da guessed?) who got released from an insane asylum just a little too early. His first matter of business was to reopen his butcher shop, but this time the meats would be the cheapest in town. Oh, but I wonder, how DOES he keep the prices so low? Yeah, you can kinda guess where this one goes. Not the best flick, but not the worst. There’s the inevitable parallels to The Corpse Grinders, both in theme and in general Mikels/Lewis American drive in movie feel…Except this one’s directed by GUIDO ZURLI and stars VICTOR BUONO, which makes it roughly the most Italian film ever made.
64) Legend of the Wolf woman (1976) **: Y’know, I’ve seen this flick twice now, a cut version and an uncut version, and I still can’t figure out whether I even like it or not. I mean, it’s a deranged film about a sexually obsessed woman who thinks she’s a werewolf since she’s the descendent of one, and the flick’s just filled to the brim with nudity, so they make it pretty easy to watch, no doubt, but it almost feels TOO easy. Like there’s not much substance beyond the sheer entertainment factor of sleazy exploitation. They even cram in a little rape/revenge bit towards the end just to cover their bases, which as I’ve said, definitely makes for a watchable film, and I wouldn’t call it bad by any means, but am I really that easy to please? Like you just throw in gratuitous bush shots and a stream of consciousness plotline and I’ll roll over for you? Well, maybe I am….Maybe I am…
65) The Attic (1980) **: Here’s a bizarre flick about an uptight, nutty librarian lady who’s under the thumb of her authoritative father and gets progressively crazier as the film goes on, but you’ll be worried more about the mental stability of the film makers than our librarian loonie. You get all these day dream sequences involving the librarian killing her elderly dad, and what can I say, at one point a monkey’s eating a hundred dollar bill for no reason. Totally backwards storyline, too, so by the time you actually get to THE CHILLING CLIMAX in THE ATTIC you’re just like “wait, didn’t the big part already happen?” It’s a great trip, and has that brilliant delirium that only the best bad movies can bring.
66) Return of the Aliens: Deadly Spawn (1983) **: Ooooh, this is a real good one! I think what really took me back was that I didn’t really expect much. I dunno, home strewn alien yarns usually don’t do it for me, especially when you get into the 80’s, but this is just a perfect horror/sci-fi hybrid, one of the rare instances when the two genres work together in interesting ways instead of detracting from each other. More or less you got this giant alien in a basement of a regular American family who tries to bum out everyone’s Sunday afternoon. There are some genuinely chilling scenes (the kid standing silently in the basement with the alien), good characterization (a kid in a horror movie that doesn’t make you want to kick in your TV set? Pinch me!), and a great independent vibe with surprisingly sophisticated special effects. Yep, this one has everything working against it, as I usually hate these claustrophobic settings and it’s rare I enjoy an alien picture, but it works I tell ya, it works! Highly recommended.
67) Murder By Phone (1982) *: Kind of mainstream number that does its fair share of dragging. Here you got a guy with a device that can murder people…through the telephone. Nothing too gory, usually it just amounts to picking up the phone, some head spasms, some smoke coming off the caller and an explosion. Pretty tame, and they put the best death up front, so you can stop watching after the first few minutes, which is courteous, I guess. I like how the crux of this movie is the greedy and corrupt PHONE COMPANY. Not the first people who come to mind when I think “archetypal sinister movie corporation,” but hey, why not.
68) The Mangler (1995) zilch
69) The Mangler 2 (2001) **: Okay, save yourself some time and skip The Mangler. It’s just one of those glossy, non-descript flicks that relies heavily on the “HORROR LEGEND” status of Tobe Hooper and Robert Englund, based on a Stephen King story. Of course any horror fan knows those are some pretty sure fire names to avoid, especially if the film’s smack dab in the middle of the 90’s. It has something to do with an old timey factory machine that’s possessed by the devil and kills people, blah, blah, blah (can we take a moment to appreciate what a by the numbers Stephen King plot that is? Like I said, normal thing gone evil, that’s every other story the guy’s ever wrote. Anyways…), and so logically Mangler 2 continues the story of this evil piece of factory equipment right? WRONG! It’s 2001 baby, you’re in HACKER country now! Seriously, if you’re like me and love watching mid-90’s flicks that are filled with outdated computer jargon and buzzwords like “hacking,” “VR” and “cyberspace,” then my friend, Mangler 2 is the movie for you! Like, I guess these kids get stuck in a high school overnight and try to infect the computer run security system with “The Mangler Virus,” but the virus ends up turning EVERY appliance evil, even washing machines and shit that has nothing to do with computers, and the whole school’s out to kill the kids. There are SOOOOO many retarded moments in this, even in 2001 it must have come off as painfully out of date with all the “hacker” business and bad goth girl caricatures. Seriously, there’s one point where the kids are trying to figure out what to do and this guy just goes “THE MAINFRAME,” for basically no reason at all. Fucking gold! I’m tellin’ ya, you gotta watch these modern direct market disasters, they’re a great source for brain dead cinema.
70) Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985) **: C’mon, who can’t get down with a movie like this? A ship crashes and the passengers get shipwrecked on a remote island…An island of BEAST CREATURES! What are beast creatures, you ask? Basically 12” dolls with long, moppy hair, and minimal articulation that the castaways lift to their necks and shake around to simulate the bloodthirsty brutality of these island natives. Yes, these are really REALLY low budget special effects, and you never quite get over it, but the best creatures are SO minimal that it’s hard to fault the film makers. You basically just accept that the beast creatures are just abstracts, blank pages for you to fill in the terror of your choice. The non-existent budget and community theater acting makes for an irresistible and charming slice of exploitation. I don’t think she’s on DVD, but if you can secure yourself a copy, do it, ’cause it’s worth seeing at least once in your life.
71) The Child (1977) n/a: Saw this, but I don’t think I was paying attention. Not enough to say anything worthwhile anyways.
72) Tomie (1999) zilch: Generic “J-horror.” Seriously nothing worthwhile here. It’s not even obtrusively stylistic, just boring.
73) Futurekill (1985) **: Another one that’s pretty much impossible to not enjoy. You got frat boys that stumble onto “mutant” territory (they’re just nuclear war protestors of some sort…Except for one guy who really is a mutant) and spend the night in what basically translates into a Warriors ripoff as the frat boys try to get back home. You kind of get the sense that there’s about 3 movies crashed into one, but it all contributes to some good mindless entertainment. Oh, and the PAINFULLY obvious theme of “we’re not so different after all” gets officially ridiculous during the dialogue between a “mutant” girl and a “zod” (the mutants call the frat boys “zods” for some reason), when the frat boy goes “all you mutants are the same,” and the mutant responds with “all you zods are the same!” Total brain dead writing.
74) Deadtime Stories (1986) *: Pretty much worthless horror anthology based around “twisted‘ versions of old fairytales (ugh), but it’s not without its highlights. The Three Bears story has some pretty palatable moments of horror/comedy, and overall the film isn’t nearly as droning as you’d think it might be. Oh, except for the title sequence, that shit goes on for days. It doesn’t hurt that the accompany thing song is WRETCHED.
75) House of the Dead (2003) *: Well, it’s a videogame movie (one I‘ve never played, I should probably mention), so there’s kind of a glass ceiling on how good it can get. Still, you want corny rave scenes (in 2003? WTF?), some lite nudity and lots of zombies getting shot, along with scenes from the videogame itself spliced in for flavor? Well, here it is. I kind of have a hard time taking the time to even comment on watching this movie, but, y’know, it’s better than most mainstream modern horror, be they based on videogames or not.
76) Ghost Ship (2002) zilch: What the fuck am I doing with my life? Oh wait, I gotta give respect for the opening death scene in which everyone on the deck of the ship gets cut in half with a wire. Pretty brutal. You can stop watching after that.
77) To Die For 2 (1991) n/a: I think I was arguing while this movie was going on, so I didn’t catch what was going on. I doubt I missed much, though.
78) Nightwish (1989) *: College professor gets some students to go along with him to a supposedly haunted house and run some psychological experiment, but the doc flips the script with the help of his goon henchman and the college kids now gotta fight for their lives. There’s an attempt at the surreal where the viewer isn’t supposed to know what’s real and what’s fantasy, but you pretty much know how its gonna end well in advance. Not much to say with this one, it’s okay, but didn’t really leave an impression.
79) Watchers II (1990) zilch: Let it never be said I’m not willing to dig to the depths of the worst shit on the planet to find a fucked up/shitty movie. This was a failure, of course, but hey, they can’t all be Attack of the Beast Creatures or Mangler 2. There is an utterly hilarious scene where this monster (seriously, don’t ask me where that fits in, I might watch these movies but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna retain any information) trashes a convenience store and some Lassie as fuck moments with a super intelligent dog (yes, dog genius content).
80) Venus in Furs (1969) ****: Absolutely perfect haunting supernatural number. I’m of course heavily partial towards Franco’s film style, and like most people, I have to agree that it’s pretty impressive what the man can do when he takes his time. Not that I have problems with his rush jobs (I’m an unabashed Lust for Frankenstein fan), but a flick like this, which falls way closer to art house than erotic horror, has such a lasting effect. I had to watch this one a few times the same week just to get it out of my head, and it still hasn’t worked. I initially thought the film was way more surreal and impressionistic, but on repeat viewings it has a pretty basic plot: guy witnesses a girl get murdered in a fit of hedonistic passion, and the girl comes back to kill everyone involved, but just plagues the mind of the guy who witnesses. Pretty basic stuff, but Franco just uses it as a jumping off point. Lots of swank settings and a smokin’ jazz/psychedelic flavored soundtrack make for a perfectly decadent atmosphere. Did this one have a soundtrack? I’d buy it for the title theme alone. I really can’t recommend this enough, one of the best movies, horror or otherwise, I’ve seen all year.
81) Perversion (1979) **: Hmmm, I’m not quite sure how to take this one. I usually go ape for anything with Xe’s name attached to it, but this one left me kind of limp. On the surface you have a fairly standard revenge piece about a rich sadist who bites off a girl’s nipple, beats the rap in court, but still shows off the nipple around town. The girl’s reputation is shot, while the sadist lives it up. As with most of Marins films, the pleasure comes from the characterization of the villain and exactly how far Marins lets him(self) get away with. This time around instead of the cruel and philosophical Coffin Joe we get a brutish, upper class neuvo-rich type, who the viewer despises for his garishness as much as one fears Coffin Joe’s maliciousness. Marin’s antagonist sneers at the women who are still attracted to him because of his wealth, despite his bloated stomach, which he runs his hands over to accentuate. The result is an effective and biting portrait of class, sexism and injustice in Brazilian society, but I think Perversion’s melodramatic, flat characterization approach is best suited for the “good vs. evil” theme of Marin’s Coffin Joe films, while the bargain basement psychedelic and avant garde techniques of his 60’s films are sorely missed here. Not a bad film by any means, but it definitely drags at times and is nowhere near the demented genius of Marins’ more celebrated works.
82) Yeti (1977) **: Here’s a real shoestring budget abominable snowman flick about a prehistoric giant thawed out and brought to the bourgeoning metropolis that is…TORONTO! Those adverse to b-movie cheese had better stay away, but if a rampaging frost giant (with a soft spot for children) and blue screen-a-plenty sounds like time well spent to you, then you could do worse than this disaster.
83) The Hand (1981) **: Not a bad thriller here, kind of “adult,” but there’s a cool, claustrophobic, Jack Nicholson in The Shinning feel, and it’s a very engaging film. As for the plot, a cartoonist loses his drawing hand in a driving accident around the same time his wife leaves him, and it’s a fairly standard “downward spiral of dementia” from there as he blacks out, drinks more, and becomes more isolated from the world. There’re some interesting enough auxiliary characters, and like I said, this is an overall very watchable movie for all its lack of raw, exploitative elements, so if you need a break from slashers and schlock, this might serve as a nice palate cleanser.
84) The Demons (1972) **: Can’t say this one left much of an impression on me. I mean, it’s Franco, it’s “nunsploitation,” but really, that IS all that need be said, because it’s exactly what you’d expect his take on the micro-sub-genre to be. I don’t know, I think I need to watch this one again, because this just felt pretty rote to me.
85) The Being () *: Tame, but watchable low budget sci-fi deal with enough blood to appeal to horror sensibilities. A few jaw dropingly shitty moments, such as the alien ripping a guy’s head off while driving in an abysmally dark car (don’t worry, you see the head back on a few frames before the car crashes), and a few great yokels here and there, but an alien who never shows more than hands and a closeup of his face ever now and then isn’t an alien you really need to devote too much time to. Lite American exploitation, worth a watch, but nothing you should go out of your way to see.
86) School’s Out () zilch:
87) Drive In (2000) zilch: Fucking TEDIOUS modern direct market garbage about a “mentally handicapped” deformed (I think) kid who grows up next to a drive in, thus being exposed to reel after reel of violent horror films whenever he goes in his backyard. All the drive in footage is violent scenes from various Troma movies, so that should tell you how deep the film makers’ knowledge of cult horror goes, which is also reflected in how tepid the movie plays as a whole. There’s some really pointless back story on some of the drive in attendees, but you still don’t care as the film fuelled ogre crashes the party and starts offing the movie goers car by car. Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is that it can’t tell if it wants to be straight slasher or pure schlock, so it settles for this really taxing middle ground that’s sure to disappoint fans of either extreme. Big snoozing pass on this one.
88) Freak (1999) zilch: I’m tempted to give this a one star, because it’s actually a fairly competent flick for being straight to video and housed in a CGI blood-soaked cover, and I kind of admire the attempt at making a paced horror/drama with an actual plot as opposed to the mindless exploitation you expect from low budget trash. But still, a boring flick is a boring flick, and despite the scant moments of genuine suspense, the attempt to develop a relationship between the kid and her sister (or whoever) as they go on a road trip, and way more back story on the mentally deranged “freak” than the freak itself, this one still fails to leave a lasting impression, or even keep the viewer in their seat. So congrats to the film makers for taking the high road…You still failed.
89) She Freak (1967) *: Basically a note-for-note Freaks ripoff, but without, y’know, THE FREAKS. Oh sure, you have a dwarf, and a few glimpses of a bearded lady or whatever, but the most of the action takes place behind the scenes as a conniving small town waitress gets in with the head carnie (she’s got big aspirations, folks), then two times him with some tough. They scheme together and off the head carnie, then the chick takes over, but doesn’t quite treat the freaks with the respect they deserve, and so they do what they gotta do and mutilate our small town waitress friend for the grand finale…Which is actually pretty awesome. Yep, dopey stuff all the way, but entertaining nonetheless.
90) Dead and Rotting (2002) zilch: Utterly braindead direct market schlock. Are you ready for this turd of a plot to enter your reality? Okay, so these guys fuck with this retarded kid, which is normally a GREAT idea, except the retarded guy is the son of a witch. The witch exacts her revenge by sprinkling some dust on the guys, which makes ‘em sick or something. So leave well enough alone, right? Nope. The guys hire some thugs to throw a brick through the witch’s window or similarly fuck with her house. But they get there and are like, fuck it, let’s just boil her cat (?!?), which, oops, was her retarded son in cat form. Okay, NOW the witch is pissed, so she starts plucking off the original three guys and the two thugs. Following this perfectly logical story progression? Good, ‘cause the only important or somewhat redeemable aspect of the film comes when the last two survivors of the witch are on the road trying to figure out what to do. One of the guys suggests going to the police, but the other shoots that fucking moronic idea right down, reminding him “WITCHES ARE LIKE GANG BANGERS” (and yes that is a direct quote), and that when you get in to trouble with one you have to take matters into your own hand. So though I can’t recommend anyone see this film, it does have one important lesson to teach which no other film has the balls to bring to you, and that lesson is yes, witches ARE like fucking gang bangers. Take it to heart people.
91) Nightmares Come At Night (1970) *: Not a bad flick by any means, but very barebones Franco. Not much beyond the skin and perpetually bummed looking Euro babes. I think I’m kinda jaded at this point, and if I hadn’t seen as many Franco flicks as I’ve seen I might be more impressed by this “sexual thriller” revolving around a lesbian stripper couple. As it stands it’s just kind of a background flick.
92) Night of the Demon (1980) **: Holy shit, this one’s a face melter. Everything’s going normal, just your standard Bigfoot number, complete with college kids going into the woods and interviewing some rural creeps about their encounters with the Bigfoot. Seen Return to Boggy Creek? Then you know the score. BUT, things take a sharp turn to crazyville every time a death scene comes up and it’s like, 10x more brutal and over the top than more slashers at the time. For instance, you get a dude getting wielded around in a sleeping bag and impaled on a branch, freaking girl scouts having their hands forced into stabbing each other over and over again, and, yes, a dude whipping out his dong to take a waz, dong fully exposed, getting it ripped off and bleeding profusely from his crotch. These death scenes are total mind blowers, not only for their extremity, but because, like I said, they’re totally out of step with the tone of the movie. This is the stuff that keeps me digging through hundreds upon hundreds of hours of VHS slime, these disorienting moments of sheer exploitation delirium that lie beneath the unassuming veneer of an average low budget Bigfoot flick.
93) Incubus (1981) *: Pretty tame stuff revolving around a cop investigating a string of mysterious murder/rapes. The only real kick comes from the cop describing the victims every time. I swear, it’s like they thought they could get away with mentioning “sperm” and “semen” about a hundred times with nobody noticing. Not a bad flick, really, I got through it fine, but nothing too memorable either. I mean, really, it’s a movie about a fucking demon who rapes and kills girls, it should be way more explicit than it is.
94) Horror of Dracula (1958) **
95) Dracula Has Risen From The Grave (1968) **
96) Taste The Blood of Dracula (1970) **
97) Dracula 1971 AD (1971) **: Got all these as part of some bargain basement repackaging and watched ‘em all in a row, so a lot of these blur together, but they’re all great and classy Hammer productions, all quite entertaining. I gotta give it to Taste The Blood… and Dracula 1971, though, for the Dracula resurrection rituals in those two. In my mind all Satanic rituals are EXACTLY that cool.
98) Innocents from Hell AKA Alucarda (1978) **: I seriously started freaking out when my man Jeff gave me this vid, ‘cause the cover/title, but then I realized it was just Alucarda under a different name, which is still cool, but I thought I was in for some next level Euro cult obscurity. And I like Alucarda and all, but I’ll admit I’m a bit immune to S&M sleazefests like this at this point. It’s definitely a good exploitation flick by all means, but, as with Legend of the Wolfwoman, I couldn’t help but feel like the film was just making it too easy for me to like.
99) Holocaust 2000 (1977) *: Not too bad Omen ripoff with an evil, scary nuclear power theme. They kind of run the point into the ground, and it does get a bit ridiculous (yes, okay, his son is the devil, yes, the power plant is the beast of Armageddon, we got it, you don’t need to do these lengthy voiceovers relaying all the facts, have some faith in your audience for chrissakes), but overall this is a pretty enjoyable flick, though a wee bit on the adult side for your average gore fiend.
100) Mutant (1984) *: Not quite boring but definitely mindless yarn about some city slickers who wind up in a hick town and find themselves smack dab in the middle of a toxic waste spawned corporate zombie conspiracy. Pretty heavy handed stuff on the EEEEVIL nuclear waste front, which is always a wee tacky, but whatever, it’s a watchable flick.
101) Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998) zilch: Rob Zombie as fuck nil budget horror comedy about…Who fuckin’ knows. I guess there’s a lot of skin in this, but not nearly enough to make up for the lengthy incoherent spells. Even the charm of digital video couldn’t save this mess.
102) Finis Hominis (1971) ***: This flick finds Marins starring as Finis Hominis, a mysterious man who many see as a prophet come to show man the correct way to live. My favorite scene involves “Finis” wandering into a hedonistic den of hippies, who go out of their way to show Finis what free spirits they all are, in hopes that he might grant them some of his insight. The hippies speak of peace and love, but as Finis throws out a big bag of money, the radicals reveal their true nature. Like Hellish Flesh, this one keeps you strung along ‘til the very end when Marins hits you with the big punch line. In fact, Marins finds a unique rhythm throughout the film, focusing on a subject or action to the point of confusion, and yes, I’ll admit it, at times even boredom, but then revealing his purpose, giving the viewer a sense of satisfaction they wouldn’t find without that extended dwelling on a sequence. The man is a master, and as evidenced by Finis Hominis, can make a powerful film even without the stylistic, surreal techniques of his Coffin Joe films.
103) Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) **: Classy Brit horror about a phantom of the opera type, presumed dead, who exacts his vengeance on the nine doctors he holds responsible for his wife’s death. The death scenes follow biblical plagues, and are pretty inventive, but far from exploitative or explicit. Yep, a competent grown folks thriller with all that stuff like plot, character development, acting, etc. It’s good to take these in every once and awhile.
104) Vampires (1998) zilch: John Crapenter’s Vampiles (of shit). But, y’know, “duh.” From Dusk Til Dawn definitely did more harm than good.
105) Death Mask (1998) **: Ah, now this is that “one in ten” slice of schlock that makes watching all those direct market 90’s flicks worthwhile. It’s totally implausible, absurd and ridiculous, but has the feel of a train right before it goes off the tracks. This deformed carnie who sculpts masks and displays them as a circus attraction (???) gets really miffed one day after getting mocked by some art critics (y’know, the kind who take the time to pick on carnie art), so he takes the advice of a sympathetic female coworker (cocarnie?) and heads down to the old witch at the swamp’s place to strike a deal. She pricks his finger and makes him make a blood pact that he’ll give her her great ancestor’s skull (or something) which he has for some reason in exchange for the ability to make the most beautiful mask ever. AND I’D LIKE TO SEE WHAT THOSE ART CRITICS HAVE TO SAY WHEN THEY SEE THAT! The important part is after leaving the witch’s place the girl is giving the guy shit for whining after getting his finger pricked by the bone, and the guy tells the girl not to make fun, and that “pain hurts me.” Yes, that is a direct quote. “Pain hurts me.” Thank you direct market gods! Don’t worry, the girl reassures him that “you can’t catch AIDS from no chicken bone,” and a bunch of other stuff happens, like the mask the guy makes kills whoever looks at it, but who cares, ‘cause your mind will still be working on “PAIN HURTS ME,” and how one managed to a) commit that line to paper, b) convince an actor to deliver it with a straight face, and c) let the film go through the entire editing process and keep that gem intact. So yeah, great stuff, must see all the way.
106) The Oracle (1985) *: Girl gets fucked with by supernatural forces and some hired killers.
It’s all part of an elaborate plot, but after 15 minutes I knew this wouldn’t live up to the awesome cover art, so I just kinda spaced out.
107) Vamp (1986) *: Very, very teeny horror/comedy about some horny college kids (and token nerdy Asian) who find themselves in a strip club in the sleazy side of town which happens to double as a vampire haven. How to survive the night…Luckily Grace Jones is like, the coolest person alive, otherwise this would be a total loss. Not the worst, you’ll be able to get through this no problem, but you won’t necessarily feel good about it.
108) Night Ripper (1986) *: Hopelessly obscure 80’s SOV about a killer on the loose. But who’s the killer? Well, you’ll be too blown away by the wretched acting and botched lines to really care. Unfortunately, that’s kind of all this one has going for it. Not really enough of those ugly, unflinching death scenes that make the best SOVs work, but there is one really interesting stabbing that just cuts to the knife after it’s been inserted in the victim, but doesn’t show the knife actually penetrating. Kind of a reverse Psycho shower scene, a sign of the times I guess.
109) It’s Alive 2 (1978) *: I think I was looking at stuff on the internet with my girlfriend while this was going on, but I realized Michael Moriarty wasn’t involved, and since he kinda made the 3rd one for me, I’m not convinced I missed much.
110) A Darkly Noon (1995) **: Freaking Vigo, how could I diss this? Well, it is a pretty forced, stylized Twin Peaks ripoff, but, y’know, VIGO. So watch it.
111) Death Bed (1977) **: Well, this flick’s reputation precedes itself…Unfortunately? I dunno, this is a great demented, surreal genre bender, but I knew that before I put the DVD in, so all the movie’s warped qualities were all anticipated. You couldn’t call this film “hyped” by any means, or say its reputation is in any way undeserved, but I only wish I could have gone into the film fresh, expecting inept schlock and having all the film’s idiosyncrasies take me by surprise.
112) 976 Evil 2 (1992) *: A sequel mindless enough to live up to the tantalizing title of the original. The plot revolves around a pervy principle who has the hots for some student chick and uses some sort of cosmic evil that’s bestowed upon him whenever he needs it to kill some people in order to get closer to the girl. There are some concessions to the movie’s own b movie status, such as a Roger Corman/Joe Bob Briggs poster, but the movie doesn’t really slip into self conscious camp, thankfully. Like I said, pure mindlessness, take it or leave it.
113) Slumber Party Massacre (1982) *: For whatever reason I was under the impression that this was some sort of feminist think piece, as the only thing you ever hear about this flick is that it’s a slasher directed by *gasp* a WOMAN, and thus all the voyeuristic shower scenes are supposed to be ironic or satirical or something. Like I said, that’s just the stuff I heard, but it did cause me to watch the film with a more critical eye, for better or worse, and I gotta say, that outside of the power drill chopping at the end as a symbol for castration, and maybe some rape themes, this played like a straight mindless slasher to me…Which I obviously have no problem with. Like, was there ANY background information given on the killer, any story whatsoever? Worth watching if you’re a “genre enthusiast,” but again, I’m not really seeing the supposed feminist or satirical nature of this flick.
114) Critters 2 (1988) *: THE MINDLESSNESS CONTINUES! Pure schlock entertainment here. Space bounty hunters and the god Eddie Deezen alone would have made this film time well wasted, so the dopey, carnivorous fur puppets are just an added bonus for me. Also worth noting: “CHEEEEEEESEBURGERS! NO BONES!” Yeah this has kid appeal, and is about as much a horror flick as Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, so fans of brutality can sit the one out, but if you’re entertaining a mixed crowd this is a good braindead background flick.
115) Season of the Witch (1972) ***: Not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting much from this, as I’m not a big fan of Crazies, so I assumed the antebellum period between NOTLD and Martin was a wasteland, but fuck, this is a gem right here. This is sort of an examination of witchcraft in suburbia. Not so much a horror film…It’s hard to describe. Of course there’s the cultural shift theme you see in all Romero’s work from this decade with the “swing” factor and all, but there’s something much greater than the sum of its parts going on with this film. I think it has to do with the really likeable and convincing characters. This is one of those idiosyncratic low key 70’s American exploitation numbers a’la The Mafu Cage, Poor Albert and Little Annie, Poor Pretty Eddie, etc., but of course the Romero factor makes this a bit more noteworthy to horror fans. Great stuff either way, though.
31) Sleepaway Camp (1983) ***: Here’s a cult classic that really lives up to its status, and if the last scene is all you can remember about his one, you’re definitely due for a refreshment viewing. I never really noticed the weirdo sexual overtones and puberty theme at play, probably because the last time I saw this I was in the throes of puberty myself, but that stuff adds a great element to an already competent slasher. Pure entertainment.
32) Crazy Fat Ethyl: Criminally Insane 2 (1987) zilch: I’ll admit that I’m at times a little too lenient with these shot on video efforts, but man, even I can’t hang with this number. Granted, there are plenty of cringe worthy bursts of ineptitude, but the problem here lies in the splicing of the SOV footage from ’87 with hefty doses (like, probably 1/3 of the film’s running time) of the ‘75 original. I guess it does sort of have a punishingly incoherent, borderline surreal quality to it, but the film’s still probably closer to tedious than anything you’d want to watch.
33) Tales from the Crypt (1972) *: British anthology number revolving around a group of people in a weird purgatory type situation sitting around hearing the story of how they got theirs. That may or may not have been a “spoiler,” but whatever, as usual the pleasures from these movies come more from the twists of the individual chapters than the main plot. I’ll admit I kinda spaced out during large chunks of this flick, as I’m wont to do during these straight Brit horror numbers, but the razorblade lined tight hallway scene had me wincing for sure.
34) Skinned Alive (1989) *: Here’s a shot on video zilch budget slasher that relies heavily on a quasi-incestuous serial killing family who insist on delivering a barrage of FULL VOLUME DIALOGUE AT ALL TIMES that would make you think Rob Zombie was at the helm…You know, if the movie was like, way gayer. There’re some lines that are full blown SCORCHERS, though, just total jaw dropping what the fuck moments, and the death scenes are about what you’d expect from an SOV flick. Nothing worth hunting down, really, but I might watch this again at some point.
35) Frozen Scream (1975) *: I watched this a few weeks before getting Nightmare USA, a killer read that suggests, in part, you should treat this movie as a piece of psychedelic surrealism, as if the film portrays an alternate world where people REALLY ACT like this, and sort of look past all the “mad scientist freezing people and turning them into zombies” junk…Well, I guess I’ll accept your challenge somewhere down the line Stephen Thrower, because on first viewing this flick’s fairly typical drive-in fair with an ill shoestring ambient soundtrack that’s just a smidge too lite on the blood n’ tits to particularly move me. I’m willing to give it another shot though, but only because homeboy put the challenge out there.
36) Cemetary Man AKA Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) ***: Wow, here’s a thoroughly enjoyable stylistic horror flick with lots of intriguing characters and surreal passages to keep the viewer enthralled start to finish. I’m usually quick to dismiss the more stylistic flicks, as the bells and whistles tend to lose their charm over time when the style outweighs the substance, but I’m gonna jump the gun and give this one an enthusiastic three stars with hopes this film turns out to be more of an Evil Dead (a stylistic horror film that holds up to multiple viewings through the years) than a From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (which does not).
37) Love Butcher (1975) **: At this point I’m used to, and essentially anticipate inept acting, special effects, dialogue, but this is one of those rare films where the jaw dropping moments come more by way of basic story arch issues than any justifiable budget constraint. If you’re reading this write up, you already know I’m not a stickler for cinematic rules, but I just couldn’t believe the twist this flick’s story took. I mean, the premise is fairly standard, you have this killer with a split personality: by day he’s a mistreated physically and mentally crippled gardener, and by night he assumes the role of accent feigning playboy who seduces then kills the same housewives who browbeat his gardener persona with various implements. SPOILER ALERT (REALLY): They spend a considerable chunk of the film developing the relationship between the journalist who’s “hot on the case” of this sadistic killer and his under attended fiancée. It’s your basic “you stay out of the way, reporter, this is police business” stuff. But then with about 20 minutes left on the clock when the journalist guy realizes not only who the killer is, but that he’s in the house with his fiancé, as the journalist rushes over to save her, he’s intercepted by the killer, and boom, dead. So you’re like, okay, it’s up to the wife to off this guy now, a revenge sort of thing, right? Nope, killer just offs the fiancé just the same. The killer walks away, gets hassled by the cops on the way home, gets out of THAT even…I really can’t tell watching this if the script goes this route to paint this bleak world that doesn’t bend to convention where the good guys win, or if the writer really just doesn’t know how stories are “supposed” to work. Like I said, every other part in the movie is purely conventional borderline hokum, so I don’t know, I’m leaving this one to you, but overall this is really enjoyable drive-in faire with enough carnage and skin to keep it on the right side of camp, even though there is a fill of hamming it up via the killer’s yokel gardener character.
38) Duck! The Carbine High Massacre (2000) zilch: Okay, yes this is a digital handheld camera shot nightmare with the most inane, dragged out scenes, lots of downtime, painfully bad execution on just about every level, but…Well, but nothing, that about sums it up, I guess. But I will say once that direct market delirium kicks in and your mind wanders from the movie and you’re just asking the hows and whys about the motivation of making this movie, and the private lives of everyone involved, it’s a great disorienting effect. Essentially what you have here is a bunch of 20 something Jerseyites spending their weekend making a zilch budget tactless exploitation film based on the Columbine shootings. I would LOVE to read the script for this nightmare, but I kind of refuse to believe there was one. All the “bad movie” staples are present, so going into the details of the unbelievable high school faculty, the absurdly forced “message” moments, and all the ridiculous caricatures of high school archetypes would just be tedious, but I’d be doing a great disservice to my readership if I didn’t take some time for my newest cinematic hero, KENDALL WARD. He’s been in all of one movie, and this is it, but man is it a doosie. His delivery of “The internet is for white folks. I don’t own a personal computer, nor do I care to own one” in “internet class” (the only class the students of Carbine High attend) is one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Every moment this guy’s on screen is cinematic gold, and yes, actually makes watching this terrible, terrible movie worthwhile. To my surprise I actually saw a copy of this on DVD just sitting there in Fry’s. What the hell, there CAN’T be demand for this can there? The video I have doesn’t even have a fucking UPC code. But as easy as it is to dis it, I’m really glad movies like this exist. Talk as much about “underground” or “cult” cinema all you want, but without complete trash like this, without inept outsiders just fucking around with cameras, there is no underground or alternative to mainstream Hollywood worth talking about.
39) Brain Damage (1988) **: Cool late 80’s pscyhedelic horror flick which for all intents and purposes could be considered the true sequel to Basket Case. The seedy NY vibe of Basketcase is still in tact, as are the budget effects that stay just this side of camp. Plotwise you got this weird turdlike-brain-worm-thing, an “Aylmer,” that attaches to the protagonist’s neck and shoots him up with this fluid that puts the guy in an drugged state which effectively makes the dude a slave the the “Aylmer.” The Aylmer has the guy make him cakes and flip records for him all day…Oh no wait, that’s what I’d do with a slave, the Aylmer makes the guy do his dirty work and off various social miscreants. Really basic story, but the cheapo drug trip effects and grimy atmosphere make it work.
40) Halucinations of a Deranged Mind (1978) **: In this flick a man’s being driven mad by the images from various Coffin Joe films. Marins (who plays Coffin Joe) comes to console the man that Coffin Joe is just a myth, which seems to work…At first. Basically this is a re-editing of all the more over-the-top moments of Marins other movies put together as lengthy “delirium” montages. These are all great scenes, and a great concept, but it’s a bit tedious to sit through. It’s still a Coffin Joe flick though, which makes it worth seeing.
41) Women’s Club (1986) *: Some gals get fed up with all the rape going on in their town and decide to do something about it! So what do they do? Chop off some rapist dong, what else? Not as visceral as one of these flicks should be, this one’s probably more suited for the Lifetime channel than the grind house.
42) Creepshow 2 (1987) *: Pretty timid horror anthology, you all know the names of those involved, but I’ve had a soft spot for “The Raft” since I was a youngin.’ The other two stories are a bit tedious and corny, but I dunno, something about being stuck in the middle of the lake with a floating, gelatinous black mass, it works.
43) Castle Freak (1995) *: Don’t remember much of this one. A couple from The America travel to Euroland to check out a castle they inherited. This freaky mutant in the basement starts kills a prostitute the guy brought home, which leads to trouble with local law enforcement. This is a Full Moon jam, but it’s also done by the guy who did Reanimator, From Beyond and, uh, Robot Jox, so expect some decent gore scenes if nothing else…And no, there’s not much else.
44) Alien (1979) **: My girlfriend never saw this, which is more surprising to me than offensive, and I hadn’t seen the movie in years, so why not. This one’s a classic and all, but for whatever reason never really clicked with me in a major way. Not a bad movie by any means, just not one of those big time movies I can go as gah gah for as everyone says I should.
45) Slumber Party Massacre II (1987) *: I think I saw the 75 minute version of this, ‘cause this went by WAY quick. Not a bad thing either, especially for this sort of flick. And what type of flick would that be? Your standard Bangles-esque all girl rock group chased around by a drillguitar-wielding Andrew Dice Clay lookalike slasher. Yeah, as the title suggests, this is basically mindless fun. Not much that’ll stick with you (judging by the cut version, at least), but not a bad way to kill some time, either.
46) Kill, Baby, Kill (1966) **: Okay, I’ve watched this twice and CAN NOT make sense of the plot. Like, not even a skeletal outline. Great ambiance and visuals though, as one might expect from our man Bava.
47) I Dismember Mama (1974) ***: REALLY great flick about a kid on the run from the loony bin who has a real against ANY woman who’s had sex EVER and isn’t afraid to slash his problems away. He befriends a little girl along the way, and the movie sort of becomes the story of how this deranged killer can form a relationship with this innocent girl. If you’re into exploitation think pieces in disguise like The Mafu Cage or Poor Pretty Eddy, you’ll dig this one. I know I’ll definitely be watching a lot more of this this year.
48) Splatter University (1984) zilch: Pretty tedious Troma faire here. No skin and ho-hum slashings leave the viewer paying more attention to how cool these Jersey goombas dressed back in the day than anything else. The film does have a good look to it, to the point where I’d believe it was made 10 years earlier, but rest assured, this is basically a really boring movie.
49) Slugs (1988) *: Not bad stuff here. You got your standard “mutant
[fill in the blank] start killing people because of greedy corporate pollution.” This time around, as you might have guess, the [blank] are slugs, which leads to some pretty far fetched (but nonetheless competent and grizzly) death scenes, and a grand finale that’s logistically absurd. I mean, there’s kind of a glass ceiling for exactly how good these kind of movies can be, and I would even say Slugs reaches it, but I got through the flick without being too bored, which is no small feat when you’re talking a movie based around MUTANT SLUGS.
50) 555 (1988) **: Really grizzly, ugly no budget SOV slasher. This one kept my attention, probably due in part to EVERY woman who’s on screen for even a second getting nude, whether you want her to or not. This is the kind of movie that embraces the ugly, mean spirited nature of its genre and does nothing to make it easy for the viewer to digest. It’s completely mindless, of course, but since when do I have a problem with that?
51) Final Exam (1981) *: I forget the specifics with this one plot-wise, but basically there’s some dude picking off students on campus, for I’m pretty sure no reason whatsoever. Obviously there’s a general mindlessness that goes on with this sort of thing, but I seriously think there’s NO reason behind the killings in this. The characters are surprisingly convincing/entertaining for this type of flick, and there’s tons of straight up homoerotic stuff going on courtesy of “Wild Man,” the muscle headed frat boy. The slashin’ and stabbin’ doesn’t get too out of control, so gore hounds might wanna sit this one out, but if you’re not opposed to the more teen side of horror, or can’t decide between a slasher or cheesy 80’s college comedy and want to split the difference, this just might be the flick for you.
52) Don’t Answer the Phone (1980) **: Another REALLY ugly misogynist slasher filled with rape and women in peril. This one has a pretty intriguing killer, just a really physically imposing figure with some sort of religious issues, I forget what exactly. Sort of a Don’t Go In The Door vibe, and no I’m not just saying that because of the similar titles, but in the way both films profile a killer, but make his killings so grotesque that even though you kind of understand he’s a damaged person, you still can’t identify, romanticize or excuse his actions. Really effective stuff.
53) Schock (1977) **: One of, if not the last Bava flicks, I forget. This is a fucking SCORCHER of a haunted house flick, and you know I don’t usually go for that sort of thing, so hats off to Bava for making a bunch of objects moving by themselves for 90 minutes actually interesting. I’m not one to get legitimately spooked, but one of these scenes, you can probably guess which one it is, had me legitimately scared to walk around the house by myself in the dark. Plenty of slow parts, which kind of goes with this type of flick, but when it hits, it hits hard. Bava goin’ out with a bang.
54) The Stuff (1985) *: Cohen and Moriarty, you know what you’re in for. Lots of corporate America satire, but this guy’s flicks are usually meant to be “fun,” not blood feasts anyways. Not the kind of flick that gets me off, really, but I’ll admit it’s pretty entertaining.
55) Motel Hell (1980) *: This is a pretty decent entry into the rural creep genre. You got this farmer guy whose meats are known county wide as being the best. Y’know, just once I’d like to see one of these movies where the meat’s really good because of the quality of cattle and craft of the butcher, but no, we all know there’s gotta be some sort of scoundlery involved here, and sure enough, Farmer Vincent is snatchin’ unsuspecting motorists and buryin’ ‘em neck deep in some sort of soil while hypnotizing them (for some reason) and eventually using them for his special meats. The real story kicks in when Farmer Vincent gets the hots for some young gal, who oddly enough, reciprocates, and his big girl sister starts getting all protective. There are a few scenes with the buried heads to remind you that that’s what the movie’s about, but basically you’re trying to figure out what’s going on between the brother and sister, the young girl, and the sheriff. It’s a love story, really. Overall, not a bad flick, they stay on the right side of campy and all the head scratching moments that come up when you’re wondering exactly where they were going with this flick are balanced out with pretty straight horror scenes (I mean, dude in pig mask going after a guy with a chainsaw, that’s a pretty strong “center”), so yeah, definitely worth a watch.
56) Dominique (1978) zilch: Here’s a paced, gothic horror number from across the pond. A dude with money is getting haunted by his wife. Some cool effects, and a nice twist, but this ain’t exactly flipping the script on British horror. In fact, this is pretty fucking boring. I don’t know, I might rate it higher if I was in a different mood, but I could live without seeing this one again.
57) The Man With Two Heads (1972) zilch: Seriously painful and boring Andy Milligan Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde retelling. This one sticks to the 30’s Paramount version, which just makes this that much more painful as you’re recalling what a great movie that other one is in comparison. And to make matters worse, there’s not even any sleaze to compensate for the lack of polish. Yeah, Hammer style period pieces are a rough genre to fail at. Big pass on this one.
58) Kolobos (1999) zilch: Those who know me know I have no problem wading in the late 90’s direct market trash heap, but man, this is just retarded. Okay, there’s a group of people who think they’re being randomly selected to participate in some sort of Real World type TV show where everything in this posh apartment is under camera surveillance. You got all these obnoxious archetypes, like the outgoing actress, the aspiring standup comic, and this “damaged” chick who’s always drawing these not-really-fucked-up drawings in her sketchbook that everyone exaggerates as being super gory and fucked up. That chick has some sort of connection to the killer who’s behind the cameras and starts picking everyone off. God, just explaining that plot was tedious, imagine sitting through this thing? Big shock, no one involved in the making of this flick went on to do much of anything else…and they all have really weird names. David Todd Ocvirk? Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
59) Vampyre Femmes (1999) **: Now THIS is kind of direct market delirium I live for! Total non-actors caught impromptu on digital handheld camera interplayed with lengthy sub-sub-Cinemax softcore sex scenes that will put you to sleep long before they turn you on. Man, some of these lines are just ABSURD. The fat guy gets the award for best delivery, like, ever. Forget Troma, forget Full Moon, this is my kind of schlock right here.
60) Devil’s Rain (1973) **: Really cool Satanic cult shit here. The DVD says “the most shocking ending of any movie ever” or something like that, and I gotta say, it is indeed pretty freaking great. Ernest Borgnine classes up the joint and skin melting-a-plenty keeps things on the exploitation tip. Maybe a little too paced to be a party flick, but entertaining stuff for sure.
61) Creepy Crawlers (2000) zilch: Bad TV movie. Plays like a “monster of the week” X Files episode but without any characters. Really tedious to sit through. Oh yeah, and it’s about cockroaches doing cockroach things.
62) The Mafu Cage (1978) ***: Killer character study of these two sisters, one of whom has this Jungle obsession courtesy of her anthropologist old man. Her problem comes when she locks up and eventually kills the monkeys she keeps in her cage. Her sister, who’s repulsed by the behavior, obviously, is sick of providing her with the monkey supply, even though it’s about the only thing that pacifies her. While the sane sister’s out on vacation, crazy sister decides to step her game up and move on to humans. I’ve been trying to think of the “message” of this flick for awhile now, something about the thin line between man and animal, but I don’t quite have it yet. It’s a beautiful film to look at, though, and Carol Kane absolutely knocks it out of the park, and it’s basically her engaging character that makes this movie work, not that it’s particularly flawed otherwise, but it’s like Anthony Perkins in Psycho, just the perfect actor for the part who makes the movie “sizzle” as they say. Great, great, great flick.
63) The Mad Butcher (1971) *: Here’s one about a crazy butcher (yeah, who’da guessed?) who got released from an insane asylum just a little too early. His first matter of business was to reopen his butcher shop, but this time the meats would be the cheapest in town. Oh, but I wonder, how DOES he keep the prices so low? Yeah, you can kinda guess where this one goes. Not the best flick, but not the worst. There’s the inevitable parallels to The Corpse Grinders, both in theme and in general Mikels/Lewis American drive in movie feel…Except this one’s directed by GUIDO ZURLI and stars VICTOR BUONO, which makes it roughly the most Italian film ever made.
64) Legend of the Wolf woman (1976) **: Y’know, I’ve seen this flick twice now, a cut version and an uncut version, and I still can’t figure out whether I even like it or not. I mean, it’s a deranged film about a sexually obsessed woman who thinks she’s a werewolf since she’s the descendent of one, and the flick’s just filled to the brim with nudity, so they make it pretty easy to watch, no doubt, but it almost feels TOO easy. Like there’s not much substance beyond the sheer entertainment factor of sleazy exploitation. They even cram in a little rape/revenge bit towards the end just to cover their bases, which as I’ve said, definitely makes for a watchable film, and I wouldn’t call it bad by any means, but am I really that easy to please? Like you just throw in gratuitous bush shots and a stream of consciousness plotline and I’ll roll over for you? Well, maybe I am….Maybe I am…
65) The Attic (1980) **: Here’s a bizarre flick about an uptight, nutty librarian lady who’s under the thumb of her authoritative father and gets progressively crazier as the film goes on, but you’ll be worried more about the mental stability of the film makers than our librarian loonie. You get all these day dream sequences involving the librarian killing her elderly dad, and what can I say, at one point a monkey’s eating a hundred dollar bill for no reason. Totally backwards storyline, too, so by the time you actually get to THE CHILLING CLIMAX in THE ATTIC you’re just like “wait, didn’t the big part already happen?” It’s a great trip, and has that brilliant delirium that only the best bad movies can bring.
66) Return of the Aliens: Deadly Spawn (1983) **: Ooooh, this is a real good one! I think what really took me back was that I didn’t really expect much. I dunno, home strewn alien yarns usually don’t do it for me, especially when you get into the 80’s, but this is just a perfect horror/sci-fi hybrid, one of the rare instances when the two genres work together in interesting ways instead of detracting from each other. More or less you got this giant alien in a basement of a regular American family who tries to bum out everyone’s Sunday afternoon. There are some genuinely chilling scenes (the kid standing silently in the basement with the alien), good characterization (a kid in a horror movie that doesn’t make you want to kick in your TV set? Pinch me!), and a great independent vibe with surprisingly sophisticated special effects. Yep, this one has everything working against it, as I usually hate these claustrophobic settings and it’s rare I enjoy an alien picture, but it works I tell ya, it works! Highly recommended.
67) Murder By Phone (1982) *: Kind of mainstream number that does its fair share of dragging. Here you got a guy with a device that can murder people…through the telephone. Nothing too gory, usually it just amounts to picking up the phone, some head spasms, some smoke coming off the caller and an explosion. Pretty tame, and they put the best death up front, so you can stop watching after the first few minutes, which is courteous, I guess. I like how the crux of this movie is the greedy and corrupt PHONE COMPANY. Not the first people who come to mind when I think “archetypal sinister movie corporation,” but hey, why not.
68) The Mangler (1995) zilch
69) The Mangler 2 (2001) **: Okay, save yourself some time and skip The Mangler. It’s just one of those glossy, non-descript flicks that relies heavily on the “HORROR LEGEND” status of Tobe Hooper and Robert Englund, based on a Stephen King story. Of course any horror fan knows those are some pretty sure fire names to avoid, especially if the film’s smack dab in the middle of the 90’s. It has something to do with an old timey factory machine that’s possessed by the devil and kills people, blah, blah, blah (can we take a moment to appreciate what a by the numbers Stephen King plot that is? Like I said, normal thing gone evil, that’s every other story the guy’s ever wrote. Anyways…), and so logically Mangler 2 continues the story of this evil piece of factory equipment right? WRONG! It’s 2001 baby, you’re in HACKER country now! Seriously, if you’re like me and love watching mid-90’s flicks that are filled with outdated computer jargon and buzzwords like “hacking,” “VR” and “cyberspace,” then my friend, Mangler 2 is the movie for you! Like, I guess these kids get stuck in a high school overnight and try to infect the computer run security system with “The Mangler Virus,” but the virus ends up turning EVERY appliance evil, even washing machines and shit that has nothing to do with computers, and the whole school’s out to kill the kids. There are SOOOOO many retarded moments in this, even in 2001 it must have come off as painfully out of date with all the “hacker” business and bad goth girl caricatures. Seriously, there’s one point where the kids are trying to figure out what to do and this guy just goes “THE MAINFRAME,” for basically no reason at all. Fucking gold! I’m tellin’ ya, you gotta watch these modern direct market disasters, they’re a great source for brain dead cinema.
70) Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985) **: C’mon, who can’t get down with a movie like this? A ship crashes and the passengers get shipwrecked on a remote island…An island of BEAST CREATURES! What are beast creatures, you ask? Basically 12” dolls with long, moppy hair, and minimal articulation that the castaways lift to their necks and shake around to simulate the bloodthirsty brutality of these island natives. Yes, these are really REALLY low budget special effects, and you never quite get over it, but the best creatures are SO minimal that it’s hard to fault the film makers. You basically just accept that the beast creatures are just abstracts, blank pages for you to fill in the terror of your choice. The non-existent budget and community theater acting makes for an irresistible and charming slice of exploitation. I don’t think she’s on DVD, but if you can secure yourself a copy, do it, ’cause it’s worth seeing at least once in your life.
71) The Child (1977) n/a: Saw this, but I don’t think I was paying attention. Not enough to say anything worthwhile anyways.
72) Tomie (1999) zilch: Generic “J-horror.” Seriously nothing worthwhile here. It’s not even obtrusively stylistic, just boring.
73) Futurekill (1985) **: Another one that’s pretty much impossible to not enjoy. You got frat boys that stumble onto “mutant” territory (they’re just nuclear war protestors of some sort…Except for one guy who really is a mutant) and spend the night in what basically translates into a Warriors ripoff as the frat boys try to get back home. You kind of get the sense that there’s about 3 movies crashed into one, but it all contributes to some good mindless entertainment. Oh, and the PAINFULLY obvious theme of “we’re not so different after all” gets officially ridiculous during the dialogue between a “mutant” girl and a “zod” (the mutants call the frat boys “zods” for some reason), when the frat boy goes “all you mutants are the same,” and the mutant responds with “all you zods are the same!” Total brain dead writing.
74) Deadtime Stories (1986) *: Pretty much worthless horror anthology based around “twisted‘ versions of old fairytales (ugh), but it’s not without its highlights. The Three Bears story has some pretty palatable moments of horror/comedy, and overall the film isn’t nearly as droning as you’d think it might be. Oh, except for the title sequence, that shit goes on for days. It doesn’t hurt that the accompany thing song is WRETCHED.
75) House of the Dead (2003) *: Well, it’s a videogame movie (one I‘ve never played, I should probably mention), so there’s kind of a glass ceiling on how good it can get. Still, you want corny rave scenes (in 2003? WTF?), some lite nudity and lots of zombies getting shot, along with scenes from the videogame itself spliced in for flavor? Well, here it is. I kind of have a hard time taking the time to even comment on watching this movie, but, y’know, it’s better than most mainstream modern horror, be they based on videogames or not.
76) Ghost Ship (2002) zilch: What the fuck am I doing with my life? Oh wait, I gotta give respect for the opening death scene in which everyone on the deck of the ship gets cut in half with a wire. Pretty brutal. You can stop watching after that.
77) To Die For 2 (1991) n/a: I think I was arguing while this movie was going on, so I didn’t catch what was going on. I doubt I missed much, though.
78) Nightwish (1989) *: College professor gets some students to go along with him to a supposedly haunted house and run some psychological experiment, but the doc flips the script with the help of his goon henchman and the college kids now gotta fight for their lives. There’s an attempt at the surreal where the viewer isn’t supposed to know what’s real and what’s fantasy, but you pretty much know how its gonna end well in advance. Not much to say with this one, it’s okay, but didn’t really leave an impression.
79) Watchers II (1990) zilch: Let it never be said I’m not willing to dig to the depths of the worst shit on the planet to find a fucked up/shitty movie. This was a failure, of course, but hey, they can’t all be Attack of the Beast Creatures or Mangler 2. There is an utterly hilarious scene where this monster (seriously, don’t ask me where that fits in, I might watch these movies but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna retain any information) trashes a convenience store and some Lassie as fuck moments with a super intelligent dog (yes, dog genius content).
80) Venus in Furs (1969) ****: Absolutely perfect haunting supernatural number. I’m of course heavily partial towards Franco’s film style, and like most people, I have to agree that it’s pretty impressive what the man can do when he takes his time. Not that I have problems with his rush jobs (I’m an unabashed Lust for Frankenstein fan), but a flick like this, which falls way closer to art house than erotic horror, has such a lasting effect. I had to watch this one a few times the same week just to get it out of my head, and it still hasn’t worked. I initially thought the film was way more surreal and impressionistic, but on repeat viewings it has a pretty basic plot: guy witnesses a girl get murdered in a fit of hedonistic passion, and the girl comes back to kill everyone involved, but just plagues the mind of the guy who witnesses. Pretty basic stuff, but Franco just uses it as a jumping off point. Lots of swank settings and a smokin’ jazz/psychedelic flavored soundtrack make for a perfectly decadent atmosphere. Did this one have a soundtrack? I’d buy it for the title theme alone. I really can’t recommend this enough, one of the best movies, horror or otherwise, I’ve seen all year.
81) Perversion (1979) **: Hmmm, I’m not quite sure how to take this one. I usually go ape for anything with Xe’s name attached to it, but this one left me kind of limp. On the surface you have a fairly standard revenge piece about a rich sadist who bites off a girl’s nipple, beats the rap in court, but still shows off the nipple around town. The girl’s reputation is shot, while the sadist lives it up. As with most of Marins films, the pleasure comes from the characterization of the villain and exactly how far Marins lets him(self) get away with. This time around instead of the cruel and philosophical Coffin Joe we get a brutish, upper class neuvo-rich type, who the viewer despises for his garishness as much as one fears Coffin Joe’s maliciousness. Marin’s antagonist sneers at the women who are still attracted to him because of his wealth, despite his bloated stomach, which he runs his hands over to accentuate. The result is an effective and biting portrait of class, sexism and injustice in Brazilian society, but I think Perversion’s melodramatic, flat characterization approach is best suited for the “good vs. evil” theme of Marin’s Coffin Joe films, while the bargain basement psychedelic and avant garde techniques of his 60’s films are sorely missed here. Not a bad film by any means, but it definitely drags at times and is nowhere near the demented genius of Marins’ more celebrated works.
82) Yeti (1977) **: Here’s a real shoestring budget abominable snowman flick about a prehistoric giant thawed out and brought to the bourgeoning metropolis that is…TORONTO! Those adverse to b-movie cheese had better stay away, but if a rampaging frost giant (with a soft spot for children) and blue screen-a-plenty sounds like time well spent to you, then you could do worse than this disaster.
83) The Hand (1981) **: Not a bad thriller here, kind of “adult,” but there’s a cool, claustrophobic, Jack Nicholson in The Shinning feel, and it’s a very engaging film. As for the plot, a cartoonist loses his drawing hand in a driving accident around the same time his wife leaves him, and it’s a fairly standard “downward spiral of dementia” from there as he blacks out, drinks more, and becomes more isolated from the world. There’re some interesting enough auxiliary characters, and like I said, this is an overall very watchable movie for all its lack of raw, exploitative elements, so if you need a break from slashers and schlock, this might serve as a nice palate cleanser.
84) The Demons (1972) **: Can’t say this one left much of an impression on me. I mean, it’s Franco, it’s “nunsploitation,” but really, that IS all that need be said, because it’s exactly what you’d expect his take on the micro-sub-genre to be. I don’t know, I think I need to watch this one again, because this just felt pretty rote to me.
85) The Being () *: Tame, but watchable low budget sci-fi deal with enough blood to appeal to horror sensibilities. A few jaw dropingly shitty moments, such as the alien ripping a guy’s head off while driving in an abysmally dark car (don’t worry, you see the head back on a few frames before the car crashes), and a few great yokels here and there, but an alien who never shows more than hands and a closeup of his face ever now and then isn’t an alien you really need to devote too much time to. Lite American exploitation, worth a watch, but nothing you should go out of your way to see.
86) School’s Out () zilch:
87) Drive In (2000) zilch: Fucking TEDIOUS modern direct market garbage about a “mentally handicapped” deformed (I think) kid who grows up next to a drive in, thus being exposed to reel after reel of violent horror films whenever he goes in his backyard. All the drive in footage is violent scenes from various Troma movies, so that should tell you how deep the film makers’ knowledge of cult horror goes, which is also reflected in how tepid the movie plays as a whole. There’s some really pointless back story on some of the drive in attendees, but you still don’t care as the film fuelled ogre crashes the party and starts offing the movie goers car by car. Perhaps the film’s greatest weakness is that it can’t tell if it wants to be straight slasher or pure schlock, so it settles for this really taxing middle ground that’s sure to disappoint fans of either extreme. Big snoozing pass on this one.
88) Freak (1999) zilch: I’m tempted to give this a one star, because it’s actually a fairly competent flick for being straight to video and housed in a CGI blood-soaked cover, and I kind of admire the attempt at making a paced horror/drama with an actual plot as opposed to the mindless exploitation you expect from low budget trash. But still, a boring flick is a boring flick, and despite the scant moments of genuine suspense, the attempt to develop a relationship between the kid and her sister (or whoever) as they go on a road trip, and way more back story on the mentally deranged “freak” than the freak itself, this one still fails to leave a lasting impression, or even keep the viewer in their seat. So congrats to the film makers for taking the high road…You still failed.
89) She Freak (1967) *: Basically a note-for-note Freaks ripoff, but without, y’know, THE FREAKS. Oh sure, you have a dwarf, and a few glimpses of a bearded lady or whatever, but the most of the action takes place behind the scenes as a conniving small town waitress gets in with the head carnie (she’s got big aspirations, folks), then two times him with some tough. They scheme together and off the head carnie, then the chick takes over, but doesn’t quite treat the freaks with the respect they deserve, and so they do what they gotta do and mutilate our small town waitress friend for the grand finale…Which is actually pretty awesome. Yep, dopey stuff all the way, but entertaining nonetheless.
90) Dead and Rotting (2002) zilch: Utterly braindead direct market schlock. Are you ready for this turd of a plot to enter your reality? Okay, so these guys fuck with this retarded kid, which is normally a GREAT idea, except the retarded guy is the son of a witch. The witch exacts her revenge by sprinkling some dust on the guys, which makes ‘em sick or something. So leave well enough alone, right? Nope. The guys hire some thugs to throw a brick through the witch’s window or similarly fuck with her house. But they get there and are like, fuck it, let’s just boil her cat (?!?), which, oops, was her retarded son in cat form. Okay, NOW the witch is pissed, so she starts plucking off the original three guys and the two thugs. Following this perfectly logical story progression? Good, ‘cause the only important or somewhat redeemable aspect of the film comes when the last two survivors of the witch are on the road trying to figure out what to do. One of the guys suggests going to the police, but the other shoots that fucking moronic idea right down, reminding him “WITCHES ARE LIKE GANG BANGERS” (and yes that is a direct quote), and that when you get in to trouble with one you have to take matters into your own hand. So though I can’t recommend anyone see this film, it does have one important lesson to teach which no other film has the balls to bring to you, and that lesson is yes, witches ARE like fucking gang bangers. Take it to heart people.
91) Nightmares Come At Night (1970) *: Not a bad flick by any means, but very barebones Franco. Not much beyond the skin and perpetually bummed looking Euro babes. I think I’m kinda jaded at this point, and if I hadn’t seen as many Franco flicks as I’ve seen I might be more impressed by this “sexual thriller” revolving around a lesbian stripper couple. As it stands it’s just kind of a background flick.
92) Night of the Demon (1980) **: Holy shit, this one’s a face melter. Everything’s going normal, just your standard Bigfoot number, complete with college kids going into the woods and interviewing some rural creeps about their encounters with the Bigfoot. Seen Return to Boggy Creek? Then you know the score. BUT, things take a sharp turn to crazyville every time a death scene comes up and it’s like, 10x more brutal and over the top than more slashers at the time. For instance, you get a dude getting wielded around in a sleeping bag and impaled on a branch, freaking girl scouts having their hands forced into stabbing each other over and over again, and, yes, a dude whipping out his dong to take a waz, dong fully exposed, getting it ripped off and bleeding profusely from his crotch. These death scenes are total mind blowers, not only for their extremity, but because, like I said, they’re totally out of step with the tone of the movie. This is the stuff that keeps me digging through hundreds upon hundreds of hours of VHS slime, these disorienting moments of sheer exploitation delirium that lie beneath the unassuming veneer of an average low budget Bigfoot flick.
93) Incubus (1981) *: Pretty tame stuff revolving around a cop investigating a string of mysterious murder/rapes. The only real kick comes from the cop describing the victims every time. I swear, it’s like they thought they could get away with mentioning “sperm” and “semen” about a hundred times with nobody noticing. Not a bad flick, really, I got through it fine, but nothing too memorable either. I mean, really, it’s a movie about a fucking demon who rapes and kills girls, it should be way more explicit than it is.
94) Horror of Dracula (1958) **
95) Dracula Has Risen From The Grave (1968) **
96) Taste The Blood of Dracula (1970) **
97) Dracula 1971 AD (1971) **: Got all these as part of some bargain basement repackaging and watched ‘em all in a row, so a lot of these blur together, but they’re all great and classy Hammer productions, all quite entertaining. I gotta give it to Taste The Blood… and Dracula 1971, though, for the Dracula resurrection rituals in those two. In my mind all Satanic rituals are EXACTLY that cool.
98) Innocents from Hell AKA Alucarda (1978) **: I seriously started freaking out when my man Jeff gave me this vid, ‘cause the cover/title, but then I realized it was just Alucarda under a different name, which is still cool, but I thought I was in for some next level Euro cult obscurity. And I like Alucarda and all, but I’ll admit I’m a bit immune to S&M sleazefests like this at this point. It’s definitely a good exploitation flick by all means, but, as with Legend of the Wolfwoman, I couldn’t help but feel like the film was just making it too easy for me to like.
99) Holocaust 2000 (1977) *: Not too bad Omen ripoff with an evil, scary nuclear power theme. They kind of run the point into the ground, and it does get a bit ridiculous (yes, okay, his son is the devil, yes, the power plant is the beast of Armageddon, we got it, you don’t need to do these lengthy voiceovers relaying all the facts, have some faith in your audience for chrissakes), but overall this is a pretty enjoyable flick, though a wee bit on the adult side for your average gore fiend.
100) Mutant (1984) *: Not quite boring but definitely mindless yarn about some city slickers who wind up in a hick town and find themselves smack dab in the middle of a toxic waste spawned corporate zombie conspiracy. Pretty heavy handed stuff on the EEEEVIL nuclear waste front, which is always a wee tacky, but whatever, it’s a watchable flick.
101) Sorority House Vampires from Hell (1998) zilch: Rob Zombie as fuck nil budget horror comedy about…Who fuckin’ knows. I guess there’s a lot of skin in this, but not nearly enough to make up for the lengthy incoherent spells. Even the charm of digital video couldn’t save this mess.
102) Finis Hominis (1971) ***: This flick finds Marins starring as Finis Hominis, a mysterious man who many see as a prophet come to show man the correct way to live. My favorite scene involves “Finis” wandering into a hedonistic den of hippies, who go out of their way to show Finis what free spirits they all are, in hopes that he might grant them some of his insight. The hippies speak of peace and love, but as Finis throws out a big bag of money, the radicals reveal their true nature. Like Hellish Flesh, this one keeps you strung along ‘til the very end when Marins hits you with the big punch line. In fact, Marins finds a unique rhythm throughout the film, focusing on a subject or action to the point of confusion, and yes, I’ll admit it, at times even boredom, but then revealing his purpose, giving the viewer a sense of satisfaction they wouldn’t find without that extended dwelling on a sequence. The man is a master, and as evidenced by Finis Hominis, can make a powerful film even without the stylistic, surreal techniques of his Coffin Joe films.
103) Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) **: Classy Brit horror about a phantom of the opera type, presumed dead, who exacts his vengeance on the nine doctors he holds responsible for his wife’s death. The death scenes follow biblical plagues, and are pretty inventive, but far from exploitative or explicit. Yep, a competent grown folks thriller with all that stuff like plot, character development, acting, etc. It’s good to take these in every once and awhile.
104) Vampires (1998) zilch: John Crapenter’s Vampiles (of shit). But, y’know, “duh.” From Dusk Til Dawn definitely did more harm than good.
105) Death Mask (1998) **: Ah, now this is that “one in ten” slice of schlock that makes watching all those direct market 90’s flicks worthwhile. It’s totally implausible, absurd and ridiculous, but has the feel of a train right before it goes off the tracks. This deformed carnie who sculpts masks and displays them as a circus attraction (???) gets really miffed one day after getting mocked by some art critics (y’know, the kind who take the time to pick on carnie art), so he takes the advice of a sympathetic female coworker (cocarnie?) and heads down to the old witch at the swamp’s place to strike a deal. She pricks his finger and makes him make a blood pact that he’ll give her her great ancestor’s skull (or something) which he has for some reason in exchange for the ability to make the most beautiful mask ever. AND I’D LIKE TO SEE WHAT THOSE ART CRITICS HAVE TO SAY WHEN THEY SEE THAT! The important part is after leaving the witch’s place the girl is giving the guy shit for whining after getting his finger pricked by the bone, and the guy tells the girl not to make fun, and that “pain hurts me.” Yes, that is a direct quote. “Pain hurts me.” Thank you direct market gods! Don’t worry, the girl reassures him that “you can’t catch AIDS from no chicken bone,” and a bunch of other stuff happens, like the mask the guy makes kills whoever looks at it, but who cares, ‘cause your mind will still be working on “PAIN HURTS ME,” and how one managed to a) commit that line to paper, b) convince an actor to deliver it with a straight face, and c) let the film go through the entire editing process and keep that gem intact. So yeah, great stuff, must see all the way.
106) The Oracle (1985) *: Girl gets fucked with by supernatural forces and some hired killers.
It’s all part of an elaborate plot, but after 15 minutes I knew this wouldn’t live up to the awesome cover art, so I just kinda spaced out.
107) Vamp (1986) *: Very, very teeny horror/comedy about some horny college kids (and token nerdy Asian) who find themselves in a strip club in the sleazy side of town which happens to double as a vampire haven. How to survive the night…Luckily Grace Jones is like, the coolest person alive, otherwise this would be a total loss. Not the worst, you’ll be able to get through this no problem, but you won’t necessarily feel good about it.
108) Night Ripper (1986) *: Hopelessly obscure 80’s SOV about a killer on the loose. But who’s the killer? Well, you’ll be too blown away by the wretched acting and botched lines to really care. Unfortunately, that’s kind of all this one has going for it. Not really enough of those ugly, unflinching death scenes that make the best SOVs work, but there is one really interesting stabbing that just cuts to the knife after it’s been inserted in the victim, but doesn’t show the knife actually penetrating. Kind of a reverse Psycho shower scene, a sign of the times I guess.
109) It’s Alive 2 (1978) *: I think I was looking at stuff on the internet with my girlfriend while this was going on, but I realized Michael Moriarty wasn’t involved, and since he kinda made the 3rd one for me, I’m not convinced I missed much.
110) A Darkly Noon (1995) **: Freaking Vigo, how could I diss this? Well, it is a pretty forced, stylized Twin Peaks ripoff, but, y’know, VIGO. So watch it.
111) Death Bed (1977) **: Well, this flick’s reputation precedes itself…Unfortunately? I dunno, this is a great demented, surreal genre bender, but I knew that before I put the DVD in, so all the movie’s warped qualities were all anticipated. You couldn’t call this film “hyped” by any means, or say its reputation is in any way undeserved, but I only wish I could have gone into the film fresh, expecting inept schlock and having all the film’s idiosyncrasies take me by surprise.
112) 976 Evil 2 (1992) *: A sequel mindless enough to live up to the tantalizing title of the original. The plot revolves around a pervy principle who has the hots for some student chick and uses some sort of cosmic evil that’s bestowed upon him whenever he needs it to kill some people in order to get closer to the girl. There are some concessions to the movie’s own b movie status, such as a Roger Corman/Joe Bob Briggs poster, but the movie doesn’t really slip into self conscious camp, thankfully. Like I said, pure mindlessness, take it or leave it.
113) Slumber Party Massacre (1982) *: For whatever reason I was under the impression that this was some sort of feminist think piece, as the only thing you ever hear about this flick is that it’s a slasher directed by *gasp* a WOMAN, and thus all the voyeuristic shower scenes are supposed to be ironic or satirical or something. Like I said, that’s just the stuff I heard, but it did cause me to watch the film with a more critical eye, for better or worse, and I gotta say, that outside of the power drill chopping at the end as a symbol for castration, and maybe some rape themes, this played like a straight mindless slasher to me…Which I obviously have no problem with. Like, was there ANY background information given on the killer, any story whatsoever? Worth watching if you’re a “genre enthusiast,” but again, I’m not really seeing the supposed feminist or satirical nature of this flick.
114) Critters 2 (1988) *: THE MINDLESSNESS CONTINUES! Pure schlock entertainment here. Space bounty hunters and the god Eddie Deezen alone would have made this film time well wasted, so the dopey, carnivorous fur puppets are just an added bonus for me. Also worth noting: “CHEEEEEEESEBURGERS! NO BONES!” Yeah this has kid appeal, and is about as much a horror flick as Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, so fans of brutality can sit the one out, but if you’re entertaining a mixed crowd this is a good braindead background flick.
115) Season of the Witch (1972) ***: Not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting much from this, as I’m not a big fan of Crazies, so I assumed the antebellum period between NOTLD and Martin was a wasteland, but fuck, this is a gem right here. This is sort of an examination of witchcraft in suburbia. Not so much a horror film…It’s hard to describe. Of course there’s the cultural shift theme you see in all Romero’s work from this decade with the “swing” factor and all, but there’s something much greater than the sum of its parts going on with this film. I think it has to do with the really likeable and convincing characters. This is one of those idiosyncratic low key 70’s American exploitation numbers a’la The Mafu Cage, Poor Albert and Little Annie, Poor Pretty Eddie, etc., but of course the Romero factor makes this a bit more noteworthy to horror fans. Great stuff either way, though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)